‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ will try to stake Pixar’s ‘The Brave’ at the box office. *Gasps*

In ‘Horns’, LaBeouf will play a guy who wakes up from a night of heavy drinking with a pair of horns growing from his head. I’ve had worse hangovers.

The star of ‘Taken’ may not be back to reprise his role in ‘Taken 2′. Maybe sequel co-writer/producer Luc Besson will kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter until he says “yes?”

As Paula Abdul and a cartoon cat instruct us: opposites attract.

The ‘Jackass’ star has backed out of the Farrelly Brothers’ reboot of ‘The Three Stooges’, but may become an official mustache rider instead.

She will direct the film adaptation of Liz Tuccillo’s book ‘How to Be Single’ for New Line, which is one of those multi-story movies like ‘Valentine’s Day’ (groaaaan).

Science tells us that the immense popularity of ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ was bound to inspire a film called ‘Revenge of the Jocks’ sooner or later.

The Queen of the Malfunctioning Wardrobe scored a 1-picture deal with Lionsgate. I want to know how nasty it will be.

What would get primarily indie filmmaker Richard Linkletter to helm a big budget remake of ‘The Incredible Mr. Limpet’? I’m guessing millions of dollars in worms.

Johnny Depp looks a little… concerned in the new poster. Maybe it’s because a burning ship is eventually gonna hit him in the back.

The Kraken was nothing compared to tween girls desperately in need of a new ‘Twilight’. Even so, Warner Bros is acting bravely, pitting their ‘Titans’ against ‘Hunger Games’.

Will Forte continues to get jobs, despite the illogical failure of the movie ‘MacGruber’.

Like a beloved uncle who hits the sauce too much, Zemeckis has gotten drunk on motion capture technology. Now it looks like he might sober-up and stop putting actors into ping-pong ball suits.

A mysterious viral campaign for a J.J. Abrams project? Impossible.

Every young actress in Hollywood is after the lead in ‘Hunger Games’, based on the first in a series of dystopian novels by Suzanne Collins, that are apparently similar to – what else? – ‘Twilight’.

His touring one-man show is called “Charlie Sheen LIVE: My Violent Torpedo of Truth.” I assume the tour is sponsored by Tiger Blood.

You saw the trailer, now check out this mysterious poster for a film that’s clearly at the intersection of Abrams Drive and Spielberg Blvd, near What All The Best 80′s Kids Movies Were Like Municipal Park.

The LAPD are at Charlie Sheen’s house right now. No, they’re not there for the tiger blood.

Like Robocop’s one-man mission to eliminate crime in Detroit, relatively unknown writer Josh Zetumer has also been given a gargantuan task: write a new version of the it’s-exactly-perfect-as-it-is film ‘Robocop’.

If the Farrelly’s screw this one up, angry Three Stooges fans will not be giving them a hall pass.

Somewhere, deep below the surface of the earth, there is a heavily guarded vault containing all of J.J. Abrams story secrets… and one just left.

You know what sounded cool? Trent Reznor writing the music, and acting in, the upcoming ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’. You know what sucks? That’s not actually happening.

ABC cast O’Quinn (‘Lost’) in the new pilot “Hallelujah.” It’s a musical drama from “Desperate Housewives” showrunner Marc Cherry, so if O’Quinn wasn’t in it, I would find a way to anti-TiVO the show.

Catwoman and Bane might get a new evil roommate in the upcoming Batman film. Someone from “way back.”

‘Gambit’ stars Cameron Diaz and Colin Firth in a remake of a 1986 British heist film. This is a remake that actually looks promising.

The nails-on-chalkboard-annoying actress/singer/person-who-needs-people teams with Seth Rogen for ‘My Mother’s Curse’ for next year.

Someone in the UK could chisel this painting out of the wall, title it “Sour Grapes” and sell it for big bucks.

In the new episode of his “Sheen’s Korner” web series, Sheen gave his audience what they wanted: craziness, somewhat higher production values, and more craziness.

‘Hobbit’ set preview: Gandalf The Well-Bearded had some kind words for the third, headache inducing dimension, as well as leading man Martin Freeman.

Fans of explosions and arm-breakings may be upset that Sylvester Stallone will likely not be directing the sequel to his smash-hit brainchild, ‘The Expendables’.