Check out the ¡Rob! Bingo card.

The King of Queens

The best and most recent example of this phenomenon occurred on the hit CBS series The King of Queens. The notion that gigantic delivery man Doug Heffernan could score cute, busty Carrie was pushing fiction to the extreme. However, Doug was funny and charming, and as the writers at Screen Junkies all know, cute women prize a sense of humor over good looks any day of the week. Of course, Doug also put up with Carrie’s insane father Arthur, so that scored him some points.

Friends

It’s become fashionable over the years to bash Friends as overrated. The truth, however, is that the middle years of the show hold up quite well, both in writing and acting. But not even ten Oscar winners could convince me that Rachel Green was so hung up on giant dork Ross Gellar. Even if you do buy into the notion of one of the hottest women in America getting knocked up by a palaeontologist, I submit exhibit B: Monica and Chandler. This show was bordering on Sci-Fi.

The film is directed by Joe Johnston, better known for last summer’s Captain America: The First Avenger. That film’s success probably had more to do with this Blu-ray release than the “20th Anniversary” milestone quoted on the cover. But however it happened, it’s nice to finally get The Rocketeer in high definition.

How does it look? Good, if not great. Certainly the picture is miles above the previous DVD release, but it is still a bit washed out compared to other Blu-ray transfers from the early 90′s. But the sound is excellent; as good as I’ve ever heard the film.

The only real disappointment with this release is that it contains the film, a trailer, and nothing else. I know The Rocketeer wasn’t a huge hit for Disney, but certainly they could have sweetened the package a bit for the die hard fans. Any behind the scenes clips or deleted scenes would have helped make it a better value than the previous DVD, which also featured zero special features. To call it the “20th Anniversary” edition and feature just the trailer is kind of a cruel tease.

Still, how does the film hold up after all these years? It’s still slightly corny, but a lot of fun. By making the movie an earnest slice of pre-WW II nostalgia, Johnston gave it a timeless feel, respectful of it’s comic book roots and engaging to audiences of any age. Hopefully, this release will help expand The Rocketeer’s devoted fan base, and by the time the 30th Anniversary rolls around, we’ll get some extras we can celebrate. The Rocketeer is available in stores now, with a SRP of $26.50.

While a franchise reboot is more likely than a non-Bruce Wayne Batman, I could see Christopher Nolan having the stones to try. But would Warner Brothers follow through and present us a Batman film featuring a lead other than Bruce Wayne? Not likely, but we like to dream, so here are eleven contenders for the bat-cowl from over 70 years of Batman history. Some are realistic, some are not, but all have played the part of Batman at one time or another.

Dick Grayson

Who better to replace Batman than his original sidekick, the very first Robin? Dick Grayson has been groomed for the role since his first appearance in 1940. In the 80′s, the character left the Robin costume behind and became the hero Nightwing, but he’s had two opportunities since then to fill in as the Dark Knight. The most recent was during the presumed death of Bruce Wayne in DC Comic’s Final Crisis storyline , and Grayson was so popular in the role he kept the Batman identity for nearly three years, a record for anyone not named Bruce Wayne.

Jean Paul Valley

The Dark Knight Rises seems to be inspired by the 90′s Batman storyline Knightfall, in which Bane crippled Bruce Wayne and he needed to step aside to recover. During that time, Jean Paul Valley, also known as Azrael,  became the new Batman. It stared to go haywire when Valley altered the bat suit into the armored monstrosity above, and got even worse when he went insane and started brutalizing petty crooks. Eventually, Bruce Wayne returned to for his old gig, allowing Azrael to redeem himself as a hero, which he eventually did. The armored Batman costume has remained un-redeemed, however.

Jason Todd

The second Robin, Jason Todd, had a whole lot of middle-child syndrome and even worse luck to go with it. After getting killed by the Joker, Todd was resurrected using comic book mumbo jumbo even I can’t comprehend, and eventually made a play at becoming a murderous, gun toting Batman. This sort if thing is loads of fun while reading The Punisher, but its frowned upon in a Batman book. The other former Robins (of which there are a surprisingly high number) teamed up and took him down before he could disgrace the name. Then they got pizza, and discussed green shorts.

Not everyone was happy to see the early footage though, including 20th Century Fox chairman Tom Rothman. Rothman told the press that the leak was “heartbreakingly unfair” to the finished product. We’re not sure why he’s worried. Most people are smart enough to understand that a grainy bootleg doesn’t represent what a finished film will look like, and if anything the hype generated by the trailer has boosted the film’s profile. Still, we appreciate his concern for the integrity of all of Fox’s cinematic art, especially since the last several years have taken a hammer to that sterling reputation. Here are nine Fox studios moments we found a bit more heartbreaking than the Prometheus trailer.

The Day the Earth Stood Still Gets Remade

The original The Day the Earth Stood Still is a sci-fi classic that has aged beautifully. The story, dealing with an alien race that has come to wipe out humanity before we can harm other planets with Nuclear weapons, has an anti-war message as relevant now as it was sixty years ago. Naturally, Fox decided to remake the film, only this time leaving out the strong characterization or storytelling. When a Keanu Reeves performance is only the 4th worst thing about your film, you know you have a problem. Instead of just promoting a gem of its back catalogue with a nice new DVD release, Fox forced out this turd of a remake, which not only tanked at the box office, but will likely harm the original’s reputation in the memories of future generations of film fans.

Avatar… in 3-D!

Avatar was a fine film. Its massive success has generated some backlash, and it certainly isn’t perfect, but it’s an entertaining, watchable movie, if maybe a bit too long. None of this is heartbreaking. What is heartbreaking is that it was released in 3-D… and became the highest grossing film ever. This has inspired every studio, especially Fox, to churn it out their new action films in 3-D, whether they were filmed with that in mind or not. This may grab the studios a few extra bucks per ticket in the short term, but it is turning away film goers who either get headaches from 3-D effects or are tired of paying extra for an effect they don’t want. James Cameron made 3-D an essential part of Avatar, and he labored for years to make sure every shot was gorgeous. For most of the rest however, its a cheap gimmick that is fun for a few minutes and quickly becomes annoying.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is Leaked- In Its Entirety

As stressed out as they are over a leaked trailer, imagine how pissed off Fox was in 2009 when Wolverine was released on the net, in it’s entirety. Fox tried to spin it as an early work print with unfinished special effects, but there were few noticeable differences in the finished film. Worst of all, fans who were honest and paid to see Wolverine were rewarded with two hours of incomprehensible garbage that nearly sunk the X-Men franchise. As if Fox hadn’t already killed enough good will with X-Men: The Last Stand, three years earlier. It all worked out in the end, however, as the recent X-Men: First Class has righted the ship, and Fox has no doubt upped their security to keep such leaks from happening again. Except when it comes to bootlegged trailers.

Like its predecessor, Fright Night tells the story of a high school student who is absolutely convinced his creepy new neighbor is a blood thirsty vampire. Deciding to protect his single mom and girlfriend, he teams up with a sleazy Vegas performer (David Tennant) and preps to battle a small army of the undead.

The visuals are slick, and the gore is plentiful, although the high definition tends to let some of the CGI work stand out more than it should. The audio is solid, and pops as you’d expect it to during the action scenes. The two disc combo pack also features a DVD edition of the film. And you can shell out a few more bucks for a 3D edition if that sort of thing floats your boat.

The extras on the disc are varied. You get five deleted scenes, a couple featurettes, bloopers and a music video. The disc also features one of the more unique extras I’ve encountered, in the form of an audio track for the visually impaired. Essentially, the track provides a reader who describes everything happening on screen while not interrupting dialogue. And when I say everything, I mean it. If you ever wanted wanted to hear a vivid description of the Touchstone Entertainment logo, now is your chance.

So is it worth it? Yes, if you enjoy horror with a good mix of comedy. The acting and action sequences are good throughout the film, even if the pace moves a bit quicker than necessary. Although I think Fright Night missed some opportunities to separate itself from the vampire pack, it’s still a step above most recent horror films, and certainly most recent horror remakes. It won’t make any die-hard fans forget the original, but the movie is by no means an embarrassment to the name.

Fright Night is now available in stores, with an SRP of $39.99 for the Blu ray/ DVD combo pack.

Underage Drinking: A National Concern

When the gang starts letting high school kids drink at the bar, it opens up a potential disaster for everyone, but especially Dennis. A high school senior blackmails him into taking her to the prom, and she threatens to tell the cops about Paddy’s newly liberal I.D. policy if Dennis doesn’t comply. Although the girl in question claims to be 18, Dennis is still nervous and shows resistances to dating her, acknowledging how wrong it seems. This little bit of conscience he displays doesn’t last throughout the series, however.

Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom

Dennis is alarmed to discover that Mac has slept with his mom. He is even more horrified to discover that his attempts at revenge sex with Mac’s Mom and later Charlie’s mom are roundly rejected. His willingness to sleep with either of these women just for revenge is pretty disgusting, and is one of the early red flags at how detached Dennis is from intimacy.

The Aluminum Monster Vs. Fatty McGoo

Upon learning that a former high school classmate has hit it big with a women’s clothing store, Dennis tries to sell her his fashion designs, which mostly consist of his crude drawings of large breasted women (these drawings appear repeatedly). The most fascinating moment of the episode comes when Dennis, while having his designs turned down, reveals that the words “no”, “don’t” and “stop” never work on him, because he’s “a winner.” The second most fascinating moment comes when Dennis puts on lipstick and a dress and attempts to model the clothes himself. It’s bizarre, disquieting and awesome rolled into one.

Well, that was the idea. And then die hard Muppet fans tore me a new asshole. I post these comments in the hope of defending my actions, and perhaps ending all the hard feelings I’ve generated. Or at the very least, preventing anyone else from keying “Muppet Hater” into the side of my car. Seriously guys, that was harsh.

Thomas Powers

OK, lets address this first: I never claimed to be a Muppet expert, but I do consider myself a fan. As a child of the 80′s, I was raised on The Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, and The Muppets Take Manhattan. It was the latter film that inspired me to start Ohio‘s first and most celebrated Dabney Coleman Fan Club. Aside from this, I had an impressive array of Muppet stuffed toys, as well as the complete collection of Muppet Babies McDonald’s Happy Meal figures. Any or all of these credentials qualify me to look up Muppets I’m less familiar with on Wikipedia and report what I’ve found to the general public. Also, Tom, my article wasn’t a “review” of the film at all. Just intended as a helpful tool!

Stephanie Foresta

I got a lot of complaints for including Pepe. Apparently, since being introduced in the 90′s on Muppets Tonight, Pepe has become a high profile Muppet. I apologize for any perceived slight to Pepe fans. I have nothing against the character, I was simply trying to identify him for the small percentage of Americans who haven’t watched a new Muppet film or show since 1988. There are only a few of us, but we have rights too. As for not liking my commentary, fair enough. I also never claimed to be funny. If it’s any consolation, Stefanie, I get paid in rubbing alcohol.

Andrew Darren Whitakker

I got a few responses along these lines. One said “worst Muppet list ever,” and perhaps it is. I certainly haven’t read every Muppet-related list ever written, but I could see mine being on the lower end. Bottom 20%, easy. However, I do take exception to it being called “one of the worst lists”. This implies that my work is being judged amongst every list ever written, on any topic. Surly the Internet has provided thousands of lists worse than mine. Many of them are on this very site!

Crazy Harry

Crazy Harry is known for his love of explosions. This may not qualify exactly as pyromania, but it was close enough for the original Muppet producers to shift his character to the background after The Muppet Show’s first few years. He did have a great cameo in the original Muppet Movie, however, and will be on hand (hopefully with dynamite) in the new film.

Lew Zealand

Although most casual Muppet fans don’t know his name, Lew Zealand is pretty recognizable as the Muppet with the amazing boomerang fish. He’s also very creepy in his appearance. Still though, at least he doesn’t have an explosives fetish, like Harry.

Pepe the King Prawn

This bizarre character is relatively new to the Muppet world, first appearing on Muppet’s Tonight. Pepe has a heavy Spanish accent, and takes great pride in being a Prawn, as opposed to a shrimp. In fact, he looks down upon shrimp, which pretty much makes him the only bigoted Muppet, except of course for Big Bird, who hates Mexicans.

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Charlie Gets Crippled

Frank makes his first appearance, and promptly tells his children, Dennis and Dee, that their mother is dead. He then admits that their mom is only divorcing him, and the death hoax was his way of softening the blow. Frank decides to remake his life as “part of the gang,” hanging out at stripclubs with Mac and Charlie and even moving into Charlie’s disgusting apartment.

Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

When Frank learns that the children he had raised as his own were fathered by another man, he goes off the deep end. He also suffers a mild stroke, which could explain some of his behavior in recent years. This episode also features Frank recklessly firing a gun indoors, something which would become a hilarious staple of seasons to come.

Dennis and Dee’s Mom is Dead

Frank once again tells Dennis and Dee that their mother is dead, only this time it’s the truth. Any normal person would be saddened or at least shocked, but Frank is so elated by the news that he pops open a bottle of Champagne. Later, his joy crashes hard as learns his dead ex-wife has left most of his fortune to her former lover (and the biological father of the twins). Frank launches a con in order to get the money back, which leads him to almost marry Dee, the woman he raised as his daughter. He really wanted that money.

Charlie Chaplin

Charlie Chaplin is widely considered one of the greatest comedic performers to have ever lived. Unfortunately J. Edgar Hoover wasn’t known for his sense of humor (except that time he wore white after Labor Day). Chaplin was known for supporting left-wing causes, and this led Hoover to bar his re-entry in to the Untied States after Chaplin attended the London premier of the film “Limelight” in 1952. Chaplin took the hint and made himself comfortable in Europe for the remainder of his life, except for his return to the U.S. in 1972 to accept an honorary Academy Award. This occurred one month before Hoover’s death, which makes it one of the coolest “f*ck you” moments in history.

Jean Seberg

Actress Jean Seberg appeared in everything from “Breathless” to “Airport.” Along with being well regarded by critics and audiences, she was a major supporter of The Black Panthers. Hoover wasn’t on board the soul train, apparently, and in 1970 he had false stories planted in the media accusing Seberg of infidelity. This occurred during Seberg’s first marriage and pregnancy, and preceeded the death of her infant child and her eventual suicide in 1979. So in addition to developing law enforcement techniques for the 20th century, J. Edgar Hoover also paved the way for the Internet bully.

How does it look and sound on Blu-Ray? Superb. The picture is sharp and clear, but not as artificially bright as many Blu-Ray transfers of older films seem to be. The end result reminds you that you are watching something on film, with the rich color textures that film should provide. The sound is very good. On a good sound system, Isabella Rossellini’s song will still stun you, and Dean Stockwell’s song will still make you want to hide under your bed.

The extras are solid, but many of them are reused from the 2005 Special Edition DVD. This includes a documentary, and a clip from Siskel & Ebert‘s original review of the film. The clip is notable as Roger Ebert did not like Blue Velvet, and was vocal about his disdain for it. Gene Siskel defended the film, but it was interesting to see a negative review included in a film’s home video edition, and it demonstrates the confidence Lynch has in his work.

The main draw in the extras is a whopping 50 minutes of lost footage that has been restored, edited and scored for this package. The footage is fascinating. You can see why it was left out of the movie, but any fan Blue Velvet or Lynch will still want to soak it in. The extra scenes are presented out of context, one after another, which still makes them more coherent than about half of Lynch’s other films.

Blue Velvet’s 25th Anniversary Blu-Ray is released Tuesday, November 8th, with a SRP on 24.99. It’s worth upgrading for the new picture, and certainly for the newly released footage.

And to be clear, we’re not just kicking a man when he’s down. Check out 9 Reasons Eddie Murphy Is A Comic Genius.

Another 48 Hours

Walter Hill‘s 48 Hours is an action comedy classic. It’s surprisingly violent for the genre, and it features a “star is born” performance from Eddie Murphy, only a couple years before he took over the world with Beverly Hills Cop. This 1990 follow up had the same director and stars, but none of the urgency or hunger. The film winds up feeling as lazy as its title, with the same bits redone over and over. The ending is kind of fun, but this movie is the beginning of a long decline for Eddie.

The Haunted Mansion

In the summer of 2003, Disney had a surprise smash hit with a film adaptation of one of their famous theme park rides, Pirates of the Caribbean. They must of been super excited knowing they had this comedy take on another of their classic rides waiting in the wings for the fall. And then The Haunted Mansion opened and fell like a rock. The Pirates franchise spawned three hit sequels, with more on the way. The Haunted Mansion continues to be a popular ride at Disney World, and the DVD of the film is a staple of discount bins everywhere.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash

Unlike most people, I have actually watched Pluto Nash. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon, it was on cable, and I thought, “How bad can it be?” The sad truth is: It’s not the worst movie ever. It just isn’t remarkable or fun. Bad movies are normally a dime a dozen, except that Pluto Nash cost $110 Million, and it made back about 7 million. This turd put a stink on Eddie’s career he’s still rinsing off.

Origin:

Often the most terrifying thing about a villain is their origin story. Michael Myers began his pattern of serial killings as a six-year-old boy in the quiet town of Haddonfield, Illinois. Mike Myers, however, launched his career from the place we least expected: Canada. I’m numb with fear just thinking about it.

Point: Mike Myers

Body Count:

The easiest way to gauge horror factor is by shear number of kills. Michael Myers has this wrapped up, with an on screen body count dating back to 1978 and nearing triple digits as of 2009‘s Halloween 2 remake. But while he might lack quantity in this department, Mike Myers more than makes up for it in quality. His most famous movie kill occurred when he (off screen) murdered the Sprockets film project in 2000, dashing the hopes of Dieter fans everywhere, and destroying David Hasselhoff‘s plans to install a swimming pool with his Sprocket’s cameo check. The deaths of dozens of fictional babysitters edge this out… barely.

Point: Michael Myers

The Punisher is described as an hour-long procedural with a Marvel signature and a new take on one of the comic book giant’s iconic characters, Frank Castle, a rising star detective with the New York Police Department who moonlights as the vigilante Punisher, seeking justice for those the system has failed.

What? Procedural?

I was under the impression that the Punisher was a former marine and war vet who loses his family in a mob hit gone wrong, and then spends his life punishing violent criminals. Now he’s going to be a cop? Why is Fox developing The Punisher at all when they just plan to remake Dexter? I hope this new procedural features a smart allecky police captain who makes Punisher work late, and possibly a hip goth crime lab chick who he can flirt with.

The character has been adapted three times as a film, and although each film had its good points, none of them were a hit. Why this concept is so hard to crack is baffling. Here’s the recipe to a great Punisher story:

Step 1: Show an awful villain beyond redemption committing horrific acts.

Step 2: Show the Punisher killing this villain.

Step 3: Rinse, repeat.

Maybe this show will prove me wrong, and will actually be a kick ass adaptation of my favorite comic book. But it isn’t off to a promising start.

The Other

The 1972 film follows the adventures of two young twin brothers in a depression-era farm town. Niles and Holland Perry recently lost their father, and Holland is acting out, but his pranks become more and more deadly. Beneath everything is a twisted secret that turns the film on its ear. The Other also features a pre-Three’s Company John Ritter in a small role. No Don Knotts, unfortunately.

Prince of Darkness

John Carpenter earned his horror film credibility with the classics Halloween and The Fog, before creating his masterpiece The Thing. The weight of those successes may be why 1987′s Prince of Darkness is often overlooked. The story features a group of academics and a pries fighting evil, and the film covers everything from weird messages from the future to the apocalypse to Satan himself. It can stand proudly with Carpenter’s other horror triumphs.

The Exorcist III

This film really deserved better. Written and directed by William Peter Blatty (who wrote the original Exorcist novel) The Exorcist III is as creepy as all hell. George C. Scott takes over the role of Detective Kinderman from the first film and investigates a string of serial killings, all of which point to a man who was executed more than 15 years earlier. The movie wisely ignores the disastrous Exorcist II, and contains a couple of the scariest moments I’ve ever seen in a movie.

Jackie Brown was released on Blu-ray on October 4th, with an SRP of $19.99. Although it’s the black sheep of the Tarantino film family, hopefully it will get its due with this excellent Blu-ray release.

Swordsman

One of the early “New” Avengers brought into the series during the late ’60s, Swordsman didn’t have a lengthy career with the team. In fact, he promptly quit, later rejoined, and was killed off in about 20 issues. Along with a crappy costume, even by 1960′s standards, Swordsman brought with him a power set that included… sword play. There were subsequent heroes to go by the name Swordsman as the years went on, but none of them lasted very long. Thank God.

Rage

Rage was a 13-year-old kid who, after being doused in toxic waste, morphed into a super strong 30-something. In addition to having the least thought out origin in history, his costume was a true artifact of the 1990′s. Rage was kicked off the Avengers when they discovered he was only a minor. Plus, the toxic waste thing probably creeped them all out.

Wonder Man

Wonder Man is actually fairly popular amongst Avengers fans, and has had a long and colorful history with the team. But the poor guy would have trouble being taken seriously by film fans for one key reason: his name. For the general public, the only “Wonder” superhero is DC‘s Wonder Woman, and any character with a similar moniker is only going to come off as derivative, even if his powers and origins have nothing to do with hers. Maybe they should change his name to something more distinct. How about “Glowing Red Eyes Flying Guy”? That’s yours for free, Marvel. You’re welcome.

The real question is, is it worth the upgrade to Blu-ray? Absolutely. The sound is crisp and engaging (listen to all the nearby chatter during the diner climax), and the picture is clearer than I can ever remember (including poor Marvin’s brains). In fact, the picture is so crisp that you can clearly see Bruce Willis‘ penis when he gets out of the shower. I’d much rather have seen what was in the briefcase.

The extras include most of what was featured on the Collector’s Edition DVD, but with two notable additions. There is a new retrospective featuring the films cast, including John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Tim Roth and more. They offer some trivia about working with Tarantino before he was a major player, and other neat tid-bits. The other new feature is a film-critic round table discussion of the film, featuring Elvis Mitchell and others. It’s a fun bull session to listen to if you’re a fan of the film.

Pulp Fiction is released on Blu-Ray Tuesday October 4th, with a SRP of $19.99. Highly recommended for the picture and sound upgrades alone, as well as a great catalog of extras.

Break.com

Lil’ Pulp Fiction is the newest entry on this list, and it comes from our parent site Break.com. After all, why let the opportunity for a shameless plug go to waste.

Spaced

I have yet to immerse myself into the U.K. series Spaced, but I understand the series featured spoofs of many different films and television shows. This one, an homage to the final showdown between Butch and Vincent, is pretty solid. It also features Nick Frost, who ruled in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, and can make me laugh pretty much by standing still.

Community

NBC’s excellent sitcom “Community” has parodied everything from Predator to Goodfellas to Space Camp. Last season’s episode, “Critical Film Studies,” devoted itself to Pulp Fiction, and really captured the deep love that the film’s fans have for it. Bonus point: Britta looked super hot in her Mia Wallace costume.

1. The Fly

David Cronenberg‘s 1986 horror masterpiece drew its origins from the 1958 cult classic starring Vincent Price. Making use of (then) modern special effects techniques, the movie offers a chilling commentary about the dangers of unchecked scientific progress in a way the original never could. It also made me throw up when I was eight-years old!

2. Cape Fear

The original Cape Fear, staring Gregory Peck and Robert Mitchum, was a striking thriller for its time. But when Martin Scorsese took on the material thirty years later, he crafted a violent and chilling morality play, brutalizing the characters-and the audience-in a way early 1960′s film censorship boards would never allow. Plus, we got that awesome meme of DeNiro laughing maniacally in a movie theater, and that has only changed our world for the better.

3. Ocean’s Eleven

I don’t think I’m killing a sacred cow by saying that the original Ocean’s 11 was not a great film. It was mostly an excuse for Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack to hang out in Vegas, get loaded, and call it a movie. But the concept was solid, and director Steven Soderbergh knocked that concept out of the park, crafting the ultimate heist movie and starting the redemption of George Clooney after the debacle that was Batman & Robin. Then the cast made Ocean’s 12, which was mostly an excuse for them to hang out in Europe, get loaded and call it a sequel. Oh well.

1. Pam Magnus – In the Line of Fire

Bank teller Pam Magnus got super excited when she recognized the Minnesota home town of her customer James Carney. Unfortunately there was no James Carney- he was really assassin Mitch Leary, and Pam had inadvertently threatened to blow his cover. Leary then visits Pam at her apartment and slaughters her and her equally unlucky roommate. True Minnesotans have better manners. For shame, Mr. Leary!

2. John Conners’ Foster Parents – Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Poor Todd and Janelle. They put up with bratty John Conner’s crap for years, and their reward (besides a modest government subsidy check) was a Terminator hook to the face. Even the dog bought it in this massacre. And that’s after a group of innocent bikers get beaten for their clothes by the other Terminator- the one that’s supposed to be a good guy!

3. The Nun – The Da Vinci Code

Was there any more innocent victim to Silas’ psychotic rampage than the old nun that let him into Saint-Sulpice? Perhaps the viewers who had to look at Tom Hank’s ridiculous haircut for two hours.

1. Superman Returns

Time Away: 19 Years

This 2006 sequel was meant to return the original superhero franchise to greatness-instead in buried the series so dee the Man of Steel requires a total restart, due in 2013. What went wrong? The first film made you believe a man could fly, the second upped the ante with a superhuman fistfight…and in Superman Returns? Superman saved a plane. And stopped a bank robbery, I think. Too much talk, an unneeded super-kid and yet another appearance by Lex Luthor sunk this promising film at the script stage.

2. Escape From L.A.

Time Away: 15 Years

John Carpenter‘s 1996 sequel to his urban classic isn’t really a bad movie. The problem is that most fans had seen it already in 1981…when it was called Escape From New York. Story, side characters, jokes and even the climax are all recycled beat for beat from the original. Fans were ready to see a new Snake Plissken adventure, they just didn’t want to pay to see the same adventure they already owned on VHS (It was the 90′s, don’t judge me!).

3 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Time Away: 19 Years

Harrison Ford teased a fourth Indiana Jones outing for years…and he should have kept teasing, because what we got were aliens and Shia Labeouf. The film starts out well enough, but suffers from a weak antagonist, the bizarre use of aliens instead of the mystical, and a second half that moves slower than Willie Scott in a death trap (I’m not proud of that line). But it does bring back Karen Allen, and who isn’t cheered up when Karen Allen is around?