9 NUDE SCENES TO AVOID ON FILM

Monday, August 10 by

THIS IS A WARNING.  If you’ve come to this page with the intention of being aroused you should turn back now.  You saw the word "NUDE" and thought everything was going to be hunky-dory, but you are sorely mistaken.  There are no perky breasts or tight rumps to be found here, my friends.  We’re about to showcase a few outstanding nude scenes that won’t leave you standing at attention.  Sometimes they’re for a laugh, sometimes they’re for dramatic effect, but all of them are guaranteed to make you…uncomfortable.  So here’s your heads up, Screen Junkies.  If you’re watching any of these films below and gross, grey anatomy pops onto screen, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

 

Kathy Bates in About Schmidt

We can say one thing about Kathy’s nude scene: at least it wasn’t Jack Nicholson.  She opens up that robe and then BAM, you get a whole lotta middle-aged woman.  If I have to see breasts floating atop the surface of a hot tub, I prefer them to be attached to someone about thirty years younger.   

 

Harvey Keitel in The Bad Lieutenant

The tagline for this film is "Gambler. Thief. Junkie. Killer. Cop."  Nowhere in there does it say nudist!  But I guess when you’re strung out on heroin there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to take your clothes off.  The fresh air feels so good against your balls.  Right, Harvey?   

 

Scary Old Woman in The Shining

We can say one thing about Scary Old Lady’s nude scene: at least it wasn’t Jack Nicholson.  Nevermind the whithered skin and awkward attempt at affection, I’m still trying to figure out what’s smeared across her backside.  It looks like someone had a senior moment in the bathtub… 

 

Kevin Bacon in Wild Things

If there was ever a gratuitous nude scene in a film that this is it.  There is absolutely NO reason we need to see Kevin Bacon’s slab of bacon whilst he is scrubbing himself in the shower.  It completely kills the high from the Denise/Neve lesbian pool kiss.  However, the good nudity in Wild Things definitely outweighs the bad nudity.  Lesson for all filmmakers: pre-release hype of a penis in your film isn’t a positive kind of hype. 

 

Magda in There’s Something About Mary

Sure, it’s fake, but it’s still unsettling.  Sure, that’s the point, but it’s still unsettling.  Prosthetic flabby boobies can be just as damaging to the male psyche as natural flabby boobies.  Although the bikini tan line is kinda hot…

 

Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen

Put some pants on!  No one wants to be blinded by your bright blue glowing junk.  Even though you don’t find them necessary in the whole scheme of the universe, there are still rules in society.  How am I supposed to listen to your pedantic ramblings if your tip is touching the leg of the person next to you? 

 

Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

A classic breakup scene.  One couldn’t possibly feel more vulnerable than when they are completely naked.  Personally, I would have preferred if Kristen Bell was the nude party in this scene, but I suppose it wouldn’t have been as funny.  Then again, who gives a shit about laughing when Kristen Bell is nude. 

 

M.C. Gainey in Sideways

Running and nudity do not go together at all.  Especially if the naked running person is M.C. Gainey, an out of shape, burly man.  They might as well have has Paul Giamatti hoofing it in the buff.  Now THAT would have been a scene to avoid. 

 

Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights

What can I really say about the final scene in Boogie Nights that hasn’t already been said?  I remember seeing it in the theatre with my mother sitting right next to me.  Dirk whipped out his asset and the color drained from my face.  I’m sure my mom died a little inside.  It was almost as bad as the time we went and saw Eyes Wide Shut together.  I need to quit going to such sexually explicit films with the woman who raised me…

What are some other nude scenes that everyone should avoid?  Let’s all do our part in the comments section!

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