Jersey Shore

_{Back to work, you rebel rousing scum.}

Yes, the Deepwater Horizon rig may finally be capped, but another oily disaster is now unfolding. The cast of Jersey Shore is threatening to strike.

TMZ is reporting that cast members are so disappointed with their season 3 contracts that they are refusing to shoot, as they feel they can making more money "doing appearances" than filming the series.

You know, back in the late 1800's, when a bunch of upstart "guidos" would try to unionize, the employer would hire some union busting thugs to go in and smash some heads. If MTV followed suit and made an example of The Situation by breaking his jaw in several places, I think the rest of the cast would fall in to line posthaste.

_{They're in Miami, bitch.}

The east coast was cold, making it impossible to cop a sweet tan, so MTV crated up the cast of "Jersey Shore" and shipped them to Miami for Season 2 of the decline of totally juiced western civilization. As you can probably guess, there's more drinking, scratching, narcissim, and unintelligible negative comments toward ego-threatening houseguests, all with a built in fish out of water hook. Cocaine sales in South Beach are about to skyrocket.

Check out the teaser after the jump...

_{The oil spill destroys yet another beach.}

In today's economy, job security is almost non-existent. This is even true for those of us who get paid to be a raging douche bag and/or herpes spreading skank.

TMZ is reporting that at least half the cast of "Jersey Shore" is facing the chopping block after MTV executives were "underwhelmed" by their performances this season. Obviously, this means there's been an overall decline in the number of teenage viewers renouncing Jesus Christ as their lord and savior, and someone at the network needs to be held accountable.

The cast members in question are Lenny, Squiggy, Amerigo and "The C-Word." (TMZ)

Those concerned that the second season of "Jersey Shore" will be a played out attempt by network execs to squeeze more money out of their runaway hit, can rest easy. The first ten minutes of the second season is now online, and we learn quickly that the cast reunite for reasons much more shallow than money. Namely, free tanning.

That's right. The combination of record snowfalls and Obama's 10% tax on tanning has sent the cast south to Miami for the winter. In this first glimpse, we find out what the newly-minted celebrities have been up to (banging), watch Paulie D and the Situation play with explosives, and Snooki take pickles to a whole 'nother, WHOLE 'NOTHER level.

THIS SEQUEL DEFINITELY WON'T SUCK. CHECK IT OUT AFTER THE JUMP...

_{Pauly D. looks as sober as a judge.}

BREAKING NEWS: Someone from the "Jersey Shore" cast is hitting the booger sugar. Radar is reporting that while filming the second season of the juiced, tanned, and greased show in Miami, one of the gang played in the snow. The identity of the culprit is being kept under wraps, but police are utilizing the tried and tested method of throwing rocks on South Beach and trying not to hit a cokehead. It's a numbers game at this point.

“Miami is obviously a big drug city,” one source told RadarOnline.com, “and when this cast member want (sic) to score, it wasn’t hard.”

Narc! Narc!

“Finding someone to buy drugs from in South Beach is as easy as asking for it,” the source said. “It’s not hard and everyone is discreet.”

Another Narc!

“A connection was made and that’s all it took,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “A lot of things were done in code. Other people knew about it but no one ratted out this person.”

I don't know about you guys, but I've had enough of these accusations. I'm going to go mow my mother's lawn. **Walk-runs into bathroom to flush stash**

New Orleans has been long considered the authority on good taste by the rest of the United States, so it should come as no surprise that the Big Easy is trying to stamp out Jersey Shore.

The New Orleans club Republic has posted a sign outside its door that disapproves of the "L" in GTL:

If it's on the Jersey Shore, it's not coming through the door. No Affliction. No Ed Hardy. No Christian Audigier. No Exceptions.

Apparently they're pissed about the Bar Refaeli thing too. But don't worry, outfits like this are still welcomed 100% in New Orleans.

(Fail Blog)

Let's pack it up, boys. No need to follow Bar Refaeli around town with our "seduction" kits any longer. We couldn't HAVE her before because leading man Leo DiCaprio is tappin' that ass (plus we're ugly), and now we don't WANT her because her vajayjay has touched the back of "The Situation's" self-tanner smeared neck.

The ab extraordinaire must have sold the remains of his soul to the Devil in exchange for the opportunity to hoist Refaeli up on his shoulders. The vomit-inducing act was apparently a legit photoshoot for Interview Magazine, but something tells me it was "The Situation's" idea. When I asked DiCaprio how he felt about his girlfriend's crotch on a guido's neck, he responded:

"Mama, I want hot dogs. I want hot dogs, Mama."  

I questioned a DVD of What's Eating Gilbert Grape. (TMZ)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but reality show Oompa Loompa, Snooki has selected a suitor to share her bed. The Jersey Shore Hobbit stepped out recently with Emilio Antonio and he is the juicehead of her dreams. She seems genuinely smitten. Belted in the face by love, if you will.

"He's actually a body builder and works at the gym," she said. "I am really excited to like show the public who he is."

And those hoping that their connection is merely intellectual and therefore vulnerable to temptation, I have worse news.

"He is freaking banging. We're the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that."

There you have it. Theirs is a love that will endure at least until Spring Break. Between this and the passing of Zelda Rubinstein, 2010 is shaping up to be a chaste year for pygmy-chasers. (NY Daily News)

_{"Yous is gonna have to bring up dis situation with mys attorneys."}

Another example of why the rest of the world hates America has been filed at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office today, and wouldn't you know it, it involves The Jersey Shore. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is so fond of his washboard abs that he's looking to get them trademarked. The application was filed by "The Situation's" older brother Marc "The Enabler" whose Las Vegas firm operates several porn websites. Of course that's what he does. OF COURSE.

Another application has been filed by a man named Matthew Hunter who would like permission to stamp the moniker on t-shirts, underwear, track suits, and vagabond children. I'd like to just shout out a big thank you to all who are trying their damndest to proliferate stupidity. It's my only hope that Snooki jumps on the bandwagon and trademarks her amorphous bodytype. There has to be a pasta sauce company out there that's willing to take a chance on pint-sized guido. (SmokingGun)  

File this one under: What Took So Long?

RadarOnline.com has discovered that nude photos of Jersey Shore's JWoww are being shopped around to media outlets. The photos show JWoww (aka Jenni Farley), and those silicon bulbs attached to her chest, posing topless with a small wrap around her bottom. The photographer made the strange choice of shooting the pictures with moody lighting against a brownish backdrop. I'd have assumed that the pics would be taken in front of an Italian flag or that rustic wallpaper they have up at Olive Garden. Guess she's saving that for her Hustler spread. (RadarOnline)