Midgelebrities And the Women Who Love Them
The fact that hot women get down with famous midgets is really sweet, but it’s also a really poignant reminder that the most surefire way on the planet to get laid is by being popular. But do a little research and the equation is much more than just super shortness + fame. Here at Screenjunkies we’re all about doing things in a highly scientific, utterly rigorous fashion. So lets travel up the ruler of stature and see what happens along the way.
Legend has it that God created midgets when he left normal sized people in his pockets and put his pants in the dryer. If this is the case, then Verne Troyer went through a few cycles. He is by far the smallest of all midgelebrities, charting in at 2ft 8 inches. He might not be able to ride Space Mountain, but the man gets tail. He is most famous for the infamous Sex Tape fiasco. Listen, humans like small things. It’s how our planet survives.
His actual name is Warwick Davis. His wife it totally midget-hot. In fact, I would even argue that she is a Milfget. Also, this picture solves a long-running argument I’ve had with some friends: small people DO have small kids. They are called Kidgets.
Marking a line on the garage wall exactly 4ft from the top of the ramp, Wee Man (Jason Acuna) has a totally hot girlfriend. This demonstrates that famous people in the 2ft8 to 4ft bracket perform incredibly well when it comes to nailing attractive women. To be fair, he also is a bit of a bad boy pro skater, which never hurts.
Born, Torrey Samuels, Midget Mac also struts 4 feet from the floor. He is the father of two actual children, and has made love to thousands of fictitious women. When asked what he would do if he won the 250,000 prize on VH1’s I Love Money, he said he would give 200,000 to his momma. The other fifty he would spend on Strippers and Liquor, straight up, I’m just tryin to be real. Even if he’s paying for it, he’s still probably getting it.
There is no public record of Webster (Emmanuel Lewis) actually getting any ass. No girlfriends or wives to speak of. So this defines the set point for toeing the line between being a sexy midget and just being really, really short. Still, since we’re making the categories, Webster is a midgelebrity. And although we have photos of him grinding with honies,
Ok. Technically he’s not a midget. But again, Junikes has created this term in the first place, so Gary Coleman is in it. Gary has had about as rough a go at it as possible. He finally got hitched in 2007. Here is a picture of him with his blushing bride.
Yikes, so she’s not exactly slammin. In fact, she looks like she wants me to brush her hair and feed her a carrot. This highlights just how complex the relationship between midgetness and hot-woman-getting can be.
Devito is 5 ft on the nuts. He is married to Rhea Pearlman, from Cheers. Now say, she’s no Betty Grable or nothing, but I’m sure she’s a real minx in the sack, yowza! At least she doesn’t eat from a bucket and need to have her shoes hammered into her feet:
Which means that something else is happening. As we get above 4ft 6 the attractive woman-getting capacity improves, as is evidenced by Devito. What happens next is nothing short of marvelous.
This is what I like to call the David Fautstino effect. At 5ft3, he has done WELL. This shows that his is the lowest acceptable height AFTER full midgetness where you are once again able to nail hot women.
Michael J Fox
Fox is 5 ft four. He has had a buffet of women. His wife is hot. Nothing more needs to be said.
Something happens at 5 ft 5, where guys like Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, and Woody Allen come into play. Yes, Woody Allen has slept with more women that you ever will. And although some of it was barely legal, he has performed way beyond his physical constraints, much like a two door Honda Accord with 300,000 miles on it. That's kind of what he looks like.
At 5ft 7, there is a exponential jump on the woman-getting ability curve. Say what you like about the man, but there has been a ton of A-List ladies treading the path to his bedroom.
Since this is such a complex relationship, a graph is in order. Please be advised that even the professionals at ScreenJunkies are having trouble reading it.