Ten Gift Ideas For Sir Sean Connery’s Birthday

Tuesday, August 26 by

It’s not easy getting a gift for the best Scottish actor that has ever lived. But we put our heads together and came up with some seriously good ideas. Here they are, in ascending order.


10. Personalized Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones

Sean Connery travels a shitload, so he should have a pair of these.

9. Eyebrow Oil

I’m sure he goes through TONS of this shit, so why not give him a restock? It just means one less trip to the store.

8. Viagra

I’m not saying that Sean Connery is impotent. I’m just saying that he is a little older and still has a lot of women to nail before it’s all over. There’s nothing wrong with eating a cliff bar when you’re climbing Everest, so what’s wrong with some pill-shaped dick energy when you’re climbing one of the worlds most gigantic mountains of ass?

7. Dragonheart Ring Tones

I would personally make a ring tone for Sean where every time his phone rang it would yell “I AM the Last Dragon!”

6. Sexy Coarse Voice Lotion

When you have THE preeminent panty soaking Scottish gravel voice you need to take care of it by reducing friction.

5. James Bond Ultimate Collector’s Set

If I’d made a bunch of movies I’d want to just spend a few Saturdays when I’m older just watching them. Its like when you’re done working on the yard and you sit there drinking a beer out of a can surveying the shit you did and you’re just satisfied for once.

4. Beard Insurance

If Tom Jones can insure his chest hair, then it means that 1) there are some real threats out there to Manly Body Hair and 2) Sean’s beard is a way higher-profile target so it needs to be covered. 

3. A Trip To Space

I read this article in Wired the other day about how this fucking gamer has paid 30 million dollars to go to space.  That’s not fair because if Sean hasn’t gone then he sure as shit shouldn’t.

2. An American Flag with my favorite Sean Connery Quote on it.

Yeah, I realize that Sean is not American, but this is a quote from the movie The Rock and that is an American movie. I’d come to his house every morning and do a special flag raising ceremony.

1. Catherine Zeta Jones

I mean whatever. You know that he’s hit it. But I bet he would not mind another crack.

Happy Birthday Sir Sean Connery. You are an Extraordinary Gentleman.

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