movies

10 KICK-ASS MOVIE PREACHERS

POSTED BY Buckminster Schumacker III | THURSDAY JULY 30 AT 10:00 PDT 
THIRST

Chan Wook Park's THIRST opens this Friday, and if you haven't seen the trailer or read up in the genre flick, it's about a priest who gets turned into a blood-sucking vampire.  Pretty saucy sh*t for a man of the cloth.  The film ended up winning the Grand Jury prize at Cannes, but it's not the first time we've seen Priests and Preachers go all badass on film and it's almost as sure as the Pope is Catholic that it won't be the last.  Clint Eastwood's aptly named "Preacher" from PALE RIDER is potentially one of the most iconic badasses ever committed to celluloid period, let alone a clergyman.  (He's so classically badass, he's too good for this list).  But you need a chapel to house all the other unorthodox preachers who've graced the silver screen.

So pray for forgiveness, sinners - or anyone who gets in these guys' way, really.  Here come ten of cinema's most kick-ass holy men looking to raise holy hell!

 

Harvey Keitel as "Jacob Fuller"

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN (1996)
A pastor experiencing a crisis of faith, Jacob is kidnapped, along with his family, by the Gecko brothers (George Clooney & Quentin Tarantino), two criminals on the run from the law. The Geckos force Jacob to drive them into Mexico, where they stop off at "The Titty Twister," a strip club whose employees turn out to be - you guessed it - vampires.  What's a man of waning faith to do?  Kill the vampires with a shotgun and baseball bat forged into the shape of a crucifix, of course.



 

 

 

Chris Sarandon as "Rev. 'J.C.' Current"

BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996)
THE PRINCESS BRIDE's own Prince Humperdinck, Chris Sarandon plays a corrupt evangelist whose organization is on the take from a brothel run out of a funeral home.  Oh, and the hookers are bloodsuckers.  When a private investigator named Rafe (Dennis Miller) uncovers the brothel and its supernatural inhabitants, the Reverend switches teams, repenting for his sins and teaming up with Rafe to Super-soak the sh*t out of the vampire hookers with holy water. 


 

 

 


Cheech Marin as "Fr. Benicio Del Toro"

GRINDHOUSE (2007)
It's been announced that Robert Rodriguez's next project will be the feature-length version of MACHETE, a fake trailer in the middle of his and QT's GRINDHOUSE double feature.  The bad news?  We have to wait until next year to see it.  The good news?  We'll likely get a whole helluvalot more Fr. Benicio spewing awesome one-liners like in the clip below.

 



 

Mojo Nixon as "Preacher Man Bob"

BUTTCRACK (1998)
In this overlooked Troma flick, rocker Mojo Nixon plays a gun-totin', Bible-thumpin' holy man name "Preacher Man Bob," who must right the universal karma accidently set wrong when a member of his congregation inadvertently kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade.  Memorable quote from the Preacher Man himself: "Now God, I done said all I had to say at Brother Wade's first funeral. I just hope you can call him home this time so we don't have to kill him and go through this all over again."

 

 

 

Rene Auberjonois as "Reverend Oliver"

THE PATRIOT (2000)
You may recognize him as the shape-shifting Odo from "Deep Space 9," but character actor Rene Auberjonois was never more kick-ass than as the Reverend Oliver, a man of the cloth recruited by Gabriel Martin (Heath Ledger) to fight against the Redcoats in the militia.  Oliver may be a peaceful man, but during wartime, all pacts with God are put on hold.

 


 

Paul McGann as "Vicar"

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS (2009)
When two lovable losers escape the real world by taking a backwoods adventure, they soon find out sh*t is even realer outside the city.  As you might be able to tell from the title, they have a run-in with a bunch of lesbian vampires.  But they have help in the form of the kick-ass Vicar, who believes that one of the heroes is actually the descendant of a local vampire slayer. Convenient.

 


 

Micheal McShane as "Friar Tuck"

ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES (1991)
He starts out the movie as a humble, quiet holy man, but ends the movie as a rough-and-tumble, loud-as-hell fighter in Robin Hood's (Kevin Costner) band of Merry Men.  He also kicks the ever loving sh*t out of his antagonistic opposite, a henchman of the awesome but treacherous Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman).  Check it out below.

 



 

Bing Crosby as "Fr. Chuck O'Malley"

THE BELLS OF ST. MARY'S (1945)
While he doesn't physically kick anyone's ass, Fr. O'Malley nonetheless holds beliefs that don't necessarily click with the other clergy at St. Mary's.  When a couple of his students get into a scuffle, the good padre waxing poetic about his appreciation for a man who can take care of himself, implying that when the time calls for it, Jesus is okay with you beating an adversary senseless.  Check out Bing Crosby's eyes in the scene below and it's not hard to imagine a character not unlike Viggo Mortensen's from A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE.


 

 

 

Paul Freeman as "Rev. Philip Shooter"

HOT FUZZ (2007)
Dude! It's f**king Belloq from RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, playing a priest who comes after Simon Pegg and Nick Frost with twin cap-busters.  He's on the list.  No explanation needed.



 

 

 

Stuart Devenie as "Father McGruder"

BRAINDEAD/DEAD ALIVE (1992)
With six words - "I kick ass for the Lord!" - and some Kung Fu, Stuart Devenie, and solidified himself as the most memorable kick-ass movie preacher ever (yes, aside from Eastwood in PALE RIDER).  If you still haven't seen Peter Jackson's 1992 flick about a virus spread from a Sumatran Rat-Monkey, do yourself a favor and drop everything.  The second half is still one of cinema's goriest and outrageous zombie bloodbaths. You may need to talk to a priest after witnessing it.

 

ANYONE WE MISSED?  THINK YOU COULD KICK THE ASS OF ANY ONE OF THESE PRIESTS?

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  1. Says:
    July 30th, 2009 at 10:39 am Father Ángel Beriartúa, from "The day of the Beast"
  2. Says:
    July 30th, 2009 at 01:19 pm How could you leave out Father Karras from The Exorcist? Not to mention the priest from Dead Alive, just for the immortal words "I kick a** for the lord!"
  3. Says:
    July 30th, 2009 at 01:19 pm How could you leave out Father Karras from The Exorcist?
  4. Says:
    July 30th, 2009 at 05:42 pm *Draws cult sword* You forgot Shepherd Book! *Sheaths cult sword*
  5. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 12:07 pm Russell Crowe's gunslinger-turned-preacher from The Quick and the Dead?
  6. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:05 pm Wow, movie preachers are so cool! www.privacy.at.tc
  7. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:09 pm Dolph Lundgren as the Street Preacher in Johnny Mnemonic. He had a crucifix knife!
  8. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:17 pm Well, I dunno 'bout kicking ass, but the preacher I'd most want to party with is Deacon Daniels from The Big Town! (played by the "legendary" Del Close) Yessiree, Bob!
  9. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:18 pm Seriously, how the F do you leave off Clint Eastwood from Pale Rider?! This list is garbage.
  10. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:30 pm The priest as someone said above, from The day of the Beast (El dia de la Bestia), probably my favourite spanish movie.
  11. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:32 pm I agree. WTF is Clint Eastwood??
  12. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:39 pm What about Cleric John Preston in Equilibrium, he would smoke all these clowns....
  13. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:39 pm Many missed. Many of the ones included are really lame. Also forgot: Karl Malden in "On the Waterfront" This is some junior high school student's list.
  14. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:43 pm You should have added the great role on Elia Kazan's classic "On the Waterfront".
  15. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 01:56 pm Ummm, Boondock Saints?!?!
  16. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 02:16 pm Robert Duvall in 'The Apostle'
  17. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 02:43 pm Paul Dano as Eli Sunday in 'There Will Be Blood'
  18. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 02:54 pm ummm .....Rev. Harry Powell from Night of the Hunter anyone?
  19. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 02:56 pm Boondock Saints FTW
  20. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 02:57 pm Forgot Monty Python's Brian.
  21. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 03:23 pm Seconding "Night of the Hunter." Inexcusable omission.
  22. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 03:30 pm yeah, night of the hunter and the exorcist are really not to be missed in a list like this.
  23. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 03:43 pm Where's Book from Serenity? He's pretty kick ass.
  24. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 04:12 pm I vote for Father Adam Guiteau from John Carpenter's 'Vampires.'
  25. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 08:28 pm and you missed Clint Eastwood in Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.
  26. Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 09:22 pm What about Priest from the Count of Monte Cristo? Taught Dante how to fight, think and have hope. He's a badass.
  27. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 05:55 am priest vallon from gangs of new york
  28. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 06:13 am How about Dolph frigging Lundgren from Johnny Mnemonic??
  29. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 09:09 am Bishop Pickering from Caddyshack
  30. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 09:32 am This list sucks wang. As others have said, the absence of Clint Eastwood from Pale Rider is criminal. Did you just Google "movie priests" and grabbed the first bunch that popped up? That's the only explanation for Bing Crosby's inclusion -- worthy, but odd in the light of Eastwood's omission.
  31. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 09:46 am Father Merrin? Father Karras? Anyone? They actually took on a demon (in some cases multiple times) and sent it to hell...
  32. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 10:15 am Yep. Lack of Harry Powell and Father Merrin means the list is useless and shows it was written by someone who hasn't seen enough movies to actually write about them.
  33. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm if they ever made a movie of the comic series Preacher, than it would trample all over these panzies...yea, and where the hell in Pale Rider??
  34. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm if they ever made a movie of the comic series Preacher, than Jesse Custer would trample all over these panzies...yea, and where the hell in Pale Rider??
  35. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 01:24 pm Robert Duvall in the apostle
  36. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 02:30 pm How the hell could you not mention Clint Eastwood in Pale Rider? This is what happens when you let people that were born 10 minutes ago make "all-time" lists.
  37. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 02:55 pm No Clint Eastwood? Pale Rider? Really?
  38. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 03:30 pm Although not a father per se, Jules Winfield in "Pulp Fiction" should've been mentioned. after all, he is preaching
  39. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 03:52 pm Burt Lancaster as ELMER GANTRY in movie of the same name.
  40. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 05:10 pm No PALE RIDER...your list sux...
  41. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 06:29 pm This list is ridiculous. I am sure that, with 5 minutes of research, we could come up with 10 names which are each better than the ones listed here.
  42. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 07:07 pm Wow, never, ever visiting this site again after reading this joke of a list. Rene Auberjonois, seriously? Go watch the patriot idiot, go. The word badass doesn't come to mind, but pussy does. And people shouldn't be upset that pale rider, the exorcist, or on the waterfront weren't included. They should be upset that lesbian vampire killers, or buttcrack did make the list. Other notable omissions that far eclipse the garbage that make up half this list: Robert Deniro as father bobby in Sleepers George Carlin as the Cardinal in Dogma Mel Brooks as Rabbi Tuckman in Robin Hood: Men in Tights Richard Burton in Night of the Iguana Jeremy Irons in The Mission
  43. Says:
    August 1st, 2009 at 07:45 pm Doctor Syn from The Scarecrow of Romney Marsh (or, even better, the Hammer version with Peter Cushing - Doctor Blyss from Night Creatures) - pirate-turned-preacher-turned-vigilante
  44. Says:
    August 2nd, 2009 at 12:47 am I am going to have to take the cake on this one and give it up for Reverend Lowe which was played by Everett McGill in SILVER BULLET. COME ON the guy was a werewolf and killed half of the entire town with his bare hands / paws !
  45. Says:
    August 2nd, 2009 at 05:22 am Shepard Book from firefly
  46. Says:
    August 2nd, 2009 at 08:09 am Presumed The Preacher from Pale Rider would be number one when moving down the list...how the fuck could you miss him off it?
  47. Says:
    August 2nd, 2009 at 08:59 am Willie Nelson in RED HEADED STRANGER
  48. Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 am I too am very surprised that Pale Rider is not on the list...would've been #1 if the author was older than 12.
  49. Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 am Agreed, no Pale Rider no list!
  50. Says:
    August 4th, 2009 at 01:28 pm PALE RIDER
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