13 Greatest Movie Quests For Tail

Friday, October 17 by

Since time immemorial, the Male Species has gone to heroic lengths in order to secure something as vital as air, food, water, and a good piece of tail.  For some, the quest has been of the mind and spirit. For others, it has taken them on a journey of immense distance and hardship.  Whatever the scenario, we salute such a valiant quest. Here are 13 of the best that show just how far some go to seal the deal.

 

13. Weird Science

It’s a quest of the mind, not one of geography. It is an adventure into the world of innovation, where two dweebs hack into a US Government super computer to create the perfect woman, a perfect woman who they can have sex with.  Of course, not everything goes to plan. That’s what happens in the movies.

 

12. Being John Malkovich

John Cusack travels through consciousness to nail Katherine Keener, using John Malkovich’s body. That, dear reader, is an amazing voyage. Please write us if you have done this.

11. The Princess Bride

The hero overcomes great distances, rodents of unusual size, paralysis, and torture just to get some mead on his staff from a girl named Buttercup. Twoooo Wubbbb is a Bitch. Extra points for Fred Savage.

 

10. Swingers

This journey is not a long one. But anyone who has made the drive from LA to Vegas knows it can be a bitch.  Which is why so many people drink and drive. Seriously, the median is just littered with empty cans of Coors Light.
 

9. The Trojan War


A horny teenager, played by the older brother from Boy Meets World finally gets the chance to get humpy with a girl he’s had a crush on forever, only to find out that he doesn’t have the proper coital prophylaxis. The journey to secure the goods includes dad’s car getting stolen and an ass beating. All worth it.


8. Amelie

I’m putting this in here to prove that there are sometimes when women undertake the special voyage. They have needs, just like us. Amelie’s journey takes her through the back allies and train stations of Paris as she seeks her one true love, who she totally nails at the end.

 

7. Forrest Gump


Homeboy’s had it BAD. He runs all the way across the United States, goes to Nam, starts a shrimping empire, meets the president. And all that shit really just to touch Jenny’s boobie.  That’s a level of determination you will NEVER know.

 

6. The Graduate


After drilling one of the most legendary MILF’s in movie history, Dustin Hoffman drives all the way from Pasadena to Santa Barbara to stake his claim to her daughter. Ok, not exactly a haul, but he does run the last few blocks. Extra points for making the journey in a convertible, AND pulling the near-impossible mother daughter switch.  It’s the stuff of legend.

 

5. Annie Hall


Woody Allen braves the dangers of harmful beta rays and the madness that is right-on-red to have some make up sex with Diane Keaton which totally does not work. We give it an E for Effort, and it really is one of the best serious comedy movies of all time.

 

4. The Sure Thing


John Cusack again. This time he drives across the country to nail a girl that his friend promises is a total slut bag.  BUT, he undertakes the voyage with a girl who has a hair lodged up her ass, and hilarious tension ensues.  Extra points for going coast to coast just to get some tail.

 

3. Superbad


Sometimes a magical journey of awesomeness does not have to extend beyond the boundaries of your hometown.  And sometimes you’re not going to make it through the ringer without a little period stain on your thigh.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this movie re-defined the genre.

 

2. Sex Drive


This one is shaping up to be one of the best journeys in Get Laid Cinema of all time. It has everything, including hot sex with Amish girls and a “Rolling Brownout.” Extra points for stealing the GTO and staying the course, and getting the girl in the end.

1. O Brother, Where Art Thou?


Made to mirror the heroic quest of Odysseus himself, this is really a movie about George Clooney trying to get his wife back to the proverbial Marital Chamber. He avoids the sirens, a crazed bank robber, a Cyclops, and even a trigger happy youngster along the way. It makes the number one spot because of the sheer enormity of the quest.

 

Now go forth young squire. And get some action.

 

 

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