9 NUDE SCENES TO AVOID ON FILM

POSTED BY Col. Hans Longshanks | MONDAY AUGUST 10 AT 10:40 PDT

THIS IS A WARNING. If you've come to this page with the intention of being aroused you should turn back now. You saw the word "NUDE" and thought everything was going to be hunky-dory, but you are sorely mistaken. There are no perky breasts or tight rumps to be found here, my friends. We're about to showcase a few outstanding nude scenes that won't leave you standing at attention. Sometimes they're for a laugh, sometimes they're for dramatic effect, but all of them are guaranteed to make you...uncomfortable. So here's your heads up, Screen Junkies. If you're watching any of these films below and gross, grey anatomy pops onto screen, don't say we didn't warn you.

Kathy Bates in About Schmidt

We can say one thing about Kathy's nude scene: at least it wasn't Jack Nicholson. She opens up that robe and then BAM, you get a whole lotta middle-aged woman. If I have to see breasts floating atop the surface of a hot tub, I prefer them to be attached to someone about thirty years younger.

Harvey Keitel in The Bad Lieutenant

The tagline for this film is "Gambler. Thief. Junkie. Killer. Cop." Nowhere in there does it say nudist! But I guess when you're strung out on heroin there's a pretty good chance you're going to take your clothes off. The fresh air feels so good against your balls. Right, Harvey?

Scary Old Woman in The Shining

We can say one thing about Scary Old Lady's nude scene: at least it wasn't Jack Nicholson. Nevermind the whithered skin and awkward attempt at affection, I'm still trying to figure out what's smeared across her backside. It looks like someone had a senior moment in the bathtub...

Kevin Bacon in Wild Things

If there was ever a gratuitous nude scene in a film than this is it. There is absolutely NO reason we need to see Kevin Bacon's slab of bacon whilst he is scrubbing himself in the shower. It completely kills the high from the Denise/Neve lesbian pool kiss. However, the good nudity in Wild Things definitely outweighs the bad nudity. Lesson for all filmmakers: pre-release hype of a penis in your film isn't a positive kind of hype.

Magda in There's Something About Mary

Sure, it's fake, but it's still unsettling. Sure, that's the point, but it's still unsettling. Prosthetic flabby boobies can be just as damaging to the male psyche as natural flabby boobies. Although the bikini tan line is kinda hot...

Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen

Put some pants on! No one wants to be blinded by your bright blue glowing junk. Even though you don't find them necessary in the whole scheme of the universe, there are still rules in society. How am I supposed to listen to your pedantic ramblings if your tip is touching the leg of the person next to you?

Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

A classic breakup scene. One couldn't possibly feel more vulnerable than when they are completely naked. Personally, I would have preferred if Kristen Bell was the nude party in this scene, but I suppose it wouldn't have been as funny. Then again, who gives a shit about laughing when Kristen Bell is nude.

M.C. Gainey in Sideways

Running and nudity do not go together at all. Especially if the naked running person is M.C. Gainey, an out of shape, burly man. They might as well have had Paul Giamatti hoofing it in the buff. Now THAT would have been a scene to avoid.

Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights

What can I really say about the final scene in Boogie Nights that hasn't already been said? I remember seeing it in the theatre with my mother sitting right next to me. Dirk whipped out his asset and the color drained from my face. I'm sure my mom died a little inside. It was almost as bad as the time we went and saw Eyes Wide Shut together. I need to quit going to such sexually explicit films with the woman who raised me...

What are some other nude scenes that everyone should avoid? Let's all do our part in the comments section!

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Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 01:24 pm How about the hotel chase scene in Borat? Can't look but can't look away!

Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 01:52 pm To guys thirty years older than you;Kathy Bates is a 10

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August 10th, 2009 at 06:04 pm Yeah, the Borat scene is the #1 ALL TIME NUDE SCENE TO AVOID!

Buckminster Schumacker III Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 06:33 pm

Haha yes that's a good one, but in our defense, they do use the swinging black censorship bars to conceal Borat and Azamat's chrams and anooses.

Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 06:59 pm yeah how about the scene in Eurotrip with all the old dudes running on the nude beach. nasty!

Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 07:37 pm Recently, "The Hangover" had a WTF nudity moment (hint, not Heather Graham). Also, Keitel flapped around in "The Piano" as well.

Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 08:28 pm Wait till you see Bruno! The first sex scene leaves Borat's hotel room scene for dead! He is out of control.. On the other side of the spectrum, the scene of Bruno and a dominatrix at the end of the film is one of the funniest things I have ever seen on film..

Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 08:45 pm the borat one is good! how about the farva shower scene from super troopers too?!

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August 10th, 2009 at 08:45 pm For a gay man, some of those scenes are pretty hot. Probably for some women too. Just because it's male doesn't mean people don't want to see it.

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August 10th, 2009 at 08:53 pm Re: Wild Things... Outways != outweighs

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August 10th, 2009 at 09:00 pm the Crying Game

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August 10th, 2009 at 09:09 pm Don't forget Will Farrell jogging in "Old School"

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August 10th, 2009 at 09:27 pm Oh no you saw a penis! you poor thing. fucking bunch of neo-victorians

Says:
August 10th, 2009 at 09:37 pm The scene in Porky's 2 when all the old KKK members were running around naked.

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August 10th, 2009 at 10:31 pm I can understand flabby fat people being not fun, but just because we see a penis doesn't mean it's bad. I mean, hello Billy Crudup was totally hot in that film, too bad it was mostly CG. And I appreciated Kevin Bacon and Jason Segal going nude. I totally respect men willing to get naked in movies.

Says:
August 11th, 2009 at 05:51 am Jason "Jay" Mewes in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Not only do you get to see his penis, you also get to see him bendo over from behind. Now imagen that on the big screen.

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August 11th, 2009 at 07:31 am This article is stupid.

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August 11th, 2009 at 09:13 am William H. Macy's pasty ass in The Cooler. I still have nightmares.

Buckminster Schumacker III Says:
August 11th, 2009 at 09:15 am

Yes, I suppose for some gay men some of those scenes are pretty hot. Unfortunately our feature box doesn't allow us to get specific when titling posts, thanks to character limit. In hindsight, this should have been "9 Nude Scenes to Avoid for Neo-Victorian Heterosexual Male Audience Members."

Says:
August 11th, 2009 at 10:59 am I appreciate non-traditional forms of nudity in films, especially full-frontal male nudity, but the climax scene of Observe and Report with the obese flasher is just plain frightening.

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August 11th, 2009 at 01:35 pm I agree with anonymous; this is a stupid article. You men and your frail egos who can't stand to see another man's penis, especially if it's bigger or nicer-looking than yours! I think there ought to be as much male nudity in movies as there is female nudity. And I mean full frontal. Half the audience watched that crappy movie just to see Kevin Bacon in his naked splendor. Give us more gratuitous male frontal nudity!

Says:
August 11th, 2009 at 07:15 pm How about the scene from Observe and Report where seth rogen chases "the pervert" through the mall

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August 11th, 2009 at 10:53 pm How about the scene from Shallow Hal of the guy with a tail? Still makes me squirm just thinking about it.........

Says:
August 12th, 2009 at 05:01 pm Bronson had some horrific male nudity. And to the person championing Billy Crudup's dong: there were team members whose only role in that film was to CGI his dick bounce. I don't quite understand why we needed to see that. Hell, the movie had more cock shot than the comic book did. That's just fucked up.

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August 18th, 2009 at 04:03 pm Schindler's List?

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September 8th, 2009 at 12:13 pm "For a gay man, some of those scenes are pretty hot." STFU FAGGOT