8 Most Famous TV Beers

Wednesday, December 3 by

Beer and TV go together like hookers and blow. And since both of those are illegal AND expensive, why don’t you just crack open a cold one and stroll through 8 of TV’s best screen-licking brews.

PAWTUCKET PATRIOT ALE

 

DUFF BEER From The Simpsons. The Seven Duffs of Duff Gardens: Tipsy, Queasy, Surly, Sleazy, Edgy, Dizzy, and Remorseful. Appearance: wrap-around suglasses, rhythmically gyrating pelvis. Palate: loud, great with fish and arena football. Overall: 7

COLT 45 From a commercial. Passed over for the role of Han Solo? Crappy. Played Harvey Dent in Batman but lost the role of Two-Face to Tommy Lee Jones? Also crappy. Lifetime supply of Colt? Ok, I guess. But seriously, anyone who’s had this stuff knows it’s basically a headache in a can. Appearance: Cable-knit sweater, mood lighting, groping hands. Palate: Smooth, resilient, octave drop in voice Overall: 4.5

COLDCOCK MALT LIQUOR From SNL. Tim Meadows in his smoothest role since, er, before “The Ladies Man”. Appearance: Piano player, golden bicep Palate: Sore jaw, memory loss, possible concussion Overall: 9 (SNL seasons)

SCHMITTS GAY From SNL. This skit single handedly made McCain’s chief strategist Steve Schmidt’s life a bit rougher. Appearance: Sparkling pool, sunshine, speedo. Palate: New experience, faint traces of smuggled grapes. Overall: 5 (But not in a bad way)

WILLER BEER From Kentucky Fried Movie (technically it’s not a TV show, but it’s the type of movie they play on TV.) Hare Krishna? More like “Beer Me! Krishna.” Appearance: flowing robe, no-fuss hairstyle Palate: No intoxicants, no illicit sex. Overall: 1

ALAMO BEER From King Of The Hill. Hank Hill’s brand is pretty bland. It’s an homage to Lonestar, the "National Beer Of Texas." Appearance: nondescript, plain, chubby. Palate: warm, familiar, repetitive, dull Overall: 4 (Guys in an alley)

EDGE

From Beavis and Butthead. These two only binge on only the finest. Appearance: lightbulb shaped skulls, misleading packaging. Palate: uncontrollable laughter, tingles the braces. Overall: 2

More Pure Entertainment

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The Japanese Need A Subway Poster About Drinking (Holy Taco)

George Lucas Got His Start In Car Porn (Film Drunk)

The Best Of TV (Gorillamask)

 

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