7 MOVIES WATCHMEN WILL DESTROY
The day for which many have been waiting is finally upon us. After a very public legal battle and gazillions of marketing dollars spent, fans everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief. Today Zach Snyder’s adaptation of Watchmen opens in theaters. It’s expected to dominat the box office for the foreseeable future. How can the other studios compete? They can’t. That’s why they’re releasing the worst films on their rosters in hopes of getting them in and out of theaters quickly and quietly. After the jump are the movies that will be trounced at this weekend’s box office. I’m not sure why anyone in his or her right mind would ever produce these in the first place or want to see them.
AN ICECONVENIENT TRUTH
Ice is back with a brand new edition… of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth. The pro-enviro film played very well on its initial run but it never appealed to a key demographic – white trash Floridian teenagers. That’s where Vanilla Ice comes in. Not only were he and Al Gore college roommates but also Ice is the only one who can reach those kids. Except for Insane Clown Posse and that singer from Staind.
If there is one thing that children enjoy it is gritty realism.
MARIO VAN PEEBLES CHECKS HIS FACEBOOK
Despite being a critical darling at last year’s Sundance Film Festival, Mario Van Peebles Checks His Facebook is not expected to perform that well. Could be because the public have grown tired and wary of watching stars from yesterday experience unexpected career resurrections. Or it could be because the entire movie is just Mario Van Peebles checking his Facebook page. Seriously Mario, enough with the SuperPokes.
8 BIT PORNO
Not much of a story to this one. A plumber and his brother travel to a magical kingdom and save a fair damsel from a fire-breathing scourge. And then they all get down to some serious deep-d***ing. You don’t know the heights of eroticism until you hear the soothing tones of porn music converted to a MIDI format.
SILENCE OF THE YAMS
Taking a turn from their earlier Bible-influenced morality tales, the Veggie Tales gang search for an abducted young woman. But in order to catch a killer, you have to think like a killer. Will Larry the Cucumber emerge from this with his soul intact?
Still grieving the death of his young son, Nicolas Cage plays a numbers expert who discovers a sinister book of Sodoku puzzles during a crime scene investigation. But what secret do these numbers hold? Is there a link between them and the world of the dead? With the help of a sexy, young medium he literally travels to Hell and back to find these answers. Also featuring Gabriel Byrne.
THE GRANDMOTHERHOOD OF THE ASSLESS PANTS
This endearing tale of elderly woman with their asses hanging out is sure to touch your heart. By that I mean give you heartburn. And nightmares, the type of nightmares that make you hate sex.