By Jared Jones
Just yesterday, we all learned that the title of the new, completely necessary Terminator film will be Terminator: Genisys. You see, it’s clever because the non-Terminator word in that title is normally spelled “genesis.” Apparently, the film’s assertion is that illiteracy, not technology, will be the cause of man’s ultimate undoing at the hands of our future robot overlords. It’s an interesting premise, I’ll give it that much.
As luck would have it, you can actually tell a lot about the intentional misspelling of a word in a movie title, band name, MMA fighter nickname or whathaveyou — mainly, that any person or product that opts for one is terrible and should be avoided at all costs. An intentionally misspelled movie title is like the shake of a rattlesnake’s tail, warning you that it would be stupid bordering on deadly to proceed any further with the thing you are looking at. A few prime examples…
Well, my theory is off to a rough start, because David Fincher’s Se7en is an undeniably awesome film. Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, and a box with Gwyneth Paltrow‘s head in it is, like, exactly how I’d describe my dream vacation, you guys. That said, whoever chose to replace the “v” with the number 7 should have their head placed right beside Gwyneth’s in that box.
How am I even supposed to pronounce that? Se-seven-en? Sev-even? Sussudio?
It’s probably Sussudio. It’s always Sussudio.
It took me a good half hour to realize that Simon Sez was not Double Team, that *other* late 90′s action movie starring Dennis Rodman. I probably should have realized that one of them co-starred Jean-Claude Van Damme while the other co-starred…Dane Cook?! That can’t be right. The timelines of fame don’t line up, and plus, there is no union on the Venn Diagram between Rodman and Cook fans.
This is ridiculous. We should all probably give this one a look…
Well, that’s definitely Dane Cook all right. In 30 seconds, I counted a Chewbacca impression, a dinosaur impression, and a dog impression. The man is truly the Michael Winslow of non police-themed comedy. And if you somehow make it past all that, you will find John Pinette (R.I.P), a Grey Poupon joke, and a villain who uses the phrase “Tea time!” to commence nuclear destruction. I am so goddamn depressed right now. Like, with humanity.
It’s bad enough that this movie was a cheap, transparent ripoff of A Bug’s Life which owed its creation to a grudge between movie studios, but if you were to ask me (which you are doing by virtue of reading this article), the most shameful atrocity Antz committed was that upon the English language.
Replacing an “s” with a “z” is neither, hip, chill, cool, or clever, and our country has arguably never recovered from the S to Z movement spurred by this film. I don’t care how important your main character is, he is not allowed to have an impact on the nomenclature of his species. What, are we all suppose to start calling ourselves Homobama Sapiens because Barry O’s in the White House? And do the people who created this bastard Bug’s Life abomination honestly expect to us pronounce the “z” as an actual “z”, making it sound as if we are buzzing in on a game show while discussing movies with our friends? And if they wanted that, why not make the movie about bees and call it Buzz?
There. In three seconds, I have come up with a better film than you, Dreamworks. Enjoy your studio that was built on a throne of lies.
WHAT DID I JUST SAY, EXISTENCE?!!
This movie was actually OK though.
Click the “next page” link for more movie titles that were too hip for their own good…