twilight

I'm a little late to the Twilight game on account of my testicles, so I'm sure they've explained how vampires can walk in the sunlight without spontaneously combusting. But how can a red-haired vampire walk in the daylight? Everyone knows that sunshine is the leading cause of death in gingers. That's why I've never understood casting David Caruso in CSI: Miami. They must spend half the production budget on sunblock and the other on The Who royalties.

What was this post about again? Oh yeah. Two super-powered, mumbly guys continue to fight over the tightest vagina in the Pacific Northwest while bombshell Ashley Greene somehow gets no attention. I understand that Twilight fans wish that they could be the Bella character so that the shirtless boys awkwardly pledge their love to them for a change. If that were the case, a more realistic line would be: “I’m gonna fight for you… until your heart stops beating... because of sleep apnea. Nice pit stains.”

Check out the trailer after the jump.

_{Pattinson always lets secrets slip when he's trippin' balls.}

Sharpen your razerblades all you emotionally fragile Twihards out there 'cause Kristen Stewart has officially stolen your man. Robert Pattinson confirmed that him and Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart have been dating for months but been keeping it a secret because they're frightened of girls cutting them open and parading around in their very own Edward and Bella suits. It was their wish to make their first public appearance as a couple at the BAFTA awards until they realized it's easier to be assassinated there.

In kind of similar news, the vampire couple is being praised for their pasty white skin. Due to their popularity, experts predict that they could help lower cancer rates among impressionable teens and Jersey Shore fanatics. Kids in the school yard will learn that it's cool to be transparent, like my old friend Billy Costigan. We'd strip him down and hold him directly in front of the sun so we could watch as his heart pumped blood throughout his entire body. Our recesses were unsupervised. (DailyMail, CinemaBlend)

No... No. NO. NO! NO!!!!!!! They've created half-man, half-pillow hybrid beasts called manllows! Even if you do want to rub your privates against Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner, these THINGS are just freakish versions of them. But I guess a freakish, stroke-victim-faced version is all some disillusioned girls need. (FilmDrunk)

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Director: Chris Weitz

Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner

Synopsis: The Twilight vampire Saga continues...

We here at Screen Junkies don't pretend to know a great deal about the Twilight Saga, but that doesn't mean we're not willing to learn. As outsiders, and men, sparkling vampires just don't seem like our cup of blood (see what I did there?), but we're willing to have a civil discussion in the comments section regarding the fervent passion some feel toward Bella and Edward.

Below is a featurette modeled after the reality show Meet the Kardashians except with nefarious vampires. You might have trouble discerning the difference at first, but you'll soon realize that Bruce Jenner deals with a breed of bloodsuckers far more depraved than the Volturi. 

The MTV Movie Awards aired last night and it was largely one big advertisement for Twilight and Transformers. However, nestled amongst the whoredom was a funny moment where Marshall Mathers got a mug full of man-ass thanks to Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno. I'm not sure if this was a set-up or not but it really does seem like Slim Shady was not looped in on the stunt. Check out the video over at /Film to draw your own conclusion.

And here's some more Hollywood happenings...

The Fallen revealed. (io9)

Anchorman 2 not happening yet. (HitFix)

Brittany Murphy grows increasingly irrelevant. (The Playlist)

Ghostbusters Is Hiring. (Sony)

Piranha behind the scenes pics are gory. (Dread Central)