This is not an actual crime-scene photo, FYI.
Hooray For Hollywood: Severed Head Found Near Iconic Hollywood Sign
Wednesday, January 18 by

It’s too early to tell if the victim deserved it, so let’s stop the speculation right now, guys.

Honestly, I'd throw my support behind kicking toddlers if it meant I got the day off.
The 9 Highest-Grossing Movies Of All Time (Written Without Help From Wikipedia)
Wednesday, January 18 by

This list will prove just how capable we writers are without our precious “Wikipedia.”

The nation has been looking for a target for its collective loathing since Bin Laden was killed. Here she is.
The 7 Worst ‘SNL’ Musical Performances Of All Time
Tuesday, January 17 by

Welcome To The Club, Lana Del Rey…

You should see what the chicks at Whole Foods will do for flaxseed oil.
Hooray For Hollywood: Los Angeles Woman Arrested After Offering Sex For McNuggets
Tuesday, January 17 by

I wonder if she’s Super-sized?

All Kardashian bashing aside, they do have a really f*cking tasteful foyer.
Anderson Cooper Bans Kardashians From His New Talk Show
Friday, January 13 by

He should ban the real villain here, himself. Read on to figure out what the hell I’m talking about.

In Harlan, even the good guys aren't that great.
The Big Bads Of ‘Justified’
Friday, January 13 by

It’s a close-knit and folksy town full of violent felons.

"Who Wants To Breath Heavily While Watching TV?"
Paula Deen Has Type II Diabetes. Can You Pass The Butter?
Friday, January 13 by

It turns out that loading every meal with cream and salt might have negative health effects.

You hear that? That's the sound of 50,000 hipsters getting an erection because they just found the theme for their next barbecue.
CW Has A Clever Name For Its Dumb Musical Chairs Game Show
Friday, January 13 by

“Get ON your ass!” CW now owes me $10,000 because I just wrote this show’s tagline.

In the face of this allegation, I would just like to reiterate that I think the Kardashians all suck.
8 Movie And TV Children Who Are Bastards, Just Like Khloe Kardashian (Allegedly)
Thursday, January 12 by

This article would be in poor taste if it wasn’t a Kardashian we were talking about.

If anyone has a more recent photo, please email it to us.
Hulk Hogan To Shave His Mustache, But Not At All In Response To Those Gay Rumors
Thursday, January 12 by

If you eat his mustache trimmings, I’m assuming you become him?

Why hello there. Will Smith didn't hear you come in.
Will Smith To Host Kids’ Choice Awards. Also, News Is Really Slow Today.
Wednesday, January 11 by

Try to flex on him? Don’t be silly.

Hello, old friend.
‘Police Academy’ Reboot Will Be Helmed By A ‘Tosh.0′ Director
Tuesday, January 10 by

Now that this has been resolved, a nation can exhale and turn its focus to the presidential election.

There's not enough Dramamine in the world...
Kate Gosselin And 9 Other Gratuitous Celebrity Cruises
Tuesday, January 10 by

Tom Cruise is missing out on a very obvious and lucrative opportunity here.

Not pictured: the tater tots I was denied
Screen Junkies, Korean Christians Crash Napoleon Dynamite Day (Video)
Tuesday, January 10 by

Sure, a few things went wrong, but on the bright side, it gave the guy who played Pedro a reason to leave the house.

If she doesn't end up with Peeta when the dust settles, I swear to Christ, someone's gonna get skullf*cked.
Dork Out Hard By Buying Your ‘Hunger Games’ And ‘Dark Knight’ Tickets Months Early
Tuesday, January 10 by

The only downside is that if your pregnant wife gives birth those days, you’ll have a very unpleasant decision to make.

The fact that Kiefer Sutherland can only read digital watches is the worst-kept secret in Hollywood.
Dammit, Chloe: Kiefer Sutherland’s Finally Got That ’24′ Movie
Monday, January 9 by

There should only be time for 35-50 double agents in this abridged version.

If you live outside LA, this is a great opportunity to witness a collective of actors who have given up on their dreams.
Good News For Its 35 Fans: There Will Be A ‘Party Down’ Movie Shooting In 2012
Monday, January 9 by

This is great news to both the handful of people who actually watched the show and the millions of others who inexplicably mourned its cancellation.

He won't be smiling after this news. Wait. Is that a smile? What the hell is that?
Russell Brand Uninvited From People’s Choice Awards. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 9 by

Shame on you, People’s Choice Awards, for disinviting Brand. SHAME ON YOUR EYES!

Be-bop-boo-badda-bop.
The 12 Funniest Names In Hollywood
Monday, January 9 by

Whoever bet that “Randolph Mantooth” wouldn’t make the list…it’s time to pay the fiddler.

Unless his newsletter is about facial hair trends, I'm probably going to pass.
6 Of Jesse “The Body” Ventura’s Craziest Moments
Friday, January 6 by

If you bought a ticket on the “Straight Talk Express,” buckle up, because it just went off the rails.

This seemed like the right picture to use for this story.
David O. Russell Is In Trouble For Groping His Transgender Niece “Out Of Curiosity”
Friday, January 6 by

He Hearts Huckabees…And His Tranny Niece’s New Breasts

He looks like a f*cking 'Jetsons' character.
9 Reasons Kanye West Should Be The Creative Director Of The ‘Jetsons’ Movie
Thursday, January 5 by

The universe can’t just offer this, then take it away. This must happen.

I dare you to try to sever his neck tendons. Seriously. Try it.
Jeremy Renner Got In A Thai Bar Fight That Ended With Some Dude Getting Axed
Thursday, January 5 by

He probably snuck out and hid in his hurt locker.

She doesn't seem like that bad of a boss.
‘Horrible Bosses’ To Tie Up All Its Loose Ends With A Sequel
Thursday, January 5 by

Oh man, I bet these bosses are gonna be sooooooo bad! Let’s go get drunk, guys!

When would I eat The Donald? That's none of your damn business. This list is contestants only, weirdo.
The New ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Cast: Who Would I Eat First To Stay Alive?
Thursday, January 5 by

These are the most succulent contestants yet.

On an unrelated note, China's flight attendants are among the world's best-trained and deadliest.
China Found That 2/3 Of Their Shows Were Low-Brow, Cancelled Them All
Wednesday, January 4 by

I smell a rat… a big commie rat.

See ya at the crossroads, Kathy Griffin.
Screen Junkies’ Celebrity Death Predictions For 2012
Wednesday, January 4 by

We’re really going to miss some of these people if God forbid they die and I’m totally proven right.

This video is like a portal into my dark dreams.
It Was A Matter Of Time: ‘Toddlers And Tiaras’ Mom Dresses Daughter Up Like Lady Gaga
Wednesday, January 4 by

Are Laci’s fans Little Little Monsters?

The Great Leader will NOT be distracted by that guy to his right giving him the finger.
’30 Rock’ Is Doing Its Best In Dealing With This Kim Jong Il Business
Tuesday, January 3 by

What are they doing in response to the recent news of his death? Not much, man. Not much.

I DARE you to look at this map for five seconds and not get excited about Iowa.
Caucus This: 6 Films Set In Iowa
Tuesday, January 3 by

Because you’re really ignorant about which films have been set in Iowa.