Screen Junkies » David Dietle Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 03 Oct 2014 17:28:29 +0000 en hourly 1 Junk Destruction: 8 Horrifying Scenes Of Movie Genital Mutilation Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:35:48 +0000 David Dietle This was not a fun article to write.

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There is nothing funnier than men getting hit in the nuts; America’s Funniest Home Videos has lasted nearly a century without cancellation based on that fact alone. On the other hand, the utter destruction of a man’s genitals is the the best way to make a theater full of men cringe and screech like teenage girls. The following are the absolute worst instances of junk-destruction to ever grace the silver screen or straight-to-video.


This one is a bit of a cheat, as it was off camera, but in the final scene of Braveheart, that wacky, anti-Semitic bastard was not only gutted, they lopped off his Willie Wallace. Okay, I may be getting Mel Gibson mixed up with one of his characters, but if he can do it, I can too.

Hostel:  Part II

I’m going to level with you here; I have only seen the first Hostel. Based on that though, I can guess roughly that part two went something like this; Americans in Europe, probably with backpacks. They meet some people, turns out those people have something to do with a torture racket, and people get cut up after 30 minutes of tit shots. Close? I figured.  

Oh, but I mention it because a dude gets his meat cut off and fed to a dog. Cut off with shears. I’m going to go out on a limb and say someone said some mean things to Eli Roth when he was a kid.

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Amazing Letter From A Slave (Darth Vader) To His Former Master (Watto) Thu, 02 Feb 2012 18:47:01 +0000 David Dietle Amazing!

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Recently, this letter from a freed slave to his former master has been making the rounds on the Internet. As such, we thought we’d bring your attention to another letter written by a former slave to his old owner.

In the year 35, Watto of Tatooine wrote to his former slave, Anakin Skywalker, and requested the he come back and work in his shop.  Anakin – who, since being rescued and raised by the Jedi, had moved to Coruscant, had found paid work as a Sith lord and was now ruling the known universe with an iron fist along with Emperor Palpatine – responded spectacularly by way of hologram transcribed below (a letter which, according to Bothan spies, he dictated).


August 7, 30

To My Old Master, Watto, Mos Espa, Tatooine

Sir: I got your letter, and was surprised to find you had not forgotten Anakin, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than anybody else can.  Apparently you missed that I have long since become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. I thought my troops would have burned you to a skeleton when they were on Tatooine a few years back, but since they didn’t shoot down an escape pod that contained devastating information about the Empire, I guess it’s understandable that they missed my order to turn you into a smear, too. Although you sold me to Jedi who taught me how to use the Force and a lightsaber, you were still an asshat, and I was pleased at the thought that you had perished. Although you never actually hurt me, I would have been pleased to find you had suffered. I never missed my old home, it was a hole, and you might want to tell the bots, the Jawas and that fat woman with the six boobs that hangs around your shop to keep their distance; the crater that will be left in your wake will be substantial. In fact, the whole planet will be gone. And they aren’t Jedi so I won’t be seeing them in the next life. I still recall the last time I saw you. You looked (and smelled) like shit.

I was wondering what you thought you could offer me; you smelling like a flying turd and me being telekinetic. I am doing tolerably well as the vice president of evil. I don’t need money, and I get the best food available, period, and a comfortable space station with my now deceased wife, Padme, – the folks called her Senator. And I even have a son, Luke, although we are not on good terms. Obi Wan says the boy has a good head for a Jedi. I am feared, as it should be. I overheared others on Alderaan saying “Darth Vader was a slave.” But I feel no disgrace (plus, we blew the shit out of Alderaan.)

As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as Qui Gon Jin bought me back when I was a kid. I propose a test to see if I should bother sending a detachment of Imperial Walkers to that dust ball to turn you into agonized plasma or not by asking for the wages for the time me and my mother served you. At unlimited resources for me, and not being dead for my mother, I served you faithfully for 10 years, and my mother, what was it, 40 something? Before that, our earning would amount to you being SO f*cking dead. Add to that the interest for the time our wages have been kept back, and deduct what you paid for me being born, clothing and feeding us, and the year or two my mom took care of all your shit before you sold her. Please send the money Smuggler’s Express, in care of Mango Fett, fabulous Bounty Hunter and Designer. Here I am nigh a supreme ruler with the full powers of the dark side at my disposal; but on Tatooine, there was never a pay-day for the human slaves any more than for banthas and dewbacks. Surely there will be a day of reckoning for those who defraud a laborer of his hire. (and your is coming pretty fast)

In answering this letter, please state if there would be any safety for my Leia, who is now grown up and I hear wears metal bikinis. You know how it was with that Twi’Lek chick over at Jabba’s. I would rather stay here and be waited on hand and foot than to… Okay, I can’t keep up the charade. My kid’s not going to Tatooine, and you’ll be dead shortly after reading this.

Say howdy to Qui Gon when you are dead and thank him for winning me from you.

From your old servant,

Anakin Skywalker Darth Vader

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Lame: 13 Celebrities Hospitalized For “Exhaustion” Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:38:52 +0000 David Dietle I've been Tweeting all day. Take me to the hospital!

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If you have seen any entertainment news at all in the past day and a half, then you know that Demi Moore was just treated for “exhaustion,” a dire condition suffered by rich assholes who have forgotten what stress was like, and now lose their shit when they encounter some. Okay, maybe that was a little harsh; it’s entirely possible that they are simply covering up something embarrassing/illegal with the exhaustion, which is basically the philosophy degree of medical ailments. For instance, Demi probably bent her penis grudge-f*cking Ashton’s replacement, and Tracy Morgan‘s body probably rejected the clean mountain air of Park City, Utah, what with its lack of inhalants and ozone-depleting levels of vaporous Mormonism.

(Update: Turns out Demi was actually hospitalized after huffing nitrous oxide. Really, whip-its? You’re a millionaire, not a 13-year-old boy loitering behind a Missouri Walmart.) explains “exhaustion” as follows:

Most people feel tired after a busy day, but bona fide medically diagnosed exhaustion is something else entirely. Exhaustion may also be described as fatigue, languidness, lassitude, listlessness, lethargy and languor. Fatigue or exhaustion symptoms are reported by the patient as opposed to being something that is observed by others, which would be a sign instead of a symptom.

Okay, so now I’m more confused than I was, although likely the person writing that was suffering from being retarded.

Demi and Tracy are just the latest to come down with exhaustion. There is a veritable army of celebrities who have checked themselves in to hospitals because life was too tough at the top of a pile of money.

Mariah Carey

Back in 2001, Mariah Carey checked into a hospital because she was tired. I’m sorry, “extreme exhaustion,” which is probably exhaustion dyed bright green, base jumping. She did it again in 2002, and her PR people assured the world that it was because she was overworked, and totally not because she was having psychological problems, which, of course, means she was likely losing her shit. Her PR people apparently come from the school of thought where they think the best way to divert attention from something is to call attention to it. If she had publicly crapped her pants, they would have said she changed her pants due to exhaustion, not because she shat herself on stage.

Selena Gomez

As bad as I would love to rip on her, I will take it easy on Ms. Gomez. First off, she’s just a kid (what is she? 15?), and I do buy that a barely-legal girl who has spent the last several years in front of a camera might actually be malnourished. It’s not like mom set her up to make the best decisions, seeing as how her mom stuck her with freaking Barney when she was 10. That type of thing leads to all kinds of “different” behavior, like dating other girls. Kudos to her mom for being open minded, though. I’m sure Justin will one day make Selena a great wife. Just get the kid a damn cheeseburger.

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6 Technologies That Would Have Kept ‘The Matrix’ Safe From Neo Mon, 23 Jan 2012 17:11:37 +0000 David Dietle Ever heard of a "firewall," guys?

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The Matrix movies have now been around long enough to qualify as “classics,” whether you liked the sequels or not. As such, there are many of us “enthusiasts” that have sat and watched them enough times to notice that while Larry and Andy Wachowski may know a thing or two about framing Jesus as a Kung-Fu master who likes 9 millimeters, they apparently knew shit about computers when they wrote the ground-breaking series. Here is a list of technologies that existed when the Matrix movies were written and that my almost 10 years of experience in IT tells me would have buttoned up the series in no time.

Hardened Electronics

I am going to start off by stepping out of the Matrix world for a second to explore something equally as iconic; James Bond. I am going to guess that if you have not been living off your own excrement for the past 20 years, you have at least a passing knowledge of the movie Goldeneye.  If you do, you might remember part of the plot involved a pre-”Jean Grey” Famke Jansen stealing a helicopter using her thighs. The whole reason she and the other villains took it was because it was “hardened”, meaning it was built with electronics that could shrug off the radiation ionization caused by a sudden pulse of electromagnetism… otherwise known as an “EMP”, the human resistance’s sole weapon against the machines in the real world. I mention this because Goldeneye came out years before the first Matrix movie, and the ideas behind that whole thing have been around since the Cold War was actually a thing, meaning that the machines would probably A) have a working knowledge of hardening and B) would probably work that shit into every last piece of hardware they built. Think about it, you have access to technology that makes you essentially impervious to your enemy, why not use it?

Packet Sniffers

For anyone who has ever set up a network, home or otherwise, we all know security is a big deal. Even if you just know that “they” can sneak around your network if you don’t secure it, you are at least somewhat aware of the fact that there are programs out there that let people look at information passing from computer to computer and analyze it. Given the right kind of thinking and hardware, they can pull your personal information right out of thin air, right? Like maybe a giant godamn hovercraft broadcasting information into your network? The basic idea is that the machines likely could have looked at the data passing between these ships and their own network to find out who is poking around in their system and kill them. Or, you know, use a freaking firewall.

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9 Things We Might Know About The Alien/Prometheus Space Jockey Tue, 27 Dec 2011 18:35:57 +0000 David Dietle Here's what we think we know so far...

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Alien is a science fiction classic. It introduced the world at large to a good number of incredible talents, like Sigourney Weaver, Ridley Scott, and H.R. Giger’s cavalcade of biomechanical boners with teeth.

But there is one creature from the film that hasn’t received a great deal of attention: the Space Jockey. However, thanks to Ridley Scott’s upcoming Prometheus, it’s about to become a lot more high profile.

In case you are unfamiliar with the term “Space Jockey” let me bring you up to speed. If you have seen the original Alien, he is the creature fused to a giant gun/telescope/penis thing found on the derelict ship by Tom Skerrit, Veronica Cartwright and John Hurt. He is also referred to by some as “the pilot.”

In the original movie, he did nothing more than be dead and give a hint to what was going to happen to at least one character later in the film (IE, explode). However, just like Star Wars with its crazy Expanded Universe, the Alien franchise has grown independent of the movie series, like a geeky fungus filled with extra apostrophes in names and back stories the original creators never dreamed of, not to mention some weird tidbits they did imagine and just left out of the film. So, after researching a lot of this mumbo jumbo, here are nine things we might know about the Space Jockey.

The Space Jockey Was Big (But Not That Big)

20th Century Fox, being the budget minded (AKA, “Cheap as hell”) people they are, didn’t want to spend any more than they had to on the sets of Alien, especially one that lasts a matter of minutes. They conceded to some of the money for the scene, but a certain amount of creativity had to be used while shooting, which in layman’s terms means they built a single wall for the set.

The entire set was hand-airbrushed by Giger, partially to save money, but mostly because he is/was dead set against anyone screwing with his art, and the only person he trusted to do it right was himself. The fact that the creature appears to be sitting on a chair built into a disc is not an accident; it was constructed that way so they could rotate the set and get different angles of the actors, all the while using the one wall Fox gave them the money for.

Imagine having to write an essay, but for budgetary reasons, removing the letters U and M from your keyboard. That is what Fox left them with, but luckily since science fiction movies are 90% bullshit anyway, an extra 1% never hurt anyone.

The ultimate cost-cutter for the scene, and the major part that sold the Jockey as some massive, elephantine alien creature was that Ridley Scott put his kids into scaled down space suits while filming. That way, they were able to squeeze some extra virtual feet out of the set and make the Jockey look like it would be 20 feet tall if he were standing.

In The Comics, They Are Intergalactic Dicks

Because no sci-fi franchise will ever be safe from its own fans, the success of Aliens lead to a comic-book series about them. The story eventually took the characters (originally Hicks and Newt, but later changed to Wilks and Billy because the movies… um… killed the original characters) to the alien home world where they run in to the Space Jockey, in this case, completely alive.

In this story, the living Jockey communicates with the humans! (Cool!) He’s telepathic! (Awesome!) He wants to help them kill the hated aliens (Sweet!) And then he and his boys are going to totally enslave the human race and turn their planet into a frozen hell-hole. (Supe- Wait, what?)

Yes, in the comic-book series, the Space Jockeys were tools that wanted the “aliens” gone, but only because they were like an acid-filled small pox screwing up their game of conquest. Kind of makes you like them better when they’re dead on the penis-cannon.

In Another Comic, They Have An (Unpronounceable) Name (Mala’kak)

In 2005, yet another comic-book spin off was created, and this time, they decided that the Space Jockeys probably would have a different name, mostly because they probably, being aliens, had a different name for “space” and likely had no godamn clue what a “jockey” was. The name they came up with was “Mala’kak,” because ever since someone took the time to create a language for Klingons, alien words need to have at least one apostrophe to appear “genuine.”

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