It’s that time of year when people run out of original ideas and just start ranking things. And since EVERYBODY is doing it, far be it from The Junkies to miss the opportunity. But instead of looking at film in terms of directorial achievement, incredible writing, vision and execution we thought it best to order them according to their usage of hot women. Let’s be honest. Plot just ain’t everything. Enjoy.
28. The Dark Knight- Maggie Gylenhall
For a lot of people, The Dark Knight is near the top of their list for movies of 2008. But it fits the tail end of our ranking because Gylenhall is just not that Hot. Sure, she’s pretty in an "I met this chick at a protest rally and she’s really deep" kind of way. But at the end of the day she’s pretty plain.
27. Baby Mama- Tina Fey.
She’s hot because you can make fart jokes around her, and she’s only going to make better and funnier fart jokes. She was forced to sexify herself once Palin came on the scene. We all benefit from those couple of months in a bonerific way.
26. Hellboy II: The Golden Army- Anna Walton
She plays rolls of totally scary chicks on screen. But any way you slice the artery, she’s painfully good looking when you take the freak makeup off. This is an actress we need more of.
25. Wall-E- EVE
Damn, girl, is that a high impact carbon exoskeleton? Because you sure do stiffen my magnesium alloy if you know what I mean. Listen, I know you’re basically an iphone. So call me.
24. Sex Drive- Alice Greczyn
Otherwise known as The Hot Amish Chick that clark Duke Nails, Alice is a babe in a Barley Legal kind of way. We’re excited for her future in Hollywood. I’m personally excited about any future rolls she may play in my dreams.
23. Sex And The City- Sarah Jessica Parker
As seen in this picture, she’s a KNOCKOUT (she’s the one on the left (I think)). I heard some hardcore movie geeks the other day saying that Sex And The City was not actually that bad of a movie. I wouldn’t know, because I do not have a vagina. Giddy up.
22. Iron Man- Gwyneth Paltrow
Listen, I just don’t think that Gywneth is that hot. She’s pretty, but not hot-hot. I would love to take her to dinner and discuss the principles underlying Hank Paulson’s financial bailout plan. But I wouldn’t be sitting there thinking about all the dirty things I’d want to do to her like a lot of the ladies coming up on this list.
21. Australia- Nicole Kidman
She’s getting up there in years. She also looks like any contact with a ray of sunlight would result in immediate full-body melanoma. She’s a very attractive woman, but a lot like Paltrow, her classiness keeps her in the 20’s of this list.
20. W- Elizabeth Banks
Banks is sort of plain as far as actresses go. She’s the basic agreeable all american blonde that wont freak out grandma. But, I’m giving her extra points because she actually made Laura Bush look bone-worthy. That’s not easy.
19. 10,000 BC- Camilla Belle
Even though she looked like a dirty hippy in every scene of the movie, it’s hard to deny her hotness. We’re excited about seeing her in the forthcoming Push, because 10,000 B.C. was a really unfortunate movie. I hear if you watch it on mute while you play Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon…it still totally blows.
18. The Happening- Zooey Deschanel
Ok, ok, ok. I didn’t actually see this movie. I can’t watch everything. But I can testify that Zooey is incredibly good looking. I worked on a show once where she was a performer, and was in a very small space next to her for a while. She smelled really nice. The lock of hair I cut was perfect for the doll I made in honor of her everlasting astral importance to the biblical signs that WE are meant….I’ll stop here.
17. Hancock- Charlize Theron
Charlize is hot in every single movie she has ever done, period. Oh wait, right. Monster. Whatever, I’d still get down. And Hancock was an ok movie.
16. Journey to the Center Of The Earth- Anita Briem
I would like to go to the center of HER earth if you know what I mean. Sorry, I should clarify: I would like to have sexual intercourse with her. She’s a hottie, and on the up and up in Hollywood I am in full support of importing euro-hotness for our films.
15. Speed Racer- Christina Ricci
Ah Speed Racer, one of the most extensive, computer driven flops in the history of mankind. It did have two things that made it tolerable, and they were located somewhere between Ricci’s chin and navel. I’m still recovering from how painfully sexy she was in Black Snake Moan. One day at a time. Baby Steps.
14. Twilight- Ashley Greene
She was hands down the best thing about the movie. I love her. I want to marry her. You think I’m kidding? Ashley, if you’re reading this- it’s firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s the best way to reach me. Love, Max.
13. The Day The Earth Stood Still- Jennifer Connelly
12. Slumdog Millionaire- Freida Pinto
This is one of the top Films of 2008. Amazing story, amazing cinematography, amazing soundtrack, and super hot main love interest Freida Pinto. Go see it. Now.
11. Wanted- Angelina Jolie
The physics of curving a bullet seem impossible. But so do the physics of the curves on Angelina’s body. How can her arms be that skinny and her boobs be that big? Especially after all those babies. Fuck you Einstein. Stop asking questions.
10. Cloverfield- Odette Yustman
If the camera work was the thing that was making you need to puke, then Odette was the point on the horizon that you could just focus on to hold it back. And if the posters for The Unborn are any indication, her hotness shall continue through 2009.
9. Incredible hulk- Liv Tyler
She established her hotness in 1995’s Empire Records. She later upped it by looking all like a sexy fairy-elf in Lord of the Rings. This year she accompanied a giant green dude on a roid rage, and looked great doing it. What could be next?
8. Transporter 3- Natalya Rudakova
Yes, she looked a little like Dennis The Menace. But her Latvian Prostitute style made me want to give her a package to deliver. The one in my pants. Get it? I mean my penis. Also, I think I could take Frank Martin in a fistfight.
7. Rachel Getting Married- Anne Hathaway
Hathaway has that girl next door look. But then you look again and its more like girl next door looking to give you a BJ in the back seat of your dad’s Ford Bronco during senior lunch. And now she’s all grown up.
6. How to Lose Friends & Alienate People- Megan Fox
This one basically goes without saying. It’s Megan Fox. She exploded on the scene in Transformers and immediately inserted herself into the mastrabatorial fantasies of millions of men worldwide. In fact, I don’t even remember what this movie was about.
5. The House Bunny- Anna Faris
If I had to write an essay about this film for high school english class I would say that the main point of the movie was to give me a stiffy. But I’ve grown up since those days. So now I would say that main point of the movie was to give my boner an erection.
4. Rocknrolla- Gemma Arterton
This girl is close to having it all. She’s incredibly gorgeous, has a killer body, and is capable of being a bit of a badass. Conveniently, she is also in our number three pick. Daniel Craig is a lucky bastard.
3. Quantum of Solace- Olga Kurylenko
She was a Ukrainian playing a Bolivian, and nobody could tell the difference. Yet another lesson that American’s don’t give a shit about geography, as long as it has a nice ass. And boy did it ever. I can’t stop looking at this picture. Must finish list.
2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall- Kristen Bell
The poster girl for geek chic, Bell gives fanboys around the world numerous reason to exhaust their supply of warmed Lubriderm. With a mix of quirky and sexy there is no need to explain why she hits our #2 spot.
Penelope Cruz is one of the hottest women who has ever walked this green earth. Looking at Scarlett Johansson makes me want to just get to work making babies. And the infamous makeout scene creates a multiplier effect of sexiness that lands this film in the number one spot, totally uncontested.