Jeff Goldblum is a weird dude. He has spent the last quarter-century playing a weird dude onscreen. At some point in his adolescence, he looked in the mirror had the realization that there was a real niche in being Hollywood’s preeminent Vulcan Gigolo Scientist/Christopher Walken soundalike who ends every other sentence on an existential question. Before Goldblum gets too serious in 2009’s Adam Resurrected, let’s take a look at a few of his quirkiest moments.
1. Wiggling His Ears Man, that is some talent. But seriously, watch it again and pay attention to his eyes. That’s focus.
2. Demonstrating the Self-Heimlich Maneuver When I was a small child, I choked on a stereo knob. Mother said I was turning blue until she judo-chopped me in the solar plexus. What does that story have to do with Jeff Goldblum? Nothing. I just want you to know that Mother hit me.
3. Endorsing A Snack From the mind of Seth MacFarlane, Jeff Goldblum’s Wafers are not too forward, mildly flavored, and suggestive. They are also a hit with the ladies, unlike those wussy Wheat Thins. Enjoy them with a girl named Brie.
4. Slurring About Pizza Goldblum was the spokesman for Apple that you didn’t want to strangle. Someone slowed down this ad and it sounds more like an evening with Jeff Goldschlager. Why when you’re this hammered does the conversation inevitably lead to pizza?
5. BONUS CLIP: Slurring About Internet The man has a good point. I’m buying all my friends The Internet for christmas.
6. Going From Gold To Blue From Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job. This clip shows Goldblum’s true passion for makeup and mime. And blue face paint and turtlenecks. Be sure to catch The Jeff GoldBluMan Group at your local amphitheater. Leave the drugs at home. Trust us.
7. Being A Badass From Deep Cover. When forcing a rat out of a moving limousine (while running from the cops) have Morpheu drive, shoot the rat in each hand and then in the ass, and have an original, badass line to yell from the car. A tried and true favorite is always “We will have barbeque jumbo shrimp, you motherfuck-er-err!”
8. Watching You Poop The Internet is a maze of back alleys and dark corners. One of these dark corners was (now-defunct) www.jeffgoldblumiswatchingyoupoop.com. This video is just about as strange as it gets.
9. Schooling Video Game Geeks Beating a video game feels pretty damn good – for about 30 seconds. When you complete The Lost World: Jurassic Park video game Jeff Goldblum tells you to step away from the controller and go get some ass. Ouch.
10 Fighting Aliens From The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.This sci-fi action comedy flick had Peter Weller (yes, Robocop) as the title character, Dr. Buckaroo Banzai. Goldblum played one of Banzai’s loyal assistants, Dr. Sidney Zweibel or “New Jersey”. Weller and Goldblum are in a jazz group called “The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra.” John Lithgow and Christopher Loyd. That’s basically the weird olympics.
11. Recounting His Experience As A 14 Year Old At A Whorehouse This is a pretty amazing story. He basically says that he was so into jerking off that he just needed to share the experience with someone. I never had that feeling. Let me clarify: I was REALLY into jerking off, but I didn’t need to let anyone else know.
12. Tripping While Driving If you’ve never seen Raines on NBC, you won’t. It was cancelled after just seven episodes. Goldblum played an LAPD detective who “sees dead people” and uses that original talent to solve crimes. Further proof that Goldblum doesn’t need drugs. Goldblum IS drugs.
13. Scatting All Over The Place In jazz, the term “scatting” means using your voice to improvise sounds and melodies. It’s also a casual way to say animal shit. This video shows that it can mean both things at once. (Skib-idee-doo-wop)
14. Dumping A Girl From The Fly. This scene from is simply masterful. Check out the detail on our man-sect Jeff! Kudos to the makeup department. For once, it doesn’t look Geena Davis is eating Baba Booey’s teeth.
15. Smelling Funny From The Jamie Kennedy Experiment. This is a long one, but damn entertaining, so it’s a good way to wrap this list up. In this prank, Jeff refers to himself in the third person, covers Rick James, spontaneously breaks into joyful tap dancing, and takes the piss out of male models. What is the fragrance of Goldblum? I would say Bug Spray and money.
Look for Jeff Goldblum in 2009 when he’ll replace Chris Noth on Law & Order: Criminal Intent. The show co-stars Vincent D’Onofrio and Eric Bogosian, two seriously weird-looking dudes. – By Buck Russell. Not weird at all, actually.
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