11 Totally Awfulsome Movies
We all have them: Our favorite worst movies. Whether due to poor acting, writing, production value or all of the above, there are some gorgeously entertaining cinematic turds that we just can’t flush out of our hearts. Here are some of the most awfulsome movies ever made.
11. Double Team
It’s a risky move to Google-search “dennis+rodman+double+team”. But with SafeSearch turned on, it leads to this trailer for Double Team. Jean Claude Van Damme stars as a guy paid to kick people alongside Dennis Rodman who plays a humble, polite gentleman who never blows shit up (note to self: fact check this). Together they must stop Mickey Rourke from strutting away from explosions in slow-motion. This movie features Van Damme cliff-diving through lasers, dry humping a bathtub, stumbling through basketball puns and he eve fighting a tiger. I repeat. JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME FIGHTS A TIGER. How is that not awesome?
10. Stroker Ace
Three Doors Down aren’t the only celebrity NASCAR fans, and Burt Reynolds proves that with 1983’s Stroker Ace. This has got to be the slowest movie about racecars in history. It’s equal-parts Hee-Haw and Even More Hee-Haw, was somehow based on a book, and is somehow totally entertaining. Stroker is a popular racecar driver who must find a way out of his lame endorsement deal. It all boils down to the last pulse-pounding moments as Stroker... I dunno, he wins a race or some shit. FUN FACT: Charlie Daniels provided the theme song for the “film” and rumor has it that he used the money-earned to buy the world’s larges fringe jacket:
9. Secret Agent 00 Soul
Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee! Billy Dee Williams stars in this attempted spoof of James Bond films which somehow detours way off-track, landing Lando in a house haunted by rapping mummies. “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Agent Soul. I expect you to beatbox...for these mummies.” How many other films have rhyming mummies? None.
8. Chopping Mall
Sex-loving teens get robo-fragged after breaking into the mall for the wildest party of their lives. ‘Party City’ is just a name of a store, you guys. If you weren’t so literal, you might still have a head. Please note the end of the trailer, where two featured extras pretty much quit on camera. The one gets awesome points for using the term 'robot blood.'
Featuring characters such as Purity Busch, Melvin Jerkovski, Howie Bates and Bootsie Goodhead this movie really tried to cash in on the sex romp craze. With dialogue like, “Now you can jerk off all you want Jerkovski,” I don’t know how it didn’t take home a golden statue. A golden statue shaped like a giant steaming turd. As giant, steaming golden entertaining turd.
6. Death Wish 3
I don’t know when psychotic violence gangs stopped wearing grease paint but it’s a trend I’d really like to see reemerge. I’d also like to see Charles Bronson square-off against today’s movie tough guys. I like to watch creepy, old men get knocked down a lot. That's what the internet is basically all about. Charles Bronson. You will be missed.
5. Under The Tuscan Sun
BBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I just got a shiver like somebody walked on my grave. Not awesomely bad. Just bad.
4. Man's Best Friend
Man’s Best Friend is a sci-fi/horror film about a scientist (Lance Henriksen) who loses his puppy-wuppy. The canine is actually a top-secret genetically-enhanced killing machine because, yeah, I guess we need those. The movie’s taglines are: "He bit the hand that fed him...and then he ate the rest." And "His bark isn’t half as bad as his bite." Here is one of the many awfulsomely gruesome scenes from the film. It just about takes your breath away.
3. Plan 9 From Outer Space
Voted the worst movie of all time Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space is classically bad. In an attempt to take over earth, outer space sends Dracula, his wife, and a fat zombie to enslave mankind. That was their NINTH plan? Really? What were Plans 1-8? Asking nicely? It's really required viewing in cinema of the ab-turd.
2. Troll 2
Filmed on toilet paper with a budget of $0.92 and featuring creatures designed by a porn actress, Troll 2 is rapidly becoming the King of Camp Cinema. The plot is simple. Goblins (there are no trolls in this movie) who only eat plants intend to turn people into plants so that they can eat them because apparently the plants that already exist just aren’t good enough. It’s up to a young boy and his grandpa’s ghost to save the day. You will laugh your way through this one.
1. The Room
I'd love to bestow Troll 2 with the mantle of Most Awesomful Movie but that distinction has to go to The Room. The ultimate vanity project, Tommy Wiseau directs Tommy Wiseau in a film written by Tommy Wiseau about the relationship issues of a dead-eyed Frankenstein. The production value is baffling and the performances are unintentionally hilarious. After initial audience reactions of "This is the funniest shizz ever" and "Bro serriously, you gotta go see this pile" Wiseau began billing the film as a 'quirky, black comedy.' Filmed over 8 months (!), the production went through at least four crews and a $6 million budget. Confused by the differences between 35mm film and HD video, Wiseau decided to shoot the film simultaneously on both with a rig that mounted both cameras on one head. If only it were also shot on IMAX, that way we could surround ourselves with terrible. Midnight screenings are held monthly in Los Angeles and attended by a hundred or so fans that herald this as a modern Rocky Horror Picture Show. And I can see why. I've been quoting this movie every chance I get. Don't believe me? Ask my girlfriend. She's the annoyed girl over there rolling her eyes. Hi sweetie! Here's some supporting proof in the form of a remix. This one hurts SOOO GOOD.
MATT SEARS is a free-lance writer living in New York City. You can read more of his stuff HERE.