Ladies, we love you, but your taste in TV sucks. Please, read and consider these points carefully while we sneak over and delete Grey’s Anatomy from the TiVo list.
You don’t know this, women, but when Sex and the City finally ended its run on TV, guys all over the country got together for a secret celebration. There were party hats and streamers…it really was fun. But we should have known that a show that scraped so much money out of the overpriced handbags of women everywhere wouldn’t die that easily. Lipstick Jungle is the story of three rich women who mess their own lives up because they can’t handle every day situations. Sure, ladies will say that we "don’t like to see strong women on TV," but it’s really the opposite. We can’t stand hearing these airheads cluck for an hour every week about relationships and lip gloss. Plus, lipstick is a euphemism for a dog penis and the thought of a jungle full of dog penises is just gross.
To use industry douche bag terms, this show is the tentpole in the line-up of terrible chick shows. It also cost one of my close friends a relationship. He came home one night from the gym to find his girlfriend crying. He immediately went to comfort her. When he asked what had happened she told him that, "Denny was dead." When he found out that Denny was just a character on some shitty TV show, he said, "Oh, I thought it was something serious." That statement started an all-night argument that ended with break up that could have easily been avoided. Here’s a strategy, ladies: If you don’t want to cry, then don’t watch awful shows that you know will make you sad.
The Biggest Loser: Families
We will never bitch about people wanting to get healthy, but it should be for the right reasons. Watching 400 pound people waddle on a treadmill and then weigh themselves is certainly not the right one. The real problem with this show is that it inspires you to work out, but sets unrealistic standards. Sure, the 460-pound trucker can lose 30 pounds in a week on a ranch with a nutritionist, no job and personal trainers, but normal people can’t. That leads to disappointment. Disappointment leads to cake binges and cake binges end up with hysterical crying. That is, of course, if you’re a chick. If you’re a guy, cake binges usually end in a nap.
When it comes to clothing, most guys are easily satisfied by the old standards. The little black dress is perfect and jeans and a T-shirt really can be amazing, but it seems like nothing make ladies want to dress sillier than watching this show. Those dumbass judges could tell one of the contestants that football cleats were in and the next day Modell’s would be flooded with chicks wearing tights under skirts and sweaters with enormous collars. If you have to watch something about fashion, make it QVC. I hear they have some very nice sequin sweaters.
America’s Next Top Model
"Do you think that girl is pretty?" your girlfriend asks. If you say yes, you’re an asshole and if you say no, you’re a pig. Another awful thing about this show: You have to listen to Tyra Banks. I read somewhere that the prisoners at Abu Ghraib were given the choice between watching Tyra for one hour or being stripped naked, whipped, blindfolded and then stacked into some kind of perverted naked man pyramid. Guess which one they chose?
Extreme Makeover Home Edition
I guess I can’t knock the actual makers of the show since they’re out there trying to help people, but it gives viewers another reason to cry–and crying sucks. Crying is what you do when your dog dies or when you accidentally cut off one of your fingers with a table saw. Why would you look for another reason to do it? And you know you’re going to since every family on the show has 27 sick children, all of whom work at a soup kitchen trying to scrape together enough money to buy their dad some new wooden legs since his old ones floated away in hurricane Katrina. But hey, some appliances from Sears should fix that right up.
There’s no complicated reason we don’t want our girlfriends watching this show, it just happens to suck. It’s a soap opera in prime time Sunday night which is when there’s a ton of other good TV on. The worst way to end your weekend is watching a bunch of washed-up hags jabber on about their plots to kill their husbands who mysteriously have amnesia.
Dancing with the Stars
The terrible thing about dancing is that anyone can do it. Not everyone can do it well, of course, but that doesn’t stop girlfriends from wanting to try it. Since the start of this show, plenty of my guy friends have ended up taking a dance class because their girls were so impressed by Joey Fatone, that they had to go out and try it for themselves. We don’t make you go out and play tackle football every fall, so please just leave us out of this whole ballroom dancing thing.
Like with most things, working at a big magazine is not as exciting as TV makes it look. But, when you have a regular old job, the prospect of going to fancy parties and bumping elbows with celebrities can be overwhelming. It can also make you hate your own shitty job. If your girl ever asks you, "If she could do it, then why can’t I?" Tell her it’s because TV isn’t real and then start trying to pack your things into boxes while protecting your groin at the same time.