Teens Choice Awards Hurt Adults’ Brains

Tuesday, August 5 by

I don’t expect much from awards shows or teenagers, so when you combine the two you can pretty much expect a few hours of television that will make you want to go out and start randomly sterilizing 13 year olds with a pair of gardening shears. Why? Because living in a world like the one from Children of Men is still less horrible than living in one where What Happens in Vegas can win an award in a category called "Best Bromantic Comedy." Below are a few more examples of why people shouldn’t be allowed to talk to one another until they’re 21. Except for you, Miley Cyrus. You’re just so darn cute.

Best Dramatic Film: Step Up 2: The Streets


The title makes it sound like a crappy direct to DVD sequel, like Bring It On 4: Gimme an H and a J!, but apparently this thing went to theaters and teens ate it up. Of course, they also masturbate to the Sears catalog, so what do they know.

Best TV Personality: Tyra Banks


I wonder which personality they meant. It could’ve been the one on her talk show where she tells girls it’s OK to be fat and ugly. Or it could have been the one on America’s Next Top Model where she publicly humiliates girls for being fat and ugly. They could both annoy the skin off of a cat, so I guess it’s not really important.

Best Action Adventure: Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian


If these kids are so excited about this thing, they should’ve shown some support when it was at the box office dying a slow death. Way to pick the second movie in a series that probably won’t get finished as your favorite for the year.

Reality Competiton: Oprah’s Big Give


When you make 385 million dollars in a year, it seems like you could stand to give some messed up people money without making them compete on a reality show for it. It’s like she’s saying, "Hey, all you cripples! I was going to throw this money in the garbage, but if you want to go on TV and complain for a few weeks, I’ll give it to one of you." That seems like a great lesson to teach teens.

Reality Music Competition: American Idol


Wow, big surprise there. The highest rated show on TV won its own incredibly specific category. I would say it’s just Fox, the network that aired the show, tooting its own horn, but So You Think You Can Dance was beat out by America’s Best Dance Crew for "Best Dance Show." Sick burn!

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