13 Dead Actresses We Would Have Boned

Friday, October 24 by

Halloween is almost here. It is the time of year where we honor the memory of the dead and the things they have given us by dressing up like slutty pirates and asking our neighbors to give us snacks. So we thought what better time to list the thirteen of the hottest pieces of Hollywood tail that have passed to the land beyond. God rest their immortal bods. I mean souls.

13. Cyd Charisse


The gams on this broad beat out even the likes of Heidi Klum when they were awarded the 2001 Guinness Book of World Records award for "Most Valuable Legs". Famous for being Gene Kelly’s boner-bait dance partner in the final scene of Singin‘ in the Rain (Remember? The one that made you turn to your friend at the end of film class back in 2004 and say "Dude, am I shrooming?"), Charisse passed away early in the summer of 2008.

12. Judy Garland

Though she may be responsible for spawning one of the most infamously creepy pop-culture icons in history, Judy Garland is somewhat of a legend in our books as well. She can sing, she’s got the face of an angel, she was known for rocking serious bling and most importantly: bitch could party.  Even putting up with her lap dog would be worth it for the chance to get some alone time with the original Dorothy in her heyday.

11. Bette Davis

You’ve more likely chugged Jagermeister off an ice luge to a song about a girl with eyes like hers than actuall taken the time to get a load of the elegant Bette Davis. It’s fine, we get it: She freaked us out in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane too. The takeaway there is that she can commit, thus making her what us thugs affectionately refer to as a ride-or-die bitch. Who doesn’t want to get down with that?

10. Anna Nicole Smith

It seems like only yesterday that we heard the news of the passing of our favorite chicken-serving stripper turned American Princess. Although she was known later in life for her trashtastic reality TV exploits and alleged pill-popping (Trim Spa, of course!), Smith was known early in her career for being one of the most smoldering jeans models since Brooke Shields and her Calvins. Yeah, we’d get it on with Anna… even if we spent the whole time trying to think about anything but J. Howard Marshall. Please God, help us think of anything but J. Howard Marshall right now.

9. Lindsay Lohan

If the sensational Ann Margaret wasn’t still alive and kickin‘ we’d have to give her props, but since she’s still here with us, we’ll have to throw a bone to everyone’s #2, Lindsay Lohan. Lohan, who spent her final months camped out in a trailer parked alone Malibu’s shore with celebrity DJ Samantha Ronso– Oh, wait. What? She’s… she’s not dead? Well, if she’s not dead, then where has she been? I haven’t seen her come out with a movie or a rap album or a fragrance since at least 2006. You swear to God she’s not dead? Fine.


8. Lana Turner

Believe it or not, when you and your 7th grade pals referred to the cute girl in math class with overdeveloped breasts as "The Sweater Girl" due to a poorly-placed series of Scottie dogs, you weren’t that unique. In fact, years before you ever saw the light of day, one Miss Julia Jean Mildred Francis Turner aka Lana was branded with that very nickname for her particularly form-fitting get up in the film They Won’t Forget. The title seems fitting, as the only thing we forgot was a binder to cover up any offending boners as we make our way to second period Bio.

7. Aaliyah

Though she was best known for her singing, most notably the "sweating all over this girl Janice from your Communications class, all hopped up on Sparks and dining hall pizza" dance jam "Are You That Somebody?", Aaliyah had started a promising career in acting for herself with roles in Romeo Must Die and Queen of the Dammed. Even more promising? That this chick supposedly married R. Kelly illegally when she was fifteen, so you know she’s seen some crazy stuff. Namely, R.Kelly naked. (Note to Mr. Kelly: These are just jokes. RIP Aaliyah. We’re all friends here. Please don’t have us killed. KTHXBAI.

6. Katherine Hepburn

If things ever got serious between you and Katherine Hepburn, she’d insist on wearing the (literal) pants, but she’s just the kind of lady we’d surrender control to. Smart, powerful and gorgeous, Katherine was named by the AFI as the most greatest female star in the history of American cinema. Her resume alone would embarrass your boner. In terms of grade-A foxes, the package doesn’t get more complete than Katie.

5. Mae West

This mouthy glamorpuss is the kind of lady we’d imagine wake up next to, tied to our bed in nothing but a pair of silky women’s underthings and a bow tie fashioned from a spare tire. In fact, she’d probably be in to that. The ever-quotable West was hard to tie down herself, and despite being quite open about her promiscuous ways, she was only hitched once and later said of the experience, "Marriage is a great institution. I’m not ready for an institution." A freak in the sheets and a commitment-phobe? Sign us up!

4. Katie Holmes

Never mind. We have just been informed that being dead inside doesn’t count.

3. Grace Kelly

It’s hard to believe that Kelly, who was both real-live royalty and cool enough to hang with Hitchcock doesn’t top our list, but she sure comes close. Playing leading lady for the likes of Jimmy Stewart and Marlon Brando on screen in some of the greatest films of all time, Kelly grabbed the eye of Prince Rainier III of Monoco at the Cannes Film Festival in 1955 and married him within a year. Pro: Though less dangerously exciting than most on the list, she’s the kind of girl you could take home to mom. Con: You’re mom doesn’t live in a castle. Maybe there’s a children’s birthday party in your housing development that has one of the bouncy versions, but that’s really a stretch compared to your competition. Additional pro: your competition is also dead. FINAL SCORE: YOU, FTW.

2. Audrey Hepburn

Listen up Natalie Portman fans: here’s your real imaginary girlfriend. Audrey Hepburn was the orignal doe-eyed and slightly elfin lookinsilverscreen starlet, except she didn’t put you through the torture of dating questionably talented hairy dudes who are undeniably not on her level of babitude (We’re looking at you, Banhart.) The point is that men and women alike are still drawn to Hepburn, who was most famous for her role as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Yeah, sure. Tiffanys, International House of Pancakes, that other place where they serve Moons Over My Hammy– as long as we’re buying her breakfast, right guys!? (Get it? Because we slept with her?!? Rim shot!)

1. Marilyn Monroe

The iconiest of all icons, Marilyn Monroe, has to top our list of shag-worthy dead babes if not just for her looks, but because we wouldn’t mind being counted on a list of other men she bedded, which includes JFK and baseball great Joe DiMaggio. Fact is, Marilyn is first class all the way. Top shelf, if you will. She’s the Dom Perignon of dead actresses worth taking to bed, that’s for sure.

Happy Halloween, From Screenjunkies.com

Read more by Molls at her blog.

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  4. October 24, 2008 9:10 am


    What about Brienne Cross? Damn, she was hot! Just on the cusp of making it when she was killed.

  5. October 24, 2008 9:10 am


    What about Brienne Cross? Damn, she was hot! Just on the cusp of making it when she was killed.

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