In defense of Kevin James, I believe there’s more to him than just being the funny, round neighbor who finds himself in goofy situations. Deep down there’s a hidden De Niro behind all that pepperoni and pasta. I don’t want him to go down the road Adam Sandler is currently traveling, churning out bad comedy after bad comedy just for the quick buck. And I’m afraid with this Friday’s release of The zookeeper, a story about a zookeeper who has sex with (or maybe it’s talks with?) animals, that that’s exactly where he’s headed. Well no more, Mr. James. I’m here to help you. These are the roles you should be taking to guarantee your box office longevity, showing the world what you can truly do while earning some respect from film critics.

Handicapped, Intellectually Disabled Burn Victim

Playing a handicapped, disabled victim of a horrific accident is the perfect role for Kevin James. In Tears of a Cloud, Kevin plays Sgt. Lance Cantrill, an Iraq war veteran who saved his fellow soldiers during an attack, only to come home in a wheelchair with burns over 60% of his body and a grenade fragment stuck in his brain causing mental retardation. With a newborn baby on the way, James will have you weeping as he tries to reconnect with his family and friends while struggling to go back to his former life as a Hazmat diver.

Serial Killer

Know what’ buried beneath all of that fat? Complete and utter rage. For Killer at Extra-Large, James would terrify audiences playing a psychopathic madman who shows no mercy. Kidnapping, raping, torturing, raping again, then eating his victims, James would make Hannibal Lector look like a Sesame Street character. As a former federal forensic scientist who speaks nine different languages, James would become the world’s first global killer, traveling the planet searching for eastern European strippers and small Asian children to add to his growing collection of death. Only Daniel Day-Lewis has the smarts (and the acting ability) to try and capture former CIA specialist Dunky McHollister before Dunky can claim his 500^th victim. A guaranteed Oscar win for James that catapults him to the top of Hollywood’s most wanted.

Comeback Athlete

In Sweating Pride, James would inspire us all as Clark Legpowder, a former four-time Tour de France winner who found himself spiraling into a dark hole of depression after the death of his wife and children. If only the teenage amusement park attendant had followed safety protocols and checked all the Ferris Wheel cars before being told to shut the ride down during a thunderstorm, Clark’s wife and kids wouldn’t have been stuck at the very top, innocent statistics in a tragic accident. Having gained 300 pounds and losing his will to live, Clark finds new inspiration in Tobey, a ten year-old stuttering child with tuberculosis who teaches him that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Despite his heavy frame, and with only three weeks of training, Clark tells young Tobey that he will once again compete in the Tour de France and prove that the human spirit is the strongest f-f-f-f-force in the universe.

Fantasy Warrior

In “World of Lardassia” Kevin James would undergo months of hardcore bodybuilding and strength training to portray Kullnando, the fiercest barbarian warrior the lands of Lardassia have ever seen. A tan, ripped James moves like a panther, stealing treasures as he swiftly dispatches his enemies before bedding countless wenches in this hard ‘R’ three-picture fantasy adventure.

Kevin James, there’s more to you than your goofy comedy roles. I know you could pull off each of the characters I’ve described above and showcase your true talents to skeptics who only think of you as a one-trick comedian fatty pony. I know there’s greatness in you, Mr. James, and I can’t wait for the day when you prove to it to the world. Just please do it soon for I fear for our children’s dwindling taste in cinema.

Kevin James (most likely) loves to follow El Guapo on Twitter.

August 15^th, 2017

Yo yo yo,

What’s up, man? Long time no talk. I know, I know, I haven’t written in a long time. I’ve been busy you know? The future isn’t all flutes and unicorns prancing beside naked chicks or whatever it is you idiots back there think the future would look like. By the way, I found our kid Lamont Suzuki (again don’t ask.)

9 photos‘Transformers 3′ Rolls Out Shiny, New Stills

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. Hey jerkoff, don’t copy my sweet moves in Gears of War 9 for the X-Octo 1080, you butthole. You made me lose Ardingie points. Now I have to redo the entire level.

When Chicago was destroyed waaay back in Transformers: Dark of the Moon (remember that disaster?) Sam decided he missed Mikaela and in Transformers 5: Witreckoning, Sam and Mikaeal reunited after the Decepticons captured her and injected Herpes Bots into her body to try and infect the entire human race. They failed.

With the Autobots fleeing to Neptune, The Queenbots and Decepticons had formed a pact to rule the planet. The Queenbots would watch over the humans and take care of the day-to-day operations. The lawns were always freshly mowed, parades were run in a timely manner, the sushi was tightly rolled, and the Jewtrons had kept the world’s finances in order. But the Decepticons were not to be trusted. The Decepticons turned on the Queenbots, who couldn’t defeat Megatrontania. The QueenBots were ordered to reenter their world of Culo as hard and as fast as they could. The Decepticons now ruled the planet Earth.

Director Tony Scott, who has taken over for Michael Bay after Michael decided to reboot his Bad Boys franchise with a now grown Jaden Smith, can’t handle the scope of a Transformers movie. Using the latest Oxnard 6000 HD-I-D 3D INDEE SPINDEE FUNDEE technology, he planted the cameras in the ground, giving the audience a dead man’s view of the action. And with his camera sweeping and incessant zoom in/zoom out habits, you’re left feeling like someone stuffed you in a dryer and turned it on for two hours.

Things pick up in the second act when word reached Neptune that the planet eating Oprahcron was headed to Earth. Optimus and his new bride Vaglock (Transformers can now reproduce) have distanced themselves from the rest of the Autobots. PaulWalkerMax, leader of the Brobot faction, instructed the other Autobots to “Totally help Earth before someone gets hurt.” but nobody would listen to him, laughing every time he talked about his ancient battles with VinDieselitawn, a Transformer who played Dungeons & Dragons with humans and liked to eat hot dogs.

Optimus, who now calls himself a Trans-Amformer, hears about the threat when one of the Queenbots goes to Neptune and tells him that they made a mistake and the Decepticons are by themselves on Earth, destroying the planet. Optimus is furious at such news. He rises up slowly, camera panning up his body, still panning, Optimus is still rising, panning, rising as the light from the moons of Neptune glisten off the metallic golden eagle on his chestplate, camera still panning, rising….holy shit, is he ever going to…still panning up…Optimus is still risi…ok, Optimus, now fully erect, finds the other Autobots and tells them they must return to Earth and destroy the Decepticons once and for all while the Queenbots take care of Oprahcron.

The 3^rd act is a nightmare to try and follow, keeping up the tradition of previous Transformers movies. Robots are so closely packed I can’t tell if they’r fighting or screwing.

Human soldiers Tyrese and Josh Dumb-as-hell or whatever his name is, are still trying to shoot robots with machine guns. Tyrese, now with 50 million Flutter followers (Twitter was purchased by Flutter) Fluts his lines in the movie on his iPhone 10 instead of verbally speaking them. Audience members receive the Fluts on their phones while watching the movie.

The Queenbots attack Oprahcron by continuously jabbing her with their Robowangs. Oprahcron opens her mouth getting ready to swallow all of the Queenbots but they quickly enter her from behind and begin to destroy her from within. Oprahcron starts to explode, her eyes bulge as white hot liquid metal exits from all of her orifices.

In the end, the Decepticons are defeated and the Autobots regain control. The human race is saved. Or is it? After the credits, a shot of a giant mysterious Transformer is seen talking to a fleeing Megatrontonia. Who could it be? We’ll have to wait and see when Transformers 8: Putain De Bordel De Merde! opens in 2018.

Rating: D+

Alright man, I’m out. Hope you and your readers dug this future review of Transformers 7: The Bright Side of Neptune. I’ll try and send you future reviews in the…well, in the future. Oh, before I go, be sure to wear a condom on December 4^th, 2012. I love our kid but the little bastard just escaped again and I’m really wondering if I should go look for him or wait for that “Oh no, not Lamont.” reaction I’ll have when the police call.

Later,

You. I mean me.

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