Dreamworks Pits ‘Wife Vs. Ninja’
Thursday, December 10 by

What if Amy Fisher knew karate? That's roughly the idea behind Wife Vs. Ninja, a pitch recently purchased by Dreamworks. The story centers on a scientist who leaves his Long Island housewife for his beautiful young intern. But the intern is actually a ninja assassin intent on murdering him and stealing his work. Not sure why the wife would want to save her cheating spouse. Must be children involved.Producer Michael Besman will write the script along with scribes Michael Zam and Jaffe Cohen. Not sure how good this one can be. I place it just above Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever on the Versus Movie Scale. (Variety)

THE LOVELY BONES
Wednesday, December 9 by

Director: Peter JacksonCast: Mark Wahlberg, Saoirse Ronan, Rachel Weisz, Stanley Tucci, Susan SarandonSynopsis: Centers on a young girl who has been murdered and watches over her family – and her killer – from heaven. She must weigh her desire for vengeance against her desire for her family to heal.

‘LOST’ Season Five Bloopers are Silly
Wednesday, December 9 by

Lost Season 5 Bloopers – Watch more Funny VideosThe LOST characters should spend less time joking around and more time figuring out why the f*ck they're on that island. The final season drops February 2nd on ABC. These links drop right now. Flowchart to Determine What Holiday to Celebrate (HolyTaco) Norwegian Goalie Makes Amazing Goal-Line Save (TotalProSports) Camouflage Can't Hide Stupidity (TheChive) 15 Freakishly Large Babies (SuperTremendous) I Want to F You With a Cobra (FilmDrunk) The Greatest Love Stories of the Aughts (Pajiba) Team Edward's Starting Left Tackle Injured (CelebJihad) A Literal A to Z List of CGI Movie Characters (Unreality) Cheech & Chong Blaze a New Trail (Asylum) Tennessee Using Tail to Attract Football Recruits? (BustedCoverage) Coffee That'll Wake You the F Up (RegretfulMorning) What Does Your Headache Mean? (MadeMan) Google Satellite and Sprint Cup Teams (AllLeftTurns) Russian Car Accident Turns to Fistfight (NothingToxic) Hanukkah is a Time for Sharing (Atom)

Bobby Bottleservice Auditions for ‘Jersey Shore’
Wednesday, December 9 by

Bobby Bottleservice – Jersey Shore Audition Tape – watch more funny videosBobby Bottleservice (the hilarious Nick Kroll) is back, and he's trying to claim his rightful place in the inevitable second season of Jersey Shore on MTV. With Bobby B as one of the tenants, the house will be more Guidorrific than ever. He'll bring his hair gel, Cadillac, and sloppy grammar to the party, and the overly tan dwarf ladies will eat it up like a big plate of gabagoolooka (my made up Italian deli meat).

What’s On TV Tonight: Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
Wednesday, December 9 by

Tonight, Top Chef ends its season and Padma Lakshmi regrettably covers up for the winter. CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMPNOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

James Cameron Develops ‘Avatar’…Again
Wednesday, December 9 by

I can do this all day, buddy. James Cameron is developing a futuristic sci-fi action film. Someone should tell him he's already been doing that for the past twenty years. It's called Avatar, Cameron. Remember? The blue mutant cat people? Ahhhh (dismissively waves hand).The event film set in the future, but not Fern Gully, is scripted by uber Hollywood screenwriter Shane Salerno. In June of this year it was mentioned in Variety that Salerno was developing a project for Cameron, and many think it could be Doomsday Protocal, which Salerno sold to Fox for seven figures of cold, hard cheddar. The project is about aliens and humans with various abilities being brought together to save earth. Sounds like one of those "important" movies. Please standby while I pass gas through the flame of a lighter. It isn't known if Cameron is intending to direct the project, or merely produce. The only thing that's known is Cameron just made a movie with aliens and humans being brought together, and he doesn't know it.(via /Film)

‘Jersey Shore’ Links Ed Hardy Hats and Sucker Punches
Wednesday, December 9 by

MTV's Jersey Shore is getting A LOT of negative attention, which is a shame because as I have stated on a few occasions that it is a solid show, an important show. In addition to numerous catchphrases they have now given us a piece of footage more compelling than the Zapruder Film. Watch in wild wonder as a drunken Seaside bar patron fist pumps directly into pint-sized castmember Snooki's face:   Bada-bing. Bada-BOOM! That. Is. Horrifying. Did you see the absent look in the assailant's eyes? It's as if he was under mind control a la The Manchurian Candidate. Did Chris Brown install that Naked Gun chip in his brain? We would ask Snooki but she isn't slated to wake up until February. And it should be known that Screen Junkies doesn't advocate this kind of violence. If someone offends you, tell them to shut their stupid face. You don't hit. You punch with your words. Unless it's a douchebag. Then you rail on him.

JERSEY SHORE
Wednesday, December 9 by

Network: MTVSynopsis: Guidos and Guidettes move into the ultimate beach house rental and indulge in everything the Seaside Heights, New Jersey scene has to offer: hair gel and Cadillacs.

‘The Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ Trailer
Wednesday, December 9 by

Nicolas Cage loooooooves fake hair. We recently posted The Season of the Witch trailer, in which Cage dons flowing locks of stringy fibers, and it appears he continues the trend in the new trailer for The Sorcerer's Apprentice. There's CG magic abound in the Disney film, and Jay Barachul in disbelief of most of it. I have to say though, the dragon stuff is pretty cool. I mean, it's no Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, because that "film" was clearly Rob Cohen jerkin' it in front of a mirror, so maybe Apprentice can give CG dragons the recognition they deserve.

Jennifer Aniston is Adam Sandler’s ‘Pretend Wife’
Wednesday, December 9 by

Jennifer Aniston has signed on to costar with Adam Sandler in The Pretend Wife. Dennis Dugan is expected to direct the romantic comedy but much is being kept under wraps about this project, including the plot. All we know is that the original title was Holiday in Hawaii. It's unclear whether a fat guy will fall down or if Rob Schneider will play a weird ethnic dude. We're not even sure if someone will be injured in a testicle-hitting mishap. But I vow that once I know, you will know. (THR)

COUGAR TOWN
Tuesday, December 8 by

Network: ABCCreators: Kevin Biegel & Bill LawrenceCast: Courteney Cox, Christa Miller, Busy PhilippsSynopsis: A recently divorced woman decides to find some excitement in her dating life.

‘Youth In Revolt’ Trailer, Now with Dirty Language
Tuesday, December 8 by

Youth In Revolt Red Band Trailer – watch more funny videos Here's the new red band trailer for Youth In Revolt, starring Michael Cera and evil Michael Cera. I gotta say, I wasn't interested in this movie after seeing the original squeaky-clean trailer, but the dirty stuff in this one brings a slight smile to my face. Cera's showing some range and some balls playing evil Cera, and you just KNOW something hilarious is going to come from him eating an entire bag of shrooms. I'm not saying that these links are better on shrooms. A Comprehensive List of Tiger's Mistresses (HolyTaco) Million Dollar Car Wrecked in Accident. Doh! (TotalProSports) Animals Boozin' it Up (TheChive) Lana Wachowski is Lookin' Great (FilmDrunk) Hamster Jazz Band (SuperTremendous) 10 Best Horror Movies of the Aughts (Pajiba) Celebrity Sex Faces (CelebJihad) 12 Best Arrested Development Jokes You Never Got (Unreality) Whic Porn Star Would You Like to Date? (Asylum) The Lego Tiger Woods Accident Reenactment (BustedCoverage) Hot Girl Fails at Stair Surfing (RegretfulMorning) 10 Gourmet Grilled Cheese Recipes (MadeMan) Patrick to Drive No. 7 Car for Jr. Motorsports (AllLeftTurns)

Winged Malkovich and Hathaway in ‘Spiderman 4′???
Tuesday, December 8 by

Damn you Spiderman 4 internet casting rumors. First you had me believe that The Lizard would be the villian in Raimi's next installment of the franchise. Then you told that Rachel McAdams would don a sexy cat suit for the sequel and that turned out to be a lie (or a mean-spirited prank played on my peen) too. Today there is news that I want to believe but I've been hurt before and I'm just not ready. Movieline reports that the Lizard is out and John Malkovich has been approached to portray bird-themed bad guy The Vulture (my condolences to Patrick Stewart and Ben Kingsley). Making this report seemingly more full of poop is the news that Anne Hathaway is being eyed to step into the role of Felicia Hardy. But not the Black Cat alter-ego Felicia Hardy we all know from the comics. This version of Felicia Hardy would become a new villian known as the Vulturess. I just don't know if I can believe this. That whole incident with Rachel McAdams and my peen has left me with trust issues.  If this is the truth however, I hope the Vulturess costume looks a little something like this: (via Movieline)

What’s On TV Tonight: Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
Tuesday, December 8 by

Tonight on TV, people who make love to their cars.CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

Zombie ‘Star Wars’ Posters are Beautifully Disturbing
Tuesday, December 8 by

One word: awesome. Star Wars artist Matt Busch had the good sense to take the iconic posters for the legendary franchise and strip away the flesh. The result is awe inspiring and a little sickening. A zombiefied version of Princess Leia with blood dripping down her mouth was never something I thought I'd want to see, but now that I have I'm all the better for it.  My only tiff is he could have left the Attack of the Clones poster as is. It was much more terrifying in its original form. Sideshow Bob shiver… (via Collider)Check out the rest of the posters after the jump!

Hey Ugly! Peter Jackson Could Cast You in ‘The Hobbit’
Tuesday, December 8 by

Peter Jackson and his brother-from-another-mother Guillermo del Toro begin casting The Hobbit this week and they're not bowing to any big name pressure. “We’re auditioning for every role,” Jackson said in an interview. “Apart from Ian McKellen, who we obviously want to return as Gandalf, we are not really offering any roles to anybody until we’ve done a casting sweep…" That's good news if you're short or fat or talented at gazing longingly into another man's eyes. If you fit any of those criteria, you'd better get to Los Angeles or London this week. "What we’ve done over the years is discover a lot of interesting actors, like Orlando Bloom (in Rings), Kate Winslet (in Heavenly Creatures), Saoirse Ronan (in The Lovely Bones). So if you start looking and auditioning seriously, it’s amazing what incredible talent you’ll find out there.”"We want to find the right people. Casting someone to portray a hobbit is not as easy as you might imagine," Jackson added before slipping shoes onto his hairy feet and inhaling from a long-stemmed wooden pipe. (THR)

10 Most Twisted Holiday Specials
Tuesday, December 8 by

It’s that time of year again. We all get presents, eat a lot of candy and drink extra sugary Starbucks drinks. Most people might make a tradition out of the family friendly holiday specials that air this time of year. I prefer the more twisted ones. They’re not only more realistic, they’re just more fun. Here are the top 10 twisted holiday specials. If they’re not in annual rotation on TV, you can at least find them on DVD or online.  The Simpsons: Roasting On An Open Fire 

‘Jersey Shore’ Star “The Situation” Speaks
Tuesday, December 8 by

 MTV's Jersey Shore premiered this past Thursday and has taken the world hostage in the subsequent days. In that time, Italian-American groups have cried foul over the series' stereotypical depiction of their race and, Domino's has backed out as a sponsor.  Cast member Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is taking it all in stride and eating up the attention. Not since The White Rapper Show's John Brown, has a reality character sparked such a love him / hate him debate through sheer douchitude. Personally, I love the guy. Somebody hand him an excessively-tanned six-packed Emmy statuette immediately.Entertainment Weekly has a short interview with The Situation where he talks about his newfound fame, the show's backlash, and what it truly means to be a "guido." (EW)

Michael Bay Gives Victoria’s Secret the Ol’ One-Two-BOOM!
Monday, December 7 by

Screen Junkies has an unhealthy obsession with Michael Bay so it's only fitting that I post this commercial he recently directed for Victoria's Secret. The rumor I'm starting has it that Bay schtooped every single model on set, but only after he bent the sky over and took it from behind, thus scorching the earth all for a totally awesome shot. Here are today's lin–BOOM!What Your Favorite Sport Really Says About You (HolyTaco) London Knights Fan Makes it Rain Teddy Bears (TotalProSports) Sexy Surfers (TheChive) The Final Frame of Old Dogs is Creepy (FilmDrunk) 25 Amazing Christmas Light Displays (SuperTremendous) The Decade's Ten Biggest Flameouts (Pajiba) Top 10 Twilight Fan Gifts (CelebJihad) 10 Reasons We Miss Dolph Lundgren (Moviefone) A Collection of Horrible Prequel Ideas (Unreality) Is Playground Pole Dancing Porn? (Asylum) Brenda Warner Has Long Hair Now! (BustedCoverage) Quad Loading Fail (RegretfulMorning) Makeover Your Pad James Bond-Style (MadeMan) 66 Hot Track Girls (AllLeftTurns) Vicious Soccer Fight Over Dirty Play (NothingToxic) Tiger Woods Gets His Sext On (Atom)

‘Spanish Movie’ Trailer is a Thing That Exists
Monday, December 7 by

FOX targets the only race that still cares about their glut of sh*tty, sh*tty parody movies by releasing this trailer for Spanish Movie. For those unfamiliar with Fox's previous spoofs (ie: Epic Movie, Date Movie), you've just officially won at life. Keep up the good work. This time around they have Spanish crossover films such as The Orphanage, Pan's Labyrinth, Rec, Volver, and Open Your Eyes in their sights. I didn't see one Paris Hilton or Amy Winehouse joke in here. Without them as fodder, what will people not laugh at in this movie?Keep an eye out for Leslie Nielsen. It's nice to see that his fart jokes transcend all racial divides. Take that Tower of Babel!

What’s On TV Tonight: Monday, December 7th, 2009
Monday, December 7 by

Andrew Jackson's checkered past, Santa Claus's shady beginnings, and a potential mother-meet on How I Met Your Mother. ALL TONIGHT.CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMPNOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC

‘Death at a Funeral’ Trailer Should Have Its Own Casket
Monday, December 7 by

Neil LaBute has given up on Nic Cage and "beeeeeeeeees!" and decided to remake a movie that's only two years old. The original Death at a Funeral was a British comedy directed by American Frank Oz, and featured mostly white people. For the remake, Hollywood decided to replace most of the white people with black people, but still keep in the midget because midgets are always amusing. Chris Rock leads the ensemble cast, and Martin Lawrence leads the utterances of "Daaaaaaaaaamn." The film focuses on a funeral that “devolves into a debacle of misplaced cadavers, indecent exposure and family secrets.” Also, Danny Glover poops on Tracy Morgan's hand. Check out the trailer after the jump, if you dare.

Mel Gibson is Renting a Mexican Prison
Monday, December 7 by

  Mexican Governer Fidel Herrerra is emptying out a large section of a Veracruz prison to make room for Mel Gibson. The actor is said to be shooting a large production though there is no word on what the project will be. My fingers are perma-crossed that we'll finally see a big budget remake of the girls-in-sexy-jail classic Caged Heat. The Governer refers to Gibson as his friend, probably due to the fact that since shooting Apocalypto in Veracruz, Gibson has also donated $1 million to replace storm-damaged homes in the area. A few years ago I would view this as a thoughtful act of charity. Nowadays I'm not so quick to trust Gibson, and now he has the Mexican government in his pocket. What is he planning? (THR)

Trippy Tarantino SoftBank Commercial
Monday, December 7 by

Someone let Quentin Tarantino play with the Japanese, and the result is unsettling. Below is a commercial that Tarantino starred in for SoftBank, a Japanese cell phone company. There's a talking real dog, a talking fake dog, a black man in a kimono, a screaming white woman, and Tarantino, who probably thinks this is all happening in his head. I don't speak Japanese, so if you can translate this please tell me if it's signaling the end of the world.  

‘It’s Complicated’ Poster Celebrates Old People Sex
Monday, December 7 by

The poster for Nancy Meyers's It's Complicated shows Oscar co-host Alec Baldwin and Oscar winner Meryl Streep in post-coital bliss. Actually, Baldwin has a look of contented bliss and Streep has a look of dissatisfied worry (obviously he stole a page from my playbook). At any rate, gross Mom and Dad!!!Also, does Alec Baldwin always look like Keyboard Cat after sex?

First Teaser Trailer for ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’ Teases You One Year Out
Sunday, December 6 by

As usual, all is not well at Hogwarts. Voldemort's power has grown stronger, and he has control of the Ministry of Magic and Hogwarts. Meanwhile, Harry, Ron, and Hermoine are trying to put to rest the Dark Lord and their boners, which are inveritable forces in their teenage years. The newly released teaser trailer starts off with director David Yates and producer David Heyman talking about how lovely it is to be creatively involved and making sh*tbuckets full of money on the last two Potter installments. Fast forward 50 seconds and you get the real meat – actual film footage and John Hurt being awesome. Sure, it's great to see the wizard trio, but come on, the always brilliant supporting cast in these movies bring the real magic. That's right, I said magic.  Check out the teaser trailer after the jump, then the movie a year from now when it opens November 19th, 2010.

Photobomb Fridays: Full Metal Jacket + Rocketman
Friday, December 4 by

Rocketman doesn't care if your military base is closed to the public. Here are your weekend links:25 Hilarious WiFi Network Names (HolyTaco)Buffalo Bills Coach Steamrolled on Sideline (TotalProSports)Douchebags Everywhere (TheChive)Taylor Lautner Gets Xtreme (FilmDrunk)25 Funniest Nutshots of All Time (SuperTremendous) 10 Best Stand-Alone TV Episodes of the Aughts (Pajiba)Tiger Woods Voicemail Slow Jam Remix (CelebJihad)Sex Mario is Freaking Us Out (Unreality)Kylie Bisutti – Before She Was an Angel (Asylum)Generate Your Own Tiger-Esque Sext Message (BustedCoverage)Fire Stunt Ends Badly (RegretfulMorning)Have Ambien Sex Like Tiger Does (MadeMan)Montoya and Stewart Almost Hug It Out (AllLeftTurns)Epic Ghetto Catfight (NothingToxic)Hot Twitter Chick (Atom)

What’s On This Weekend: Friday, December 4th – Sunday, December 6th
Friday, December 4 by

This weekend, Blake Lively hosts SNL as well as a party in my pants.CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMPNOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN & PACIFIC!!!

Producer Spills New ‘Jack Ryan’ Movie Details
Friday, December 4 by

Screen Junkies caught up with producer Mace Neufeld after he spoke at the Invictus press conference earlier today. Here's what he had to say about the next Jack Ryan project, which thus far remains untitled:Why did you go with an original script and not one of the books? "Well, we were out of books. Red Rabbit was the last one and we just couldn't seem to get a script out of that. The new management came into Paramount. They said, "This is a really valuable franchise. Let's try and restart it with a younger actor. The Chris Pine idea came up and hopefully that's what we'll be doing"   Who did the rewrite? Adam Cozad. Hossein Amini did one draft and Adam is now working on another one.   No title yet? No title, The Untitled Jack Ryan movie.   Will you reboot his origin like you did with Sum of all Fears? No, no. We pick him up when he's on Wall Street.   Do you have action set pieces in mind? It all starts with the writer. It really does. When you say, 'We need action, action, action.' The Jack Ryan movies have never been action films. They've been thinknig man's thrillers. Jack is referred to as a water walker because of his ability to jump ahead to a conclusion. We've always seen that in all the Ryan films. That's how we want to portray him. He's a teacher, he's a historian, he's a linguist and he's really smart.   Would you shoot in Annapolis or DC again? D.C. probably yes. So there you have it. Seems like Paramount is pumped to deliver a quality Jack Ryan movie in order to wash the taste of Affleck out of our mouths. Eeewww. Tastes like almonds.

Matt Damon Won’t Do ‘Bourne 4′ Without Paul Greengrass
Friday, December 4 by

We reported earlier this week that Paul Greengrass bailed on the fourth Bourne installment after having a falling out with the cash-strapped Universal. Now it appears that Matt Damon is showing some loyalty, and sticking by his director's side.When Screen Junkies caught up with Damon at the Invictus press junket he told us, "I'll wait for him and when he wants to do one, we'll do it." When asked specifically is it Greengrass or no Bourne, the actor went on to say, "I've always said that, but I think it will happen. Just down the road. We don't have a script right now."With Damon holding on tightly to the hand of Greengrass maybe Universal will reach a little deeper into their pockets. Afterall, they need to hold on to the Bourne series like grim death if they plan on eating anything other than Ramen next year.