In real life, Lucy Lawless’ superpower is acting like an entitled Hollywood liberal.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Are there any movies I’m missing? Yeah. Probably tons.

I’m not even looking forward to avoiding this. Cut me so I feel…something.

What do Berlin, Three 6 Mafia, Madonna, Isaac Hayes, Eminem, and Phil Collins have in common? Not much at all.

Don’t miss it! Unless you don’t care.

First, Kansas City, then, the world.

Decent performances, terrible films.

If this were to happen, I would think the Valley turns into a ghost town in about thirteen days.

This is a controversy in the same way a “too-soon” Whitney Houston Facebook post is a controversy.

The Academy must be trying to set some sort of record for how terrible and self-important an organization can be.

At Del Taco, you can get fries with your Mexican food…and a broken arm.

It’s Ash Wednesday. Party’s over, people.

Expect nightlight sales to skyrocket in the wake of this film.

If Billy Crystal found his way to this awards show, they would shoot him on sight.

“Dar-yl! Dar-yl!”

I’ll bring the hats and streamers.

Tiger blood, and what have you.

“Let the 1st Annual Hollywood Hunger Games begin!”

It will be Gaffigan’s crassest material yet, earning him a PG rating.

Whatever his name is, he’s no Alex Pettyfer.

One look at this list, and you’ll think, “Huh. FOX sure has aired a lot of crap.”

Rob Schneider had a prior commitment.

Let’s see…She’s less hot and louder since America last cared about her. Yeah, these shows are good ideas.

Why? Why not?

He should have been in the episode about Abed and the chicken fingers.

They’re also ball-droppers for those keeping score at home.

I wanted to put Gus Van Sant’s remake of ‘Psycho’ on here seven times, but my editor wouldn’t let me.

Get it? Ugh.

I hope you like your violence watered-down and insinuated!