Admit it. There are times in the back of your mind when you want the good guy to lose. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes the star is a just a gigantic wuss who deserves total failure. Here are some that we believe are worth mentioning.
16. Special Agent Starling vs. Hannibal Lecter
Eat people, listen to classical music break
out of prison. Repeat. And he killed the principal from Boston Public
(everybody wanted to do it; he got there first). Special Agent Starling just ran around and tried to get people out of basement dungeons. Nice work, but there’s no money in it. Plus, I tried Chianti with fava beans. It’s pretty kick ass.
15. Llewelyn Moss vs. Anton Chigurh
Try this just once for a job interview. Before you’re called int the office
, just fire blast off the doorknob with a CO2 tank. Walk in slowly. Don’t look anyone in the eye. Then flip a coin and say call it. (Remember to include the bolt gun thing on your resume. That’s as big a deal at knowing
14. Dreaming Children vs. Freddy Krueger
So far, killing teenagers is still a crime. But until the Supreme Court comes around, one can dream.
13. Dorothy vs. The Wicked Witch of the West
She had green skin. She worked with flying monkeys. She crushed bitches with houses. How hardcore was that? Also, she’s sort of dominatrix hot (stockings, black hair, strict). The heroine, Dorothy, I can take or leave. It’s really just he glee
12. Bud Fox vs. Gordon Gekko
Mergers & acquisitions, murders & executions. Greed is good. Hair gel and red suspenders are even better. Way to fuck the little guy, Gordo. Plus, he slaps around Charlie Sheen. That guy has it coming.
11. Detective Nick Curran vs. Catherine Trammel
Awesome bad guy one day, total wuss the next. Yeah, I didn’t care who won in this movie. When dyed-blonde bi-curious femme fatales go on a murderous bone-a-thon, everybody wins.
10. Dave Kujan vs. Verbal Kint
Take the best lie you ever told a cop in high school
. Now multiply it by 40, walk with a limp, and get away with murder. Sorry Chazz Palminteri, Keyser Soze just got out of jail free. If you run, you can still catch him. Try your mom’s.
9. Richard Dreyfuss vs. Jaws
Ehh. The shark was ok. This is more about Richard Dreyfuss. Fuck that guy.
8. Daniel-San vs. Cobra Kai
They drank hard, picked on weaklings, did blow, and rode matching scooters. Sorry Daniel-san. We gotta sweep the leg on this vote. No mercy.
7. Jack & Rose vs. Iceberg
Cold, hard, and in control. After 2.5 hours, who wouldn’t want to kill DiCaprio and Kate Winslet? Come on. When everyone in the audience started sobbing, you went back for more Sour Patch Kids. Admit it. That iceberg did us all a favor.
6. Juno vs. Society
Jesus. That bitch was quirky times three and annoying times ten. Sorry. Maybe I missed the point of this movie. But it was a long, drawn-out cage fight, and you just wanted the conservatives to win.
5. Billy Costigan vs. Frank Costello
Sure, he dressed like your grandparents (heavy Dockers, golf hat), but he lived like a king and freaked guys out with giant fake dildos. Who knew opera and hookers went together so well?
4. Bambi vs. Bambi’s Parents
Just checking. I threw this in there to clear the palate, like a sorbet at a fancy meal. If you laughed out loud, you’re a terrible person and you’ll make a bad father.
3. Batman vs. the Joker
Dressed well, had ADD, and reminded you of the jittery kid in shop class. You know, the one who talked to saws (he wore purple shirts, picked his teeth with knives, and even the bullies kept their distance). Batman? Kind of a wanker. Moralizing, worrying, thinking out loud. Take away the Batmobile and he’s just Hamlet with ripped abs.
2. Terminator vs. T-1000
Robert Patrick was liquid metal. He stabbed people with sword-arms, impersonated cops (like your cousin Sully) and left the party just in time by rocking out in molten steel. I think he drove a truck into the LA River. Only he didn’t get caught (like your cousin Sully). Yeah, Schwarzenegger’s cool, but can the Governor of California take six shotgun blasts and keep working? Hmm. Actually, somebody Google this. *Plus, Sarah Connor wouldn’t stop lecturing people about the machines, the machines. Lady, we get it. We’ve all been caught in an elevator. Fuck the machines. Move on.
1. Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader
James Earl Jones had the voice and the helmet. If you disappointed him, he cut your hand off. If you ignored him, he blew up your planet. Way to flex nuts. Against that boyscout Luke Skywalker, this is no contest. Luke Skywalker chilled with robots, got beat up by Ewoks, and blew up the Death Star. That’s like blowing up a black Ferrari without bothering to drive
Phill Buster is a writer running from a past he can’t escape. He’s suing Lorezo Lamas’ The Renegade for rights to his own troubled past. He is authoring a poetry compilation: The Copy-Edited Works of E.E. Cummings.
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