Screen Junkies » Nicholas Pell Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Sat, 23 Aug 2014 02:25:13 +0000 en hourly 1 9 Movies Tim Tebow Will Be Watching During The Super Bowl Fri, 03 Feb 2012 17:01:58 +0000 Nicholas Pell Poor widdle Timmy Tebow and his Broncos didn’t make it to the Super Bowl. Tim and company choked hard, hopefully presaging the Broncos future as the new Buffalo Bills. Don’t...

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Poor widdle Timmy Tebow and his Broncos didn’t make it to the Super Bowl. Tim and company choked hard, hopefully presaging the Broncos future as the new Buffalo Bills.

Don’t mind — I’m just a bitter Raiders fan.

Anyway, since Timmy will be sitting at home watching the tube with mommy on Super Bowl Sunday, I’m guessing he won’t be watching the big game. It would only serve the purpose of reminding him that he’s a boy in a game of men. Here’s some stuff Timmy might be watching on game day while men battle it out on the gridiron.

Left Behind

Obligatory. While Tom Brady and Eli Manning are battling it out, pass for pass, Timmy can comfort himself with this Kirk Cameron classic. Because even though one of them will be getting a ring (and probably an MVP), none of that will matter on the day that Jesus comes back and throws them both into the fiery pits of hell. We’ll see if their Super Bowl rings will save them then.

Veggie Tales

Or maybe Timmy will be feeling a little more childish. Mommy will pop some corn and get him his bankie and he’ll cuddle up with his Veggie Tales tapes. Sometime around 9:30 at night Timmy will get all Tuckered out and pops will have to carry little Timmy up to bed. Then he’ll suckle his thumb in his footy pajamas and dream of a world where he won’t be an irrelevant joke in five years.

Knute Rockne: All American

I know literally nothing about this movie except that it’s about some football player from the 17th Century and it stars a young Ronald Reagan. Right? Shit, I seriously have no idea and I can’t be bothered to look it up on Wikipedia. Point is, Tebow likes Ronald Reagan and football, so he’ll probably be pretty into watching this. Can someone have the intern write a new paragraph where this one is? Thanks.

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A ‘Luck’ Fan’s Guide to Parimutuel Betting (A.K.A. Betting On Horses) Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:15:59 +0000 Nicholas Pell A.K.A. Playing the ponies!

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Dustin Hoffman has joined the ranks of film actors like Steve Buscemi who made themselves more awesome by appearing on television. Oops, our mistake, “It’s not television, it’s HBO.” Yes, Dusty will be starring in Luck, a show that details the exciting, fast-paced world of… parimutuel horse racing. Since there’s probably no one under the age of 90 who has the slightest clue how this works, we’ve decided to break down some of the more common terms so that you aren’t completely lost. As an added service, we’re throwing in pictures of these majestic creatures (the horses, not Dustin Hoffman) for your viewing pleasure.

Note that if you’re reading this in any country other than the United States, the terms are different. For example, in the UK, “win,” “place” and “show” are “tops, guvnah,” “right-o, old boy” and “jolly good show, mate,” respectively.

Win: Your horse has to, um, win.

Place: Your horse can come in first or second. Kind of a pussy bet if you ask us.

Show: Your horse can come in first, second or third. You’re not going to make a ton of money off of this bet, chief.

Exacta: You accurately predict the first- and second-place finishers in the proper order. If they’re both longshots you’re probably not going into work the next day.

Quinella: Same as the above, except the two horses can be in any order. Get ready to take the family on that vacation to Vegas you’ve been dreaming about since you realized your gambling addiction and alcoholism are fully catered to out there.

Trifecta: You pick the first-, second- and third-place horses in the correct order. If you are able to do this on a longshot bet, it’s likely that you have mob connections and the race was fixed.

Superfecta: Pick the first four horses in the race in the exact order. Get a five-figure payout. Tell your boss what you really think of him.

Daily Double: A bet covering two races. You choose the winning horse in both races, you get the same payout as winning a regular bet. The only difference is that you only placed one bet, so the greedy public schools only get their take once.

Pick X: You can place a bet where you pick the winner in a series of races. It’s expensive and you probably won’t ever win. If you do, you’re going to make a shitload of money. This is how professional gamblers put their kids through college.

Let It Ride: A rad movie starring Richard Dreyfuss and David Johansen that was pretty cool to watch on a local UHF station’s “Saturday Afternoon Movie” circa 1991. Often appeared in a double feature with Short Time. Had horse racing.

How Betting Works: You’re not really betting against the other players. You’re betting against yourself. The original odds of a horse race have nothing to do with the final tally. The final odds have far more to do with who is betting on what. In fact, if The Grifters is to be believed (and we really hope that it is), mobsters hire hot old chicks in stunning couture dresses to lower the odds on longshots so that they don’t have to pay out as much to the winners.

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9 Movie and TV Candidates Better Than The GOP Field Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:37:31 +0000 Nicholas Pell Suck my caucus.

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It’s that time again. Vermin of all kind of descended upon the simple state of Iowa, shilling snake oil, false promises and thinly veiled bigotry. That’s right, it’s time for the Iowa Republican Caucuses. This year’s field is particularly awful, including Ron Paul’s strong white nationalist campaign, Mitt Romney’s magic undies, a frothy mix known as Rick Santorum and more ex-Gingrich wives than you can shake a stick at. Movies and television provide us with better candidates than this, which is why I’ll be sitting at home tonight (that, and the fact that I don’t live in Iowa). Here are just a few people I’d prefer to anyone in the current GOP field.

Ralph Wiggum – The Simpsons

Ah yes, Ralph Wiggum. The creepy child of Chief Clancy Wiggum. You might not remember the Springfield Primary skyrocketed young Master Wiggum to political center stage. On the strength of the important so-called “Yellow Primary,” Wiggum was able to secure the nomination of both major political parties. Still, we’ll never know what might have happened with Wiggum at the helm. His bipartisan style is still a model for those seeking to unite the country around a common program.

Greg Stilson – The Dead Zone

I’m most definitely not talking about the boring TV show with the nerd from The Breakfast Club. In fact, I’m going to go on record as saying that The Breakfast Club sucks and the presence of a cast member is a bad, bad sign. But, anyway, the original film The Dead Zone comes from a land of perfectness and awesome. David Cronenberg? Check. Christopher Walken? Check. Mostly faithful adaptation of a boss Stephen King novel? Check. Total downer of an ending? Check. Stilson was to be the president who presides over nuclear holocaust, so it’s pretty awesome that Johnny got him to use a kid as a human shield. Still, I’d prefer him to the current candidates.

Robert Redford – The Watchmen

In The Watchman comic, Robert Redford threw his hat in the ring against Richard Nixon in 1988. After five terms of Dick in office, America was ready for a change. It was that or the giant squid monster or whatever the hell that thing is at the end. Apparently some things never change and one of those things is America deciding it wants a cowboy actor running its affairs.

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8 Actors Who Could Play Patrick Bateman In The ‘American Psycho’ Remake Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:06:36 +0000 Nicholas Pell Robert Pattinson is already killing stray cats.

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Hard to believe that it’s 2011, a whopping 11 years after the release of American Psycho. The film is a rare example of an adaptation that’s better than the book, mostly because Bret Easton Ellis is a hack with all the talent of a junior-level copywriter for the Sears catalog. Still, one of the biggest reasons the film works so well is the god-tier performance by Christian Bale. He’s got some seriously difficult G.J. Cleverly & Co. shoes to fill. Here are some people we think might be up to the task, regardless.

Tom Cruise

Christian Bale went on record as saying that he was channeling noted mental health expert Tom Cruise while filming American Psycho. The great big smile with the totally blank, 1,000-yard stare is common among Operating Thetans, particularly those who have gazed in the abyss of Xenu and his DC-10s in space. This might work better as a SNL skit than as a full movie, but we’d like to see Tom give it the old pre-Clear try.

Vincent Gallo

If Vinnie Gallo, Jr. signs on to play Patrick Bateman the movie will get filmed, edited and post-produced before Gallo burns every copy out of spite. We’re kind of OK with that, considering that this movie is going to totally suck balls.

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It’s Only A Ride: Happy Birthday, Bill Hicks Fri, 16 Dec 2011 16:33:02 +0000 Nicholas Pell He would have been 50... and probably would have made a Doritos ad by now.

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Bill Hicks would have been 50 years old today. The world is a much-impoverished place for losing him. As the world becomes stranger and scarier, it’s hard to imagine that it wouldn’t be an easier place to live in if he were still around.

Hicks was a singular figure in the American media. Anyone who remembers the peak of Hicks’ popularity — the late 80s and early 90s — knows it was a particularly sterile time for American popular culture. Safe-as-milk acts like Warrant, MC Hammer and Paula Abdul dominated the music charts. Popular film and television still waded through a Reaganite haze of nostalgia for a Leave It To Beaver world that never was. Hicks, however, was a fire-breathing prophet. At a time when rock stars were nearly required to make “Just Say No” ads, Hicks reminded us that most good music gets made on drugs. For his own part, Hicks was a sober nonsmoker until the age of 21. He began using to determine if drugs were the missing component in his routine. They seemed to have been.

Bill bitterly feuded with two comics: Jay Leno and Denis Leary. Prior to his feud, Hicks was a student of Leno and a friend of Leary. Leno recalls Hicks from comedy classes in Austin, Texas. Bill basically thought Leno was full of shit, while Leno saw lots of potential in the young, rebellious comedian. Hicks often criticized Leno for corporate sponsorship deals. Bill and Denis were long-time friends until the latter released No Cure For Cancer, which Hicks claimed largely plagiarized his material. When Hicks quit smoking, he famously quipped, “I just wanted to see if Denis would, too.”

Hicks’ live show often devolved into little more than ranting at his audience for their perceived inadequacies. This made putting out albums somewhat difficult. You can hear a bit of this on Hicks’ Flying Saucer Tour, Vol. 1. However, his estate specifically chose this performance because his ranting is funny and tempered. Often times, he left his routine entirely and degenerated into screaming.

Nearly as much as his comedy, Bill was known for his obsessions. Namely, his hatred of the media and interest in the Kennedy Assassination. He often cited the latter as an example of the depravity of the former. While it’s old hat now to criticize the media as being dishonest, underhanded, vapid and a tool of the powers that be, in Hicks’ time this was a far less common practice. George Carlin often did so, but in a far more playful way than Hicks. Even on audio recordings you can almost hear the spit and froth coming out of his mouth as he rails against the mass media and its role in controlling the public. This trope would later be taken up by comedians like Joe Rogan.

Another thing Joe Rogan has in common with Hicks is his endorsement of psychedelic drugs. Both Hicks and Rogan were influenced by the work of Irish-American lecturer Terence McKenna’s “stoned ape” theory. This is the theory that human consciousness and language have its genesis in early man’s use of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Hicks later stopped using drugs after (he claimed) a UFO abducted him.

One thing Hicks had that all comedians before and since have lacked is a cohesive view of humanity that came warts and all. It’s too easy to dismiss him as a misanthrope. Rather, Hicks saw mankind facing crucial questions of perhaps cosmic significance. He never viewed as incapable of overcoming them. Rather, he was realistic about the dual and contradictory nature of humanity. It’s his brutal honesty mixed with love that makes him so attractive. Both poles of attraction easily resonate with anyone who has a three-digit IQ and the contradiction is not easily resolved.

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9 Awesomely Insane Celebrity Political Endorsements Tue, 13 Dec 2011 20:23:10 +0000 Nicholas Pell Yes, Chuck Norris made the list.

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We’re still weeks away from the Iowa Caucus, and the GOP primary season has been going on for like three years, already. Now it’s time for endorsements. While elected officials are a little cautious — they want to back a winner, after all — celebrities can fly a little more fast and loose. Especially when they’re batshit crazy. Here are nine celebrity political endorsements sure to win the votes of mall ranters and manic street preachers everywhere.

Chuck Norris (Mike Huckabee)

Dude, have you heard about that Chuck Norris meme? The one where he can do all kinds of awesome stuff merely by roundhouse kicking? Well, the roundhouse kicks didn’t do much to help Mike Huckabee. Not only did he not secure the nomination in 2008, he declined to even run this time around. What’s an out-of-work action star to do in 2012? Well, Norris is going in for Ron Paul this time, the only candidate for doddering old men afraid of the Federal Reserve.

Gary Busey (Newt Gingrich)

Things have been going pretty well for Gingrich as of late. He’s gaining in both national and key state polls. And he’s securing critical endorsements, like Gary Busey. Busey brought a whole new meaning to the words “bughouse nuts” when he starred in an early celebreality show. We got an insight into the mind of Busey and it was hard to tell how much of it was genuine and how much of it was torturing a man foolish enough to make a TV show based around him. Newt is sitting pretty now among the key wackjob constituency, having the endorsements of Busey and Herman Cain.

Adam Sandler (Rudy Giuliani)

Nothing says class, sophistication and nuanced political thought more than Adam Sandler’s endorsement. Rudy must have worked hard wining and dining the man who’s made a career out of screaming and talking in baby voices. The endorsement of America’s favorite manchild didn’t do a lot for the Manhattan Mussolini, however. He failed miserably after months of being considered the presumptive nominee.

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7 ‘Glee’ Tributes We’d Like To See Wed, 07 Dec 2011 17:11:01 +0000 Nicholas Pell Enough with the shitty bands.

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So apparently Glee is paying tribute to Michael Jackson. We couldn’t be more excited. You see, we’re big fans of Glee around these parts. We just can’t get enough of that feel-good musical dramedy with all the highs and lows of real life encapsulated into a single hour.

Is the snark being laid on heavy enough here, or are we leaving room for ambiguity? Please let us know so we can get it right next time. Anyway, Glee is doing a tribute to late pop singer and noted child enthusiast Michael Jackson. Here’s our own list of people we hope get the Glee tribute treatment soon.


Slayer pretty much invented music, so we’re a little confused about why Glee has’t paid tribute to the masters of thrash yet. We’re thinking they should do an extra-special, two-hour episode of Glee where the gang sings the entirety of Seasons in the Abyss and South Of Heaven. Maybe they can mix it up and throw in some At The Gates and Cannibal Corpse tunes while they’re at it? We’re just making a suggestion here. We’re not married to the idea.


NWA were, along with Slayer, the driving force behind the invention of modern music. Those of you not old enough to remember won’t recall the days when every song in existence was recorded by Pat Boone fronting the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. NWA changed all that. Fronted by a dwarf from Compton, NWA featured Ice Cube back when he was into jheri curls, the LA Raiders and saying “f*ck the police.” You younger readers now know Ice Cube as the conductor at Shining Time Station and the star of a host of Disney movies. We think the Glee gang can do a great version of “I Ain’t The One” and “She Swallowed It.”

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Everything You Need To Know About Bane From ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:00:17 +0000 Nicholas Pell Considering that in the greater scheme of things, you don't "need" to know anything about bane, this headline is accurate.

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A relatively new introduction to the DC Comics canon of villains, Bane is the ultimate foil for Batman. He’s not some time-defying archetype like Ra’s al Ghul or a batshit crazy dude like The Joker. Instead, he’s one mean bastard in his physical prime with hand-to-hand combat skills as well-honed as the chip on his shoulder. Considering that in the comic books Bane broke Batman’s back and put him out of commission for a spell, The Dark Knight Rises should prove interesting indeed. Here’s all you need to know about the film’s villain, Bane.

Who Is Bane?

No, not these dudes.

Bane is from a fictional country in the Caribbean, Santa Prisca. He has some stupid background story about how he grew up in prison because a corrupt government made him serve out his father’s sentence. Whatever.

Anyway, supposedly his childhood spent in the joint is what makes him this extra diesel bad ass with crazy martial arts skills. While in jail, he not only learned to fight, but also became a man of letters when not hitting the iron. The Jesui Brothers taught him everything he needed to know about the fine arts and humanities, enabling him to become a career super criminal. Gee, now I’m wishing I had grown up in prison.

But it wasn’t all pumping iron and reading books. While in prison, Bane was also used as a guinea pig in an experiment with a substance called Venom, which is sadly not the totally rad black costume that takes over Spiderman. It’s a fictional steroid that makes him ginormous. The down side is, he has to have it pumped directly into his brain every 12 hours, or else he dies. It’s a trade off.

After the prison experiment makes him even tougher, he breaks out and sets out for Gotham. Why? Because he thinks that Batman has been haunting him in his dreams since childhood, which is, y’know, totally normal and stuff. When he gets to Gotham, he busts out all the wacky villains who live inside Arkham Asylum. He eventually breaks Batman’s back leading to a super lame story arc where a character named Azrael becomes Batman and gets some ill battle armor.

What Is Bane?


Bane is kind of like a monster heel from professional wrestling. For those of you unaware, monster heels are the dudes who don’t feel any pain because they aren’t human and can’t be reasoned with. Examples include The Undertaker before he became a dead biker and Brock Lesnar before he became a total joke. Much like most monster heels, after the initial shock wore off, he was relegated to being a third-tier villain in the DC Comics Universe. He is now part of the Secret Six alongside such epic winners as Catman, Rag Doll and Deadshot. I mean, come on! The dude almost killed Batman, and now he hangs out with some fool in a mask whose power is bending his arms in weird directions. Yeah, Don Didio isn’t totally killing DC or anything.

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Rest In Peace: Five Ken Russell Films You Should See Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:57:10 +0000 Nicholas Pell A tribute to the now-deceased director who brought us the classic date movie, 'Whore'...

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Ken Russell passed away last weekend after a series of strokes at age 84. Many of you might remember him as Kurt Russell’s dad.

Nah, on the reals, the guy was a pretty amazing director, though you could be forgiven for having never heard of his stuff. He was a pretty hot property back in your parents’ day. His later career was marked by films shot on video at his house starring himself. Sadly, we are not even kidding. If you’re unacquainted with this British auteur of high weirdness, we’re going to be kind enough to introduce you to some of his work. Here are a few places to get started with the late, great Ken Russell.

Tommy (1975)

This psychedelic classic almost came a little too late for Ken Russell. Still, the psychedelia of the film seems far more 70′s than the previous decade, which gave us the album. Ann-Margaret received a Golden Globe win and an Academy Award nomination for this film, which screened at Cannes, but was not part of the competition. Russell also wrote the script with Pete Townshend, mastermind of The Who. The list of stars in this film is unwieldy — Roger Daltrey and Ann-Margaret, supported by Elton John, Eric Clapton, Jack Nicholson and Tina Turner. The film is more than a little intense, visually speaking, and you’ll probably turn off your DVD player wondering if you just went on an acid trip.

Altered States (1980)

Loosely based on the real story of John C. Lily (the dude who brought us the drug ecstasy), Altered States stars William Hurt as an academic exploring other states of consciousness. Throughout the course of the film, Edward Jessup (the Lily analogue) experiments with sensory deprivation chambers, Ayahuasca, Amanita muscaria and a mystery tincture that turns him into some sort of ape man. It’s widely considered one of Russell’s stand out moments, with the visual and story-telling elements all pitch perfect.

Salome’s Last Dance (1988)

Salome’s Last Dance is based on some play you probably read and forgot in high school or in college. It’s about how a prostitute made the King of Judea behead John the Baptist… you know, the dude with the dreads who baptized Jesus. The film has all the classic Ken Russell tropes: Garish colors, bizarre costumes, overdramatic performances and high weirdness. Everyone in the film plays two different characters, and the “play” part of the film is bookended by a part with Oscar Wilde going to see it.

The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

For those of you who like updated versions of ancient myths, there’s The Lair of the White Worm. Look for an embarrassingly young Hugh Grant as the Lord of the Manor where an ancient worm is wreaking havoc on the English countryside. This is one of those movies you probably used to see in the “Horror” section at Blockbuster Video when you were about eight, and wondered what the hell it was about. It turns out it’s not just the snake people have to worry about, but an insane cult dedicated to maintaining its worship in the modern age.

Whore (1991)

This was pretty much the last movie Russell made that anyone cared about. After this, he basically retired to England with his camcorder and made fan fiction.

Based on a script written by a London taxi driver, Russell intended this to be an answer to Pretty Woman, which he believed glorified prostitution. The movie didn’t do very well. Did you think some weird-ass movie called Whore that got an NC-17 rating would? It was retitled for family-friendly video stores as If You Can’t Say It… Just See It? This is kind of an awesome date movie, actually. It’s a hell of a lot better than Pretty Woman, which might actually be the worst film ever made.

Honorable Mention: “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” (1996)

Proof that true trolls know how to troll themselves, Ken Russell directed the video to Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.” We get that Screen Junkies is a hot den of snark and you’re loath to believe us, but we couldn’t be more straight with you than we’re being right now.

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8 Creepy Movie Characters Women Love Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:10:22 +0000 Nicholas Pell Ladies love the weirdos... according to this article, anyway.

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That women love bad boys will come as no surprise to anyone. As it happens, the big screen has no shortage of them. For the guy who finds himself always being friendzoned, the following cinematic creeps will provide some inspiration for making the move from nice guy to completely frightening chick magnet. We’re not saying this is what all women are into, but between these eight, you’ve got a better than average shot at hitting a home run.

Bobby Peru (Wild At Heart)

Willem DaFoe is one of those guys whose pretty much creepy no matter who he’s playing. In David Lynch’s Wild At Heart, however, he really knocks it out of the park. We’re not sure if it’s the moustache, the teeth, the scene where he gropes on Laura Dern’s tits and then gets bored, or what. Probably a combination of all of the above. Whatever you do, though, don’t try and hold up a feed shop to impress a girl. It probably won’t work and you’ll just get your head blown off.

Pee Wee Herman (Pee Wee’s Big Adventure)

He’s a grown-ass man who acts like a 6-year old. This, plus the crucial bike, kind of make him a hero of ours The thing about Pee Wee is that he’s totally oblivious to the fact that there’s anything weird about him. That, plus all his amazing gadgetry, are what chicks dig about him. This is what we call the playful creepy. You can pretty much picture Pee Wee jumping out of a cake for a girl’s birthday, then running around the room doing some weird dance. If you ever meet a girl who’s into “bike culture,” bone up on Pee Wee and his big adventure.

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A Guy’s Guide To ‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’ Sat, 19 Nov 2011 00:44:58 +0000 Nicholas Pell Our look at one of the four greatest Twilight films ever made.

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Until today, Eclipse was the most recent movie in The Twilight Saga. It’s pretty much the same story as New Moon, except there’s more snow and we have to deal with Edward through the whole thing. Much like the last movie, not much happens, except there’s a sick army of new vampires who tear it up.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: New Moon


The blond dude from the first movie (the one that Edward killed) has a vampire girlfriend who is still alive. She’s so pissed that she creates an army of vampires to kill Bella. We’re pretty much cheering for the vampire army throughout the movie, because we hate Bella and think that vampire armies are a pretty sweet idea. Apparently, though, vampire armies violate some unwritten vampire law, so the Italian goth family who rules over the vampire world has to step in. The film also focuses on Edward and Bella’s love, and how Jacob is too stupid to move on. Actually, he’s kind of stupid for being in love with Bella in the first place, because what kind of fool loves a girl who hates herself and everything else in the world except some 100-year-old dude who manipulates and abuses her?

Anyway, eventually the vampire army attacks, but because Jacob is kind of a bitch, he makes all the werewolves fight for stupid Bella. Some of the fight scenes on the mountain are admittedly pretty dope, and we like it when Jacob is all like “I gotta cuddle your girl to keep her warm, dawg.” Especially because cuddling is pretty much the equivalent of anal sex in the Twilightverse. At the end of the movie, the Italian goth dudes are all “For real, bro, you have to make your girl a vampire,” setting the stage for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I, the film with the worst title in the history of cinema.

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A Guy’s Guide To ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ Fri, 18 Nov 2011 17:32:40 +0000 Nicholas Pell I watched this crap so you don't have to.

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon is the totally self-important title of the second Twilight film. Here we see the further adventures of Beautiful Swan and Edward “Pedo Bear” Cullen. This is the movie where Bella experiences loss, starts seeing ghosts and hangs out with some Native American werewolf dude until her boyfriend comes back to her. We suffered so you don’t have to, gents.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, Twilight, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse


After the events of Twilight, Edward decides that Bella is safer without him around. This is obviously stupid, because the vampire pack that looks like the Black Eyed Peas are probably pretty pissed that their blond friend got killed in the last movie. Whatever will Bells do without the superhuman strength of a sparkly vampire to protect her?

Even though Edward leaves, Bella keeps seeing him around in ghost form. But while she waits for him to return, she does all kinds of attention-seeking nonsense, including riding a motorcycle (SO EDGY). She also gets pretty close with Jacob the werewolf boy, and he helps her build a motorcycle. Of course, she’s just killing time with Jacob until her wonderful Edward comes back.

Because Edward has a sister who can see the future very poorly, he mistakenly thinks Bella will try to kill herself. As such, he decides to kill himself by heading off to Italy and pissing off vampire royalty known as the Volturi. At the end of the movie, Bella saves Edward and the Volturi tell Edward he has to make Bella into a vampire. They both pretend like this might not happen, even though everyone who has ever seen a movie knows that it will eventually. Also, Edward pressures Bella to marry, making him unlike any man who has ever lived.

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A Guy’s Guide to ‘Twilight’ Wed, 16 Nov 2011 19:18:47 +0000 Nicholas Pell Everything you need to know to fake a conversation about the film with a girl you're trying to sleep with.

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For most guys, Twilight is about as useful as a non-vodka-soaked tampon. Although it might not seem like something you’re interested in, this article will give you just enough information about the film to fake your way though a conversation, which might help you get in a girl’s pants. Pretty sweet, right? Let’s move on.

Twilight is the first film in The Twilight Saga. It’s so OG that it doesn’t even have “The Twilight Saga” in its name, kind of like Star Wars before George Lucas decided he wanted to piss all over your childhood.

This film tells the lovely tale of how a 100-year-old dude got a 17-year-old girl he basically hates to fall in love with him while he was hanging around high school.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to The Twilight Characters, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse


Bella Swan leaves Arizona so her mom can be a MILF with some dude who plays minor league baseball. When she gets to her new school, all these Mormon-faced dorks want to slip their tube steak in her. Instead, she falls in love with Edward Cullen, a 100-year-old man who looks like a teenager and treats her like shit. Edward is part of a clan of vegan vampires who sparkle in the sunlight. He’s a pretty good lesson in what women want, especially women who like stuff like Twilight.

Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire because she is apparently really smart. However, she’s not smart enough to know to avoid some dude who breaks into her bedroom and watches her sleep. While playing baseball with the Mormon Vampire Cullen family, another group of vampires who look like the Black Eyed Peas see Bella and decide to eat her. The Cullens don’t cotton to this, and kill one of them to protect her. Specifically, they kill the blond vampire who looks like that guy whose girlfriend you boned in college while he sat in the corner and cried. At any rate, Edward saves Bella’s life after the blond dude bites her, and all is well in Twilight land.

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A Guy’s Guide To The ‘Twilight’ Characters Tue, 15 Nov 2011 17:00:21 +0000 Nicholas Pell Everything you need to know to fake a conversation about Twilight...

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Get ready, guys. The new Twilight film, Breaking Dawn, Part I, is coming. This means that at some point in the next month, a girl is going to want to discuss the movies with you, if not actually drag you to a screening. As such, you need to pretend like you care about Twilight, which is a tall order. Luckily, Screen Junkies has you covered. Here’s part one to our four-part guide to understanding as much as you need to understand — or as much as there is to understand — about Twilight.

Check out a Guy’s Guide to Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The Characters

Bella Swan

Bella Swan is the protagonist of Twilight. Her name means “beautiful swan.” Sadly, we aren’t kidding. She is kind of a stand in for Stephanie Meyers, a creepy Mormon lady who clearly wants to be in an abusive relationship with a 100-year old man posing as a 17-year old. She has absolutely no personal qualities other than loving Edward Cullen, and she makes one single bitchface throughout all of the Twilight movies. She thinks she likes Jacob for a little while, but mostly she’s just into having some super-old dude she barely knows tell her what to do all the time.

Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen is Bella Swan’s love. He’s a creepy old man in the body of a 17-year-old boy who is, for some reason, hanging around high school girls. Female Twi-hards think he’s super romantic and ignore what an abusive, crazy dude he is. When Bella is sleeping, he lurks in her bedroom without her knowledge, and when she’s awake, he’s always telling her what to do. We never get any reason for why Edward loves Bella so much, which isn’t surprising, since she has no personality, and his character has all the depth of and nuance of Tony Danza’s acting.

Also, he sparkles like glitter in the sun and wears a “purity ring” because Twilight is basically Mormon propaganda.

Jacob Black

Jacob Black is a werewolf who is pretty awesome until he falls in love with Bella, at which point he becomes a total vagine. He’s a Native American, which is admittedly pretty rad, as is being a werewolf. He builds motorcycles from scratch with his bare hands, which actually qualifies him as a legit bad ass. Sadly, the fact that he’s a bad ass is probably why Bella ends up with Edward. Twilight is basically for depressing fat chicks, and they’d rather see a sensitive lady man like Edward get the girl than a dude with tattoos who reeks of motor grease.

Unfortunately, as the movies go on, Jacob increasingly becomes a thoughtful, sensitive man who knows how to console Bella, cook a romantic dinner, and shop for tampons without even being told what brand to buy.

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7 Worst Moustaches In Recent Film And Television History Wed, 09 Nov 2011 23:22:29 +0000 Nicholas Pell Not all moustaches are created equal.

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Not everyone can have the a thick, lustrous moustache like god-among men Burt “F#cking” Reynolds. Even with his ‘stache half shaved off, Burt looks like a champ. You’re looking at the gorgeous mane of hair growing on his upper lip, not his hairpiece. That’s where it really counts.

But some men feel no shame when going on television or the silver screen with a moustache that a 12-year-old boy would be ashamed to rock. We’re posting these as a warning, gents. Remember, when you rock the mo’ to honor those who have gone before you, don’t end up looking like these clowns.

But before you read about our picks for the worst moustaches, take a look at this comprehensive video of movie moustaches and judge for yourself. And while you’re at it, if you haven’t signed up for Movember, what the hell are you waiting for? Click the following link and head over to Break’s Movember page and do your part to fight prostate and testicular cancer.

Now, on with the bad ‘staches!

Leonardo DiCaprio (The Aviator)

It’s pretty sad when you’re looking scarier than the real Howard Hughes. That’s exactly what Leo does toward the end of The Aviator. The moustache growing on his face like some kind of blond caterpillar expresses the existential angst many fair-haired men feel when it comes time for Movember. The dude looks pretty fly throughout the rest of the movie, then toward the end of his life, Hughes dons this mo’. Why, we aren’t sure, but not even “historical accuracy” makes Leo’s moustache justifiable. Somebody get this guy a razor.

Channing Tatum (The Sons of No One)

This movie bombed at the box office. Big time. You wanna know why? Four words: Tatum Channing’s friggin’ moustache. It straight looks like they shaved his balls and glued it to his upper lip. We get it. He’s playing a cop. Great. We’re pretty sure that at the academy they separate out the dudes who aren’t growers and cut them right away. Some better casting could have fixed this, or they could have just decided he didn’t have to look like he could double for the cop from the Village People before he could grow facial hair.

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Forget Pluto Nash: 9 Reasons Eddie Murphy Is A Comic Genius Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:00:28 +0000 Nicholas Pell Haters gonna hate...

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It’s pretty fashionable to hate on Eddie Murphy these days. What people forget is that not only did he carry (Will Farrell style) Saturday Night Live for several years, but he’s also made a grip of amazingly hilarious movies, not to mention some of the highest grossing comedies of all time. Whether we’re talking standup or his ability to play just about any character under the sun, Eddie Murphy is the new Rodney Dangerfield. He gets no respect, but he damn well deserves some.

In honor of this new film, Tower Heist, which hits theaters this Friday, let’s take a look at nine proofs that Eddie Murphy is a comic genius of the highest order. And Eddie, if Tower Heist bombs, just blame Brett Ratner.

Trading Places

The actual story is nothing new. The “prince and pauper switch places” theme is a trope as old as time itself. Murphy and Dan Ackroyd, however, bring their comic talents to breathe fresh live into an old cliché. The film is required viewing in the age of endless recession, 99 percenters and the end on the American Dream. You’ll never look at frozen concentrated orange juice the same way ever again.

Beverly Hills Cop

It’s hard for us to think of this film without thinking of Kahn Souphanousinphone singing along with the classic track “Alex F.” If Trading Places showed Murphy as a master of comedic acting, Beverly Hills Cop proved he was a bankable Hollywood property. Few people remember that this film outgrossed Ghostbusters. It’s interesting to contemplate how he would have done in the role of Winston Zeddimore, which was written specifically for him. True story: This was originally slated to star Sly Stallone and be a gritty action picture. We’re not really sure how they planned to work bananas in the tailpipe into it.

White Like Me

Not to hate on Tim Kazurinsky, but when we say that Eddie Murphy carried Saturday Night Live for years, we’re not kidding. Who was his competition? Joe Piscopo? Murphy is still the only person to host the show while a cast member. The “White Like Me” sketch shows Murphy making critical observations on race while keepin the spirit light and fun. He passes as a white man, studying Hallmark cards to learn how white people think. When he hits the streets, he finds that white people don’t have to pay for anything, parties start on buses when black people leave, and banks give money away.

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9 Most Menacing Moustachioed Villains From Film And Television Tue, 01 Nov 2011 13:00:26 +0000 Nicholas Pell Celebrate Movember by becoming the moustached cartoon villain you’ve always wanted to be.

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In cinema and television, giving your villain a moustache is perhaps the easiest way to ensure people know he’s bad. Seriously, it’s like a monocle denoting wealth. For the man looking to celebrate Movember with a bit of wickedness in his appearance, the moustache can provide the opportunity for being the cartoon villain you’ve always wanted to be. So with the start of Movember upon us, take a look at these nine menacing moustachioed villains for inspiration, and then head over to the Break Movember team and join the fight against prostate and testicular cancer.

The Joker

No, not Heath Ledger or Jack Nicholson or even Mark Hamill. We’re talking about Cesar Romero and his well-sculpted, trimmed-down moustache during the deliciously campy 1960 television series Batman. It’s hard to see at times, but it’s definitely there, poking through the white greasepaint. The grooming here is impeccable, befitting a villain who clearly spends more time on his appearance than he does on actually trying to rid the world of Batman… seriously, how many easily escapable traps can the dude come up with?


This one is cheating a bit, because Sinestro won’t be a villain until the next Green Lantern film and based on the performance of the last, that might never happen. Still, fans of the comic book knew where this was going, so there’s no spoiler alert needed. Sinestro is to Green Lantern what Lex Luthor is to Superman. You can tell by the ‘stache. We’re actually hoping they make a sequel if for no other reason than that he fits in better on this list, but whatever. Even in the first movie the guy is a total dick.

Railroad Track Guy

At some poin in time this was a character in a film. Then it just became a trope and sight gag. When I say “moustachioed villain” you pretty much immediately think “guy tying some chick to the railroad tracks.” Apparently this first appeared in an early silent serial called The Perils of Pauline. At the time it was no joke — six people were killed in such a manner between 1874 and 1910. This cliché later inspired Snideley Whiplash on Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties.

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15 Hottest Monster Babes Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:53:52 +0000 Nicholas Pell I'd hit that...with a shovel...

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For Halloween, we’re serving you a lovely slideshow of 15 of the gnarliest monster ladies to ever appear on the big screen… OK, so a bunch of them are from DTV gems. Whatever. You get our point. If you’ve ever had a wank to any of these ladies, there’s probably something seriously wrong with you. Wait, no. If you’ve ever had a wank to any of these ladies, you’re probably a typical Screen Junkies reader.

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7 Badass Biographical (And Semi-Biographical) Films You Need To Watch Fri, 28 Oct 2011 13:00:08 +0000 Nicholas Pell From commies to porn stars, this list has it all.

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The Rum Diary is allegedly a novel, not a biography. Whatever. All we’re saying is that it stars Johnny Depp as a wandering freelance journalist who can’t put enough substances in his body. Sounds close enough for jazz to us.

There’s something about seeing the true-life story, or the semi-true-life story, of a legit badass like Hunter S. Thompson on the big screen that appeals to people. Unlike a fictional account, you can actually find something to aspire to, or at least have fantasies about a cool new drinking buddy.

With that in mind, here are seven badass biographical and semi-biographical films.

Der Baader Meinhof Komplex

What could be sexier than a bunch of German communist terrorists who dress like the Velvet Underground? This movie doesn’t white wash terrorism, but it sure does provide it with a glamorous edge during the first two acts. Watch as chic Germans smoke cigarettes, wear sunglasses, steal cars and blow up American army installations. You can get a history lesson while you watch this and it’s one action film your girl won’t mind watching with you in the least.

Boogie Nights

No, Dirk Diggler is not a real guy. He is, however, loosely based on John Holmes, AKA Johnny Wadd, with many scenes, such as the classic interaction with the Ric Springfield-loving crack dealer, lifted directly from his life. This film ages like a fine wine, with classic interactions and one-liners like “You know, people tell me I kind of look like Han Solo.” We were as surprised as anyone else when we found out Marky Mark could act.

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8 Cast Changes That Make Us Shake With Rage Mon, 24 Oct 2011 15:46:16 +0000 Nicholas Pell “Sh’yeah, right. As if we wouldn’t notice.” - Wayne Cambpell

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So Ashton replaced Charlie and Two and a Half Men is tanking. We’d care more if the show weren’t so damn stupid to begin with. Replacing characters on a TV show is a pretty clear sign that its days are numbered. Still, some shows have soldiered on despite losing key members of their cast. It’s not really ever a good idea, but it does sometimes “work,” whatever that means. Here are seven examples of bad cast change choices that made us particularly angry.

Dos Beckys – Roseanne

As if the original Becky weren’t irritating enough, the people who brought you John Goodman being fat as fuck decided to replace Becky. Yes, yes, hurr durr, they make jokes about it. Yawwwwwwwwwwn. Don’t care. This is a pretty good demarcation point for when the show goes from uncomfortable to unbearable.

Growing Pains vs. Family Ties: Magical Aging Cage Match

Even when I was eight-years old I was grotesquely offended by the magical aging of television children. Did the producers of Family Ties really expect us to not notice that Brian Bonsall turned from a glowing baby child to a surly grown up with throat tattoos overnight? Oh wait… that was later. Either way, not to be outdone, Growing Pains decided to ape what Family Ties was doing again and age a baby into an irritating ginger girl who looked like she was cloned from one of Shirley Temple’s curls.

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8 Idiotic TV Shows About “How Men Really Act” Fri, 21 Oct 2011 15:35:41 +0000 Nicholas Pell So, that's what men are like. Thanks, TV!

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Did you know that all men are morons who hate relationships, asking for directions and putting the toilet seat back down? It’s true! My tee-vee told me so! Television loves making misandrist sitcoms about men sitting around in shit-stained underwear doing keg stands at age 30. How many of you are actually like that? After the relationship comedy, this might be the preferred well of the network sitcoms. Stop watching this garbage and if we’re lucky they’ll stop producing it.

Men Behaving Badly

When a show stars Rob Schneider it’s hard to find anything worse to say about it. If you don’t remember, MBB featured guys acting like moronic jerks, drinking tons of booze, burping as loudly as they could and being led around like a dog on a leash every time a set of boobs appeared. You know who liked this show? Stupid men whose psychological development stopped in third grade and women who don’t like men very much because they’ve met too many guys like that. Everyone else wasn’t watching and NBC unceremoniously cancelled the show after a few episodes of the second season.

The King of Queens

It’s high time someone made a TV show about a fat moron with a saucy wife. Oh wait, they’ve been doing that since I Love Lucy and it never gets any funnier. When not even the presence of Jerry Stiller and Patton Oswalt can do anything to save your show, that’s a sign that it’s really, really insufferably bad. Fun fact: This was the last show to begin in the 90s to remain on television. Really? Yep. It was on for like a million years or something. A million totally stupid years of Kevin James getting into wacky hijinks and trying to hide the fuck up of the week from his wife.

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Thoughts On Leonard Nimoy’s Retirement Mon, 17 Oct 2011 17:03:25 +0000 Nicholas Pell Leonard Nimoy: a.k.a. The "Straight" Spock...

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Funny. After watching that amazing Saturday Night Live sketch about a billion times, we figured Big Shat would be the first one off the Star Trek gravy train. Nope. It’s Nimoy. Consider us shocked.

Nimoy and Shat cut a sharp contrast. While Shat was known for scenery chewing, over-the-top acting and overall histrionics, Nimoy turned out more subtle, cerebral performances. It’s almost like no one told him he was on a show dedicated to Shatner smirking and boning down with green-skinned babes throughout the galaxy.

But even if they had, Nimoy, being the consummate professional that he is probably wouldn’t have cared. Compare his resume to Shat’s. Both have the requisite Western credits that basically all actors of their generation had. Nimoy, however, also has the original Mission: Impossible series to his credit, as well as Galvatron in Transformers: The Movie (no, not the one with all the sparkly explosions) and a host of boss video game voice acting credits. He also directed what is arguably the best Star Trek film, The Voyage Home. You know… the one with the whales.

In contrast, Shatner’s resume is just one shit shingle after another. It’s not that films like Incubus, Big Bad Mama and Kingdom of the Spiders aren’t fun or anything. They’re just totally stupid. And hey, there’s a place for that and everything, but it’s not quite worthy of the same type of praise turning in a killer performance even when you know people are just going to remember you as “the guy with the pointy ears” no matter what. Did we mention Shat also wrote and directed Star Trek V: The Final Frontier? Does any more really need to be said about this? Yes: T.J. Hooker and Boston Legal. As if that weren’t enough, let us remind you of the one word that brings terror into the hearts of men who spent too much time watching basic cable on weekends: TekWar.

Curiously, Nimoy was the sex symbol, not Shatner. Remember, this was the 1960s, when men who reminded women of their dad or a cop were out — way out. On the other hand, men who remind you of some kind of mod space alien were in — way in. Nimoymania reached its peak when he appeared on the variety show Malibu U singing “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” while surrounded by a number of saucy young ladies in psychedelic dresses. This is pretty much the only thing anyone remembers about the show to this day.

And so, convention goers can now stand in line for hours to get an up-close-and-personal glimpse of Big Shat’s rug. But they can’t stand in line to shake the hand of the dark, brooding Nimoy. We never wished we’d gone to a Star Trek convention until now and hell, we still don’t wish we had, but getting a few minutes alone to shoot the shit with the man who is and is not Spock sounds like a hell of a way to spend the afternoon.

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8 Cancelled TV Shows That Were On The Wrong Network Mon, 10 Oct 2011 16:54:18 +0000 Nicholas Pell 'The Playboy Club' is not alone.

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In case you missed it, I called it: The Playboy Club was the first casualty of the 2011 fall lineup. Sadly, at least for the producers and people with a bunny costume fetish, the show probably would have done really well on HBO, Showtime or even Starz. Here are eight more shows cancelled before their time, not necessarily because they needed bare tits, but because of network committee-think and dumbing down, which is basically everything we’ve come to expect from television, the bargain basement of entertainment.

Skins (MTV)

A show about promiscuous teenagers on a network for promiscuous teenagers. What could possibly go wrong? Well, this is still America, the place where we’re supposed to pretend no one has sex until the age of 35 or so. MTV’s advertising campaign centered on the question of how they would adapt this notoriously racy British comedy (please, stop saying “Britcom”). The show got a TV-MA rating, meaning that most of the cast aren’t even supposed to watch it. Apparently, no one else did, either, the combination of controversy and having to pull punches for an American audience proving deadly.

Would Have Worked On: Skinemax. Duh.

Twin Peaks (ABC)

To be fair, this show hung around a lot longer than anyone might have expected a David Lynch television show to. Still, in the final analysis, broadcast network committee think butchered this show and wrapped it in plastic. Network suits insisted the pure MacGuffin of “Who Killed Laura Palmer?” be answered, resulting in plummeting ratings and an increasingly stupid show. They could have dragged the question out for at least three or four years, but the suits got their way and we lost one of the best shows in television history.

Would Have Worked On: “It’s not TV, it’s HBO.”

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6 Ways Steve Jobs Changed The Way We Watch Movies Thu, 06 Oct 2011 16:16:31 +0000 Nicholas Pell From iPads to Pixar, Jobs had a tremendous effect on the world of visual entertainment.

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No joking around, kids. It’s a really sad day.

While the iPad isn’t intended solely as a video player, the ability to watch a film or television show anywhere there’s a WiFi connection would have been unheard of just a few years ago. Combined with streaming video technology, the device has radically altered the entertainment landscape, creating an appetite for instantaneous consumption of film and television shows, and challenging the need for set broadcast times and the theatrical release of films.

Final Cut Pro

No longer do you need to have film-editing equipment to make yourself a movie. All you need is a digital camera and a bootlegged copy of Final Cut Pro. The product revolutionized the world of film, making viral videos, webisodes, fan series and truly independent film in the reach of anyone who can point and shoot. Perhaps more than any other product in film history, Final Cut Pro leveled the playing field, democratizing the world of film.

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Don’t Get Too Excited For The Return Of Arrested Development Tue, 04 Oct 2011 16:07:04 +0000 Nicholas Pell Be careful what you wish for...

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Somebody called me on the phone. He said “Hey, did you hear about the Arrested Development reunion?” I was pretty stoked, because after Fishbone, they were my favorite band at Lollapalooza in 1993. Then he told me it wasn’t the hip-hop group, it was that TV show with all the rich white folks on it.

Click here for the cast’s most embarrassing roles since leaving the show.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Arrested Development. I’ve watched the entire series repeatedly. I choked up a little when Fox finally gave it the axe. It was easily the best sitcom in television history until Party Down came along and provided some stiff competition. Talking about The Seaward, hot cops, and Mr. Bananagrabber brings an instant smile to my face, if not a minor titter and yet… I’m a little underwhelmed by the return of the show.

Trying to recreate Arrested Development is like trying to capture lightning in a bottle. I’m sure people were pretty amped when Aerosmith got back together, and then they dropped Permanent Vacation and the Armageddon soundtrack, a couple of stiff kicks to the balls. I mean, take a minute to step back from your irrational exuberance and ask yourself: How many band break up, get back together and make good records?


I’m not saying the new shows and movie won’t be funny. They probably would be if I had never heard of Arrested Development. But expectations kill and momentum means something in comedy. Michael Cera isn’t cute little awkward George Michael anymore, he’s Michael Fucking Cera, the douche who’s made a career out of playing irritating, twee “male” versions of the manic pixie dream girl, minus the mania and god dammit, he wouldn’t even take his picture with me and my friends at a bowling alley in Koreatown even though I’m pretty sure he didn’t even know we were just trying to clown on him.

It’s not just prancing Michael Cera and his red wool cap, either. Has anyone noticed how lame Will Arnett has gotten? The sex tape was great. I even liked Let’s Go To Prison. But now he’s on some TV show about trying to stay cool while raising a fucking baby? Isn’t he about fifteen years too old to star on a show like that? More to the point, isn’t that show for the type of people who post pictures of themselves holding up diapers soiled in unnatural colors while smiling and making “oopsie” faces, AKA the type of people who make you want to kill all parents instead of becoming one?

I saw Alia Shawkat on some Lifetime movie and apparently she appears in Best Coast videos. I don’t think I really need to go on with this one.

Point is: The show was great in its time, but there’s a pretty good chance that time has passed away, along with the blissful innocence of the Bush years. America has new anxieties, irritants and pathologies to explore and exploit for comic potential now. Today, Arrested Development is about as relevant as M*A*S*H.

Follow @NicholasPell on Twitter.

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Nine Creepier Than Creepy Episodes of ‘Law and Order: SVU’ Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:57:19 +0000 Nicholas Pell Sometimes we think they should just rename Law and Order: SVU to Semen in the Chest Cavity.

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Sometimes we think they should just rename Law and Order: SVU to Semen in the Chest Cavity. It’s pretty amazing that a creepy show revolving around dead, raped girls wrapped in plastic has lasted this long. With the 13th season of SVU underway, we’ve been thinking about some of our favorite deliciously creepy episodes. You might want to turn on a night light before reading this one, kids… or buy some mace.

“Unorthodox” (Season 9)

As if Alexander Gould weren’t creepy enough as the budding sociopath Shane Botwin on Weeds, he really outdid himself in his SVU bid. When a kid shows up to school bleeding out the ass, Olivia and Stabler are naturally called in, suspecting yet another religious leader with a penchant for little boys. Nope. What they’ve got is a porn-addicted young boy who’s seen a few too many episodes of Oz. “Sometimes they pretend they don’t like it. It’s just part of the sex.”

“Pure” (Season 6)

Martin Short plays Sebastian Ballentine a creepactular psychic with shockingly accurate details of a kidnapping-murder, the skeptical Stabler unsurprisingly suspects he’s no clairvoyant. As this is SVU, you know from the outset the answer won’t be simple and it’s not. They soon catch the trail of one Henry Palavar. Things take a turn for the downright scary when the pair learn that Henry Palavar and Sebastian Ballentine are one and the same.

“Care” (Season 3)

The video game obsessed are always a little creepy. In this episode of SVU, a man addicted with a medieval video game is the prime suspect after a little girl’s body is found at a construction site. The real culprit is far scarier than any mouth breather you might encounter on World of Warcraft, however. Grandma beat the poor kid to death for wetting the bed. We were pretty glad when she died of a heart attack in prison at the end.

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7 New Fall Shows That Won’t Be Here Next Spring Tue, 27 Sep 2011 15:00:57 +0000 Nicholas Pell Place your bets.

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For every Always Sunny and Community, there’s a P.S. I Luv U and The Tortellis. Most new shows on television just don’t make it in the long run. This year’s crop will be no exception. If anything, this year’s crop is below average. With that sad fact in mind, here are seven shows from the new fall lineup that won’t be around this time next year. Hell, some will be lucky to make it through October.

The New Girl

Zooey Deschanel is a bit like that girl with borderline personality disorder you met during your first semester at college. At first you were glad she was hanging around you all the time, making cute faces and riding your junk raw. After a month or two, though, creepy habits like photographing you in your sleep and going through your email got old — to say nothing of her weird habits like keeping her piss in jars. America is going to drop this show like you dropped that girl, except this show won’t show up uninvited and try to stay with you for the next six months.


You know what television doesn’t have enough of? Relationship comedies. Or stand-up comedians trying to make the transition to the small screen. So it’s a good thing NBC has brought us this sitcom about a simple gal trying to inject some new romance into her relationship. One thing is certain: in 2011 there’s nothing America loves more than multi-camera comedies with a laugh track. This one is clearly going to go far.

The Playboy Club

Mad Men might be the hottest show on television today. The big three are rushing to copy it, with Pan-Am (which is a crapshoot) and The Playboy Club, which is dead in the water. You know what was awesome about the real Playboy Clubs of the 1960s? Dudes like Don Draper taking bunnies into the cloak room for a quickie right before forgetting their name. This show would work like gangbusters if it were on HBO or Showtime. On NBC it might be hip, but it certainly won’t be sexy.

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9 Reasons Netflix Is Still A Great Deal Wed, 21 Sep 2011 20:01:27 +0000 Nicholas Pell It's still the best deal in town.

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Much teeth-gnashing and crying in the darkness followed Netflix announcement that it was separating its DVD / Blu-Ray and streaming services. When Netflix unrolled its new DVD / Blu-Ray service, Qwikster, the response was a bit like when everyone found out the long-awaited Apple tablet had a name that sounded like a jam rag. While we’ll miss being able to get a new flick delivered to our door via U.S. mail and stream over the series of tubes at one low price, it could be a lot worse. Tons of things are more expensive than subscribing to both Netflix services. Here are nine.

Check out 10 reasons to stay on netflix!

Going to the Movies

Nothing ever compares to the experience of watching a movie in a cool, dark room with a mob of other people. You laugh harder, cry more and walk away with an experience greater than just seeing a flick. You also go home about $30 lighter than you went in — make that $50 if you bring a date. Between skyrocketing ticket prices and the minor atrocities committed at the concession stand, going to the cinema is a far greater expense than throwing Netflix / Qwikster whatever it is they finally end up charging for both services.

Renting Movies

Just in case anyone is still rocking Hammer pants, listening to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, buying CDs and renting videos, we’d like to point out that this is a very expensive way to catch a film. At three bucks per — the price that renting movies cost the last time we wandered into a video rental place, somewhere around 1994 — or one dollar per night — apparently what those boxes outside of the 7-11 charge for the privilege of having a hard copy of How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days — renting movies like grandma used to is going to add up real quick.


Torrenting your favorite movie is, in theory, free. That’s one of the things people love about it. But it isn’t free when you add in the cost of getting sued by the MPAA. Laugh all you like. The movie industry has decided to redouble its efforts to hunt down and punish people like you who don’t want to shell out their hard-earned lettuce to find out Captain America: The First Avenger is possibly the worst super hero film since Punisher War Journal. The worst is when you get sued by the porn industry, which is happening more and more these days. Basement dwellers of the world are going to lose more than just money when pornographers come knocking on mom’s door inquiring about who downloaded Teen Butt Sluts Vol. 9.

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9 Reasons Why Remaking ‘Point Break’ Makes Baby Jesus Cry Tue, 13 Sep 2011 22:09:03 +0000 Nicholas Pell Just don't do it.

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Hot on the heels of Straw Dogs Footloose and A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hollywood is back to doing what it does best — taking good movies and ruining them with a remake. We don’t care much when it’s something that wasn’t very good to begin with (Arthur), or something so patently stupid that we don’t even have to take it seriously (Romancing the Stone), but when you start messing with our favorites like They Live and Planet of the Apes, we’ve got a broken bottle and a bad attitude. Now, proving that Hollywood is totally out of ideas and has no respect for the dead, some genius is talking about remaking

Can we just start by talking about Swayze? This cigarette-chomping centerpiece of Point Break is one of few actors to successfully unite the roles of heartthrob and legit bad ass. The Point Break remake was originally a sequel, something we can be cautiously optimistic about. Apparently Warner Bros. couldn’t wait until his corpse was cold to start violating it. It doesn’t matter who you get, WB — they won’t be Swayze.

It’s Already Licensed

They haven’t just made plans for a film. Warner Bros. has already licensed the film for television and games. Get ready for a sub-par USA Network weekly starring Matthew Lillard and Jamie Kennedy and an MMORPG where you can decide which ex-president you want to be.


Not to put too fine a point on it, but the idea of bank robbers in Bill Clinton and George (H.)W. Bush masks is… well, stupid. Part of the charm of the original is the sheer Americana of the masks. Nixon, Reagan and Johnson are defining men of an era. While this is also true of Clinton and Bush the younger, it’s hard to see a man in a Bubba mask being anything other than comical, even when he’s holding a gun in your face.

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Ten Most Bad Ass Moments So Far On ‘Sons of Anarchy’ Fri, 09 Sep 2011 15:30:34 +0000 Nicholas Pell This list contains all sorts of bad-assery...

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Fewer things are more bad ass than 1%er motorcycle clubs. While the true and gritty reality of belonging to one of these clubs can’t fully be represented on basic cable, Sons of Anarchy does a damn close job. In celebration of the start of the fourth season, we’ve decided to revisit the ten most bad ass moments of the first three seasons.

Note: The two errors that originally appeared in this piece have been corrected. Thanks to everyone in the comment section who pointed them out.

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Burning Off Kyle’s Tattoo

Popular legend holds that if you leave a 1%er motorcycle club they want your tattoos back. According to Sons of Anarchy, you can either get them burned off or cut off. Kyle, the exiled member of SAMCRO responsible for Opie’s incarceration opted for the former. In one of the most brutal scenes ever aired on basic cable, we got to see him hang from chains while the tattoo was burned off with a blowtorch.

AJ Weston’s Stoic Death

Henry Rollins could put on a pink prom dress and read scenes from Steel Magnolias and still look tough. On SOA he plays an open white nationalist opponent of SAMCRO. Before SAMCRO executes him, AJ Weston says a touching goodbye to his son. This isn’t just bad ass, it also lends an interesting complexity to a thoroughly detestable character, humanizing even the most inhuman man.

Killing June Stahl

Anyone who’s seen The Godfather knows that even the most hardened criminals hesitate before offing the pigs. Double down on that when it comes to federal agents. But Agent June Stahl went over the line one too many times and paid the price in the season three finale. Most of us spent the first three seasons wondering why no one thought to put her out of her misery.

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