Where the crap is Joaquin still getting all these Quaaludes from? I've been told by dealer after dealer that the world ran out in 1978.  One positive benefit to being a mega star in Hollywood is that you can get access to such awesome drugs and then when you're high enough you can announce to the world that you're going to become a rapper. One really bad part about Hollywood is that you can get access to so many crazy drugs and when you're high enough you can make the terrible mistake of deciding to pursue a rap career. To honor that land of unlimited substances and possibilities, and to continue our ongoing coverage of Joaquin Rappergate, here is a video list of some of his craziest moments.


Damn, check out that honey's hair. She got the permanent in the back and the wave up front. That was the 80's adolescent girl's answer to the mullet. And Leaf in those tights! I mean Joaquin in those tights!  Man, being a child actor can F you right up.

Johnny Cashing Ripping Off Bob Dylan

Sometimes the line between artistic statement and drug induced mess is a thin one. It's really hard to tell if Joaquin spelled his name wrong on the card because he was making a point about the importance of writers or if he spelled it wrong because the handful of Xanax that he took for his midmorning snack made him forget the letter 'u' is part of the alphabet.

Fomenting Awkwardness And Quitting Acting

This was really the clip that inspired our love of Joaquin. It's painfully awkward. You want to give the guy a hug and knee him in the nuts at the same time. Little did we know it was just the beginning of many more bizarre interviews about his decision to get out of the acting game.

Condoning his 'Artism'

Woah, he just said 'artism.' That 'word' sounds a LOT like 'autism.' And then he compared himself to a priest. And no Joaquin, you are not going to inspire people with your rap career. At least not in a positive way.

Toying With Robert Duval

The thing with method actors is that they have to be crazy to create the character that want. They have to keep repeating to themselves that that are another person. If it was my job to constantly tell myself that I was someone else, I would also go batshit crazy.

Hallucinating On The Carpet

If I smoke pot I don't want to leave the house. When Joaquin wharfs down a fistful of peyote, he tries to do interviews on the red carpet and talk about the frog that wants to munch his brain. It's great how the host says he likes to have a laugh. You know who also likes to have a laugh? The homeless dude who lives underneath the bridge by my house and wears a pasta strainer for a helmet and earmuffs made out of tinfoil.

Arm Wrestling With Kelly Ripa

The man makes a very clear point in this segment. Maybe the clearest point he has ever made You DON'T want a lady to beat you in arm wrestling on national TV. You DO, however, want to take her up on her Jello wrestling challenge in private. Because whatever the outcome of the match, you have won.

Not Murdering The Birds

Yeah, yeah, PETA, vegetarian, murder, whatever. If you have an A-list celeb who's willing to shoot a commercial for you, why don't you get some talented people to actually accomplish the task and not make a piece of garbage. Juicy Plums? Really?

Rapping His Way To A Face Plant

This is the video that makes me think all of this is a giant hoax. That Joaquin is engaged in a crazy method acting quasi hoax in order to make some sort of truly absurd Hollywood meta movie with Casey Affleck.  Please let it be that. And please watch the entire video.


For added enjoyment, I've included a longer version of the rap performance for those of you who might need a good hard look at the dangers of growing up in Hollywood. Brutal folks, brutal.

Mr. Phoenix, good luck rising from those ashes.

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