Having squared-off against Rastafarians, thugs and vampires, Steven Seagal will leave no ass unkicked. No windpipe uncrushed. No face not hit with a pool cue. Here are five potential films for the strong man to headline.
When his evil twin steals his face to commit the crime of the century, Chicago Mayor Gage Trakker awakes in a hospital faceless. He frees himself from his captors and adorns his sinister sibling’s goateed grill in order to literally hunt down his own flesh and blood. It’s a race against time, as each face grows increasingly pockmarked. Will Gabe find his brother and recover his identity in time? And more importantly, why doesn’t he just shave??
Vowing revenge for the murder of his partner, FBI Taster Chug Stugots goes undercover in the corrupt world of high stakes competitive eating. Also because they have free pie. However, Chug soon finds that the corruption goes all the way to the White House. Has Chug bitten off more than he can chew? Will he be consumed by his cravings for vengeance?? Are you going to eat that???
There is no actor alive better suited for an updated adaptation of the 1958 short story. There is also no actor alive that runs as hysterically as Seagal. It looks like he’s squeezing a penny between his bum-cheeks. In this version, Seagal stars as a drill sergeant who uses a long run to reflect upon the many asses he has kicked throughout his life. And maybe he’s running because he’s on his way to uppercut a pimp or something.
Aikido-master and nuclear expert Dr. Jack Barnard is abruptly called upon to baby-sit his estranged nieces for the weekend. However, on this particular weekend the nuclear facility he works at in taken over by Bosnian mercenaries. Barnard is the only man that knows enough about nuclear bombs and judo chops to take down the terrorists. He must make sure that little Melissa doesn’t eat any peanuts because she has allergies all while protecting the United States from a smoldering, irradiated death. This flick is fun for the whole family!!
Wilderness conservationist William Woodrow is deforestation’s number one opponent. One night, a corrupt logging official (played by Willem Dafoe) surrounds Woodrow’s tent with salmon causing the conservationist to be attacked and eaten by a giant Kodiak. Now trapped in the bear’s stomach, Woodrow teams up with a few other devoured detainees (as well as a precocious raccoon). Together they must find a way out before the forest is ripped from the face of the Earth.
Mr. Seagal, we salute thee.