Movies can teach us many valuable things. Hell, almost everyone I know learned about sex from Skinemax’s late-night line-up of soft core or HBO’s Real Sex. But there are certain things you can’t trust Hollywood to teach you about, one of which is definitely college. These movies have been givin high school students the wrong idea for years, but today we’re going to set them straight. Consider us your guidance counselor, only we’re smarter and don’t smell like patchouli.
Misleading movie: Accepted
Plot: The Mac guy from the Apple commercials doesn’t get into college so he creates his own fake school, complete with a staff, dorms and Louis Black for a dean. The students all realize the value of having freedom when it comes to education and, in the end, the fake school gets a chance to become a real college based on the enthusiasm of its student body.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: First of all, I know plenty of people who didn’t get into any of the colleges they applied to and they weren’t sarting up their own universities. In fact, most of them decided to "take a year off," which means they laid around their parents’ house and gained 70 pounds. And even if they did manage to start their own free-spirited learning institution, it would never run like the one in the movie. If you give college kids the chance to do whatever they want, they will play Madden and smoke pot. Those only count as job skills if you’re Snoop Dogg.
Misleading movie: Revenge of the Nerds
Plot: A group of total dorks form their own fraternity on campus to battle the jocks. They use their superior intellects and their knowledge of robotics to beat the football team in a frat competition and steal hot girls from their burly boyfriends.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: There’s plenty of room at college for nerds, but they shouldn’t go expecting to win the hot girls away from the athletes. College is the time when hot chicks want to screw guys with six packs and jackets with leather sleeves. Sure, the nerds will get hot women after they’ve made millions inventing new processors and the football players have gone back home to teach gym at their former high school, but that’s down the road a bit. For now, don’t expect any cheerleaders to come sauntering into your LAN party ready to get down.
Misleading movie: Slackers
Plot: A group of painfully ’90s hipsters cheat their way through college until they get busted by a love-sick nerd.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: If you’re not willing to do a little school work, there’s a good chance you’re not going to be willing to work out incredibly elaborate schemes for cheating. Chances are you’ll make a cheat sheet for the test, then sleep through it and go get tacos.
Misleading movie: Real Genius
Plot: A teenage genius gets recruited by one of the country’s top technology institutes to work on an an enormous laser. While he’s there, he meets another genius (played by Val Kilmer) who drags him along on all sorts of wacky antics.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: The movie would lead you to believe that high-level engineering students use their knowledge of physics and lasers to throw kick ass parties with water slides. In reality, they study for 16 hours a day and spend their free time re-enacting Monty Python sketches.
Misleading movie: Animal House
Plot: The wildest frat house on campus does nothing buy party, get laid and do drugs. When the frumpy dean tries to shut them down, they party some more and everything works out fine.
What it’s completely unrealistic: The days of partying all the time is long gone. Now, the fraternity experience is littered with cultural events and community service. Somehow I can’t see Bluto going to help out at Habitat for Humanity. Plus, if you don’t fulfill your requirement of lame activities, the dean can shut your asses down without any mention of Double Secret Probation. Then you’ll lose all the money you paid and be left with nothing but awsome shirts with some stupi Greek letters on them.
Misleading movie: PCU
Plot: A professional man of leisure (aptly played by Jeremy Piven) uses a college full of PC hippies as his personal social club.
Why it’s totally unrealistic: There were a few chubby balding dudes that went to my college for way longer than they should have. Surprisingly, none of them were the most popular guys on campus. If you’re planning to stay in college for the better part of a decade, you should probably come out of it some kind of doctor.
Misleading movie: Legally Blonde
Plot: A bubbly sorority girl gets into Harvard Law School by making a cute video, then manages to keep her glitter-covered personality intact amongst the other students who actually care about their studies.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: Anyone who has ever gone through law school will readily tell you that enthusiasm and positivity are crushed out of you within minutes with a pile of 1,000 page books and a bill you’ll have to sell your body to pay. Also, I’m pretty sure that if you sent a video application to Harvard Law School they would sue you and kill your pet. They have some serious skull and bones type stuff going on.
Misleading movie: Back to School
Plot: Rodney Dangerfield plays a rich business man who decides to back to college with his son and his son’s friend, Robert Downey Jr.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: Plenty of kids get lots of help for college from their rich parents, but to this day, I’ve never known anyone whose dad turned their dorm room into a luxury condo and hired Oingo Boingo to play for them. Most of the time, parents just send money that ends up getting spent on rolling papers and pizza. Plus, no student could ever put up with having their dad going to college with them for more than a week without seriously considering suicide.
Misleading movie: The Freshman
Plot: A kid shows up at NYU and is forced into a life of crime after
Dom Irera Bruno Kirby steals his bags. The role was good practice for Bruno Kirby, who now makes a living driving a taxi and stealing bags from tourists.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: This one hits close to home for me since I actually went to NYU. The only kind of crime anyone I knew participated in, other than the occasional card game, was stealing food and silverware from the dining hall. That’s a far cry from smuggling endangered species with Marlon Brando.
Misleading movie: With Honors
Plot: A homeless man living in the basement of a Harvard library stumbles across the only copy of a student’s thesis paper. He uses it to blackmale the student into doing nice things for him. It’s supposed to be a lot more heartwarming than that, but that’s what I got from it.
Why it’s completely unrealistic: There are two things I would like to mention here. First of all, Encino Man plays an Ivy League student….right. Second of all, everyone knows that homeless people aren’t allowed within 100 yards of Harvard. They have some kind of fancy fence that electrocutes them and turns them into lunch meat that’s served to students at BU.
Misleading movie: College
Plot: The movie isn’t even out yet, but it’s obvious from the trailer that it’s trying to get high school kids all amped up about their first trip to college. What frat house wouldn’t want a bunch of high school seniors coming to crash with them, sharing all of their hot girls, booze and definitely-not-homoerotic activities?
Why it’s completely unrealistic: When you go to visit college, no one will want to talk to you and you’ll end up hanging out with a bunch of other high school students until your parents come to pick you up. Chances are your experience will be a lot more like Martin Lawrence’s College Road Trip, than it is College. That means you can leave that 36-pack of condoms and ironic John Belushi "College" shirt at home.