16 Bad Guys We'd Rather See Win

POSTED BY Max Powers | THURSDAY OCTOBER 30 AT 10:03 PDT 
Admit it. There are times in the back of your mind when you want the good guy to lose. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes the star is a just a gigantic wuss who deserves total failure. Here are some that we believe are worth mentioning.
 

16. Special Agent Starling vs. Hannibal Lecter 

Eat people, listen to classical music, break out of prison. Repeat. And he killed the principal from Boston Public (everybody wanted to do it; he got there first). Special Agent Starling just ran around and tried to get people out of basement dungeons. Nice work, but there’s no money in it. Plus, I tried Chianti with fava beans. It’s pretty kick ass.
 

15. Llewelyn Moss vs. Anton Chigurh

Try this just once for a job interview. Before you’re called into the office, just fire blast off the doorknob with a CO2 tank. Walk in slowly. Don’t look anyone in the eye. Then flip a coin and say call it.  (Remember to include the bolt gun thing on your resume. That’s as big a deal as knowing Javascript).
 

14. Dreaming Children vs. Freddy Krueger

So far, killing teenagers is still a crime. But until the Supreme Court comes around, one can dream.
 

13. Dorothy vs. The Wicked Witch of the West

She had green skin. She worked with flying monkeys. She crushed bitches with houses. How hardcore was that? Also, she's sort of dominatrix hot (stockings, black hair, strict). The heroine, Dorothy, I can take or leave. It’s really just her glee club friends.
 

12. Bud Fox vs. Gordon Gekko

Mergers & acquisitions, murders & executions. Greed is good. Hair gel and red suspenders are even better. Way to fuck the little guy, Gordo. Plus, he slaps around Charlie Sheen. That guy has it coming.
 

11. Detective Nick Curran vs. Catherine Trammel

Awesome bad guy one day, total wuss the next. Yeah, I didn’t care who won in this movie. When dyed-blonde bi-curious femme fatales go on a murderous bone-a-thon, everybody wins.

10. Dave Kujan vs. Verbal Kint

Take the best lie you ever told a cop in high school. Now multiply it by 40, walk with a limp, and get away with murder. Sorry Chazz Palminteri, Keyser Soze just got out of jail free. If you run, you can still catch him. Try your mom’s.
 

9. Richard Dreyfuss vs. Jaws

Ehh. The shark was ok. This is more about Richard Dreyfuss. Fuck that guy.
 
 

8. Daniel-San vs. Cobra Kai

They drank hard, picked on weaklings, did blow, and rode matching scooters. Sorry Daniel-san. We gotta sweep the leg on this vote. No mercy.
 

7. Jack & Rose vs. Iceberg

Cold, hard, and in control. After 2.5 hours, who wouldn’t want to kill DiCaprio and Kate Winslet? Come on. When everyone in the audience started sobbing, you went back for more Sour Patch Kids. Admit it. That iceberg did us all a favor.
 

6. Juno vs. Society

Jesus. That bitch was quirky times three and annoying times ten. Sorry. Maybe I missed the point of this movie. But it was a long, drawn-out cage fight, and you just wanted the conservatives to win.
 

5. Billy Costigan vs. Frank Costello

Sure, he dressed like your grandparents (heavy Dockers, golf hat), but he lived like a king and freaked guys out with giant fake dildos. Who knew opera and hookers went together so well?
 

4. Bambi vs. Bambi's Parents

Just checking.  I threw this in there to clear the palate, like a sorbet at a fancy meal.  If you laughed out loud, you’re a terrible person and you’ll make a bad father.
 

3. Batman vs. the Joker

Dressed well, had ADD, and reminded you of the jittery kid in shop class. You know, the one who talked to saws (he wore purple shirts, picked his teeth with knives, and even the bullies kept their distance). Batman? Kind of a wanker. Moralizing, worrying, thinking out loud. Take away the Batmobile and he’s just Hamlet with ripped abs.
 

2. Terminator vs. T-1000

Robert Patrick was liquid metal. He stabbed people with sword-arms, impersonated cops (like your cousin Sully) and left the party just in time by rocking out in molten steel. I think he drove a truck into the LA River. Only he didn’t get caught (like your cousin Sully). Yeah, Schwarzenegger’s cool, but can the Governor of California take six shotgun blasts and keep working? Hmm. Actually, somebody Google this. *Plus, Sarah Connor wouldn't stop lecturing people about the machines, the machines. Lady, we get it. We've all been caught in an elevator. Fuck the machines. Move on.
 

1. Luke Skywalker vs. Darth Vader

James Earl Jones had the voice and the helmet. If you disappointed him, he cut your hand off. If you ignored him, he blew up your planet. Way to flex nuts. Against that boyscout Luke Skywalker, this is no contest. Luke Skywalker chilled with robots, got beat up by Ewoks, and blew up the Death Star. That’s like blowing up a black Ferrari without bothering to drive it.
 
Phill Buster is a writer running from a past he can't escape. He's suing Lorezo Lamas' The Renegade for rights to his own troubled past.  He is authoring a poetry compilation:  The Copy-Edited Works of E.E. Cummings.
 
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#4, wouldn't the hunters be the bad guys rather than Bambi's parents?

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 3:24 PDT 

'The Copy-Edited Works of E.E. Cummings.' Now that's humor.

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 3:30 PDT 

Bullshit dude. Arnold was way more of a badass than the T2000. FAIL

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 3:35 PDT 

josh brolin was still pretty badass-btw luke is such a pussy!

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 3:44 PDT 

i hate dick dreyfuss too! i'd like to see jaws jump out of the water while at mr holland opus and bite his head off, but then his body is like still conducting and stuff but everyone is screaming- i love halloween

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 3:49 PDT 

what about sauran over frodo in lotr? frodo was pretty effin lame. sauran had like mad evil skills-and i wanted to totally thought frodo wasnt going to make it

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 3:59 PDT 

So who's going to be joker for Halloween today?

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 4:14 PDT 

im gonna deliver a swift punch to the nuts to whoever is joker, respect the joker people, dont ruin it, please dont ruin it-be sarah palin or something

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 4:24 PDT 

I went to every damn special needs school in this town and could not find a Trig costume for the life of me.

POSTED BY Max Powers | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 5:00 PDT 

Agent Smith over Neo

or any bad guy over Keanu Reeves in his film, with the exception of Bill and Ted.

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 5:09 PDT 

What's a fake dildo?

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 5:50 PDT 

fake dildo ain't what your mom haz

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 5:59 PDT 

Wow this was one of the worst lists ever posted on the inter-net. Seriously the most unfunny and unwitty things ever written as well.

Max, find a new hobby.

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 8:13 PDT 

Homeboy is rite. This list is really not funny and it's not witty @ all. Max, get a real job like with the goverment or at a restaurant. But you dont need 2 be writing ever again.

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 9:04 PDT 

I'm pretty sure the wicked witch didn't make that house fall on the other witch

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 9:22 PDT 

In the books Hannibal did when.

POSTED BY Anonymous | FRIDAY OCTOBER 31 AT 11:38 PDT 

I think its spelled win....not when....nice job.

http://thingsfatpeoplehate.wordpress.com/2008/11/01/product-review-jimmy...

POSTED BY Anonymous | SATURDAY NOVEMBER 1 AT 4:08 PDT 

Usually I delete it when people spam the board with links to their sites, but I seriously suggest that everyone go to what the above commenteur has posted and listen to the thing. Amazing. Max.

POSTED BY Max Powers | SATURDAY NOVEMBER 1 AT 6:36 PDT 

what a bullshiiit site man. did you people know they don't even give you your crappy prize after you win a contest. I read screenjunkies EVERY day because it is funny and informative. 

POSTED BY Anonymous | SUNDAY NOVEMBER 2 AT 9:12 PST