Whether you know it or not, your sexual preferences today are a byproduct of your childhood conditioning. And if its one thing that conditioned all of us, it’s the TV. The 80s brought us blue-colored drink mix, unrealistic expectations for time-travel capability, and one of the tastiest range of sexy TV starlets in history. On any given night you could tune in to your favorite sitcom and be swept away to that magical land where Stridex Pads didn’t exist and Halle Berry was an honest to goodness Living Doll. And whether you realize or not, it was in this magical land that something lasting was formed: your concept of hotness. So join us as we recount the 80’s TV Babes Who Taught Us What To Hump.
Name: Jamie Powell / Nicole Eggert
Show: Charles In Charge
What She Taught Our Boners: Blonde’s are not for talking to.
Every single plot of Charles in Charge was exactly the same. It was probably written over dinner every night before filming by the seven year old daughter of the executive producer. He would take out the part about unicorns and princesses and substitute with Charles and Buddy making plans that were in constant conflict. Simultaneous dates, homework help sessions. How is it all going to get done? It didn’t matter. We had Nicole Eggert and her side ponytail to look at.
Name: Punky Brewster / Soleil Moon Frye
Show: Punky Brewster
What She Taught Our Boners: Weird artsy chicks are hot.
Do you remember that really weird chick from elementary school who’s parents let her dress herself? Everyday she had a new combination of cowboy boots, a tu-tu, and a plastic tiara? She LOVED Punky Brewster. And now she lives in the East Village and bangs musicians. For the record, Soleil Moon Frye is alive and kicking today, and not hard on the eyes
Show: The Smurfs
What She Taught Our Boners: Nymphet qualities are hot.
You know on Halloween in college when small girls dressed up like fairies and you just wanted to do very R rated things to them? There’s a blonde-haired, blue-fleshed “woman” who put this little idea in your mind: Smurffette. Always there to help in a bind, respectful of her father and easy to camouflage in a blueberry patch, Smurfette made us pause during our sugar-cereal binge to ponder "What exactly IS going on in my pajamas? It’s also the reason why so many of our generation find Paris attractive.
Name: Denise Huxtable / Lisa Bonet
Show: The Cosby Show
What She Taught Our Boners: I’m willing to listen to your slam poetry if I get a BJ out of it.
If getting past her father wasn’t a legitimate concern, we’d be all about trying to date the neo-soul goddess that was Denise Huxtable. Undoubtedly the coolest, most attractive Huxtable in the bunch, Denise held it down as the middle sibling who was practically too cool to be the child of Cliff and Claire. In fact, we hold Denise responsible for influencing our choice in a real-life prom date, which is why we’ll always have to explain when we dig out the old photo albums that fitted vests and hammer pants was a real hip look for women in the spring of ’87.
Name: Evie Garland / Maureen Flannigan
Show: Out Of This World
What She Taught Our Boners: Wait, can women read our minds?
If you’re going to date a chick who hears voices, claims super-natural powers and who supposedly speaks to her pops via a magic box, you’re going to want it to be Evie Ethel Garland from Out of This World. Not only could her supernatural talents come in handy (Flat tire? Fixed.) but for a half-alien with a creepy looking old man, she was definitely cooler than any teeny-bopper hanging out at your local mall.
Name: Mallory Keaton / Justine Bateman
Show: Family Ties
What She Taught Our Boners: Nice looking girls will do nasty things.
Mallory Keaton was about as mainstream mall girl as one could get living with parents who worked in public broadcasting, an ultra-conservative brother and sporty younger sister. Mallory (played by Justine Bateman) was known on the show for her lackluster school performance and rock and roll boyfriends but she was best known in our living rooms as one of the babiest babes on all thirteen channels.
Name: Michelle Tanner / Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen
Show: Full House
What She Taught Our Boners: I am not going back to jail. Not for this. Moving on.
Name: Emily Franklin / Halle Berry
Show: Living Dolls
What She Taught Our Boners: Look at the picture of Halle Berry. I don’t have to explain this one.
Before she was winning awards and flashing her boobies in bad John Travolta movies, Halle Berry at one point portrayed a model on the short lived sitcom Living Dolls. It’s not hard to imagine the voluptuous star in such a role, but what is hard to imagine a woman this good looking ever even talking to you. Dear Halle. Call me. Are you getting my letters? I put some pieces of my hair in them. Hello? Halle?
Name: Sammy Jo Carrington / Heather Locklear
What She Taught Our Boners: This is the reason you like MILFS.
It would make sense that we developed a taste for the finer things in life while watching Sammy Jo on Dynasty as she was portrayed by the alleged pill-popping perennial super-fox, Heather Locklear. While the Aaron Spelling produced drama-fest was more likely up our mother’s alley then our own, she sure did bring a whole new meaning to staying ‘up’ on Wednesday nights to ‘clean our flute.’ Wait, you played the flute? No you didn’t