FIGHTING CREATES SAD FACES
Friday, April 24 by

Fighting Makes Sad Faces (FilmDrunk)55 Scandalous Barbie Photos (Manofest)Lets Shag Ass! (Pajiba)Becky B's Spank Bank (GorillaMask)Hilarious Egg Genie (IAmBored)5 Retarded Superstitions (Cracked)Robert Rodriguez To Direct Predators (Filmofilia)

NEW ‘HALLOWEEN: H2′ TRAILER
Friday, April 24 by

The new trailer for Rob Zombie's H2 Halloween reboot sequel is out. I think this might be the first sequel of a reboot to a franchise that actually specifically refers to itself as a sequel in the title.  But I could be wrong.  Feel free to berate me in the comments section, but be constructive, now!  The trailer, which you'll find after the jump, starts out with a post car accident Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) repeating "I killed him" ad nauseam while some poor beat cop can't get her to say who she killed, because, you know, that would be useful for the paperwork he's going to have to file.  Then we go to the hospital, where Laurie's admitted, broken leg and all, to recover.  You know, I was excited for this until I saw that they gave her a broken leg.  Do you realize how good sound designers are these days at making bone cracking sounds?  Yeah.  It's to the point where you don't have to even show the bone breaking.  You just need to have some Foley artist in a 5 x 5 box crinkling Cheetos bags into a microphone.  Chills.  Then vomiting, I tell you. 

‘OBSESSED’ REVIEWED BY HACKY BLACK COMIC
Friday, April 24 by

By Taco Perkins Editor’s Note: Per Taco Perkins’ request, we have provided a sample of LL Cool J’s “Rock the Bells.”  According to Taco, this will get you in the proper mood for his comical stylings. TacoPerkins Opening – Watch more Funny Videos

Morning News That Will Cut You
Friday, April 24 by

Fans of excessive knife-based violence rejoice!! The web is abuzz with reports that Robert Rodriguez is bringing a feature length Machete to the big screen with filming set to begin as early as June. The film stars Danny Trejo as a double-crossed assassin on a vengeance mission. Rodriguez is set to co-direct with his longtime editor Ethan Maniquis. No word yet on which director has final cut. Ha-cha-cha-cha!!Full story here (Empire)NBC trims Heroes show order. (TV Guide)  Stephen Sommer's G.I. Joe movie has super suits. Set disbelief to 'suspend'. (io9)  Very cool Star Wars paintings. (/film) Anna Faris reaches her sexual qouta. Dang it!! (Pajiba)  Burning Down The House: The Story of CBGB opens at Tribeca Film Festival. (MTV) 

LEONARDO LINKS, DONATELLO STILL DOES MACHINES.
Thursday, April 23 by

More Observations on the Live Action Ninja Turtles Film (FilmDrunk) Hot Video Game Girl Pics (UnrealityMag) Auto-Tune the News (UniqueDaily) Your Blog Didn't Get Buzz On ESPN? (MoonDogSports) Fabio Is Rad (Manofest) Rian Johnson Discusses His Newest Project (Pajiba) Alexis Lopez Is Spankin Hot (GorillaMask) Can You Swallow The iPod Shuffle? (IAmBored) The Worst Book Review Ever (Cracked) Watch The Opening Of Brothers Bloom (Filmofilia) A Sneak Peek At God Killer (DreadCentral) Jen Seems Like A Popular Girl (HolyTaco) Bianca Cruz Needs Your Help (BustedCoverage) Gianne Albertoni Gallery (Uncoached) Tribeca Film Festival Kicks Off! (ThePlaylist)

Southland Recap: See the Woman
Thursday, April 23 by

Domestic disputes, botched tracheotomies, stolen vehicles, and Tom Sizemore make for another interesting episode in this week’s installment of Southland TherapySherman begins his day by sharing a few words with his shrink.  She’s moved from her private practice and it’s only her second day with the department.  They talk about private school, and Sherman mentions that he used to attend private school until his father walked out on his mom.  Then he went to public school.  He reveals his family history for those of you who missed it last week.  Sherman’s father was a defense attorney who had some seedy clients.  At age ten his father split, but one of his clients visited Sherman’s home and beat up his mother while the boy watched. 

30 Rock Recap: The Ones
Thursday, April 23 by

The show opens with Liz Lemon and Jack and at a jewelry store where Jack informs Liz that he is buying Elisa an engagement ring. Liz is surprised but Jack informs her that Elisa is 'The One'. Pulling a classic Lemon, Liz then drops the ring down a heating vent. It then cuts to the TGS crew standing around with Kenneth explaining to them that they cannot bring in a box of donuts because of the risk of food allergies, including his own severe allergy to strawberries. It turns out that the box of donuts was actually just a prank to scare Lutz, who ends up falling back into a TV monitor and hurting himself.As Liz enters her office she finds Elisa who, unknown to Jack, has actually been back in town for three weeks. Elisa tells Liz that she has a terrible secret and cannot marry Jack. She asks Lemon to break the news to Jack, gives her a pretty unnecessary but awesome kiss goodbye, and is gone.

Parks and Recreation Recap: The Reporter
Thursday, April 23 by

The episode opens, as the others have, with Leslie outdoors with some children. But this time, to digress from the other episodes, they are on a pre-teen nature hike (it used to be a teen nature hike, but they changed the name after a girl got pregnant, confesses Knope), where she unwittingly eats a poisonous plant for no apparent reason, and as her tongue begins to swell, the credits kick in. Welcome to Pawnee!

10 TMNT CHARACTERS WE WANT ON FILM
Thursday, April 23 by

So, by now everyone knows that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are getting yet another big screen live-action movie via Legendary Pictures & The Mirage Group.  I say huzzah, dudes! …

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (2011)
Thursday, April 23 by

A live action retelling of the Ninja Turtles' origin story, from Mirage Studios and Executive Producer Peter Laird. 

ROONEY MARA IN TALKS TO PLAY NANCY IN ‘NIGHTMARE’ REBOOT
Thursday, April 23 by

The other week, we spent a whole feature speculating which actress would/should take over the role of heroine Nancy Thompson in Platinum Dunes and Sam Bayer's A Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  Well, now Bloodydisgusting reports that actress Rooney Mara is in negotiations to do just that.Judging by Mara's credits, which include a couple episodes of "E.R." and the upcoming Youth in Revolt with Michael Cera, the negotiations probably involved Platinum Dunes calling up Mara's representation, Mara's representation calling Mara into a meeting to tell her, Mara hesitating for a nanosecond to take in what this will mean for her career, Mara's representation slapping Mara hard across the face (probably back-handed for emphasis), and then Mara taking the gig and agreeing to also schlep coffee and wax the producer's car when she's not shooting a scene – SAG rules be damned. 

Hey You Guuyysss!! Morning News
Thursday, April 23 by

Corey Feldman spilled the beans on his blog yesterday about Empire Magazine's Goonies reunion interview and photo-shoot. He noted that the entire cast and Richard Donner and Steven Spielberg were on-hand to reminisce about the classic film. That must have been an awkward room.   COREY: Hi Steven! SPEILBERG: Oh, hi Corey… how's things? COREY: Good, you know. Working on my music. That kinda thing. Still acting though. Still into that. SPEILBERG: Oh… Yeah… That's pretty cool. COREY: How about you? Got anything coming up? Maybe you could find me a rol– SPEILBERG: Hey Corey. Sorry. I've been ignoring Chunk all night. Let me just pop over and say hi to him. COREY: Oh. Yeah. Sure. Totally. Say hi to Chunk. We'll catch up later.   (notices Richard Donner a few feet away.)   COREY: Oh. Hey Richard! Here's the rest of your morning news… Spiderman 4 in 3D. Wow! It's like Kirsten Dunst's teeth are really poking out at you. (/film)   Kate Mara joins Iron Man 2. (Empire) Rooney Mara joins A Nightmare On Elm Street. (Bloody Disgusting) Billy Bob Thornton calls bloggers humpbacked geeks. Hey!!!! (Film Drunk)  New live-action Ninja Turtle movie on the way. (Latino Review)

Scrubs Recap: My Cuz
Wednesday, April 22 by

J.D. struggles with the realities of being a part time father when he learns that Kim is now dating Sean, Elliot’s ex-boyfriend.  Meanwhile, Turk busts some balls to get promoted to the position of Chief of Surgery. Car SexElliot and J.D. are in the car on the way to Kim’s house to drop off Sam.  Kim answers the door and adjusts J.D.’s collar.  On the way home Elliot makes J.D. pull over for car sex so she can mark her territory.  Elliot's possessive nature forces her to get intimate with J.D. if Kim so much as touches him.  J.D. has found a way to make this work to his advantage.  The next time he drops Sam off, he places a piece of fuzz in his own hair so that Kim will reach into it and pluck the fuzz, sending Elliot into a frenzy.  Before leaving for car sex, Kim introduces her new boyfriend, Sean, who is Elliot’s ex and J.D.’s arch-nemesis. Making It Happen

OBSESSED WITH ALI LARTER
Wednesday, April 22 by

This Friday, Obsessed opens in theaters.  If you aren't aware, it's basically a reimagining of Fatal Attraction, only the filmmakers replaced Michael Douglas and Anne Archer with 'The Wire' & 'The Office's Idris Elba and Beyoncé Knowles, thereby creating the setup for 1000 standup jokes about how 'that white bitch Glenn Close' would never 'have f*cked with Beyoncé.'  Obsessed also stars Ali Larter in the Glenn Close role, and judging by the trailer, I bet Ali's jaw is still sore from all the scenery she chewed while making the film.  Check out the photos of Ali after the jump:

HIT GIRL: THE BARELY LEGAL ASSASSIN
Wednesday, April 22 by

The above pic is of actress Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl/Mindy Macready in Mathew Vaughn's Kick-Ass.  Read more on her developments at FilmofiliaToday's Links:We Want The Old Wayans Brothers (FilmDrunk)The Best Public Access Video Ever! (Manofest)What's The Worst Sequel Ever? (Pajiba)Markesa's Hot Spank Bank (GorillaMask)Pre-Interview Tony Danza (IAmBored)6 Awesome Villain Lairs (Cracked)New Motion Picture Purgatory (DreadCentral)Action Figures We Can Relate To (Holytaco)Catrinel Menghia Is HOT (BustedCoverage)Lisa Rinna Is Still Smoking (Uncoached)Kings Gets Booted To Summer (Unreality)Are Rock Music Doc's Dying? (ThePlaylist)Gom Totemeal (TomOatmeal)Awesome Spin Kick KO (NothingToxic)

WHAT NATURAL DISASTER MOVIES TEACH US
Wednesday, April 22 by

Hollywood has always made itself feel better by producing films with an environmental message.  But generally, behind the wafer-thin veil of humanitarian morality play is a big-budget special effects and explosions.  Or sometimes it’s just Kevin Costner.  Still, many of Hollywood’s “cautionary” Natural Disaster Movies have given us some great dialogue and exchanges that will stand the test of time, and keep teaching our children’s children’s children important lessons until the ozone layer depletes and they are incinerated like ants under a massive magnifying glass.  *cockroaches rejoice in a long-awaited victory* Here are some of those great pieces of Natural Disaster film dialogue, and what we can learn from them:  

NISPEL’S EQUATION: ‘CRANK’ + ‘TAKEN’ = PACEMAKER
Wednesday, April 22 by

According to Production Weekly, Marcus Nispel, director of both the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th remakes, is attached to direct Pacemaker, written by Lars Jacobsen.  Jacobsen's only other credits are as writer/director/producer of Baby Blues, a psychological thriller about post-mortem depression, and as writer of C.O.D., in development at Dreamworks.  Pacemaker is described as "Crank meets Taken," which unfortunately results in the portmanteau Tank.  Also, with a name like Pacemaker, it conjures up a "Crank meets Cocoon" pitch line.  What?  You'd see that?  And you'd like to see the promotional one-sheet?  Right now?  In the room?  So glad you asked…

‘FIGHTING’ OPENS FRIDAY; WIN TIX TO ‘UFC 98′
Wednesday, April 22 by

This Friday, April 24th, you can catch Terrence Howard and Channing Tatum hustling and busting heads (respectively – Howard's a lover, not a fighter) in the aptly named Fighting, directed by Dito Montiel, who helmed the underrated A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints.  Check out the trailer. Fighting Trailer – Watch more Movie TrailersAlso, if you head to Break.com and Cage Potato's fancy Fighting page, you can watch some bloody, badass underground MMA videos and WIN A CHANCE TO ATTEND U.F.C. 98!  I, like Howard, am a lover and not a fighter, so I will only be watching on the TV, so as to avert my eyes from the violence in private.  I am also like Howard in that I will not be playing War Machine in Iron Man 2. 

Morning News Got Game
Wednesday, April 22 by

The Controller tells the riveting tale of a video game CEO who must save his wife from kidnappers. How must he save her, you ask? By playing XBox Live of course. Finally a movie that DARES to capture all of the exhilaration of watching somebody else play video games. I've posted the "exciting" trailer below. The special effects in this movie are anything but. I can't tell if they are supposed to be finalized graphics or a work print of Iron Man 2. More morning news… Andy Samberg is a penis baby in this chuckle-inducing Movie Awards promo. (MTV)Movie Star Death Tolls (Premiere) Hugh Jackman vandalizes sidewalk. (Reuters) Jason Statham is the new Charles Bronson. (/film)Dimension picks up hot college girl script. (Empire)Funny People photos and interview reveal fat guy on a tiny bike. (Playlist) 

‘WANTED 2′ PRODUCER MILLAR FLINGS POOH BACK AT HATERS
Tuesday, April 21 by

Everyone has been up in arms over the fact that the sequel to wanted is going to be written by an unknown who’s only real credit is “Pooh’s Heffalump movie.” Which everyone agrees is the Wanted of animated films. Today, the film’s producer (and Wanted creator) Mark Millar defended the choice:“This guy is supposed to be really good. He did a GREAT action script recently (on an unproduced movie) and that’s what got him this gig.”I love that the producer said the writer was “supposed to be really good.” I was really hoping his next line was going to be “I mean, I haven’t read anything he’s written but someone told me he was good, and that was enough for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Now if you'll excuse me, I have to come up with a lie as to why I can't attend my child's parent teacher conference." I feel like people should cut this writer some slack. It’s not like he’s writing the sequel to Shawshank redemption. It’s Wanted. Bullets fly around. There are hot chicks, and people die. You can pretty much rearrange those phrases in each scene, add voice over, and you’ve got a sequel. Let’s see what he comes up with.

EVEN MICHAEL BAY’S SMALL INDIE FILMS ARE ON STEROIDS
Tuesday, April 21 by

Okay Okay…Point Break…And Body Builders! (FilmDrunk)Racial Harmony Furniture (Manofest)Frost Wrestles Nixon (Pajiba)Marlee Magidson Is Spankin Hot (GorillaMask)Hilarious Toy Failures (IAmBored)5 Ways To Make Water Magic (Cracked)Away We Go To Hit Festivals (Filmofilia)Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (DreadCentral)Steven Seagal Is Awesome (Unreality)Spotting Fake Yahoo Questions (HolyTaco)Hot Bikini Body (BustedCoverage)Lea. Viglione. Is. Hot (UnCoached)Brett Ratner Does Milli Vanilli (ThePlaylist)

MIDGETS VS. MASCOTS!
Tuesday, April 21 by

When you hear the title Midgets vs. Mascots, you probably have an image in your sick little head of Midgets fighting Mascots.  Turns out you'd be right in this case.  The film, Midgets vs. Mascots premiers this weekend at the Tribeca Film Festival.  My how their artistic standards have dropped.  Why, I remember but a few years ago my Colonoscopy musical was rejected after the second round:Midgets vs. Mascots Trailer – Watch more Funny VideosMidgets vs. Mascots is a shockumentary featuring a wide variety of celebs including Ron Jeremy and Gary Coleman.  Both Midgets and Mascots must fight each other in a wide variety of extreme contests to win a million dollar prize. It Screens all weekend at Tribeca and if you want info on how to see it live, Click Here

NEW X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE PROMO
Tuesday, April 21 by

There's only a week and a half 'til X-Men Origins: Wolverine drops, and Fox is making its last ditch efforts for a big opening weekend.  Here's the newest promo with some direct-addresses from Emma Frost, Blob, Stryker, Gambit, Wolverine and a few others. Wolverine TV Promo – Watch more Funny Videos It's like Marvel's version of a Nike Women's soccer commercial.  Like Mutants are the equivalent of Mia Hamm, who was told as a girl that sports are for men, but whose will eventually triumphed.  Or maybe it's a Visa anti-identity theft spot from back in the late '90s.  See what I mean with an unofficial 'junkie-tized Wolvie promo after the jump:

KILLER MOVIE DEATHS
Tuesday, April 21 by

By Mike HammerIn showbiz everybody wants to finish with a big bang. In these movies … unfortunate bad guys hit the end of the road…hard. In fact, these finishing touches come garnished with meltdowns, eviscerations, suffocations and occasionally a delightful animal flesh feast. The following are the best of the big screens, not-so-happy…but always ball-clenching endings.  We hope you can make it through to the finish.     Death Toll   The Godfather, 1972

20 KILLER MOVIE DEATHS
Tuesday, April 21 by

In showbiz everybody wants to finish with a big bang. In these movies … unfortunate bad guys hit the end of the road…hard. In fact, these finishing touches come garnished with meltdowns, eviscerations, suffocations and occasionally a delightful animal flesh feast. The following are the best of the big screens, not-so-happy…but always ball-clenching endings.  We hope you can make it through to the finish.     Death Toll   The Godfather, 1972Sonny (James Caan) gets spectacularly snuffed when he leaves the Corleone compound and hits the highway to go into Manhattan and kick the crap out of brother-in-law Carlo for beating up his sister, Connie. Sadly, the toll booth traffic proves a lot tougher than usual when hot-headed Sonny gets sandwiched between two sedans whose wheelmen hop out with machine guns and unload enough lead into his La Bonza to rebuild Baghdad and leave him look like puddle of bloody Bolognese sauce on the side of the road.  

Hipster Love Morning News
Tuesday, April 21 by

A new trailer is up for Paper Heart. The documentary that won a screenwriting award this year at Sundance (makes sense). It stars Charlyne Yi as a girl who does not believe in love and her real-life boyfriend Michael Cera as a boy who believes in dressing like a middle-schooler. What a cute couple! I think we can all agree that their offspring will look like something out of Jim Henson's sketchbook. Check out the trailer at /film.Here's the morning news. Ja Holy Sh*t!! Slumdog dad tried to sell his kid!! (NY Mag) The Thing cake. It's slobbering time! (AMFMPM)Bale and Wahlberg trade blows. (Variety) More ladies flock to Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch. (Hollywood Reporter) The State finally arrives on DVD reminding us all how long ago high school was. (MTV) 

FIRST ‘ALICE IN WONDERLAND’ PIC
Monday, April 20 by

The new issue of Empire covers Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, with new pics and an interview with Burton, too.  Above is a still of Alice about to head down the rabbit hole.  It makes you wonder what she's going to see on the other side.  We've speculated and our team of indentured artists have rendered some possible outcomes.  Here's one: More possibilities after the jump.

JACKSON & DEL TORO ARE MERE ‘BIGATURES’ OF THEIR OLD SELVES.
Monday, April 20 by

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ANGELS & DEMONS SPAWNS THIRD LANGDON FILM
Monday, April 20 by

According to /Film, even though there’s no third book in the Da Vinci Code series, they’re moving ahead with a third movie. Ron Howard’s big screen adaptation of the Da Vinci Code prequel Angel’s & Demons won’t hit theaters until May 15th, but Columbia Pictures is already moving forward with a third film in the series. Not much information is known about the story, although it has been widely speculated to be about Freemasons in Washington, D.C. Brown, who is clearly obsessed with the Freemasons, has been spotted over the years in Washington, researching Masonic temples. Wow, look at the power Dan Brown has. He doesn’t even have to write the book, and they make it into a movie. That’d be like if I just whipped my wiener out and my girlfriend had an orgasm. Which I can assure you, does NOT happen. Mostly because I don’t whip my penis out, I undress like a gentleman. It’s way too early to say obviously whether or not this movie will be shitty or decent, but I’m guessing if all it has is a title, and no script or source material, it’s going to be awesome! If I were Dan Brown, I would see how ridiculous a book title I could come up with, and see if Columbia Pictures would still buy it. I’d march into their office with something like this:

CRANK PRANK
Monday, April 20 by

Someone here at Screenjunkies got kind of jacked up over seeing Crank: High Voltage this past weekend.  So much so, that they took it upon themselves to replace our intern’s…