Wednesday, March 4 by

With Joaquin Phoenix pursuing a mushroom-induced musical career, we thought that we would take a moment to point out the misstep taken by those before him. These vanity projects should serve as a warning to any actor who has rock and roll dreams to stick with their dayjob. And a reminder to all of us that fame makes people crazy.

DOGSTAR – KEANU REEVES Dogstar epitomizes what goes wrong when a celebrity joins a band. It can be impossible for the band to stand on its own merits when there is an international superstar diddling around on the bass. Of course the band would probably be more successful if they didn’t sound like a cross between Candlebox and stomach flu. The outfit is now defunct due to Keanu’s workload. He decided that he would rather stand in front of a blue-screen than next to these guys.

STEVEN SEAGAL This video is amazing. It’s the first single off the album ‘Songs From The Crystal Cave’ and features many of the things that make Steven Seagal movies so endearing; sloppy martial arts, spirituality, Asian stuff, and love interests that keep reminding themselves that they really need the money. I think a funny trick to pull would be to get your lady all in the mood and then put on this sweet, smooth sexxin’ jam. Then watch her lose all interest as she realizes to whom she is listening. Do this. Tonight.


Do you think Will Smith rolls his eyes when Jada discusses her music? I bet that he rolls his eyes when she discusses her music.

EDDIE MURPHY There’s so much going on here that is just plain messed up. From Michael Jackson sneaking up on Eddie via teleportation (if he ever actually harnesses that ability, we’re all screwed) to shady lyrics like “Let’s Jackie Chan it up”, this has turd written all over it. I’ve got to admit though I’m not sure that this is even a music video. It could just as easily be a documentary about that time that Eddie Murphy drank all that Jesus Juice.

JOHN CENA I’ve gotta admit that I actually like this. The lyrics are solid and the premise is pulled off in a quasi-funny way. Wigs on top of other wigs, people, I’m that easy. Plus, it keeps Gary Coleman working. Any project that keeps Gary Coleman from being drunkenly tossed across the room at a bachelor party is a project that I can stand behind.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT In this song, Jennifer Love Hewitt asks the hard question, How do I deal? I feel for her. Living your young life in the Hollywood machine must be harrowing. All these people expecting so much of you before you really even know who you are or what it is that you want. Evidently the best way to work through that kind of depression is to get rid of any shred of your pride and let your manager convince you to make a music video which trips over itself in an attempt to sell your current crappy movie. Duh.

THE BACO BROTHERS – KEVIN BACON I cant tell what’s more bizzare. The fact that Kevin Bacon would chose to play songs that are this lame or the fact that a fan would take the time to make this bafflingly hilarious Youtube slideshow thing. It just such a massive feat of wasted time on everybody’s part, including yours.

OZONO – MALIN AKERMAN Watchmen’s Malin Akerman teams up with a bunch of chodes for this Evanescence-inspired romp. I’m not going out on a limb here by assuming that the lyrics came from a poetry journal discovered in a Hot Topic lost and found. How do videos like this get made? It looks like some L.A. cokehead was only interested in messing around with Final Cut Pro filters. I guess I just answered my own question.

DON JOHNSON In this video, Don Johnson stars as a horny cameraman who throws the kid from Slumdog Millionaire over a wall. He just picks him up and tosses him one-handed. It seems harsh but, hey, that’s what he gets for messing up the stitching on Don Johnson’s soccer ball.

COREY FELDMAN Since he’s asking for honesty, I’ll go ahead and say it. Corey Feldman is about as cool as a Cambodian transfer student. No. I take that back. Corey Feldman is less cool than a Cambodian transfer student. This video is infuriating.

MODERN WEST – KEVIN COSTNER The crowning moment of this video comes around 48 seconds when Costner…wait for it…TURNS HIS HAT BACKWARDS. Honestly, there’s nothing really wrong with this video or song other than the fact that it’s modern country. It’s no better or worse than anything Toby Keith has ever put his name on, and it fits well with the NASCAR crowd. And if you are a fan of NASCAR crowd, and I have offended you, then please enjoy this new website as a peace offering.

CARL LEWISOh dear. It’s okay to be afraid of this. But just know that you will never out-jump your fear. Carl Lewis brings the crazy in this plea for World Peace that is 50% workout video, 50% long jump highlights and 100% “Say Whaaaaatttttt????” Much like surviving the night in a haunted house will earn you the luxurious prize of one million dollars, surviving the first two minutes of this video will earn you a similarly fantastic payoff… elder-porn. Consider yourselves warned.

As usual, if we’ve missed something, let us know below.

Matt Sears is a freelance writer living in New York City. He is a regular contributor to Screenjunkies.

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