Screen Junkies » Jared Jones

7 Oscar Categories That Should Exist (And Who Would Win Them)

Jared Jones — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 21:00:53 +0000

The Academy Awards have been running strong for 84 years now, and to put it nicely, they are in need of a few renovations. The fact that Billy Crystal will be hosting for the tenth time this year only furthers this theory. That’s not a knock on the ceremony, but simply an observation. The fact is, all things must change with the times; the Constitution did it, The Beatles did it, and Steve Jobs’ ghost forces us to do it by releasing a new goddamn Iproduct every goddamn month. The Oscars need a fresh breath of life, and what better way to mix things up then to add a few new categories? We’ve managed to do just that, and even gone as far as to predict who will win each, because we really are that damn good.

Best Performance by an Inanimate Object

Nominees
The book from The Help
Jonah Hill in Moneyball
The pills that killed Gwyneth Paltrow in Country Strong
The ring in Green Lantern
Channing Tatum in The Eagle

Winner: As was the case for his Best Supporting Actor “worthy” role in Moneyball, there would be a public backlash for Jonah Hill’s nomination in this category. Movie going audiences will claim that, just because Hill was fat to the point of immobility in the film does not qualify him as an inanimate object. In the end, it will be a pointless argument, as the gold statue will be given to Channing Tatum for his portrayal of the chariot in The Eagle. The above photo will be snapped of Tatum during his acceptance speech, which will consist mainly of Chewbacca-esque grunts and quotes from Old School.

Best Actor in the Worst Movie a.k.a The Michael Madsen Award

Nominees
Natalie Portman in No Strings Attached
Sir Anthony Hopkins in The Rite
Tom Hanks in Larry Crowne
Aaron Eckhart in Battle: Los Angeles
Jim Carrey in Mr. Popper’s Penguins

Winner: In a shocking twist, the award will be deemed a tie between the entire cast of New Year’s Eve with the exception of Ashton Kutcher. Sarah Jessica Parker will accept the award on behalf of the cast, at which point the viewing audiences across the nation will erupt into fits of rage and confusion as to why the presenters just allowed Warhorse to waltz off with an undeserved Oscar.

We Ranked Nic Cage’s Remakes & Sequels In Order Of Watchability

Jared Jones — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 15:00:41 +0000

If you were to throw a brick of cocaine, a 10 gallon bottle of battery acid, and the remains of John Wayne Gacy into a concrete mixer, then rig that concrete mixer with 100 pounds of C4, the resulting explosion would be roughly the equivalent of what runs through Nicolas Cage’s mind on a daily basis. The man is Hollywood’s answer to the current employment crisis in America, and would appear in your high school‘s Sexual Education PSA if the money was right.

The beast that is Nic Cage has acquired a taste for remakes, and every so often, a sequel. So with Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance shitting it’s way into 3rd place at the box office this past weekend (and claiming a 15% score on Rotten Tomatoes), we decided to have the Screenjunkies interns scan through his IMDB page so we could rank movie remakes and sequels in order of worst to best. The following list is dedicated to the interns who starved to death before they could make it to the bottom.

KILL IT WITH FIRE – The Wicker Man

Little can be said about a movie in which Mr. Cage viciously strikes a woman while wearing a bear suit, but we’re going to try nonetheless. Aside from the rampant acts of chauvinistic brutality that are depicted in the remake of Robin Hardy’s 1973 classic, 2006’s The Wicker Man featured perhaps the worst performance of Cage’s career, and that is saying something. Five Razzie nominations and a box office disaster later, the film would forever cast its star into a purgatory known as the internet meme from which he shall never truly return. If you ever find yourself within 25 yards of this movie, don’t stop running until you reach the CDC.

Stay the Hell Away From – Bangkok Dangerous

Back in 2008, Nicolas Cage skinned a dead raccoon that he found outside of his vacation home in Birmingham, Alabama. As a joke, he put it on his head and walked onto the set of Bangkok Dangerous. Nobody said a word, and four years later he has yet to take it off. More people enjoyed getting the Swine Flu than they did watching this remake of a 1999 Thai thriller, which scored a 9% on the Tomatometer. Sadly, this would not be Nic Cage’s worst rated film.

7 Movies That Make ‘The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo’ Look Like A Pixar Flick

Jared Jones — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:46:33 +0000

David Fincher’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was many things; it was a brilliantly filmed, exceptionally scored, and fairly faithful take on the 2009 Swedish original, which itself was based on the trilogy of novels penned by Stieg Larson. It was also a dark, twisted piece of storytelling that featured more than its fair share of rape, murder, and overall downer moments. And as we sat in our screening, crouched in the fetal position and begging for our favorite blankets, we got to thinking; what other movies had tested the limits of both our minds and stomachs? Here are the seven we were able to write down before the sickness overwhelmed us.

Seven Days

Also known as The Seven Days of Retaliation, this Canadian thriller tells the story of Bruno Hamel, a father overcome with the thirst for revenge in the wake of his pre-teen daughter’s rape and murder. After outsmarting the police and capturing the man responsible with relative ease, Bruno enacts a plan to torture the killer for seven days, at the end of which he will turn himself into the proper authorities. Brutal and unflinching, Seven Days features extended scenes of gut-wrenching torture. But don’t be confused, this is not your typical “torture porn” affair. It’s a multilayered tale depicting the effects of violence on both the victim and the inflictor, and a fantastic piece of indie filmmaking.

Megan is Missing

If you were too watch the first hour or so of this Michael Goi directed, handheld style drama/thriller, you would likely think it was a pointless, plodding story of two teenage girls. And you wouldn’t be that far off. The first two acts of this one (if you can even call them that) amount to little more than a series of video diaries and chat sessions between a young coke whore and her stereotypically virginal friend. But the last 25 minutes, you guys, the last 25 minutes. It isn’t often that we see a found footage film switch perspective to that of the killer, but this film makes it work in the worst way possible. Parents, show this one to your kids if you want to scare them from using the Internet, like, ever again.