When I was putting together this mornings DVDs that don’t suck post, I saw something interesting on Amazon’s new releases page. Right above the Elisha Cuthbert rom com, My Sassy Girl was a $40 DVD called "The Best of Penis Massage." Of course I clicked on it, forever ruining my Amazon recomendations for the sake of a laugh.
Looking at the cover is an adventure in itself. It claims to have expert advice from people like sex educators, tantra teachers and orgasm coaches, who I can only assume stand by the side of your bed yelling, "Let’s see some hustle!" and blowing a whistle. There are also sexological bodyworkers, which sounds like something that would be written on a T-shirt hanging hanging next to one that says "Bikini Inspector."
When you get down to the product description, things get even creepier. it claims to be the result of 25 years of research. Who needs 25 years to learn how to jerk off? I learned everything I needed from half an episode of Red Shoe Diaries I saw 13 years ago.
The best part is that it’s out of stock, meaning that there must be an unexpected amount of people out there who are ready to take masturbation, and incredible sadness, to the next level.
And just in case you think I’m making all of this up, please feel free to check out the Amazon page. Just be sure to log out first unless you want them to start suggesting books about anal relaxation techniques.