We here at Screenjunkies know a thing or two about the old television set. Here is one of our lists of shows that should immediately be made.
Tagline: "The life of a parent can be so constricting."
Plot Synopsis: Five gigantic Amazonian snakes compete to see which one can raise a 2 year old. Which child will get into the best preschool? Which one will learn to read first? Which one will be devoured before the opening credits of the pilot?
Tagline: "Posession is 9-10ths of the game."
Plot Synopsis: Esteemed members of the United States Supreme Court compete in hard core 3-on-3 elbow-throwing streetball. All fouls are voted on and require a five-ninths majority vote to be sustained.
Tagline: "Addiction is an uphill battle."
Plot Synopsis: Twenty alcoholic rock climbers are pitted against one another in an every-man-for-himself race to the top of K2. Caches of Coors Light and Maker’s Mark are located every 300 vertical feet.
Tagline: "Crime pays if you are fast enough."
Plot Synopsis: Outakes from Cops and The Craziest Police Chases are compiled to show the times that the bad guy was just too fast, too smart, or just straight lucky. Emphasis will be placed on overweight cops who are unable to keep up with younger, fitter criminals.
Tagline: "Like shooting fish in a barrel…literally."
Plot Synopsis: Grizzled, hardened Alaskan crabbers compete to see who can shoot the most fish at close range using a shotgun. The show is filmed in Hawaii and all contestants have 24-7 access to back rubs and moisturizer.
Tagline: "Life in the fastlane was never so slow."
Plot Synopsis: It’s The National Association for Stock Car Autos And Retired Persons where drivers compete at speeds upwards of 35 miles per hour in an all out battle for the checkered flag. Frequent stops to urinate, unanticipated naps during tire changes, and subtle yet pervasive racism affect the outcome of each event.
Tagline: "Shifting gears from the Pentagon to the open road."
Plot Synopsis: After a long and successful career as one of America’s preeminent military servicemen, Colin Powell buys a big rig truck and hauls various agricultural products to the nation’s neediest. Powered by amphetamines and diet soda, where will his travels take him?
By MAX POWERS and PHILLIP BUSTER