11 Nude Scenes We Didn’t Need To See

Monday, November 10 by

There is good-naked, like a beautiful woman brushing her hair. And there is bad-naked, like Wilfred Brimley in his birthday suit working a belt sander. Here are a few of the most important moments in cinema that have brought bad-naked to your precious little burning eyeballs. Enjoy.   

 

Kathy Bates About Schmidt

They called her the unsinkable Molly Brown. In that hot-tub scene, I was praying that something would stop floating. It didn’t take an iceberg to sink the vessel in this one. Where’s the life boat? Or at least the fast forward button? Land ho.

William H. Macy, The Cooler. 


This was an emotional roller-coaster. First Alec Baldwin shows up (cool).  Later, ER‘s Maria Bello gets naked in bed (great). Then the camera pans up to show Maria holding something in her hand. Is it a fistful of white prunes? Perhaps a misshapen stress-ball? No, it’s Macy’s sack. Her hand blocks his Johnson, but the evil twins are staring down at you. It would have been gross enough at home, but in the theater those two pale orbs (like dusty plums) must have been three feet in diameter. Horrifying. I pined for Fargo. (Say Margie, you think people in the theaters are expecting  any +40 full frontal? Oh I don’t know there Jerry. But you can finish the Raisinettes. I’ll be in the lobby. You betcha").

Vincent Gallo, The Brown Bunny

Ignore the title–this film isn’t as Muppet friendly as it sounds. It was two hours of boring followed by a five-alarm BJ that woke the neighbors.   Chloe Sevigny really takes one for the team. And to his credit, Gallo brings more to this scene than just his acting chops. It was a real ‘extended take.’  It was too long for ‘domestic release.’ They needed the letterbox format for that ‘handheld shot.’ Seriously though, the acting is respectable. Though towards the end, Chloe really ‘chews the scenery.’

Dame Judi Dench, The Shining

That hallucination sex scene in The Shining, where Jack Nicholson makes out with a zombie? Don’t tell me it wasn’t her. I’d recognize that ass anywhere.

The Priest, Little Mermaid

If you haven’t YouTubed it, go now. Then listen to “Under The Sea,” and try to regain your innocence. It’s gone.

Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

Alright, he didn’t. But Empire was the darkest of the three original movies. The Degobah system is a lonely place for a young Jedi. I’m just saying.

Harvey Keitel, Bad Lieutenant

Keitel is the sleazy uncle every high schooler should have. He’s gruff in Reservoir Dogs and slithers through Taxi Driver as Jodie Foster’s pimp. But in Bad Lieutenant, he stretches his acting hat, smokes crack with a whores, then cries in front of a mirror.  Nude. It’s not how you want to remember Mr. White (although the name’s going to stick–zing).

Jessica Tandy, Camilla

I liked her in Driving Ms. Daisy. In fact, rent this movie sometime; Tandy won’t be hard to spot. She’s the rail-thin 70-year-old who keeps her clothes on for 120 minutes.

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead

OK. Best actor of his generation. But this was supposed to be a hot sex scene. Like watching a lithe, toned perfect 10 get mugged by a manatee. It’s like taking a $200 filet mignon—then gobbing on a big hunk of cheese. Then the cheese starts to sweat melt. Then it starts to make noises like the fat. Then you’re like “It’s not cheese, it’s the guy from MI-3. And now I’m giving my eyes to science.

Sylvester Stallone, The Specialist

Just because you did porn in the 70s, doesn’t mean you have to do it again. It’s called progress.

Marlon Brando, Last Tango in Paris

One minute you’re enjoying your popcorn. The next, Don Corleone is jamming butter in some girl’s ass. It was not a Land O’ Lakes moment. Trans-fatty acids in margarine may shorten your life. But so will 30 seconds of this scene.

Article by Special Nudity correspondent Phillip Buster

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