Spielberg And Smith To Gang Bang Oldboy Morning News
Tuesday, January 27 by

Steven  Spielberg has drafted Will Smith into his quest to continue to take a dump on movies you hold in high esteem. This time it's Oldboy. The pair is just "in talks" at the moment and nothing official has been started. I like Will Smith, only because I don't dislike him. I also don't dislike the affordable and dependable Toyota Camry, Cinnabon, and MSNBC. They are all totally non threatening. Here's what's happening in Hollywood.   Oldboy Remake: Something Less Than Stunning? (Playlist) Hillary Duff And Guy To Go On Murderous Rampage (Filmdrunk) Marvel Gets Self Sued For $750 Million (Filmonic) Scott Bakula Not Dead, Will Be On The TV (Commingsoon) Racist Comic Book To Be Made Into Movie (/Film)

12 Art House Babes
Monday, January 26 by

It's a rare thing when a woman can appeal to both your brain and your boner. But through a blend of sexiness, quirk, smarts, and style, the following women have ingratiated themselves to our best and worst intentions. Keep up the good work, ladies.

Monday, January 26 by

Larry Moss demands a broader search for Bauer and Almeida during a speech to his whole department at FBI techno-thief headquarters. He's also starting to lose it over the possibiliy of Walker's death.Buchanan and Chloe arrive at Walker's temporary grave to unbury her. She's not breathing. "Get the adrenaline!" They pierce her heart with it, and she wakes up.Bauer asks Emerson how he got Almeida out of CTU. He explains this story about how Mr. Anderson intentionally missed his artery as he was injecting him with poision, and that Emerson's role was cultivate Almeida into a vengeful machine to use against Bauer. Almeida starts crying? Talking about brothers (he and Emerson) taking care of eachother? Lame.They get to the drop off point at an airport hangar where Emerson disarms Bauer and holds a gun up to his head. Almeida caps the other guy, and after an intense "take the shot!" sort of thing, Tony shoots Emerson dead.

Big Baby
Monday, January 26 by

Tonight I had a friend tell me that House is like a hospital based version of Law and Order. Although I have never particularly been a fan of Law and Order, I can see where this assessment is coming from. Both shows are investigative, have whacky multi-directional plot twists, and are based around characters with strong attitudes. Maybe I should start watching more Law and Order.

Knuckle Deep Monday Night Preview
Monday, January 26 by

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend. Jack Bauer spent it giving ladies the shocker (pictured above). Mine consisted of book shelving, cheap wine, and witnessing a midget dressed as Britney Spears strip to her underwear (Lil Wayne concert = worth the money). Tonight, House cares for a special ed teacher, and 24 heats up with Bauer starting to make his moves against the bad guys he's currently working for (crossing my fingers for a terrorist attack!). One of the greatest/funniest/golfiest movies of all time is also on tonight. More after the jump.

Tami Knows Best
Monday, January 26 by

Welcome back to Panther Nation all you friends of the yellow and blue. This week, we had an eventful installment as our Panthers played the Laribee Lions, Tim Riggins received interest from none other than the Oklahoma Sooners, Tami took on the town in her bid to reallocate the Jumbotron funds, Tyra Collette was elected senior class President, and Matt Saracen paid his estranged mother a visit. If you were a bit apprehensive after last week’s episode, rest assured that the Texas high school football gods heard your prayers and made it up to you this week.

Dead Guy, Nazi, and Homosexual Win Top Honors At SAG Awards
Monday, January 26 by

Ahh, the Hollywood Circle Jerk continues as award season gets into full swing with the adulations of the Screen Actors Guild being dished out last night. And the bottom line is this: Slumdog Millionaire is the best movie that has ever been made in the history of movies. That and more in your post-weekend, am news roundup.Corpse of Heath Ledger Dug Up, Paraded Around (/Film)Lycans Get Blarted (Filmdrunk)Seth Rogen Loses All That Fat For No Reason (JoBlo)Robert Downey Jr. Is James Bond, 1891 Style (Playlist)

BSG Recap: A Disquiet Follows My Soul
Sunday, January 25 by

If last week's episode was all about giving up, then this is about starting over.  Which makes sense, as this episode was really all about setting up the endgame of the entire series. Also: more unfit fathers than an entire Joss Whedon series!

Weekend Movie Lineup With Rising Lichens
Friday, January 23 by

This past monday was considered the most depressing day of the entire year. I don't know how scientists decided that, but they are scientists so we must stand behind them as a country and not question their important work. My point is that there is a possibility that this could be the most depressing weekend of the year. You are best served to only leave the couch in order to visit your local theatre, or to purchase more liquor. Here are your options.

Morning News With Rubber Breast Debate
Friday, January 23 by

As much fun as it is to listen to Pelosi talk about how big Obama's package is on MSMBC, I'm turning my attention to something much more important: Your Morning News. Marijuana Addiction Makes Woody Harrelson Forget Shoes (MTV)Rights to Fincher’s Torso in Limbo (/Film)Amy Fisher Makes A Porno (Filmdrunk)Pope Prepares To Sing Chocolate Rain, Film Cats (Variety)Sienna Miller Debates Rubber Breasts (EW) 

Retreat to Move Forward
Friday, January 23 by

Time to recap the best comedy on television: 30 Rock. I laughed, I cried, I prayed… nah, I just laughed. In this episode Jack convinces Lemon to go to an upscale retreat for businessmen, Tracy thinks he has diabetes and doesn’t care at all, and Jenna and Frank have sex. That’s right–the typically disgusting writer and the typically babe-ish actor hook up.   

Undercover Dunder-Mifflin Brothers
Thursday, January 22 by

David Wallace gives Michael a new assignment – travel to a small family business called Prince Paper to gather intel on their numbers so that they can put them out of business.  He takes Dwight with him but once he gets there finds following through with his plan more difficult.  Oh yeah, and also the entire office has a vote on whether or not Hillary Swank is hot.   It’s all after the jump.

Thursday TV Preview
Thursday, January 22 by

Just your typical Thursday Night TV– a solid chunk of laughs with new episodes from The Office and 30 Rock. And hey, why not dial into TruTV as a fallback during the commercials? Where else are you going to find the best penile fractures and crack fueled attempts at outrunning a helicopter with a 1987 Buick LaSabre? With music by Benny Hill.

Matlock And Tapioca Pudding Nominated For Oscars Links
Thursday, January 22 by

The big story of the day continues to be the massive FAIL on the part of the The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences regarding their Oscar nominations. I spend most of my day reading what I would like to think of as the opinions of younger, more in touch people. Mostly regarding movies, but sometimes regarding other stuff. These are the same sort of people that were massively influential in electing our new president, and who are way more adapted to the media environment that we're all living in. With that said, here are some of the fine works that represent this ascendent generation. Barack And Michelle Will Do What To Each Other? (Holy Taco) BIG NEWS FOR TWEENS! Dakota Fanning In New Moon? (Filmdrunk) Thelma and Louise. Only with 4 aging whores: Sex In The City 2 (WIMB) Seven Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Villains (Unrealitymag) Bill Hader To Cut People Into Tiny Pieces, Eat Them (Pajiba) Uwe Boll, Mike Myers Lead 'Official' 2008 Razzie Nominations (Playlist)

Thursday, January 22 by

This year's nominations are official. And there are a few categories with which I am taking immediate umbrage (throws down top hat, removes monocle) #1: The Wrestler should be nominated for Achievement in Costume Design. It took Mickey Rourke DECADES to weave that human suit out of growth hormone, horse steroids, hooker sweat, and amateur boxing matches.  #2. Springsteen's song for The Wrestler should have been nominated in the Original Song category. #3 The Reader does not deserve a nom for Best Picture. It's about a woman who can't read. We can not use America's preeminent award ceremony to promote illiteracy. #4. Benjamin Button was good, but not 13-noms-good. Check them out and have your say, Junkies.

Lost Premiere Recap: We have to go back.
Thursday, January 22 by

Okay, now that we’re all done releasing our three-minute long sighs of relief that the best drama on TV is back, it’s time to take a look at where our beloved islanders and mainlanders are nowadays. The islanders discover that they’ve somehow been unhinged from time and are bouncing around different times on the island, and Jack and Ben unite to recruit their old friends for a return visit to the island. Kate is also confronted with a choice to make about Aaron, and Hurley has to find a way to hide a dangerously tranquilized Sayid after they’re nearly shot down by assassins waiting in the gloom of Sayid’s room. It’s riveting, it’s fun, it’s a must watch, and it’s also right after the jump.

Wednesday Night TV Preview
Wednesday, January 21 by

If you've never seen Lost, then tonight is your night. The first hour attempts to recap everything that happened in the past four seasons, and then they proceeds to bombast you with a two hour premiere that will leave you stupeified and asking for more. Also check out FOX's new series Lie to Me starring Tim Roth as an expert in lie detection who helps the cops solve crimes. Would I be lying if I said I'm crapping my pants in anticipation for Lost? You be the judge.

13 Insanely Horrible Local TV Ads
Wednesday, January 21 by

Not every commercial can come from the typewriter of Darren Stevens or the desk of Don Draper. Here is a cluster of shoddily made local commercials. I urge you, DO NOT get up for a beer. Do not even get up to piss. Just sit back and enjoy these words from the sponsors.

Post Inauguration Hangover Links
Wednesday, January 21 by

There's this race in Portland, OR called the I-Tit-Arod where dudes have to go to every strip club in town and have a drink within 24 hours. There are something like 90 clubs. No one has ever finished the race. I hope there's a similar competition during the Inaugural Balls where young, brash Charlie-Wilson-esque state representatives have to stop at each party, chug a glass of scotch, sexually harass three Senate aids, and lobby for a new bridge in their home district. I'd call it the Inagarod. Now here's the links. A Shitty Day In The Life Of An Informmercial Actor (IAMBORED) The Music of Mark Gormley Is F'Ing Amazing (Gorilla Mask) ZOOEY WHATSERFACE IS CUTE (Filmdrunk) The Ten Greatest Lost WTF-isms (Unrealitymag) Because I Ain't Gonna See It: A Waltz With Bashir Review (Pajiba) Totally Not TV or Movie Related: Denise Milani Is Hot (Holytaco)

Olivia Dunham Will Kick Your Ass
Wednesday, January 21 by

The show opens with Olivia being held captive by five men in a secluded lab down by the docks. Yes, it's a typical kidnapping with guys in masks and her being tied down to a gurney. What's not typical is the female in distress, Olivia in this case, kicking, punching and shooting her way out. Yup, Olivia opens up this episode with quite the can of whoop-ass, check out what she does next after the jump.

7 Best Paternity Results Reactions
Tuesday, January 20 by

FROM: HOLY TACO. Why someone would want to be confronted with paternity test results on national television is beyond me. But then I'm also not addicted to meth, Aqua Net, and Value Cigarettes. Click HERE to witness some of these amazing reactions.

Inauguration Extravaganza TV Preview
Tuesday, January 20 by

Barack Obama and his Super Friends take over all the stations for prertty much the entire day and night. You have every channel commenting on every single gesture everyone makes, with interspersed shots of really excited people screaming and jumping to be seen on TV at the biggest bash of all time. What, you're not drunk yet? I'm trashed! Surprisingly, FOX is running their regular schedule, which includes the return of Fringe. Welcome to the age of Obama!

Presidential Motorcade Gatling Suburban
Tuesday, January 20 by

I've been watching the MSNBC inauguration coverage out of the corner of my eye today. With the few delays– like Ted Kennedy having a seizure and a few gaffs– like Chief Justice John Roberts bungling the inaugural oath, it's been a pretty amazing day in DC, and the anchors have done a solid job. They spent some time talking about how cock-diesel the new Presidential Limo is. 5 inch thick blast proof doors, chemical attack-proof oxygen system, and other things we'll never know about. But what they didn't mention was that this bad-boy gatling gun suburban rolls behind it in the motorcade parade that's currently taking place. Hope and change are important and all. But if things go south, spraying a wall of lead is a nice backup plan. Check this video.

Monday, January 19 by

Tonight’s episode is about pain. Well, not all about pain, but mostly about it. The patient suffers from intense chronic pain that nobody can cure. House suffers ever-increasing pain in his legs, and he is starting to wonder if this pain will ever leave.  Ohhh, and a pipe breaks in House’s home, leading to an extended metaphor for House’s physical condition. Along with this main theme of pain are the smaller sub-plots that make House one of the best shows on television. Thirteen and Foremon discuss their kiss, Taub and Kutner fight about the ethics of suicide, and Cuddy gets approved to be a foster mom.  It is these little sub-plots that have me tuning into House every week. That and House’s sarcastic banter. I love that sarcastic banter. The Patient

24 Recap: 12PM-1PM
Monday, January 19 by

Matobo and his wife, locked into the safe room, hang tight while Jack, Tony, and Emerson try and figure out a way in. Agent Walker, fresh from interrogating Tanner, speeds towards Matobo's house. But Larry Moss calls her enroute, asking about her methods of interrogation. "So you tortured him?"–"I got the information we needed." He demands that she come back, but Walker's stubborn, and tells him that she's got to make things right.

For Inaguration I’m Getting Some ‘Hores’ Link Time
Monday, January 19 by

This is basically the last night that you will sleep while George W. Bush is your president. For some of you this may be the sad parting of a hawkish visionary who's tough guy politics heralded in a new era of American dominance. Others may be puking joy as Commander Dickface heads back to Crawford or Dallas or wherever to hopefully wither into obscurity and never talk in a public forum again.  Whatever side you may be on, we will all most likely wake up tomorrow and things will basically be the same. Celebrate this new epoch of sameness with Screenjunkies and some of our link friends. Everyone Likes Sexy Commercials (UNCOACHED) Someone is Stealing the Jonas Brothers Underwear (Webster Is My Bitch) Planet 51 Looks Like Space Shrek For Jerkwads (Unreality Mag) GRAN TORINO REVIEW: GET OFF MY LAWN, GOOK (Filmdrunk) The 5 Worst-Selling Inauguration T-Shirts (Holy Taco)

MLK Day TV Preview
Monday, January 19 by

Here's a sobering MLK DAY factoid for you: 2000 was the first year all 50 states recognized it as a Federal holiday after it was passed as law in 1986. Ponder that a little bit, try to figure out why people wouldn't want a day off work, and then give yourself over to the TV. House is back in action tonight after a 4 week holiday break, and some terrorists are going to piss off Jack Bauer by flying planes into eachother. Your TV lineup after the jump.

Craziest Joaquin Phoenix Moments
Monday, January 19 by

Where the crap is Joaquin still getting all these Quaaludes from? I've been told by dealer after dealer that the world ran out in 1978.  One positive benefit to being a mega star in Hollywood is that you can get access to such awesome drugs and then when you're high enough you can announce to the world that you're going to become a rapper. One really bad part about Hollywood is that you can get access to so many crazy drugs and when you're high enough you can make the terrible mistake of deciding to pursue a rap career. To honor that land of unlimited substances and possibilities, and to continue our ongoing coverage of Joaquin Rappergate, here is a video list of some of his craziest moments. Wonderboying

I Knew You When
Monday, January 19 by

Hello all you Panther fans out there, this is Slammin’ Sammy Meade here welcoming you to another season of Dillon High School football. The first episode tied up a few loose ends left after the strike shortened last year’s team. Smash Williams hurt his knee in a devastating playoff loss, and lost his scholarship. His hopes are still high as we first encounter him doing calisthenics with the legendary Coach Taylor. Toward the end of the summer, Tyra and Landry also apparently called the whole thing off. They remain friends though, which may indicate a willingness to rekindle. Buddy’s ex-wife ran off with the kids to northern California to live with the environmentalist health food nut, leaving Lyla to live with her father. I must say I like this move, and that Buddy is better off without her.

A Good Opportunity
Sunday, January 18 by

It's business time once again from the Middle-Earthian duo Flight of the Conchords. Season two starts off with a meeting between Jemaine, Bret, and their manager Murray, who is more invested in hitmaking machine "The Crazy Dogs" (who have such hits as 'Doggy Bounce,' 'Doggy Dance,' and 'In the Pound') than the struggling Conchords. They fire Murray, who in anger double stuffs Jemaine ('stuff you Jemaine, stuff you Bret, and stuff you again Jemain'), and proceeds to burst into operatic ballad after they leave. The poor guy feels rejected, ejected, and unprotected like a baby in the snow.

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