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Thursday, December 18 by

GOLDBLUM SUPPLEMENT Demanding A Refund (“Run Ronnie Run”) Cults prey on normal, impressionable people and turn to obedient weirdos. Jeff Goldblum is strange enough. Why by the cow when you can get the sex for free? Schooling Video Game Geeks Beating a video game feels pretty damn good – for about 30 seconds. When you complete “The Lost World: Jurassic Park” video game Jeff Goldblum tells you to step away from the controller and go get some ass. All that finger dexterity is worth something, right? Tripping While Driving If you’ve never seen “Raines” on NBC, you won’t. It was cancelled after just seven episodes. Goldblum played an LAPD detective who “sees dead people” and uses that original talent to solve crimes. Further proof that Goldblum doesn’t need drugs. Goldblum IS drugs. Rocking the Self-Heimlich Maneuver (“Late Night with Conan O’Brien”) When I was a small child, I choked on a stereo knob. Mother said I was turning blue until she judo-chopped me in the solar plexus. Apparently the “Jeff Goldblum Heimlich Maneuver” applies to a different type of choking. Wiggling Ears Jeff wiggling his ears is extraterrestrial for, “NOW! While they are all watching Raines!” Being A Badass (“Deep Cover”) When forcing a rat out of a moving limousine (while running from the cops) have Morpheu drive, shoot the rat in each hand and then in the ass, and have an original, badass line to yell from the car. “We will have barbeque jumbo shrimp, you motherfuck-er-err!” That’ll do. Figure-ing It Out http://www.toyarchive.com/STAForSale/NEW2001+/JurassicPark/JurassicPark/IanMalcom2MOSC1a.jpg Kenner Toy Company released a Stegosaurus figurine that had a removable piece in its side that showed bone and muscle. It was gnarly. But Jeff’s “Dr. Malcolm” action figure had sunglasses molded to his skull and “Launching Tranquilizer Dart”. These come in handy after your girlfriend’s third apple martini. Showing Who’s Blum Here’s Jeff and Kevin Spacey presenting at the British Academy Film Awards. I always thought Spacey was trying to channel Goldblum in that alien movie “K-PAX”. Here, Goldblum not only shows Kevin who “wears the sunglasses better indoors”, but he unknowingly tools out Orlando Bloom. Because where Orlando is Bloom, Jeff is GOLD-blum. Class dismissed, Legolas.

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