First up are some new clothes for your coveted iPad. At the beach, we prefer watching movies on our iPad over reading the latest chick-lit, but regardless of your choice, you need a case to keep the sand, water and melted Popsicles from ruining your it.

Elegant, stylish and just a little bit fragile—that’s (you)r iPad in a nutshell. And when it comes to elegant, stylish and fragile creations, no matter how tough they look, what they really need is to be held tight and told everything’s going to be OK. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; and once you get a load of our favorite iPad cases you’ll see just how proud you can be of needing a little TLC.

Headcase Etch A Sketch Hard Case for iPad – Red

Selling for a mere $40, this is the ultimate choice for the kid at heart. While the knobs do absolutely nothing, the bright red mock Etch-A-Sketch facade does scream fun without going overboard. It may make your iPad look like a toy, but it provides some very serious protection. Its high-impact resistant plastic is able to protect your device from minor bumps. It is also remarkably light which totally complements the iPad’s superior portability.

Clear Silicone Skin Case

For a minimalist and cheap approach, why not consider the Clear Silicone iPad case? Available for about $8, the package even comes with a free screen guard which gives your Apple iPad good all-around protection. The treated silicone material is both dirt and stain resistant. Should it get a little cruddy after constant use, it is totally safe to wash with water and some mild detergent.

Piel Frama Premium Leather Case

Those with a little more cash to spare, should give the Piel Frama iPad case a closer look. Handcrafted by Spanish leather artisans, these leather cases are so luxurious and are extremely exquisite. The magnetic locking mechanism ensures that your iPad is snug and secure inside the portfolio design. The case also doubles as a stand so proud owners can show off their shiny new iPad and THE leather case.

tyPad Gen2 Case for iPad with Built-in Bluetooth Keyboard

Although the iPad’s virtual keyboard is comfortable to use, some may prefer a real keyboard. Typad’s $70 offering is not only an iPad case, it also doubles as a keyboard to complement your tablet. The case is made from quality leatherette and can also be converted into a stand to prop up your iPad. The keyboard connects via Bluetooth to enhance your iPad experience.

Apple iPad Smart Cover

Apple zombies are sure to pick up this little baby for $29. Apple’s official iPad case has a soft but sturdy outer shell and a nice microfiber interior to better caress your shiny new gizmo. It comes in a neat matte black finish with the ubiquitous Apple logo adorning the front case. This case can be folded both vertically and horizontally so you can enjoy your iPad at virtually any angle.

I gotta give mad props to Tom Cruise for spitting in the face of death. The actor recently ran across a building like a ninja for Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. And it wasn’t just any building. It was the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the tallest building the world. He could have used a stunt double instead of dangling 124 floors above very hard, real ground, but Cruise prefers the authenticity that comes from doing stunts himself. I get queasy peering over my apartment’s third floor balcony, so I suppose Tom Cruise just made me look like a little bitch. Good for you, Cruise. I deserved to be taken down a peg.

Check out the crazy stunt pics after the jump…

(DailyMail)

^Shrek?

When mumbly actor Mark Ruffalo was hired to take over the Hulk reins from Edward Norton in Marvel Studio’s The Avengers, it was assumed he’d only appear as a drowsy-looking Bruce Banner. Now he’s let it slip that the Hulk will appear like he just woke from a catnap as well. Ruffalo tells Vulture:

“I’m really excited. No one’s ever played the Hulk exactly, they’ve always done CGI. They’re going to do the Avatar stop-action, stop-motion capture. So I’ll actually play the Hulk. That’ll be fun.”

Stop-motion capture? Is that like taking a photo?

This should be interesting to see. Ruffalo seems too laidback to pull off the Hulk’s rage, but I think he could surprise us. Then again, he’s never performed in such an effects-heavy film before, and has no experience acting against nothing. Unless, of course, you count Jennifer Aniston.

There’s probably not much news about the Harry Potter films. If you’ve read the books, that’s probably going to be in the movie. But then, maybe you’re one of those who complain they didn’t film every single word of the book, so you want to manage your expectations. Well, Gemma Jones, who plays Madame Pomfrey, told us a little about the big magic battle in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II.

“I did have to do a lot on fighting with my wand,” she said while promoting the Woody Allen comedy You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger. “At my age and station it was a very good workout. I’m fighting the Death Eaters with my wand so I had a good time.”

Madame Pomfrey is a small role, but at least you know she’s there in the end. She also appeared in Chamber of Secrets and Half-Blood Prince, so by the end she wanted to look after the kids, as they’re leaving school as it were.

“Well, I talked to Emma and Daniel on this last film because I was kind of maternally concerned for them because it’s such a huge experience and going to come to an end. I wasn’t there on the last day of the last shot but I think they were finding it very hard to take in that it was coming to an end. I hope they’ll be okay.”

They should be fine. Radcliffe’s become a pin-up boy for the ladies and Watson’s going to be a super genius in school. Otherwise, Jones just had tea with her fellow thespians in between massive takes on the set.

“It couldn’t be more different than having done this film with Woody but a wonderful repertory company of British actors in those films and a lot of people I know. Hell of amount of hanging about because the setups are so huge, so a lot of that was spent in each other’s trailers having a jolly good gossip and a very nice time. It’s like a huge juggernaut and military campaign getting it off the ground every day on set.

Harry Potter concludes with Part II of The Deathly Hallows on July 15 next year, with Part I this November 19.

_{Don’t just stand there, you guys! Do something!}

Stephen Dorff is all set to carjack Maria Bello. No silly, the actor isn’t turning to desperate measures, he’s got an honest-to-goodness job. Carjacked revolves around “a single mother and her child who are carjacked by a thief who has no intention of letting them go.” Ron Perlman and Saffron Burrows were once set to play the jacker and jackee, but execs had a hard time believing anyone would stay in a car with Ron Perlman (Check out Ron Perlman’s 9 Greatest Scowls) all night, even against their will. The man’s a great actor, but me oh my, what a face.

Take the car, take the kid, whatever you want! Just stop breathing on me! (Collider)

‘Bout time we see Jason Momoa causing pain as Conan the Barbarian. The first pic released showed him, what looked like, smelling a fart, completely not covered in someone else’s blood. I’m not sure why water is spraying at him in the above pic, but my guess is one of those barrels they place on the side of the highway clipped him while he was trying to make the exit, and he had to lay the smackdown. If this movie is about Conan battling an army of road barricades it’s going to be awesome. (/Film)

Have you ever watched an episode of "Fraggle Rock" and thought, "Hey, this shit needs to be more f**king edgy and gritty, like I am, beotch!" If so, you’re in luck.

Director/Screenwriter Corey Edwards has taken to the interwebs to complain that the Weinsteins are squeezing him out of the ‘Fraggle’ script because his version is “not edgy enough.”

I enjoy working with other writers and have no doubt that the RIGHT person could help make any script better. But to not even ask me? Adding insult to injury, the search is basically an open assignment. This means the net has been cast wide, virtually posting in the “classifieds” of the movie business. The Fraggles do not deserve such treatment.

Now, I like "Fraggle Rock" as much as the next unoriginal retro-addicted douche bag, but I’m not exactly sure what type of treatment Fraggles "deserve." It’s not like we’re talking about the regular Muppets, here. If the Weinsteins want to remake Bad Lieutenant with the "Fraggle Rock" gang, I say let ‘em. They’re animals anyway, so let them lose their souls. (SlashFilm)

All of you love watching movies. Many of you probably also enjoy the act of drinking cereal-malt and distilled beverages that you can  purchase once you’ve reached the age of 21. Throw the two together with some friends (if you have none, works just as well) and you have yourself one excellent early-evening drinking game. Since you can make a game out of pretty much anything that plays on a screen (ads, soap-operas, etc), the following are a few of the better “battle-tested” samples:
           
Dazed and Confused

Game 1: Anytime Mitch Kramer touches his hair or face.
Game 2: Anytime the words “hey” and “man” are used in the same sentence.

I was surprised to find how far-reaching the popularity of Game 1 for Dazed goes, having lived in both the Midwest and on the West Coast. I only recently found out about Game 2. Watch the clip below and then try and tell tell me you don’t want to bust open a case.

Independence Day

Game 1: Anytime the words “Mr. President” are spoken.
Game 2: Whenever Jeff Goldblum pauses awkwardly.

Way back when, a few buddies and I undertook “Drink-Dependence Day.” By the end of it, we were all mumbling like four drunk Goldblums and one guy got so wasted he confessed to being a Harvey Fierstein.  

Tombstone

The Game: Whenever Doc Holiday shoots whisky.

This works best (and worst) if you’re playing with whisky as Doc does. Much more memorable as an alternating “team” activity because Doc pulls it around 30+ times over the duration of the film.

Run Ronnie Run

The Game: Any time there is a recognizable cameo.

This is a personal favorite and makes for an excellent excuse to check out the movie if you haven’t already done so. There’s a great Hollywood party scene towards the mid-point that’ll have you seeking out another barley pop.

Cue more Goldblum!

Elf

The Game: Whenever the words “Buddy” or “Elf” are uttered.

This is probably the more brutal openings on this list. Though using peppermint schnapps might seem appropriate if playing during the holiday season, that much sugar will catch ya pretty quick. I knew someone who once played the game alternating maple syrup and whisky. He yacked just as Buddy leaves the North Pole for Manhattan. Penalty: 5 shots.

Elf Boardroom Scene – Watch more Funny Videos

Passion of the Christ

Game 1: Anytime Jim Caviezel’s character takes a beating.
Game 2: Any time someone in your watch party laughs.

Some might call it sacrilege. I call it hilarity. Because after viewing the following clip, you’ll never see Passion the same way again.

The Big Lebowski

The Game: Anytime a beer, blunt, or White Russian is enjoyed, follow suit.

To play correctly, you’ll need each of the three listed items in front of you. To avoid any potential legal complications, I suggest that the “blunts” portion of this game be reserved for those with a California “Club Card." Disclaimer aside, game on, Man!

28 Days Later

The Game: Drink whenever any person (infected/uninfected) gets killed.

Can also be played with 28 Weeks Later or any other horror/zombie movie for that matter. Pretty straightforward. Don’t plan on playing this with anyone you’re attempting to date because they likely won’t be impressed by your alcohol poisoning.

Austin Powers in Goldmember

The Game: Drink when Mike Myers recycles a joke from a previous installment.

Other than Beyoncé’s backside, this movie just isn’t nearly as fun as the previous two installments. Playing to the listed rule makes hearing the same joke, yet again, reasonably tolerable.

Oh does Myers like using plays on names? I hadn’t heard!

Edward Scissorhands

The Game: Edward 40-hands.

If you decide to play this on a Saturday night when you’re all by your lonesome, I suggest you duct-tape 40 ouncers to your hands while you do so. It’ll force you to drin faster so you can get the hell out of the house to go find a f*ckiing social life.

Anyone have any other favorites to contribute?

Hey everyone, meet Luke Sampson Busey! Proud papa Gary Busey introduced his 10-week-old son on Thursday evening’s “Entertainment Tonight.” Girlfriend Steffanie Sampson is the person responsible for bringing another Busey into the world on Feb. 23. My sources tell me world leaders are gathering at a secret summit this evening to decide how to proceed.

^{The resemblance is uncanny.}

Blake Lively and her pants will be traveling to Louisiana to star opposite Ryan Reynolds in Martin Campbell‘s Green Lantern. Lively beat out both Jennifer Garner and Keri Russell to play the role of Carol Ferris, the aerospace firm VP who hires Hal Jordan to pilot her test rocket. It is while piloting this rocket that Jordan is bestowed the power of the Green Lantern. Of course it seems like a stretch to cast a 22-year old as the head of an aerospace firm who later becomes the super-villian Star Sapphire, but somehow I don’t mind. Thoug I am slightly confused whether I should have a nerd boner or a regular one right now. (THR)

^{Busey On Board.}

You’d think he’d have had a court-ordered vasectomy by now but it is being reported that Gary Busey is going to be a dad again. This requires that Gary Busey be allowed near a vagina, but who would sign off on that? The actor/knife aficionado Busey, who once snorted cocaine off a dog’s back, announced at the Crazy Heart premiere that his girlfriend Stephanie Sampson is carrying his child. So if you see Busey in the woods handing out cigars to wolves within the next nine months, be sure to congratulate the proud papa. (WENN)

Out of the 30,000 movies produced each year only 700 see theatrical distribution. If you do the math correctly, that means that there are exactly one gazillion movies that very few people see — movies that have their own charms whether those charms be a skewed sense of humor or a dude jacking off onto a chicken. For every watered down family-friendly blowstravaganza like Wild Hogs, there’s a truly brilliant gem that has only found itself a small but loyal group of fans. We’ve turned over a few rocks and come up with trailers for ten crazy little cult flicks.

RUBIN AND ED

Rubin and Ed trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“This is the perfect spot to bury a cat!”

Rubin and Ed looks like an amazingly surreal movie. You’ve got the always eccentric Crispin Glover dressed like an uncool lesbian and Howard Hesseman wearing Stan Lee’s hair. Together the two form an unlikely bond and go on an adventure to bury Rubin’s dead cat. The journey is frought with peril, hallucinations, really high-heeled shoes, waterskiing cats, and pyramid schemes. It’s like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid through the lens of Hunter S. Thompson.

BAD BOY BUBBY

Bad Boy Bubby Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“God doesn’t like fat people!!”

Definitely the most bizarre of the bunch, Bad Boy Bubby is an Australian cult film about a 35 year old shut-in who ventures into the world for the first tme. The trailer makes it seem tame but trust me the movie is completely shocking due to scenes of incest, blasphemy, violence, menacing, and animal cruelty. The initial release was banned in the UK which is already a pretty seedy place. Need I remind you that’s where George Michael lives?

THE GATE

The Gate (1987) Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“There is a passageway to the most evil place you can imagine… a gate. Behind which the demons wait to take back what was once theirs.” (In other words, the pilgrims dicked over the demons.)

The trailer begins with young Stephen Dorff cracking open a rock that unleashes an army of demons into his suburban home. This seems like a bizarre move considering that all the children around him are extremely demon-savvy. I especially enjoy around the 1:00 mark when the girl exclaims, “Demons? What kind?!!” The perfectly natural response to which would be a sarcastic, “Oh well, let me just grab my copy of Demonology for Dummies and… THEY’RE F***ING DEMONS, THAT’S WHAT KIND!!”

Since its 1987 release, The Gate has amassed a good number of fans including Alex Winter, who has begun work on his own remake of the film. And speaking of Alex Winter…

FREAKED

freaked trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

I am woman. And I like me.”

Alex Winter’s opus, Freaked tells the tale of a spoiled Hollywood super-douche who is kidnapped by a sinister mad bio-engineer and mutated into a side-show freak. He bands together with the other experimentations (including Mr. T as a bearded lady) to fight for their freedom from the oppressive Colonel Sanders wannabe that holds them captive. With inventive freaks and machine gun-toting Rasta Eyeballs, it’s safe to say that Freaked isn’t for every movie-goer but definitely held dear by its fans.

HAPPINESS

HAPPINESS – Trailer ( 1998 ) – Watch more Funny Videos

“I’m living in a state of irony.”

I’m a jerk for not having seen Happiness yet. My friends rave about it and demand that I check it out. I’ve watched Todd Solondz’s other films and really dug them so I don’t know why I’ve held out on this one. This trailer is really entertaining and Dylan Baker as a bored psychiatrist cracks my sh*t up. I guess the reason I haven’t seen it is because I’m easily distrac– OOO LOOK! BRIDE OF CHUCKY IS ON AGAIN. I’MA WATCH THIS!

NIGHT OF THE DAY OF THE DAWN OF THE SON OF THE BRIDE OF THE RETURN OF THE REVENGE OF THE TERROR OF THE ATTACK OF THE EVIL, MUTANT, HELLBOUND, FLESH-EATING SUBHUMANOID ZOMBIFIED LIVING DEAD, PART 3

The Movie – Watch more Funny Videos

“Listen up baby. I got a bunch of cracker ass, white zombie honkey muthaf***as jackin’ up my fresh ride. If I don’t waste their white asses they’re gonna come in here and house us.”

This awesomely-titled Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 3 (or NotDotDotSotBotRotRotTotAotEMHFESZLD III as I like to call it) is a comedic redub of the George Romero classic Night of the Living Dead. Why? Because the original really didn’t capture the nuances of Black Culture properly. It re-envisions the ill-fated cast as a jive-talkin’ slickster, a blissed out surfer and a racist. Plus everyone’s favorite, wise-cracking zombies!!

EX DRUMMER

Ex Drummer Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“Ooooo. Look at me. I’m so German.”

I haven’t seen this film but it looks like a really slick trailer. The movie is about three handicapped low-lifes who draft a celebrity author into their band. His handicap is that he can’t play the drums. The visuals look great and I’m definitely adding this to my Netflix queue. It seems to be filled with violence, brutality, and nihilism. Not to mention, the song from the trailer sounds like something Ween would record. Whatever happened to handi-capable bands that visit school auditoriums and encourage hugs over drugs? These dudes definitely don’t look like any hug addicts I’ve ever met.

AMERICAN MOVIE

American Movie Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“Aw dude. I’m sorry I tried to put your head through that.”

The only documentary in the bunch, American Movie tags along as independant filmmaker Mark Borchardt struggles to make his own cult-quality film. It’s a sincerely one-of-a-kind, hilarious. and heartfelt film and was a darling at Sundance about a decade ago. That’s why I’m surprised when people tell me that they’ve never heard of this. You kids today with your Clarence Clemonses and your jazz-tap dancing. Back in my day we knew how to document!

DELICATESSEN

Delicatessen Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

“Squeeka squeeka.”

Another fantastic trailer for a crazy movie. Though the plot details are only communicated to us visually we still get perfect sense of the film’s themes of love and cannibalism. Which is good seeing as all dialogue is in the French language and I studied the more practical language of wood shop. I can’t order a crepe but I can build a birdhouse that will just blow your doors off.

ROLLING THUNDER

ROLLING THUNDER (1977) Theatrical trailer * William Devane * WID – Watch more Funny Videos

“Let’s go clean them up.”

TV cad William Devane and Tommy Lee Jones co-star in this tale about war heroes who return to find their world has changed. Throw in a dead son and a lost hand and you’ve got a recipe for a bloodbath. The pacing of the film itself is quite strange as well. At one point, Tommy Lee Jones’s character is asked, “What are you doing?” He replies stone-faced, “We’re gonna kill a bunch of people.” I don’t want to give away any spoilers but, excluding Two-Face, have you ever known Tommy Lee Jones to lie?

Honorable mentions go to Troll 2 and The Room only because we wrote about them in our Totally Awfulsome Movies post from a few months back.

What are your favorite cult flicks that we have yet to discover? Sound off in the ‘Comment’ section below.

McJugs

In an effort to earn a PG-13 rating and rake in larger box office returns, director McG rocked perverts the world over with the announcement that he had removed Moon Bloodgood’s topless scene from Terminator: Salvation. Once a very vocal supporter of the chesty inclusion, he backpedaled, citing that it felt “gratuitous” and he “didn’t want to convolute the story or the characters.” It was a normal day like any other when I heard the sad news. But once I caught wind I just sat down on the sidewalk and began to weep whilst a city full of heartless boob-haters rushed to and fro all around me.

But it taught me to appreciate the great nudity that did survive the editing room. Below are ten topless scenes that have had a great impact on us all, as a people.

Click on the headlines to see the videos on Break. 

ERIKA ELENIAK in UNDER SIEGE

Playboy Playmate and Baywatch star Erika Eleniak showed a ton of range as a stripper held hostage on a commandeered battleship in 1992’s Under Siege. I mean, she actually had to act like she was attracted to Steven Seagal. Nowadays you need computer graphics to pull that off.

PATSY KENSIT in LETHA WEAPON 2

There is no argument that Lethal Weapon 2 has earned its place in the pantheon of awesome action films. The action sequences are inventive, the villains are vicious, and Mel’s craziness was considered charming at the time; so charming in fact that his Martin Riggs is able to bed the sexy South African Rika van den Haas. This onscreen tryst introduced Patsy Kensit to American audiences and young adult males to a tingling in their pants. [Editor's Note: Our apologies for the gratuitous Gibson nipples]

KATIE HOLMES in THE GIFT

Before Tom Cruise, Scientology, and Suri, Katie Holmes was regarded as attractive. She was also regarded as a marketable casting choice. Sadly those days are gone, but thankfully she was able to appear in 2000’s The Gift, where she gave us the greatest gift of all… nipples.

Click ‘Next Page’ to continue…

By Mark L. Lester, D.G.A.

Well, Commando-ites, the day has come… the final chapter in John Matrix’s saga.  Before starting, I just to thank you all so much for the kind words in the comment sections in prior installments.  (You can Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.) Some of you were very open about your affection for the film.  One of you even revealed that you use the film as a masturbatory prop.  I think that’s completely healthy, and I respect that!  So thank you.

When we last left off, Matrix and Cindy had just narrowly escaped being intercepted by the military.  They successfully land on the island (that’s not Valverde!) and Matrix deplanes to steal back Jenny from the clutches of Arius and Bennett.

And so Begins Part Three…

TEMPERING DRAMA

We realized that at this point in the film, the drama was too intense for audiences to handle.  But there was a montage in the script, and those always get pulses pumpin faster.  Oh no!  We knew we needed to check in with the audience and tell them to keep their chins up – all without a character ever looking into camera and literally telling them that (though we did cover that version, too).  So, you’ll notice that about midway through this montage, after Matrix gears up, that we cut to Arius and Bennett doing absolutely nothing inside Arius’s villa.

When we were rehearsing the original scene with those two, Dan Hedaya (Arius) pulled me aside and said, “Mark, shouldn’t we have lines here, or some kind of action?”  I laughed and said, “Do you want the audience to die from a heart attack, Danny?”  We decided that it was ultimately best to have Arius sipping an alcoholic beverage and looking at his watch while Bennett casually fiddles with his gun clip, as he would naturally do in his leisure time.  (We also shot a version with them watching a Spanish-dubbed episode of Three’s Company.  It was the episode where they couldn’t pay their rent!  Hilarioso!)

ABSOLUTE REALISM

We had a consultant from the military tell us how to make things look.  I wanted to get all the pageantry and colors just right.  But then the consultant got called to a secret mission or something halfway through the first day of shooting.  Luckily, we were able to save some of the notes he scribbled on a napkin and I think we did a fine job matching everyone in the same camouflage.  But what’s even more important about this scene is how, with Bennett’s reaction to Matrix’s arrival, we strengthened an already authentic rapport between old military comrades with a dark past.

Pay close attention after the watchtower building blows up three times in a row (for you tech heads out there, we didn’t actually blow up three buildings that looked exactly like each other, but instead shot one explosion with multiple cameras, and then showed the same building blowing up three times in the edit).  We cut inside Arius’s villa, where Bennett hears the explosion.  He knows that it’s not an accident.  One of Arius’s personal chefs didn’t forget to turn off the stove!  No, Bennett can tell it’s Matrix because he’s studied the sounds of Matrix’s explosions, just like blind people can tell certain cars by the way the engine sounds!  And while stroking his knife, Bennett whispers, “Welcome back, John. So glad you could make it.”  The knife stroking and the words “welcome” and “glad” reinforce that Bennett is looking forward to killing Matrix, which is very dramatic.  Most people wouldn’t want to fight a guy like Matrix.  He’s too strong and muscular!

JUST ENOUGH VIOLENCE

This sequence is from my director’s cut (available at Amazon.com) and you’ll notice it’s a more visceral sequence than in the theatrical release.   Still, it’s very tasteful, and organic to the story.  I had said, “Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a tool shed at Arius’s villa, because that would give Matrix the chance to show off without his gun, too.” I think this came out nicely, and we used everything that we shot except the part where Arnold rakes someone to death with a Garden Weasel™.  It was just too much screen time.

You may have noticed a part where Matrix chops off an enemy’s arm with machete.  Really getting into his character, Arnold suggested he take the severed arm and slap the soldier in the face with his own hand.  And I thought to myself that it might be too much.  But I negotiated with Arnold, which is why you see two circular saw blades killing two soldiers, instead of just one like in the script.  In the end, I think two were necessary, so demonstrate that the first saw blade wasn’t just a lucky shot.  Matrix is actually very skilled at throwing sharp objects.

SOMETIMES BRAWN ISN’T ENOUGH

The major turning point in the film comes down to the fact that Matrix knows Bennett’s fatal flaw is pride– like so many villains before him.   Matrix plays such a wonderfully complex mind game with his nemesis in this scene; it’s like solving a Rubik’s cube.  When Matrix says, “Let’s party,” Bennett knows that he doesn’t mean the kind of party with hats and cake, or the other kind of partying that was done a lot in the 80s up people’s noses.  No, this is a party of two, and the party is over when the other person dies.

Of course, that person is Bennett, who gets a lead pipe thrown through his chest, giving way to Arnold’s delivery of one of the most crisply written one-liners in cinema history.  It just perfectly captured what Bennett was in need of – letting off some steam!  He was so tense before that, don’t you think?  But Bennett isn’t the type to relax with a massage or bath beads.  He needs to get rough and tumble with other men.  This addiction ended up killing him, which is tragic, but it’s life.  Some of the crew cried when we wrapped shooting Bennett’s death scene, because they knew that a great character of the silver screen was lost that day*.

THE END CREDITS BALLAD

Well, Commando-ites, this is the final lesson in the syllabus, but it’s possibly the most important one of all.  You can make the greatest bottle of cinematic champagne ever (like we did), but it doesn’t mean anything unless you cork it with a really rocking power ballad.  I don’t think this film could have come together and had such a cultural impact like it did without Duran Duran and Power Station’s Andy Taylor writing “We Fight For Love” sending us out.  You can tell that he was touched by the muse when he came up with the lyrics; they capture the essence of the film so eloquently.

I will protect you/Nothing can hurt you (this is essentially Matrix singing to Jenny)
No storm clouds gathering/Terrify (the storm clouds are Arius and Bennett, who are terrifying!)
I am a mountain/Surrounded by Your Love (Arnold is a mountain of a man, and he is metaphorically surrounded by the love of two women – Cindy and Jenny)
You are a fountain that dreams are made of (the “fountain” can be interpreted three ways 1) Cindy, 2) Jenny, 3) Commando, the entire film)

And then the chorus kicks in.  We fight for Love.  Truer words have never been sung with power chords and synthesized drums backing them up.

We do fight for love.  Arnold does it in this film, and we do it every time we make a film.  I know that I love this film, and not just because I directed it.  I know I love it because every time I see John Matrix tell Colonel Franklin Kirby there’s “No chance” that he’ll work with him again, I get a knot in my chest.  But it’s a knot of sadness and joy, because I also know that Matrix and Cindy are going to get married, and the ceremony will be beautiful, and they will probably dance to a song by Linda Ronstadt.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it!  And I hope this gave you some insight into what made this movie so timeless, and how you can use conventions we created to make your stories even better.

Also, if you have time, please write a petition to 20th Century Fox to green light my idea for Commando 2: Bennett Steams Back.  (*That’s right!  He’s alive, and he still doesn’t like Matrix!).  You can post it in the comments section!

Yours in the Movies,

MARK L. LESTER, D.G.A.

Link Friends:

Amanda Newton’s Spank Bank Page (Gorilla Mask)

6 Evil Henchmen Who Sucked at their Jobs (Cracked)

Father of the Bride Shoots Groom at Wedding (NothingToxic)

Arius Should have hired this guy to kidnap Matrix’s kid! (Film Drunk)

Kill Bill 1 & 2 in One Take (I-Am-Bored)

Raimi to direct Gosling in Tom Clancy flick (Pajiba)

By Mark L. Lester, D.G.A.

Hello, Commando-ites!  Back for more of the Greatest Film Ever Filmed on Film, I see.  I trust if you’ve arrived here that you’ve already had a chance to read Part 1 in my three-part series.  If not, you may want to bone up here.  (There’s no sense in trying to understand the film’s nuances if you haven’t grasped the themes set up in the first act.)

If you’ll remember, we last left off with John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger) having just killed a man on a commercial airliner by breaking his neck.  Now it’s time for Matrix to make his way to the fictitious island of Valverde any way he can.  As the movie’s tagline so eloquently put: “Somewhere.  Somehow. Someone’s going to pay.”  The ticket and DVD sales proved that!  Haha, I’m just kidding.  The poster was talking about Arnold killing people because they kidnapped his daughter, of course.

And so begins Part Two:

A GREAT HERO’ DRIVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN PHYSICS

In this brief clip, we see that John Matrix is able to leap from a commercial jet during takeoff and not only survive, but defy physics on his way down.  When Matrix jumps, you’ll notice that the plane is doing a solid 220 mph.  But then when we cut to the shot of Matrix falling, he does so in more of a straight drop.  Some detractors will say that this is a flaw in the film, but I’d like to set the record straight.  During the filming, we made the conscious decision to represent Matrix in this way, in order to show how perseverance overcomes even Newton’s laws. Also, Matrix is represented by a mannequin.  This showcases his ability to go completely limp in freefall, which is the safest way to freefall – just ask any stunt person or mannequin.

Matrix then lands on his feet – a completely real reaction given his years of military weight training and Plyometrics to strengthen joints – and wades out of the two-foot deep swamp to check his watch and get a move on.  Matrix looking at his watch tells the audience that there’s no time to dillydally.  The “clock” is “ticking!”

A NO-NONSENSE LEADING LADY

In this clip, the beautiful Rae Dawn Chong is accosted in the parking lot by Sully, one of Arius’s persistent henchmen.  Ever the lascivious rogue, Sully offers to give Cindy “something.”  Fun fact: in the shooting script, “something” was written as “a handjob in the backseat of your convertible,” but we decided on set that Sully is more subtle in his sexual conquests.  (I think the handjob is still quite nicely implied here.)  Either way, it’s very inappropriate, and Cindy rejects his advances with equal verbal aplomb.  “From here, [what I’m missing] looks like a nightmare!” she tells him.  Ha!  We had to do seventeen takes because the crew was in stitches from Rae Dawn’s impeccable comic timing!

The bruised Sully then stoops to call her “Fucking whore.”  This is called dramatic irony, because Cindy didn’t want to have sex with him at all, let alone for money.  But even after this insult, Cindy doesn’t retaliate.  Nor does she feel the need to implement her advanced knowledge of Karate – the very same advanced Karate for which she’s on her way to attend a class (which she’s sure to tell Matrix, after he’s strangled her and thrown her limp body into the car, then ripped out her passenger seat).  N.B.: a strong female lead requires restraint.

A HERO WHO ISN’T AFRAID TO PLAY DIRTY

Your parents no doubt taught you the difference between a white lie and a regular lie.  Well, any time John Matrix lies, it’s a white lie.  Case in point with this scene.  Instead of killing Sully last like he had said earlier, Matrix kills him second (out of about 132, give or take a few).  This is an important motif in all good action movies: just because the hero says something earlier doesn’t mean he has to do it later.  That makes things unpredictable, which keeps your audience on edge.  Also, killing an antagonist without remorse is perfectly acceptable as long as you have the antagonist offer an unwanted handjob to the leading lady a few scenes prior. I say, “Good riddance” to Sully and I know you will too.   In my book, that’s just one less dirtbag trolling the streets for handjobs.

Sometimes your hero has to be a bit duplicitous if it’s going to serve the greater good.  Had Matrix let Sully live, he no doubt would have come back to the airport to ask Cindy out on a date, and she really didn’t need to be bothered.  The life of a flight attendant is too hectic to be bothered by henchmen.  You already have horny business travelers hitting the in-flight help button every minute to ask for “something!”  (Especially if you look as ravishing as Rae Dawn Chong!)

NUDITY CAN ELEVATE A FILM

In this clip, you’ll notice an amorous couple cowering in their motel bed as Matrix proceeds to dispose of Bill Duke’s character, the treacherous “Cooke.”  We decided to stage this entire action sequence at a roadside motel so that it would feel wholly organic for Matrix to throw Cooke through a door, revealing a man and a woman naked and mid-coitus.  I couldn’t post the entire scene, because this is a family website, but rest assured that if you rent the DVD, you’ll see a lot more.

The point is that the nudity was a stylistic choice informed by the deeper subtext.  Screenwriter Jeph Loeb and I discussed how, at this point in the film, John Matrix is metaphorically naked.  The trail to his daughter Jenny is growing colder by the minute and John is on his own.  This couple represents the two naked sides of John: his masculine side, penetrating the villain Arius’s ring of deception, and the feminine side, which is the nurturing parent.  The fact that they are having sex is because this is a roadside motel, and that’s what people do at roadside motels.  (Don’t ask me how I know that, LOL!)

TAKE THE AUDIENCE SHOPPING

Crowds of all ages can’t get enough of an uplifting shopping montage set to peppy music.  We saw it in Pretty Woman.  We saw it later in Clueless.  We see it here. Everyone has a fantasy that they can just go into a store and walk out with anything and everything.  (I feel just terrible for screen ingénue Winona Ryder, because she couldn’t separate fantasy from reality.  That’s what we have movies for, Winona!)  Fulfilling that wish on screen keeps the audience happy and reduces what some call “the second act sag.”  We didn’t have to worry about the dreaded sag in Commando, because we pulled no punches.  But producer Joel Silver and I nonetheless agreed that a shopping sequence was definitely in order!

In any shopping sequence the entrance that the hero character makes is most important.  In Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts’ whore character breaks down a snooty salesperson (ugh, they’re the worst!) with the flash of a credit card.  In Commando, Arnold’s character is confronted with the fact that the military surplus store is closed.  But that won’t stop an enterprising guy like John Matrix, who knew to pick the one military surplus store in town located next to a bulldozer dealership.  It also happened to be a military surplus store with a hidden room containing serviceable rocket launchers, too – that’s how canny Matrix is.  It’s the little character flourishes like these go a long way, and often are the difference between winning an award, or not even being invited to the party.

CAST BILL PAXTON IN YOUR FILM

You might have watched this clip and thought to yourself jeepers, that air traffic controller person looks so familiar.  That’s because it’s Bill Paxton! He used this brief but nonetheless meaty role to springboard his way to major Hollywood stardom.  Bill’s a consummate pro, and he brought such realism to the part, pronouncing words so that everyone could understand them, and doing it while also looking at his little monitors with all their fancy lights and blips and goings on.  It was easy to see that Arnold and Rae Dawn Chong’s characters would a been more than a little nervy with Bill’s assured voice coming over the airplane’s radio and told them to change course!

I’ll go on record and say that only two people could have played the role of “Unnamed Intercept Officer” are Bill Paxton and Peter O’Toole.  O’Toole is British, though, so his funny accent might have confused people.

READ THE FINAL INSTALLMENT, IN WHICH MATRIX ARRIVES ON THE ISLAND OF VALVERDE AND MAKES EVERYONE PAY FOR KIDNAPPING HIS DAUGHTER, JENNY!

COMING SOON!

– Mark L. Lester, D.G.A.

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By Mark L. Lester, DGA

Chances are, you’ve seen Commando with Arnold Schwarzenegger because it is, without a doubt, the greatest film of all time.  I should know.  I directed it.

Naturally, a lot of people stop me on the street and ask, “Mark, how did you ever make a movie as great as Commando?”  I usually smile and say I just happened to be holding a bottle in the middle of a lightning storm.  They always laugh.  I bet you did, too, because you realize that this film wasn’t an accident, just like Jesus wasn’t an accident.   It took real vision to pull off, starting with the theme of a parent’s love for his child, and the lengths he will go to to get her back from a wily South American dictator.  Also, it has explosions, and a rockin’ saxophone-driven soundtrack that really gets the people moving in their seats.

Of course, that’s not even the half of it.  But after wrapping production on Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon for television, I had an opportunity to reflect on what we achieved, and really figure out what makes it all so timeless.

So her I am, baring my soul to you, the adoring public, for nothing in return.  This is more than just the only film school you’ll ever need.  Think of it as a free version of The Secret.  Think of it as your all-access pass inside the Greatest Story Ever Told.

Fo the next three days, I will take you through Commando, my magnum opus, my gift to humanity.

Let us begin with Part One.

MAGIC STARTS WITH OPENING CREDITS…

And so begins the ballad of John Matrix, played pitch-perfectly by Arnold Schwarzenegger.  In the opening moments, we see Arnold’s instincts from his past life as a soldier person.  Sweating, he masculinely chops wood with a hatchet, but also sneakily eyes the moving form in its reflection.  We think he is going to harm the shadowy figure behind him, but then he drops the axe and turns to hug… his daughter, Jenny (Alyssa Milano).  This is called narrative economy: setting up a killing machine with compassion – in two shots.

The sequence that follows – with wonderful flute and string accompaniment, I might add – puts any expository opening credits to shame.  We see how much Matrix cares about Jenny because he lets her smash ice cream into his face.  While developing the backstory for Matrix, Arnold and I decided that in his past, Matrix once was the victim of ice cream to the face by a Russian spy, and carved out his trangressor’s heart with a hunting knife.  So, it takes an immense amount of love for Matrix to not do the same to Jenny, even though she’s only playing.  That’s character development.

SETTING UP THE STAKES

In this scene, we set up the bond between father and daughter by showing that John is in touch with his daughter, Jenny’s lifestyle.  He uses his knowledge of what’s tops on “pop culture street” in order to develop a playful rapport with Jenny over sandwiches.  It’s here that Matrix’s verbal wit shows its face for the first time, as he wryly asks Jenny about pop idol Boy George, “Why don’t they just call him Girl George?”  This is something Arnold came up with on set, and it was such a perfect adjustment.  It really won over the studio, who had originally given me notes to “not have Arnold speak” in the film.

But Arnold’s questioning of Boy George’s sexuality is thought provoking, albeit a tad juvenile.  And Jenny’s retort – “That’s so old, Dad” – is such an honest moment.  The young child never wants to admit she’s been one-upped by a parent.  Matrix, ever the model father, is then sure to temper his immature remark by following up with a socio-political lesson.  “In East Germany, the Communists said that rock and roll was subversive.”  It’s no doubt that Jenny was head of the class in her school with such a worldly teacher constantly serving up “wisdom food” like that!

A DOGGED HERO

It’s in this scene that we establish just what lengths John Matrix will go to get his daughter back after she’s kidnapped by a South American dictator’s goons.   The mustachioed creep tries his best to stall Matrix, going so far as to tell him to “mellow out, man.”  (The nerve!) But Matrix is not going to listen to him, because he can see the cavalcade of cars leaving his compound with Jenny in tow.  You’ll notice the synthesized music elevate in pitch during Arnold’s POV shot.  That’s Jenny’s theme, to further underscore the certainty that Jenny is in one of the cars.

And then the creep taunting Matrix makes his biggest mistake: setting down the paper heart valentine that Jenny had so lovingly made for her father.  Now that there’s no chance of spattering blood and/or grey matter on Jenny’s artwork, Matrix can put a bullet right through his enemy.  Also note that Matrix recapitulates his dry wit by verbally turning the tables on his opponent before shooting.  “Wrong,” he says with great authority, before pulling the trigger.  Matrix is not a mindless killer.  He is a poet.

CREATING TENSION WITH YOUR ANTAGONISTS

I watch this scene and get chills.  It’s the stuff that James Lipton champions every week on Inside the Actors Studio.  Here we have Dan Hedaya as Arius, the ruthless mastermind blackmailing Matrix int fighting in a military coup within the fictitious country of Valverde.  (Dan’s accent is something we workshopped for weeks, ultimately deciding on a hodgepodge of regional dialects, so as to make Arius more universally relatable.)  Also present is Australian export Vernon Wells as Matrix’s old fightin’ buddy, the merciless Bennett.  Some people have asked me if Bennett was gay, but I don’t understand it.  His chain mail vest and well-trimmed mustache should be enough to tell you that he’s a handful of macho.

With lesser actors, this scene could have turned into a disaster.  But watching these three peers parry words under the hot lights of the set was nothing short of inspirational.  It’s like watching Gielgud, Barrymore and Olivier walking that tightrope of the Shakespearian stage, and never faltering.  Of course, Matrix always gets the last word.  Two of them, to be exact.  His commanding, “Fuck you” is all he needs to get Arius to back down.  Notice Bennett’s amusement at his old comrade’s insouciance.  It’s enough to make him turn away, so as to mask his pleasure and give Matrix the upper hand.  This scene alone is a master class in screenwriting.  I asked Oscar-winning scribe William Goldman to see if he could find any flaws in it, and he wouldn’t even return my calls!  See what I mean?

THE IMPORTANCE OF A RESILIENT HERO

So many films suffer from plot holes, where a helper, like a god from nowhere – a “deus ex machina”, if you will – arrives to get the hero out of a tight situation.  But that’s lazy writing.  If you write a strong enough protagonist, then he doesn’t always need help.  Case in point with this scene.  Even among a commercial airliner filled to capacity, he is able to knock his captor out cold break his neck, and then coolly tell the stewardess… sorry… flight attendant that his friend should not be disturbed.

Of course, as is in his character, Matrix is sure to divulge that information in the form of a double entendre – a wink to the audience to let them know that even though he took a man’s life and leaves him in his own feces aboard an airtight cabin for an eight-hour flight, the man whose life he took was not important.  Your character can and should afford to be flip whenever possible, in order to teach younger audiences that it’s okay to kill someone if they’re involved in an elaborate kidnapping of a loved one.

READ PART 2… WHERE WE SET JOHN MATRIX LOOSE!

– MARK L. LESTER, D.G.A.

P.S. Check out my colleague Michael Bay’s bank commercial!

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Gary Busey is an enigma wrapped in a conundrum, elegantly paired with a fetching scarf of just-plain-batshit-crazy. Every morning, he dusts his balls with a talcum of nutjob powder. Then, he goes out into that big world of Hollywood and just starts blowing people’s minds. Here are a few of our favorite Gary Busey moments.

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Summing it ALL Up

I’ve watched this twice now, and I understand. The ocean is a spirit. It is a sail on my boat of life. The Golden Rule pushes my spirit into a double rainbow. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Being Interviewed

“That’s the way I like it…To be ambitiously hospitable and to meet people.” Best line ever.

Explaining “Buseyisms”

If Gary Busey gave a four-hour lecture on personal development at a local Ramada Inn, I would pay upwards of $400 to see it. I would sit there totally confused, but also totally captivated, for the entire thing.

Just Laughing

It has to be fun to live inside that big, blonde-hair-covered head of his. I bet all of the voices get together on weekend nights to drink serotonin and play some sort of limbic system version of poker.

Hunting Jennifer Garner

Ryan Seacrest is made out of the same shit as those Peeps Easter candies that nobody likes. And yes, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill are intentionally hanging around to watch Busey make everyone uncomfortable.

Killing Chickens

This reinforces my theory that Busey devours a half-pound of mushrooms every morning and washes them down with a shot of liquid LSD. So awesome.

Ditching the Slurpee

The line, “Yeah, but what about the person drinking it,” just kills me. It shows how, amidst all the crazy, Busey is really capable of making broader points in creative ways. Seriously, what about the person drinking it?

Having Trouble Understanding The Question

Having watched a bunch of these, I realize that there are times where you just can’t tell if he’s simply being a dick or if he IS just totally batshit crazy and does not understand normal people.

Explaining Its Going To Be 3-D

You do it BUSEY’S WAY, or you GET THE FUCK OUT. It’s going to be in 3-D.

Spraying Swedes With A Hose

What I like about this one is that the dudes give him shit right back. That’s the way it should be. Busey is trying to lure people into a game of crazy wits. Most people just can’t hang, and then he devours them.

Questioning The Money Changers

Did you know that BIBLE stands for ‘Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth’? This guy is fucking with him. That takes balls. The mouthing is amazing. This whole thing is just hilarious.

Injecting It With Victory Juice

These are just too easy. I want some victory juice. I want a Super Soaker full of it to spray on all my friends.

Explaining Why He Was Late

The crazy thing is that I have used this excuse VERBATIM for years. I just never sold it right. The man has a point. Cats can fuck with your socks.

Mr. Busey, keep them coming. We know you will.

Check out this video of the Meatloaf/Gary Busey Meltdown.

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