That's me between the Asian and the freak. I had the opportunity to attend the Cannes Film Festival over the past few days, and it was a whirlwind experience full of red carpets, yacht parties, and Jean Claude Van Dammes galore. My brains are still recovering from the extensive travel and time difference, but I feel it’s more authentic and enjoyable if I share my journey in my current semi-conscious condition. When I arrived at the hotel, the Maison de Jacque D’Azur, I was greeted with an ice cold Stella Artois, a welcomed welcome after spending the previous fifteen hours on a metal tube that has no business hovering so long in the sky. The Maison used to be home to Picasso, who I’m sure is rolling over in his grave now that bloggers are slogging around it, covering the interior with a thick layer of Cheetos dust.
Robin Hood PG-13, 131m., 2010 Cast: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt, Mark Addy, Danny Huston, and Max Von Sydow Directed by Ridley Scott Screenplay by Brian Helgeland Robin Hood, the new retelling of the famous legend points its arrows at being a nitty-gritty throwback epic but misses its mark with too many characters and not enough story.In this prequel version from the slam-your-fist-into-the-mud-team of director Ridley Scott and actor Russell Crowe, Crowe stars as Robin Lonstride, a 12th century archer in King Richard's army who by way of action and accidents is mistaken for the knight Robert of Luxley. This gives him the opportunity to steal from the rich and give to the poor people of Nottingham, while King Phillip of France and evil-knight Godfrey (played by Mark Strong in his usual sneering jackal performance) plan to invade the shores of England. Director Scott, working from a script by Brian Helgelanger seems to be having shifts into what movie they want to portray, ending up with too many arrows and no sharp tips.More after the jump…
I'm not ready to say goodbye to this picture.Entertainment Weekly has new details about the fifth season of Dexter in the latest issue. If you're not caught up with the show, there are SPOILERS AHEAD. Bold and all caps. My ass is covered.It looks like Dexter will be packing up the kids and returning to his old bachelor pad to crash with Deb in the new season. Suburbia never really felt right and dropping deuces where his wife was murdered doesn't really appeal either. New showrunner Chip Johannessen had this to say about the new living situation, “It’s partially funny and partially not. Deb is not exactly the most maternal person. Nobody quite knows what they’re doing, so there’s a certain kind of struggle to cope.” In other words, these kids would be better off left in the woods to fend for themselves.The interesting story detail however pertains to the investigation of Rita's murder. Neither the police nor the FBI believe Trinity was responsible and consider Dexter the prime suspect. If Nancy Grace has taught me anything, it's usually the spouse in these cases. Especially the ones that play with blood for a living.
Bad news from the world of music. Musician Ronnie James Dio has died of stomach cancer. The singer, who performed with Black Sabbath and his own band, Dio, was only 67. I'm not going to pretend I'm a fan of his music, but Dio was responsible for this hilarious "South Park" bit, which means he's A-ok in my book. R.I.P. (DreadCentral) See Ronnie James Dio perform at the South Park Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance after the jump.
When it comes to flops, you can't get much bigger than Gentlemen Broncos. And like a wounded solider crying out for his mother, filmmakers Jared and Jerusha Hess are longing to return to familiar territory after their critical and financial depantsing. The pair is currently in talks with Fox to develop a pilot based their first, and some would say only success: Napoleon Dynamite. Sources close to the story state that many of the actors from the film will return to lend their voices to the cartoon, including star Jon Heder, Efran Ramirez (Pedro), Aaron Ruell (Kip), and Jon Gries (Uncle Rico). No word on whether or not Tina Majorino will return as Deb. No story details have been revealed, but it seems likely that it would work mainly as a continuation of the film, which followed Napoleon through the hilarious awfulness of his day-to-day existence. I could make a joke about the fact that all of the original actors are "available" to do the voices, but hey, we can't all be successful "overnight writers" for screenjunkies.com. Besides, if you ask me, it sounds like a great plan. When Kevin Smith's career hit a rough patch, he developed an animated version of his first sucess, Clerks. He then went on to direct Jersey Girl. (Cinematical)
The first rule of Fight Sub: you don't let McG direct Fight Sub.Director David Fincher is in talks with Disney to direct a remake of Jules Verne’s classic submarine adventure, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. Fincher is attempting to resurrect the project first helmed by McG, the famed auteur behind Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Korn: Who Then Now?Disney reportedly dropped McG from the project because they believed his take on the film was too dark. If you're looking for more light-hearted fare, Fincher is the obvious choice. I'm sure the scene where Captain Nemo finds his wife's severed head in a box will be a real knee slapper. (EmpireOnLine)
Get a room, you two.Here are your weekend linksHugh Hefner and Joan Rivers Vs. Best Worst Movie (Moviefone)Masterclash Takes On Bad TV (Asylum)Oprah to Tom Cruise: Sit Your Ass Down (Popeater)25 Sad Cleveland Fans (Holy Taco)Hard Ticket To Hawaii Keeps On Giving (Film Drunk)Cleveland Serenades LeBron (Total Pro Sports)Maxim's Hottest Hand Bras (Maxim)Dan Quinn Gives Advice to Jesse James (Cage Potato)Jessica Alba Shows Butt Crack, Enjoys Anal (CelebJihad)Iron Man Vs. Kool-Aid Man (Smosh)Robin Hood Is Not A Very Fun Movie (Pajiba)A Montage of Manliness (Atom)Live In the Original Playboy Mansion (MadeMan)Victory Lane Girls (All Left Turns)
The Unemployment Line."Law & Order" creator Dick Wolf is reportedly furious, and not just because his parents named him poorly. NBC dramatically cut Wolf's throat today along with the grocery budgets of struggling New York actors by issuing the shocking announcement they are canceling the flagship show.NBC had promised Wolf they would bring the show back for a final season so that it could claim the longest-running primetime-drama pimpcup from "Gunsmoke," but plans changed when talks between NBC and would-be co-financier TNT fell flat. And then things got worse:That's when NBC threw its agreement with Wolf out the window and demanded Wolf kick in to help "finance the pickup of Law & Order out of all the money he's made. And his reps said, 'Never going to happen'," according to an insider. Another source explained the situation: "Graboff broke off the negotiations last night when they fell apart based on Team Dick's unwillingness to make certain deal concessions deemed unreasonable."Wow. That would be like your boss firing you but allowing you to stay on staff if you agreed to pay your own salary. They have a word for that in business school: balls.
"F*ck it."Residents of the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn should be prepared to see Kung Fu Panda: The Kaboom of Doom popping up on their Netflix Local Favorites. It's been revealed that Charlie Kaufman was brought in to fix up the animated flick's script. That's right. The man who wrote Adaptation also took a gig on a movie about a kung fu kicking panda. If you listen closely, you can hear Robert McKee laughing his nuts off.It's not uncommon for several writers to pitch in on a studio film and remain uncredited. Especially an animated one. Kaufman is reported to have only polished the material, so it's doubtful we'll notice his handiwork. But keep an eye out for uncharacteristically cerebal fart jokes when the movie opens in June of 2011. (THR)
Sam Worthington will add "wearing a hat" to his growing repertoire. In addition to roles in Dan Dare: Pilot Of the Future, Dracula Year Zero, and The Fields, he is now attached to star as literary adventurer and Indiana Jones inspiration, Allan Quatermain. But don't worry. Dreamworks can sense you yawning at that news and that's why the classic hero will be given a sci-fi makeover. For the new non-stuffy Quatermain, Worthington will return from space to an abandoned Earth for an epic treasure hunt.When reached for fictional comment, star and producer Sam Worthington had this to say, "I'd like to really master the hat-wearing aspect of this character. This will require loads of practice. I'll wear all types of hats to acclimate my scalp to the process. I'm actually beginning training with a hat-wearing coach next week. This guy that Jim [Cameron] recommended. Seems like a good bloke." (THR)
Rest easy, James Garner. It looks like your beloved "Rockford Files" will not be defiled by a remake. Deadline Hollywood is reporting that despite several shakeups and makeovers, NBC has decided to pass on the pilot.The show was plagued by casting problems early on, but those seemed to be ironed out with the addition of Dermot Mulroney. But even a last minute recut by one of NBC's top editors couldn't bring the show up to snuff.Personally, I don't see the problem here. I think NBC should scrap scripted dramas altogether, focusing on reality programs and maybe some sort of prime-time talk show. I hear Conan O'Brien is available.
Cook? Cask? Tell me, I'm dying to know!I'm not going to lie. I've never seen "True Blood." But the fact that it doesn't have androgynous teenage vampires running around being emo is a good sign. And from what I've been told, there are lots of gratuitous topless scenes to enjoy. I'll be sure to check it out just as soon as ScreenJunkies starts paying for my HBO. Until then, I'll just watch this trailer for season 3 over and over again.Check out the "True Blood" Season 3 trailer after the jump.
Kids today just can't get enough of John Rambo. Check the Internet, and you'll find there are literally millions, if not billions of Rambo related Facebook pages and Twitter accounts. And with Rambo mania (or as I like to call it, "Romania") at an all time high, it's no surprise that a group of investors is trying to drum up money to make the fifth installment of the franchise. In order to raise awareness for their cause, said investors have been putting up Rambo V posters at various locations around Cannes. The only problem is that Sylvester Stallone says he's through with the character. Stallone says the people behind these posters are out there looking for funding, and told him that if he won’t do it, someone else will. He's adamant that he won't do it so that means Rambo V, if they find funding, will happen with someone new playing Rambo. Screw Stallone. Those investors shouldn't let something like the loss of an iconic lead actor keep them from giving the public what it so desperately wants. Get The Rock on the phone. We want more Rambo! (CinemaBlend)
Sweetest. Hanukkah. Gift. Ever.(via YTMND)Amanda Seyfried Has Some Questions to Answer (Moviefone)Jesse Jayne Has Some Questions to Answer (Asylum)Shia Disses Papa Bear, Michael Bay (PopEater)5 Ways to Clean Up An Oil Spill (HolyTaco)G.I. Joe 2 Has a Script? (FilmDrunk)Suck It, Terrence Howard! (UnReality)Pedobear May Be the Predators New Mascot (Total Pro Sports)Real Life MacGrubers (Maxim)Xande Ribeiro Eyeing Contract With UFC (Cage Potato)Is Miley Cyrus Whoring Her Way to the Top? (CelebJihad)World's Most Badass Illustrator Ever: R.I.P. (Smosh)Where's This Generation's Freddy Krueger? (Pajiba)Last 10 Seconds of Lost Challenge (Atom)How To Booby Trap Your Apartment (MadeMan)World's Tiniest Redneck (AllLeftTurns)
This billboard never gets old.This past week, Samuel L. Jackson appeared on Radio Big Boy to promote Iron Man 2 in between bicycle horns and other wacky sound effects. He got to talking about his nine picture deal with Marvel and let slip the news that he will star in his own Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. movie. To me, it seems like he was just talking though.Jackson was pretty vague about when shooting would begin on the supposed film (sometime after The Avengers) and didn't seem to know much about the current slate of Marvel films. He didn't know who was playing Captain America, and mixed up Thor star Chris Hemsworth for Chris Pine. Though in all fairness, we handsome, strapping white guys do look a lot alike (we're always joking about that at our meetings). Still, I long for a day when I can live like Samuel L. Jackson, oblivious to movie news and the comings and goings of the Internet. Just once I'd like to feel the soft kiss of the summer sun. **squeaks finger slowly down window glass, sighs, resigns self to watching Hurley from Lost's "Dude" video** (Cinema Blend)
That's right, boys! Soak it up!So I'm on a plane right now flying to Cannes for the the tiny, little film festival they do annually, and I'm having trouble remembering who I slept with/killed to get this opportunity. Also, my 767 jet must be equipped with magic because I'm posting on the site from 1000s of feet up in the air. Eat your heart out, George Jetson. Your future looks like a silly b*tch now.Come to think of it, no one in their right or wrong mind would request sexual favors from me in exchange for a trip to Cannes. That's right, Stella Artois so kindly sponsored this excursion for me. I plan on living it up on the French Riviera like Jacques D'azur, and attempting to hit on as many women as he has bedded with a simple come hither glance. Don't post this on my girlfriend's Facebook wall. She doesn't read the site.I'll be bringing you all kinds of fun audio and/or visual presentations documenting my escapades at the film festival. I even had to rent a tuxedo. With a bowtie. Why do I have a strange feeling I'll be working this trip off by serving tray passed mini quiches at an after party?I'm not certain yet what screenings I'll be attending or what galas I'll be drunkenly stumbling into, but rest assured you will know when I know. I mainly just plan on donning my tux 24/7 and unsuccessfully trying to convince people I'm Daniel Craig. Not James Bond, mind you. Daniel Craig. Now to secure some piercing blue eyes…My battery is running out because I lack discipline and don't refresh it like Apple suggests you do at least once a month, so I'll say au revoir for now. Keep on checking back for my updates and the use of French words that I pick up at high-stakes poker games and mustache-twisting pow-wows. Kisses, my babies!
Stay up to date on my escapades at the Cannes Film Festival.
Pixels! – Watch more Game TrailersPixels has almost successfully unlocked every achievement required to become a viral sensation. Level One: it was emailed to you by your friends. Level Two: blogs reposted. Level Three: it was emailed to you by everyone in your office. And now, it has achieved Level Four status: being ruined by Adam Sandler. Expect it to achieve Level Five (being emailed to you by your mom) status in about four months.Back to Sandler. Happy Madison is in early talks to adapt Patrick Jean's video-game themed invasion short into a feature length film, though there's no indicaton how they plan to stretch the content that far. I can already picture Rob Schneider as a racially-insensitve depiction of Super Mario, and Sandler as the hapless dad tasked with imprisoning the escaped characters in the magic Atari console he purchased from Henry Winkler.Though I don't feel that Happy Madison is the best fit for this material, as a New Yorker, I encourage these 8-bit invaders to bring it on. If we start to live in fear, the Pac-Men have already won. (Deadline)
We all have them: Our favorite worst movies. Whether due to poor acting, writing, production value or all of the above, there are some gorgeously entertaining cinematic turds that we just can’t flush out of our hearts. Here are 11 of the most awfulsome movies ever made. 11. Double Team
People grieve in different ways.Michael Pena and fart detective Nick Swardson are in talks to join Danny McBride and Aziz Ansari in 30 Minutes or Less. Swardson will play the best friend to McBride's rigged-to-explode pizza guy cum (titter (hee hee!)) bank robber. Pena, who we'll see opposite McBride in season two of Eastbound and Down, is in talks to play a tattooed assassin. It's a good thing that the roles aren't reversed. I can't imagine Swardson as a tattooed assassin. Mostly because I can't take an assassin with a tramp stamp seriously. I don't know. He just seems like the type. (THR)
For all of you Francis Ford Coppola fans who are anxiously awaiting The Godfather 3D, I'm sorry to tell you it ain't gonna happen. In an interview with ElectronicHouse, the legendary director came out swinging against the craze, saying that most films aren't enhanced by 3D, except at the box office. “I feel that until you can watch 3D without glasses, it’s the same thing we know,” he says. “I personally do not want to watch a movie with glasses. It’s tiresome.” Coppola says he even removed his 3D glasses to watch portions of “Avatar,” even though it meant he was watching out of focus. Who does this guy think he is? I recently watched Clash of the Titans in 3D, and let me tell you that it was a thousand times better than The Godfather I & II combined! If Coppola has any hope of his films being accepted by future generations, he'll convert his entire catalog to 3D at once. That way we can watch Jack in the third dimension, as it was meant to be experienced. (CinemaBlend)
Hurley from "Lost" says "dude," and he says it a lot. In fact, if you compiled all the times Hurley has said "dude" over the course of six seasons, it would last four minutes. Of course, you would never take the time to compile such a thing because you have a life. Luckily, the people from Jezebel don't, and they made this sweet video. (SlashFilm) Watch Hurley say "dude" over and over again after the jump.
I blame it on T-Pain.Just when I think I've wrapped my head around Horrible Bosses, it goes and throws me another curve ball.The first name I heard assoicated with the film was Jennifer Aniston. That's bad. But the next name I heard was Charlie Day from "Always Sunny." That's good.Then I heard Colin Farrell was joining the cast, and I was all like "Whaaaaaat?" But then Jason Bateman came on board, so I was back to "Yeeeeeeaaaah!"But now comes word that Jamie Foxx is joining the film, and my head is about to explode from all the confusion. At first glance, the addition of Foxx to the cast seems like a bad sign. He hasn't had a really good role since he won the Oscar in 2004 for Ray, and everybody knows he only won because the Academy wanted to give it to a blind guy. But on the other had, Cinema Blend is reporting that Foxx will play the role of a scam artist named Motherf*cker Jones. You don't have to be a Foxx fan to appreciate a character named Motherf*cker. But the confusion doesn't stop there. Latino Review is reporting that “There will be at least two other big announcements in the next few weeks regarding other roles." Based on what I've seen so far, my money is on Carlos Mencia and Aziz Ansari.
They're not just for Wookiees anymore. C3P0 backpacks have finally been approved for human use. Comfortably stores your iPad loaded with Tron novelizations, the hardcopies of your Tron novelizations, and an extra pair of weathered cargo shorts. Back to school can't come soon enough! (ThinkGeek) There's even room for these links!Give Judy Greer Another Series! (Moviefone)Omissions from Maxim's Hot 100 (Asylum)Sean Penn Gets Probation for Kicking Photographer (PopEater)25 Ridiculous Senior Portraits (HolyTaco)Sharlto Copley Wants to Wear Alien Ears (FilmDrunk)12 Most Iconic Hats in Movie History (Unreality)Drag Race vs. Airplane (TotalProSports)Maximus vs. Robin Hood (Maxim)MMA Gif Party (CagePotato)Hayden Panettiere Bikini Pics (CelebJihad)20 Greatest Wrestlers of All Time (Smosh)Films That Were Better Than The Book (Pajiba)Star Wars Keyboard Lady (Atom)Summer Camps for Adults (MadeMan)Amish Stewart Fan (AllLeftTurns)
After having wrestled free from the clutches of Hollywood's strongest cougar, Brad Pitt is eyeing another big cat. Variety reports that Pitt may finally team up with Darren Aronofsky for The Tiger. Don't believe me? F you:[The Tiger] takes place on the Siberian plain, where human development is encroaching on the tigers’ habitat — and one tiger turns on the intruders. With townspeople being tracked and hunted with an almost supernatural power, a conservationist game warden must face down the tiger. It is a fight that only one of them can win.This marks the third time that Brad Pitt and Darren Aronofsky have almost worked together. Pitt has previously dropped out of two Aronofsky projects, The Fountain and The Fighter. Aronofsky was salty about it in the past but it looks like he's willing to let bygones be bygones. Either that or he's trying to feed Brad Pitt to a tiger. Revenge is a dish best served cold. And by tigers.
We're a step closer to seeing a 270-ft Helena Bonham Carter stomping her way through downtown Tokyo. Tim Burton is reportedly going kaiju with the news that he's being brought in as a "creative catalyst" for a movie based on the nerdy board game Monsterpocalypse. The game, for those of you who have touched boobs, features giant monster figurines that fight in a heavily-populated metropolis.I'm not sure how a creative catalyst works. Do they all just hang out and being around him somehow gets their juices going? Do they have to lick him like a hallucinogenic toad? I bet he tastes like candy corn. (Deadline)
Welcome to your hangover. The Adjustment Bureau is bringing Philip K. Dick back to the big screen, and in more of a Blade Runner way than a Paycheck way. Matt Damon plays an ambitious politician on the brink of winning a U.S. Senate seat when he meets ballet dancer Emily Blunt. Then sh*t gets unreal. Just as he's realizing he's falling for her, mysterious men conspire to keep the two apart. The motley crew known as The Adjustment Bureau is led by Roger Sterling of "Mad Men," and it's my asumption that when they're not determining people's fates they're aligning spines in their unstuffy chiropractic practice. It's the place right by the Baskin Robbins. Park on Oak though, there are never any spots on Main. Check out the trailer after the jump. The Adjustment Bureau has orchestrated its release for September 17, 2010.
And the winners are…"How deep do you think I can get it before he wakes up?""How could we have dropped garlic into his body during the operation?""They told me we would be dissecting FROGS in this class…""Could be worse. You could be at the end of a human centipede.""I've never seen a hairlip like this before."The winners will receive Daybreakers on their choice of either Blu Ray or DVD.Thanks to everyone who posted on the Screen Junkies Facebook wall. You guys came up with some great/sick stuff. We're concerned about most of your mental conditions.Daybreakers is available on Blu Ray and DVD today.
Doesn't the above image make you want to watch a porno? Apparently the Batman XXX Porno Parody succeeds by frightening the arousal into you. I bet you like that, don't you, sicko? We've seen adult entertainment parodies of The Big Lebowski, "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and "Dexter," and out of all of them I'd say Batman is at the bottom of my list of porns I have a mild curiosity in stealing from my dad. The "film" is directed by Alex Braun and distributed by Vivid. Take a gander at the second trailer for the Batman Porn Parody below. **Spinning dildo flies at screen, transitioning us to the next scene**
Swallow your peas, Dolph! This one's for all the fellas out there that love bulging muscles up in their grill. Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren will once again reignite their centuries old rivalry for Universal Soldier 4: 3D. John Hyams, who directed the previous film in the series, will return to show these guys which angles to punch one another at are best for camera.I would assume the project would go straight to DVD, but if that's the case why spend the money on 3D? Are they going to inflate DVD costs next? Or tax our eyeballs when this inevitably ends up on Spike TV?? Well, we won't stand for that. ATTICA! ATTICA!!! (Deadline)