‘Showgirls 2′ Red Band Trailer is Porn Minus Penetration
Wednesday, February 24 by

Showgirls 2: The Return – Redband Trailer – Watch more Movie TrailersMurder by dumbbell, tainted coke, nipples, and strobe filters. Showgirls 2 resembles the locker room at my local Bally's Fitness. Don't ask me why the janitor rapidly flicks the lights on and off in there. One second you're checking your weight, the next second you're the subject of a massive circle jerk.Someone willingly gave director Marc Vorlander $25 million dollars to film a sequel to the atrocious Showgirls and it appears he spent most of it on the retro 45-second title sequence at the end of the trailer. Wow, Vorlander directed this piece of sh*t?! I knew that guy in high school. He'd always flick the lights on and off in gym…wait a minute. Bally's janitor!   These links want a lap dance.The Most Racist Movies Ever (Moviefone)Creepy Batman Burlesque Show (Asylum)25 Sexy Snow Bunnies (HolyTaco)6 Ways to Get Lectured By Internet Commenters (Uproxx)Soccer Goalie Delivers Lethal Drop Kick (TotalProSports)10 Movies Where People's Heads Explode (Unreality)Pudzianowski's Next Opponent is a Fat Guy (CagePotato)Best Video Game Sports Reenactments (Maxim)Hot Alessandra Ambrosia Pics (CelebJihad)7 Best Buddy Cop Movies (Pajiba)Brangelina are Still Collecting Children (Atom) Sexy Spring Break Safety Tips (MadeMan)Danica and Dale Jr. at War (AllLeftTurns)

Mickey Rourke is Conan’s Papa
Wednesday, February 24 by

World's Greatest Dad.It was rumored some time ago that Mickey Rourke would portray Conan's dad in Marcus Nispel's upcoming Conan remake. The dealmaking fell through at the time but the producers likely sweetened the pot by offering a bag of sweetened pot (it's like kettle corn for your lungs). Now Rourke is close to signing on. As reported before Conan stars Fake Lenny Kravitz (with Leo Howard playing Lil' Conan) as he goes on a quest to avenge the slaughter of his people.This casting makes perfect sense. If Rourke were to have a child, there's no way that kid wouldn't grow up to have dreadlocks and a sword collection. (THR)

“The Situation” Has Tainted Bar Refaeli
Wednesday, February 24 by

Let's pack it up, boys. No need to follow Bar Refaeli around town with our "seduction" kits any longer. We couldn't HAVE her before because leading man Leo DiCaprio is tappin' that ass (plus we're ugly), and now we don't WANT her because her vajayjay has touched the back of "The Situation's" self-tanner smeared neck.The ab extraordinaire must have sold the remains of his soul to the Devil in exchange for the opportunity to hoist Refaeli up on his shoulders. The vomit-inducing act was apparently a legit photoshoot for Interview Magazine, but something tells me it was "The Situation's" idea. When I asked DiCaprio how he felt about his girlfriend's crotch on a guido's neck, he responded:"Mama, I want hot dogs. I want hot dogs, Mama."  I questioned a DVD of What's Eating Gilbert Grape. (TMZ)

Road to Oscar: Rest of the Nominees
Wednesday, February 24 by

 

Jonah Hill Responsible for Children in ‘The Sitter’
Wednesday, February 24 by

Jonah Hill has signed on for The Sitter, a comedy that's being compared to Adventures in Babysitting or Charles in Charge with less coke on set. Like Jackie Chan before him, Hill will play a babysitter in charge of the well-being of three children. Though unlike Chan he will not have the secret side-profession of international spy. Let us hope that the family doesn't have a pet pig or duck or whatever Hollywood decides to give them to make the marketing more quirky. The evening goes awry when Hill brings the kids to a drug dealer's house while trying to score some blow so that he can get laid. So, that's how he does it!!David Gordon Green is in talks to take over the directing duties from The Wackness's Jonathan Levine, who is currently working on I'm With Cancer. Buzz is that the script is hilarious, but what attracted Hill to the project was the mention that his babysitter character would have full fridge privileges. (THR)

Second ‘Karate Kid’ Trailer Includes Its Own Fart Sound
Wednesday, February 24 by

 "I just go where they tell me to."The biggest problem I have with The Karate Kid remake isn't the casting or the performances but the premise. In the second trailer, we see Jaden Smith uprooted 11,000 miles away from home and forced to adjust to life on the rough and tumble streets of Beijing. I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that China is worse than Detroit. If you've ever been to Michigan, you know it looks like the aftermath of a zombie war. In China, the only real menace is subway overcrowding. All that withstanding, I can see this movie doing well. Jaden Smith's smugness is played down and Jackie Chan works as the grizzled mentor. Also, a monk threatens to bitchslap a cobra. The only thing that doesn't work for me are the "humorous" moments. I mean, c'mon. Is this a remake of The Karate Kid or Rush Hour 2? WATCH JACKIE CHAN BEAT CHILDREN AFTER THE JUMP…

Lars Von Trier Wants You to Visit Denmark
Tuesday, February 23 by

Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von TrierThe Onion got their hands on a few new Denmark tourism ads that director/cinematic sadist Lars Von Trier has been putting together. I'm sure more folks are inclined to visit now that they're aware of the banging club scene, but a pictorial on Willem Defoe's naked, flexed ass would have brought them in in droves.Take a magical trip through today's links.The Future of 3D in Cinema (Moviefone)Worst Real-Life Bosses (Asylum)25 Terrible Athletes (HolyTaco)Epic 80s Stripper Documentary (FilmDrunk)Naked Sled Racing Should be in the Olympics (TotalProSports)8 Best Hilarious Cameos in Comedies (Unreality)UFC Will Overcharge Fans in Movie Theaters (CagePotato)22 Awesome Things That Look Like Yoda (Maxim)Hilary Duff Thanks Her Fiancé with Her Mouth (CelebJihad)'Nightmare on Elm Street' Movie Poster (Pajiba)ICP Juggalo News (Atom)How To Make a Viral Video (MadeMan)Jimmie Johnson On Late Late Show (AllLeftTurns)6 Reasons Why You Didn't Get Laid Last Night (RegretfulMorning)

Coen Brothers Invite 13-Year-Old Girl into ‘True Grit’ Production Van
Tuesday, February 23 by

After casting a nationwide net, Joel and Ethan Coen have found an actress to portray the young protagonist in their True Grit remake. Thirteen-year old Hailee Steinfeld will be joining forces with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon to hunt down Josh Brolin. Though Steinfeld isn't as popular as her co-stars, all of that is going to change. Her character, the fourteen-year old Mattie Ross, is described as a “simple, tough as nails, young woman in post-Civil War Arkansas. Her unusually steely nerves and straightforward manner are often surprising to those she meets. She possessed plenty of true grit and determination."Let's hope that Hailee Steinfeld is every bit as precocious as the character calls for. Remember, fourteen-year olds in Arkansas are considered mature for their age. They're at least mature enough to legally wed. (Deadline)

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Officially Dating and Pale
Tuesday, February 23 by

Pattinson always lets secrets slip when he's trippin' balls. Sharpen your razerblades all you emotionally fragile Twihards out there 'cause Kristen Stewart has officially stolen your man. Robert Pattinson confirmed that him and Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart have been dating for months but been keeping it a secret because they're frightened of girls cutting them open and parading around in their very own Edward and Bella suits. It was their wish to make their first public appearance as a couple at the BAFTA awards until they realized it's easier to be assassinated there.In kind of similar news, the vampire couple is being praised for their pasty white skin. Due to their popularity, experts predict that they could help lower cancer rates among impressionable teens and Jersey Shore fanatics. Kids in the school yard will learn that it's cool to be transparent, like my old friend Billy Costigan. We'd strip him down and hold him directly in front of the sun so we could watch as his heart pumped blood throughout his entire body. Our recesses were unsupervised. (DailyMail, CinemaBlend)

Bruce Willis Wants to Go Global for ‘Die Hard 5′
Tuesday, February 23 by

He's battled terrorists of the German, mercenary, cyber, and hot Asian persuasion. Now it looks like he's ready to go another round. With a string of recent duds behind him, Bruce Willis announced he'll be reprising the role of John McClane while promoting his upcoming dud Cop Out. According to Willis, this time around will see McClane stamp his passport and terrorism in one fell swoop."I think we're going to do a 'Die Hard 5' next year. It's got to go worldwide."He then lamented the plight of the action star."But I like so much more making fun of it, taking the piss out of it and not making it a big deal. Not making the fact that I've acted in a lot of movies a big deal. It's all illusion and it's all bullsh*t and it's a great job for me to have, but everything else you can set on fire. Making people laugh is the real deal."The ghost of Chris Farley commented "F*********ck you," while pouring over pictures of Willis's hot wife. (MTV)

Dolph Lundgren Does Elvis, Karate
Tuesday, February 23 by

Dolph Lundgren Sings Elvis, Smashes Stuff – Watch more Funny Videos

Kevin James and Vince Vaughn to Double-Team Craft Services Table
Tuesday, February 23 by

A lot of food gets wasted on film and commercial sets but that shouldn't be a problem on Ron Howard's upcoming comedy. Kevin James is expected to sign-on to play opposite Vince Vaughn in the untitled comedy about infidelity. In the film, Vaughn will play a man who finds out his best friend's wife is cheating and struggles with what to do with that knowledge. James, who appears next in Grown Ups, will play the betrayed friend who struggles with a pair of Docker's.It's good to see Ron Howard returning to comedy. I'm optimistic that these three will turn out genuinely touching, funny moments with a lot of heart. An enlarged heart, if you will. (THR)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4: ON STRANGER TIDES
Tuesday, February 23 by

DIRECTOR: Rob MarshallCAST: Johnny Depp; Penelope Cruz; Ian McShaneSYNOPSIS: Captain Jack Sparrow races to find the Fountain of Youth.

A Pirate’s Life for Ian McShane in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 4′
Tuesday, February 23 by

Let's thank the Internet for this nightmare image.Disney has given Ian McShane the executive order to stop shaving. Deadwood's pimp and murderer has been selected to portray the notorious pirate Blackbeard in Rob Marshall's Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides. It's time to celebrate. Open the f*ckin' canned peaches!If McShane signs on, he'll be squaring off against Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow as he slurs and mumbles and gets slapped by women while trying to find the Fountain of Youth. Penelope Cruz has also joined the cast recently as Depp's atractivo sexualmente foil (translation: corset boobs). With these two casting additions, this could be a film to look forward to. Richardson has given it his seal of approval. (THR)

Dog Bugs Out to ‘Law & Order’ Theme
Monday, February 22 by

This pooch does not take kindly to Law & Order's classic theme. There's no telling if it's the "bum bums" or the "wah wahs" that rattle the canine brain, but I think we're ignoring the obvious. Richard Belzer has HUGE ears, people! They're so freakishly large! Large! Larf! Arf! ARF! (BoingBoing)ARF! ARF! ARF! (Here are today's links)10 Best Twist Endings in Movies (Moviefone)Have Porn Parodies Gone Too Far? (Asylum)25 Terrible Parents (HolyTaco)Mickey Rourke Needs a Condom (FilmDrunk)Hitler Sounds Off About USA's Victory Over Canada (TotalProSports)Tom Green Freestyles Better Than Xzibit (Unreality)The Green Ranger Rides Again in 2nd MMA Fight (CagePotato)Women Who Like to Get Wet (Maxim)Rachel Bilson Photo Shoot Outtakes (CelebJihad)DiCaprio May Wear Some Hammer Pants (Pajiba)A Video Chat Grosser Than Chat Roulette (Atom)Space Savers for Small Apartments (MadeMan)Miss Sprint Cup Paige Duke (AllLeftTurns)

Internet Pressures Betty White to Host ‘SNL’
Monday, February 22 by

We may have a problem on our hands as the combined might of college students and their Internet-savvy grandparents are realizing their strength. In the past week, not only have Facebook users managed to make a pickle more popular than Canadian ass-rockers Nickleback, but they may have also convinced Lorne Michaels to hire the dumb Golden Girl to host an upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live. A group of Betty White-heads nearly half a million strong took to the social networking site and petitioned for their favorite octogenarian to headline the show. And now Michaels is reportedly trying to put together a show that will work with White's advanced age. From Michael Aussiello:White would not be hosting alone. Rather, I hear SNL is putting together a “Women of Comedy” episode that would team the former Rose Nylund with several of her younger contemporaries. Ex-SNL MVP Molly Shannon is on board, I hear, and feelers have also been put out to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.When told of the wellspring of support from her fans, White was reportedly thrilled/ready for dinner at 4pm. (EW)

Gory New ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ Pics
Monday, February 22 by

I'll have what she's having.A handful of new stills from the upcoming A Nightmare On Elm Street remake have appeared online and it turns out that Freddy won't just only be running his claws along walls and pipes for dramatic effect. Yeah, we get it. He's proud of that glove. Smelting and soldering are hard. Showboating, burnt weirdo.Judging from the pics and trailer, this film doesn't stray too far from the original but the surprises they do throw in look like really cool additions. By that I mean, A Nightmare on Elm Street now with hotter chicks. (MovieGod)SLIGHT SPOILERS AFTER THE JUMP BUT ONLY IF YOU DIDN'T ASSUME TEENS WOULD SUFFER FROM QUADRUPLED WOUNDS…

Natalie Portman Wants to Blaze Up a Fatty
Monday, February 22 by

A few years ago Natalie Portman started a production company named Handsomecharlie Films in order to develop projects that "better suited her tastes." Apparantly one of those tastes is the sweeeeet sticky icky.In addition to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Portman is now developing a stoner comedy called Best Buds about two female friends who take a road trip to their friend's wedding in order to save her by bringing her weed. It's said to be like Half Baked or Harold and Kumar except in this one the protagonists know what it's like to touch boobs. Between this project and Your Highness with Danny McBride, Portman could emerge as High Times Magazine's "Actress of the Year." Though it's an honor just to be nominated. (Pajiba)

9 Movie Plot Threads That Go Nowhere
Monday, February 22 by

 Films only have a limited time to get their whole story across.  If a crazy dragon thing is introduced on Pandora early in a film, you can bet your bottom dollar that the main Na’vi hero will be riding that dragon thing by forcing his sexual ponytail into it by the end.  But sometimes, threads are introduced in films that really don’t add up to anything.  Whether it’s laziness or stupidity no one can say for sure.  Except me.  And I say it is laziness and stupidity.  Here are 9 movie plot threads that don’t really go anywhere.Batman Returns – Max Shreck’s Reverse Power Plant

Kevin Smith Wants Seann William Scott to ‘Hit Somebody’
Monday, February 22 by

Kevin Smith wants Seann William Scott to take it to the boards for his new hockey comedy Hit Somebody. The script is based on a Warren Zevon song with lyrics by Mitch Alborn that tells the story of a hockey enforcer who strives to score a single goal in a game. No deal is in place yet but this is who Smith really wants for the project. Having worked together most recently on Cop Out, Smith says of Scott:"I had all the elements in place, and the one thing I was missing was the personality. Generally I like to write to a voice, but I didn't know who that voice was or what that voice could be. And then after spending all the time with Seann on this movie, he's pitch perfect. He is that guy."He goes on to say:"I look at this as Seann's opportunity to go to the (Tom) Hanks level."What does that entail? Goofy wigs and AIDS dramas? If I were to cast a movie called Hit Somebody, my immediate choice would be to hire Sean Penn. (NHL.com)

‘Growing Pains’ Actor Andrew Koenig is Missing
Sunday, February 21 by

Andrew Koenig, a filmmaker and actor best known for his portrayal of "Boner" Stabone on Growing Pains, has officially been declared a missing person. Koenig was last seen in Vancouver on February 14th but did not make his flight back to the U.S. on the 16th. Several friends and the Vancouver Police are working tirelessly to find the missing Koenig and urging that everyone take to the Internet to help get the word out. If you have any information about Koenig's whereabouts, please contact Detective Raymond Payette of the Vancouver PD at 604-717-2534.I was a huge fan of Keonig's work on Growing Pains when I was a kid. Please help spread the word. I really hope that Boner pops up soon. (via Maximum Fun)

Maggie Q is New ‘Nikita’
Saturday, February 20 by

Extremely attractive Asian actress Maggie Q is in talks to play the title character in CW's reboot of Nikita. You might ask, "Ain't dat role usually for a white b*tch?" and I would answer you, "Yes, only a white b*tch has played Nikita in the past." Anne Parillaud first played the sexy assassin in Luc Besson's 1990 film, followed by Bridget Fonda in the inevitable American remake, and Peta Wilson in the 1997 USA series.CW and creator Craig Silverstein's take on the story is that a new Nikita is being trained to replace the original one after she goes rogue. I can understand your feelings of meh-ness at this concept, but let me squash that indifference by telling you I have read the pilot script and enjoyed it thoroughly. There's tons of action, hot slightly older assassins (Nikita), hot teenage assassins (new Nikita), and witty dialogue. I'd say it's very much like Alias, but I was never a huge fan of that show so I'll say it's like…a better Alias. The casting choice of Maggie Q really seals the deal for me though. She almost kicked John McClane's ass in Live Free or Die Hard, and I expect her to succeed on all fronts in her new endeavor. Also, on the show, she should wear a tight leather suit when she isn't wearing a tight leather cocktail dress. Just a suggestion for ratings gold. (THR)

Photobomb Fridays: ‘Tootsie’ + Tranny
Friday, February 19 by

Seems the audtion process needs a few more checks and balances. Here are your weekend links.Black Hollywood's 10 Game-Changing Films (Moviefone)Zebra Escapes in Downtown Atlanta (Asylum)25 Dog Fails (HolyTaco)Make a Damned Pong Movie Already (FilmDrunk)This Cricket Fan Had One Too Many (TotalProSports)10 Celebrities Turned Muscle Heads (Unreality)The UFC Has No Loyalty to Anyone (CagePotato)Best Supporting Mustaches (Maxim)Megan Fox Looks Cold in W Magazine (CelebJihad)Leonardo DiCaprio Career Assessment (Pajiba)57 Seconds of Abuse (Atom)15 Great Jack Drinks (MadeMan)Dale Earnhardt Jr. Gear Contest (AllLeftTurns)

Conan is Taking His Show on the Road
Friday, February 19 by

Conan O'Brien keeps finding ways to outfox NBC. Since refusing the network's attempt to eff him over, he went on to rip them a new one night in and night out on his ill-fated Tonight Show. Then he walked away with $44 million dollars of what can only be described as "F*ck You" money. A clause in the contract precludes him from returning to television screens until September of 2010 but the show must go on. There's news today that he's kicking around the idea of doing live shows across the country. Of course, he has all that aforementioned "F*ck You" money so why would he care about a few concert dates? Well, it would capitalize nicely with all the people who were suddenly with Coco, and that would help him secure a deal with another network. There's no word on what elements from his NBC shows he would bring along with him, if any at all. It would be great to see him do a few of his crazier bits and really let loose. I just hope that he doesn't break out his guitar. Oh crap. He's totally going to break out his guitar, isn't he? (Page Six)

Jay Baruchel Blows His Wad in ‘She’s Out of My League’ Red-Band Clip
Friday, February 19 by

What a punum on this one. The vein in the forehead really sells it for me. In this red-band clip from She's Out of My League, Jay Baruchel tries to hold it in for Alice Eve, but, understandably, fails. I WISH I had the opportunity to destroy a pair of Dockers due to Alice-Eve-friction on my sensitive areas. She wouldn't even have to touch. A simple glance would send me twitching and flopping to the ground. Oh pretty ladies, how they make standing in line at Subway such a chore. Tell us your birthday to check out the red-band clip here, and try to control yourself.

Jay Leno’s Grandiose Delusions Continue in New Promo
Friday, February 19 by

NBC premiered the first promo for Jay Leno's return to The Tonight Show during last night's Olympics broadcast. The results were not so good. Actually it's not entirely fair to call this a new promo. It's literally the same footage he used for his The Jay Leno Show promo with the Beatle's "Get Back" over-dubbed. Talk about polishing a turd. Get back to where you once belonged? I'll tell you where you can get back to, Leno. You can get back to, um, elsewhere. (Burned him.) Of course, Kevin Eubanks won't come along for the ride but for now we can seek solace in knowing that someone out there will ask the hard-hitting questions. Like, "Hey Vince Vaughn. What is your favorite sandwich?" For the record, the answer is all of them. Vince likes all the sandwiches.

William Shatner is Dad in ‘Shit My Dad Says’
Friday, February 19 by

Sh*t My Dad Says is officially going to pilot at CBS with William Shatner in place as the crosspatch dad. The addition of the star/inexplicable-mountain climber with his complete awesomeness forced CBS to greenlight the multi-camera comedy.Written by Justin Halpern and former Screen Junkies editor Patrick Schumacker, the show tells the story of a young man who returns to the nest and the profane advice of his father. Shatner is a perfect fit. Just imagine him saying, "Don't mess with him…Trust me, you don't f*ck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable." Actually, you could tell me that originally came from Shatner's Twitter and I would believe you.

New ‘Kick-Ass’ Red Band Trailer
Friday, February 19 by

Those tissues aren't for the tears. The new red band trailer for Kick-Ass tackles a subject very near and dear to all teenagers. The protagonist's dedication to making regular spank bank donations leads him to a higher calling: kicking ass without the help of super powers. I thought I'd be sick of more Kick-Ass footage, but the new trailer succeeds in its attempt to get me even more amped up. I'm thinking of stretching a pair of my neighbor's pantyhose over my head and putting an end to crime. I'll then be arrested for breaking into my neighbor's house and stealing her pantyhose, a charge I'll vehemently defend as a necessary evil.  Check out the trailer below.

Good News For Sony’s ‘Spider-Man’ Reboot
Friday, February 19 by

There's been a few new developments with the Spider-Man reboot that may have a positive effect on the unnecessary reboot. We already know that director Marc Webb recently met with James "Piss in the Soup" Cameron, but now there's word that he's met with another heavy hitter. Comics demi-god Brian Michael Bendis tweeted yesterday that he and the filmmakers had a meeting at Sony. He went on to comment, "very, very cool stuff!!"Bendis should know what is and isn't cool in the world of superheroics. He's written many of the best comics out there, including Ultimate Spider-Man, and has won five Eisner Awards. There's no word if Bendis will re-write the script or consult with story changes but the fact that they even met is a step in the right direction. My nerd boner is 19% chubby as of right now. But it could be easily deflated depending on what little f*cktard nabs the role of Peter Parker. (Bendis Twitter)

People Are Crazy: Post-Rapture Kennel Care
Thursday, February 18 by

Don't worry, when there's no more heathens these saved survivors will take care of your pets. I just hope it's a single animal to a cage. Fraternizing gives my dog the runs. (Videogum)These links guarantee access to heaven. Hollywood's 10 Most Eeeeevil Actors (Moviefone)Traveling at Light Speed Will Kill You (Asylum)Epic Beard Man's Doodles (HolyTaco)Kevin Smith Won't Shut Up About Southwest (FilmDrunk)Shaq Turned Down by Shakira (TotalProSports)Most Random Superwoman Picture Ever (Unreality)Interview: Ben Rothwell Talks Cro Cop (CagePotato)California NASCAR Babes (Maxim)Justin Bieber Torments 3 Year Old Girl (CelebJihad)The Best Snow Movies (Pajiba)It's Really Hard to Tell a Girl You Love Her (Atom)How to Decode a Restaurant Menu (MadeMan)Auto Club 500 Odds (AllLeftTurns)