Not every commercial can come from the typewriter of Darren Stevens or the desk of Don Draper. Here is a cluster of shoddily made local commercials. I urge you, DO NOT get up for a beer. Do not even get up to piss. Just sit back and enjoy these words from the sponsors.
EYETECH PRODUCTIONS This is truly amazing. It’s a bad sign when an ad for the production company can also serve as the best reason for never, ever hiring said production company. Please note the quick cut to his feet at the 50 second mark.
MARTIN FINE FURNITURE "Billy, are you using your cowboy clothes this weekend? Because Grandma and I are making a commercial for the furniture store to put on the television. And could I also borrow clothes that Mexicans wear and your dad’s VHS camera? Thanks Billy."
MARTIN FINE FURNITURE REDUX "Billy, It’s grandpa again. The cowboy commercial went real swell. We sold a mattress to an Asian lady. Listen, doe’s that stripper girlfriend of yours still have all them dancing pirate costumes? We sure could use them. And the camcorder again."
MUSIC FUNERAL HOME A young woman sits beside a grim spectre of death and reminds her of the day that she lost the love of her life and then that her own death is imminent. Probably sometime next week. Could we try for Tuesday? Amanda doesn’t have soccer practice on Tuesdays. And then a baby-snatcher strikes! Did he just threaten that baby? I think he just threatened that baby.
KOFY TV 20 KOFY San Francisco takes a bold step in the ad game by advertising directly to dog-haters. Yes, the dog falls. Watch it again. Winners of the Michael Vick Award for Advertising Excellence.
SELECT DENTAL I think I know who does the spider killing in that house. But boy does her ‘husband’ have a pretty smile.
STAR IN MY CAR
The message here? Destroy your credit beyond repair at Star! Im not saying that these people are the reason for the crisis in the financial markets. But they definitely didn’t help. The sequel to this ad features a rap-off between the truck’s owner and the repo man.
1 800 VICTIM 2
This is terribly acted. I can’t tell if the girl in the car is pretending to be rear-ended (heh-heh) or pretending to be JFK. And I’m REALLY confused by the Law Van that’s driving around with Chainsaw behind the wheel. I’m assuming that he lives in it but is that where he also practices his law? Usually when you combine the words Van and Victim it involves some sort of rosy-cheeked adolescent boy, candy, and a white dude that is always referred to by his first, middle, and last name.
U.S. WINDOW FACTORY
This ad tells the story of a trade show model who trades her only child to Satan for a set of deluxe tilt n’ slide windows. Notice the evil fireman dragging the infant to the fiery bowels of Hell. Satan insists that His army dress like firemen and ONLY take babies from hot blondes. Hot trade show model blondes.
AD EXEC: What we would like to do is take the image of your proud people and stomp it to the ground with our muddy feet by perpetuating a lame, cartoonish, racist stereotype.
TAMALES OWNER: What was that? I wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes I drift off.
AD EXEC: I was saying that you’re in good hands.
TAMALES OWNER: Oh, okay. Great. Thank you so much.
AD EXEC: (whispers to self) Jenga.
Rainy days got ya down? A life of anonymous, loveless one-night stands got ya feeling all crumby? The life of a high-class streaker is a bleak and depressing one at best. Come into Coastal Tan and turn that whorish frown upside!
JESUS KILLS TH DEVIL
You gotta give it to the Christians for coming up with some pretty ingenious ways to make money. In this case, say that you killed the devil and charge $10 for a funeral service. The problem is that the production value is alway atrocious.
I may be reading between the lines here but I get the impression that there is a former Mrs. Miller in Massachusetts. This is funny as hell. I would love to see other ads done with such a straightforward approach.
“Hey, Welcome to Big Jake’s Pizza where we make you happier than a hog rolling in his own smelly shit. Here, we choose only the finest ingredients and fist-f*ck the dough to perfection. Look, I’m a big fat guy. I think I know a thing or two about pizza. So don’t be a dick. Just come on down to Big Jake’s. Located in the Ambersville Shopping Plaza next to Ambersville Dry Cleaners (aka those dumb shits who lost my favorite shirt). Exit 44-S off I-228, cocksucker."
What are some of your favorite local commercials? Leave them in the ‘Comments’ section below.
Matt Sears is a freelance writer living in New York City. You can read more of his work HERE.