To the dearly departed, we are gathered here today to bid farewell to on-screen corpses. They taught us a bunch. As you slowly progress through the 5 stages of grief, Screenjunkies is here with more wisdom than the drunk guy at the wake’s open bar. So please join us as we find out what these big screen bodies can teach us about the healing process.
If Bernie Lomax taught us anything about death it is keep your shades on, wear white pants, and dance like nobody’s aware that you are rotting. Just because a dude is dead doesn’t mean he can’t have fun!
Running the family motel is a tough gig for Norman Bates. He has to wash linens, restock little soaps, and fatally stab showering ladies. Mothers always advise their boys to wear clean underwear- just not theirs. This is the clearest case of death-denial in movie history.
Beetlejuice survived the Black Plague, monstrous sand worms, and Geena Davis’s chompers. At first Baldwin and Davis were bummed by their dead-ness. But they tried to argue their way out of it and ended up figuring ways to deal with it. It even became fun.
Burying an bitching, elderly lady upside down in the front yard is tough work. Dropping her off at a morgue with a note, “Nice old Lady – Died of Natural Causes” may arouse suspicion. This one fits into the category of bargaining because that’s what you do with a babysitter. Unless she dies. Because then you’ve won.
We can all learn from Joe Pesci. Just get that anger out. It’s like poison. Get it out.
Some guys think having a chick with a backwards head and another with a huge hole in her stomach sounds like some pay-by-the-hour Vegas debauchery. Wait, ALL guys think that. But seriously, if this shit happened to me, I’d be pissed too.
Four boys set out to find the body of Ray Brower. Their trip reveals how creepy young Keifer Sutherland looks, how chubby Jerry O’Connell was, and that if you are picking berries while wearing Keds, you should be hit by a train. This fits despair because seeing dead bodies when you are a kid screws you up for life.
“Y’all wanna see a dead body?” Most kids explore an empty lot and only find a filthy bag of wet porno. Tre and Doughboy found this fool who got smoked. Living in South Central is basically the essence of despair. You find dead bodies every day, right?
Ice sculptures at weddings are expensive, temporary, and worthless. So it’s nice to see one fatally crush a crazed bride-to-be. Besides, haunting an ex is just stalking in disguise. You’ve moved on, but her phantom is still out to get you.
Christian Bale lost over 60 pounds to play the role of Trevor Reznik, an insomniac factory worker who dumps a dead body “burrito style” in a rug. It’s really hard to determine which one is the corpse though. In the end Bale accepts that he’s dead. Just look at him. Uuuuugh.
By BUCK RUSSELL (still alive)