If you’re having horizontal relations on a regular basis, chances are pretty good you’re busy Saturday night. But fear not you coupled soldier you, there is no reason your bro-ness has to be sacrificed in the name of Saint Valentine. I know I’m planning on dinner for two and a movie in the comfort of my apartment, but if you’re just starting down the road on monogamy you’re going to be expected to leave the house. So when it comes to what movie you’re going to see at the multiplex after your romantic dinner, keep in mind February 14th is her day. Which means unless your GF is crazy awesome, My Bloody Valentine 3D is out. So here’s a run down of what you’ll need to sit through if you want to see her naked later.
PLOT: The film follows intertwining stories of misinterpreted dating signs and desperate women trying to sleep with Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck. But what better way to extinguish a romantic flame than dousing it with a heavy stream of man-hating propaganda? This cannot turn out good for you as the night goes on.
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: It’s based off a book on the sorority girl reading list and it’s "sooo true omg!"
SAVING GRACE: Like most chick flicks, it has a solid lineup of leading ladies: Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, and Jennifer Connelly. Plus a skinny dipping Scarlett Johansson – things aren’t all bad. You’ll get thru this, chief.
PLOT: It’s like Sex and the City without the sex.
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: Because for some reason, girls have an insatiable appetite for shopping. Guys walk into a store, get what they came for, and get back in the car. Girls go into stores and circle sales racks like it’s Shark Week, just waiting to rip shit apart. This isn’t a movie, it is the rundown of next month’s Visa statement.
SAVING GRACE: Sarah Jessica Parker’s horse face is replaced by the much more attractive Isla Fisher. And instead of an old hag for a friend, her co-star is blonde hotness Leslie Bibb.
PLOT: A precocious girl feels neglected by her parents only to find a fantasy world that is not what it seems. And it’s in 3-D.
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: Every girl has at some time in their life felt both precocious and neglected. Most girls also constructed fantasy worlds in their heads when they were younger. This movie will make her feel like she’s not getting old, which might help you get laid. It also might bring out her Daddy Issues with force.
SAVING GRACE: This is actually a pretty solid movie. It has impressive animation and gets increasingly creepier as it progresses. It’s also worth noting that as the evil character– voiced by Teri Hatcher– gets more and more evil, she also looks more and more like the actual Teri Hatcher. And remember, even though you can go into this on knowing that it’s a good film, you still need to act like you have no interest in seeing it. That’s just how it works.
PLOT: Joaquin Phoenix moves back in with his parents in Brooklyn and tries to figure out which woman he wants: the one his parents set him up with or the hot neighbor chick. Expect tons of melodramatic scenes that seem to last forever.
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: This is a direct quote from The Hollywood Reporter: "a throwback to the days when love in movies involved the mind as well as the heart." Vomit in my face.
SAVING GRACE: Gwynth Paltrow flashes her boob. That should be enough right there.
PLOT: Renee Zelwegger figured she hadn’t done enough damage to the film industry, so she came back with another brainless romantic comedy that is sure to have you hating life. From what we can tell, she’s a businesswoman who has to go to Minnesota and falls for a rural guy. How many times has that movie been made?
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: Because you obviously did something wrong and she hates you.
SAVING GRACE: None. Try to keep the plastic bag off your head.
PLOT: Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson are like BFF, but they totally book their weddings on the same day (dra-ma!) and come up with creative ways to crash each other’s big day. Hijinks ensue.
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: She want you to propose to her. Or she recently got in bad with a friend of hers and needs an excuse to vent. Or she just really likes shitty movies. We have no idea. Honestly, we don’t know why women want to do anything. If we did we wouldnt be making lists like this.
SAVING GRACE: Anne Hathaway/Kate Hudson chick fight? There probably won’t be any torn clothes, but the dream will keep you on the edge of your seat till the credits.
PLOT: Kevin James fails at comedy.
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: I have no idea. Honestly, I don’t know why women want to do anything. If I did we wouldnt be making lists like this. I would be selling this information to rich dudes with man boobs and no hair.
SAVING GRACE: If she recommended this, at least you have a reason to break up. And by the time you’re back to dating, it will be out of the theatre.
PLOT: Clive Owen and Naomi Watts work on a bank bailout or some shit.
WHY SHE WANTS TO SEE IT: Two words: Clive Owen.
SAVING GRACE: Although it’s getting some mediocre reviews, it does have two things going for it, and the first is Naomi Watts. The second is an extraordinary shoot-out at the Guggenheim Museum. Come on, you know you’ve fantasized about using modern art for target practice. This movie has compromise written all over it.
Good Luck Brosef.
By Chris Spencer