18 Absurdities of the Macy’s Parade

Monday, December 1 by

Watching the Pre-Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Broadway Dancetacular, something occurred to me. If you take the amount of musical theatre performers in the US, multiply it by their salary, add that to whatever production costs that are involved, and divide that by the total number of Gays and Old People in the US, the numbers just don’t work out. Musical theatre, like parades with giant balloons, are absurd american traditions. So in line with this idea, here are a few of the more absurd moments from the most recent Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, in pictures. Some of them involve dancing.

1. The Ronald McDonald Balloon. It takes 58 handlers to run. That’s amazing, because it only takes two blazed teenagers and an immigrant to run a McDonalds store.

2. The performance by Andy Williams. He only required 17 handlers with strings, 16 Vicodin, 18 Aderall, and a syringe of human growth hormone to keep him afloat.

3. James Taylor. He was dressed like a German law professor playing America the Beautiful from an Ocean Spray float, surrounded by giant woodland creatures.

4. The All Star Baton Twirlers. They are the BEST baton twirlers in the world. Right after the 3 million people in China that are WAY better than them.

5. Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter singing.  How did she come out of his nuts?

6. The Polynesian Dance Squad. In 1821 we invaded Hawaii. It was the first sovereign country the US conquered.  Now they’re dancing for their lunch in front of our department stores in the cold.

7. The “Dora the bilingual Latina adventurer” balloon.  Where I’m from that’s called a Mexican street kid. Would have been WAY better if she was selling Chiclets and picking pockets of other balloons.

8. Sesame Street was allowed off the reservation. Sort of. It was more like a giant multicultural Pope Mobile for Bert and Ernie.

9. The Planters Peanut Man driving the Nut Mobile.  We were given the accompanying fact that Americans consume more than 600 million pounds of nuts per year. Ironically, the Nut Mobile is shaped like a penis.

10. The Official Macy’s classic river boat float. It had an add for Good Housekeeping Magazine, which is celebrating its 100th Anniversary.  Most girls I know cant figure out how to boil water, much less keep a good house. With a magazine closing shop every 13 seconds, I’m not sure how this one is still alive.

11. Trace Adkins and his family on the Jimmy Dean Sausage float. They were dressed for the Funeral of Jesse James, who was assassinated by the coward Robert Ford.

12. The United States Postal Service float. It has a gigantic Golden Eagle. It looks like Hitler got a hold of our mail system.


13. The Delta Airlines float. It had a giant, cross-eyed Lady Liberty that looks like Julia Louis Dreyfus.

14. The stockbrokers dance squad.  They marched all the way to the Triboro bridge and only to dive off into an oblivion where there are no failed hedgefunds and no tanking S&P 500’s but only rainbows and unicorns and Brook Brothers and blow.

15. The Build a Bear float. It’s a giant ad for a store that is training children to become genetic engineers so that we can build subsequent versions of the Jonas Brothers.

16. The “Hootie now sings country music” float. I think it was for Gibson guitars. Wait, Hootie is still alive?

17. The float where Kermit sang about how he actually believes in Santa Claus. What?  Kermit, bro, I hate to break it to you, but that there is no Santa. Crazy talking frog.

18. The final Santa Claus float. It takes the rear of the parade. Post-Barak Obama election racial healing my ass. Santa Claus is still a fat white cracker. 

Happy Holidays. MAX POWERS



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