By now, you have probably heard that a new Ghost Busters flick is actually in the works. The project is still in its early stages, but we have a few suggestions when it comes to picking a bad guy. Here’s a glimpse at our short list.
Back in 1990, Bill Cosby (and a whole bunch of other people who aren’t famous anymore) spun a wonderfull tale about a dead dad’s relationship with his stupid kids. Sure it was cute at first, but now he’s starting to get annoying. Imagine if your dad was a ghost and could walk in on you any time he wanted. How would you ever get any masturbation done? The kids could hire the Busters to trap the dad and give them some freedom. Inside the containment chamber, Ghost Dad would annoy the other ghosts with tales of stickball and whatever else it is that Bill Cosby’s stand-up was about.
Being a famous child ghost can really be hard on a person. There’s no privacy and that can lead to substance addiction. When Casper runs out of money to feed his habits, he crosses the line from haunting to mugging. The Ghost Busters would have to get to Casper and bring him to rehab using their proton packs. Then they could set him free to bring joy to children once again. Of course he would fall back off the wagon in three months and they’d have to cook his ass with their unlicensed nuclear accelerators.
Patrick Swayze from Ghost
Anyone who has ever seen Road House knows that Swayze could kick some serious ass, which would make him a much better opponent than that fat-ass slimer from the first movie or that old guy from The Lord of the Rings in the second one. Plus, he knew how to harness his ghostly powers thanks to Vincent Schiavelli (The creepy-looking ghost in the subway), so he would be an incredibly formidable opponent. The whole conflict would start when Whoopie finally gets fed up with her ghost pal always climbing inside of her body. No means no, buster.
The Ghost of Christmas future
Of all of the Christmas ghosts, the ghost of Christmas future is certainly the scariest. With the ability to travel through space and time, the new flock of Ghost Busters would have to really use their heads if they want to capture this guy. Plus, he already squared off against Bill Murray in Scrooged and you know that there’s some bad blood there.
The Twins from The Shining
I can honestly say that if I ever find myself walking alone down a hotel hallway, the image of these two still pops into my head. It’s probably because I saw The Shining when I was way too young and nearly pissed myself during their scene. But, I really think it would help my psyche to see their asses get busted into a ghost trap. They should go in and get that slimy broad, too. In fact, how awesome would it be for the whole movie to be a big cross-over where the Ghost Busters take on The Outlook Hotel. Someone get Judd Apatow on the phone and rouse Stephen King out of his hermit bomb shelter. We have busines to do.
Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense
After finding out that he is, in fact, a ghost, Dr. Malcolm Crow gets very belligerent towards poor little Cole. OK, I sort of ran out of where to go with this one. In fact, I’m sort of running out of movie ghosts all together. No, wait…there’s one more!
The image of Large Marge’s huge, bulging eyes have been burned into the collective unconscious of people my age since this movie came out. Her part didn’t even make any sense and was, frankly, kind of scary when you’re small. So, for that, Large Marge, you get your ass sucked into the containment unit with the rest of the dead people. And when you get there. Tell ‘em that the Screenjunkies sent you. Well, really the Ghost Busters sent you, but we suggested that they do so.
And before you comment to ask whether I just "wrote down the first seven movie ghosts I could think of" or "searched the term "movie ghosts" on Google, you’re right. That’s exactly what I did. But if Hollywood is allowed to be lazy and squish money out of a long-dormant franchise, then dammit, so can I.