“Annie” Remake: Let’s (NOT) Go to the Movies!

Wednesday, March 5 by
 

Annie is the latest classic family film to be made into a shit-storm of a remake, starring Jamie Foxx as “Daddy Warbucks,” Cameron Diaz as “Miss Hannigan,” and Quvenzhane Wallis as “Annie.”

 

Watch the trailer below, and try not to beat your head against a wall too hard while cursing Easy A director Will Gluck for casting Cameron Diaz as a completely ridiculous “white-woman-in-the-hood” version of Miss Hannigan…

 

7 Reasons This is Going to Be One of the Worst Remakes in History:

 

1. WHERE THE F*CK IS ROOSTER?!  I’m sorry, but an “Annie,” without Tim Curry‘s “Rooster,” is like a “Disneyland” without any rides.  Not only is Tim Curry not in this remake, the iconic character didn’t even make it into the trailer.  (I don’t even know if there IS a “Rooster” in this new version– and don’t even get me started on the fact that they may have also cut “Punjab”…)

 

 

2. SANDY ISN’T A FLUFFY DOG?!  This is probably a personal preference/need, but I need Sandy to be shaggy and WHY THE HELL IS SHE CHASING SANDY WHEN SANDY IS SUPPOSED TO BE CHASING HER.

 

3. WHAT IS WITH THIS KATY-PERRY-MEETS-GLEE-UPDATED-SOUNDTRACK?! No.

 

4. EVEN CAMERON DIAZ DOESN’T BUY CAMERON DIAZ AS A BELIEVABLE MISS HANNIGAN. It’s difficult to believe Cameron Diaz as the disdainful, heartless, and pitiless old maid, but I’m not sure if it’s her horrible acting, or the fact that they’ve dressed her up to like an extra from The Jersey Shore (Also, where’s the obvious alcoholism?  Loneliness? FUNDLES WITH MR. BUNDLES?!)  Seriously, where the f–k is Mr. Bundles?

 

 

5. THE WORST DIALOGUE I THINK I’VE EVER HEARD IN A TRAILER.

“Why you runnin’?”

“It gets me places quicker!”

“Little kids…”

Oh. my. god. (And don’t even get me started on that George Clooney joke, DON’T EVEN.)

 

6. IS QUVENZHALE EVEN TRYING TO ACT?  I see her speaking words, yet she has less emotion in her delivery than the Cobb Salad I ate this afternoon.

 

 

7. THE GREATEST SONG-AND-DANCE-NUMBER IN THE MUSICAL LOOKS LIKE A CHEESY VIRAL WEDDING PROPOSAL.  Red balloons?  Really?

 

8. HIS NAME ISN’T EVEN (DADDY) WARBUCKS!!! It’s “Mr. Stacks,” and he’s a politician.  Let’s also point out that Jamie Foxx‘s delivery of the line, “This is a joyous occasion” when he hears that they found Annie’s parents, is almost as bad as Cameron Diaz‘ delivery of every single line in this trailer.  Ouch.

 

 

My future-children are never seeing this movie.  It’s officially banned in my future-house.

 

What is this YouTube sh*t?! WHERE’S PUNJAB?!

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