If you’re anything like me, you treated the Friday after christmas like a holiday. And by holiday, I mean that you filled a kiddie pool with Coors Light and floated around on an acoustic guitar wearing nothing but cowboy boots and aviator sunglasses. So that means that you might have to spend a bit of time this week returning some gifts. But it’s almost 2009 (which is when the future gets here), so why return them when you can just regift? If some of those gifts happen to be DVDs from your family who barely know you but think they do, then here’s a handy list of who to give them to. Again.
Who to Regift: Will Ferrell
We expect WAY more out of Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. This one didn’t live up to its potential. That’s wh I am suggesting that if you have received a copy, send it directly back to Will with a note mentioning how disappointed you were. Sir– you can do a lot better.
Horton Hears a Who
Who to Regift: Your six year old cousin
This was the second most purchased DVD of the year. But why your great aunt gave you a copy is only a testament to the utterly devastating effects of presenile dementia. So while Auntie Hears Voices, you have younger cousins to pawn it off on. THAT’S the meaning of family.
Who to Regift: That dude that works at your office who might be an actual Neanderthal
The trailer for this movie made it look absolutely bad-ass. And while Camilla Belle is totally hot, it’s quite possibly the worstly scripted movie of 2008. Fortunately, the caveman that works in the cubicle near you will be so transfixed by the CGI Mastodon battle sequences that the lack of story wont matter. Homeboy can’t get to the water cooler without scraping his knuckles. And you will be his new hero. That’s important if the clan from accounts receivable attacks with spears.
Who to Regift: Retarded Greeter at Best Buy
To be fair, this movie wasn’t terrible. It just had some questionable plot twists about 75% of the way through that you could see came out of two writers, holed up in the Standard Hotel on the Sunset Strip, coked to their gills, trying to figure out where to take this shoddy basic premise. They failed, and so there is no reason why you would need a DVD of their half-assed attempt. I’m not suggesting you return it to Best But, Im suggesting you actually wrap it back up, walk into the store, and give it to the retarded person who works as a greeter. They will get it. The will LOVE it.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Who to Regift: George Lucas
Although I am the only person on the planet who actually seemed to like this film, the consensus is that Lucas has continued his cinematic binge of raping your childhood. Which is why you should re-gift the dvd to him. But before you do, take the actual DVD out, and put a new dvd in its place of a video you made yourself. Three minutes of you taking a dump on a local puppy should suffice.
The Bucket List
Who to Regift: Your Grandpa
Your grandmother gave you this DVD because it has that charming Jack Nicholson and that well spoken black fellow in it. She was basically buying it for herself. So she wont be angry when you give it to grandpa. In fact, she might even be happy. And you definitely want grandma happy. She doesn’t have much time left. Especially if she keeps smoking.
Fool’s Gold (Widescreen Edition)
Re-Gift to: Dolores in Human Resources
The only people who like Matthew McConaughey are his mother and every other woman on the planet. As males there is nothing we can do about it. So give it away to that special lady down in the basement who takes care of payroll. It will give her something to watch (again) on Friday night over a pint of Ben And Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and loneliness. Good thing DVDs are tear proof.
Sex In The City
Re-Gift To: Your Gay Neighbor.
You got this from you friend who has a good sense of humor, and is willing to pay 20 bux to get you a gag gift. Now the problem is that you need to get rid of it as fast as humanly possible, because otherwise you might pop it in the player some night when there is absolutely nothing else to watch, and it will immediately make you want to go buy women’s shoes. Go directly to your gay neighbor and offer it as a very special happy new years present. Resist the desire to call him a homo, give him a wedgie, and run away.
The Dark Knight
Re-Gift it to: Anyone
If sales of this DVD are any indication, chances are VERY good that you received at least three copies for Christmas. So why not give one away? It still leaves you with two. You could re-gift this to just about anyone, excluding the homeless, because most of them don’t have DVD players. Not yet anyway. Give it a few years. I hear Obama’s economic stimulus plan includes a Blue Ray’s for All Hobos section. The future IS now.