Dear Elizabeth. Here’s what you and Sarah Palin have in common: sexism got you where you are. You were chosen for your respective roles because you are pretty. I don’t see you showing up next to Barbara Walters makeup-less wearing a burlap sack and corn muffins for shoes. The fact that you are easy on the eyes is the number one reason that I’m making this list. The second reason is that you let crazy things come out of your mouth, also just like Palin. Love, Max. Ps, call Me.
Shaking That Ass For $50
I’ve paid 50 bux to have way less attractive women shake their butts in my face. But the the real question is How Does Star Jones Not Have An Ass? That’s like saying an archipelago doesn’t have islands. Let me explain that one. An archipelago is by definition a collection of small islands. And a fat woman always has a big ass. Get it? Good, moving on.
Eliciting A Response From Huckabeee’s Special Spot
Wait, Huckabee had a show? All you need to know about this is that homeboy is covering up a serious boner right now. Look at the way he’s sitting. That’s called the "Conservative Stiffy Hunch." Even before your political opinions had formed, you did a version of it in 8th grade whenever the girl with the overdeveloped rack looked at you during gym.
Talking Just To Talk
Hey, ok. Time out. Elizabeth, a quick reminder on how these shows are supposed to work. Pick a point and defend it. Don’t just yammer yammer yammer and hope that all the housewives watching at home nod out from their box Chardonnay and Vicoden breakfasts at just the right time and blame themselves for the fact that you don’t seem to be making a coherent point. Are we good, ok. Back on in 5, 4, 3….
Getting Snubed by Silverstone
You only need to watch the first thirty seconds where Silverstone walks past Hasselbeck like she’s big bucket of assholes. After that you can just mute the volume and play a favorite game of mine. It involves trying to jerk off when there is a hot guest on The View. I call it "La muñeca en la pila del perro." This literally translates to "The Doll in the Dogpile." Good luck, and let me know if you can best 13 minutes.
"Oh, her? I was WONDERING why Barbara brought The Help on stage! OMG! I was also confused why she was in a pumpernickel sandwich. Wait, is that racist? My grandfather use to say it. And I’m in pumpernickel sandwiches all the time. Some of my best friends are pumpernickel sandwiches. Let’s make up for it with a hug."
Catfighting With Mr. Rosie
The best part is when Elizabeth make that horrible noise that can only come from two cats beating the ever loving shit out of each other and then Rosie makes the exact same noise, but three octaves deeper. Who even knows what they’re arguing about.
Staying The Course On Palin’s Qualifications
I know, this argument is basically over. If you are a conservative and at any time suggested that Palin was even remotely ready to be the president of the United States, you are not allowed to have an opinion for the next six months. Go to time out. Feel how wrong you are. You will recognize it because It’s a similar feeling to your dad not ever coming to your birthday parties when you were a kid.
Parodizing The View
This isn’t particularly hilarious. But it is a dead-on impersonation of Hasselbeck’s voice and mannerisms. And crazyness.
Defending The Patriot Act
I can imagine that the turn-over rate for being the FBI dude who has to sit in a basement in Bethesda and listen to everything that Hasselbeck screeches into her bedazzled Treo with Kelly Clarkson ringtones is immense. There is probably a new guy every week. There are probably running craigslist ads to get people.